Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

People who give up on life

233 replies

Dappy777 · 24/08/2025 15:52

I have had a few experiences recently with people who've given up on life. They are all male, over 40, single and childless. My cousin, for example, is 48 and lives with his mother. He's sort of her carer (she isn't physically dependent, just depressed and clingy). I know he feels trapped, but he's sort of given up. He doesn't bother dating, has lost touch with old friends and does a minimum wage job to get by.

There seem to be a lot of middle-aged men like this. I encounter a lot of them in my line of work. They have never come to the attention of the authorities because they've never claimed benefits. Instead, their parents provide them with food and a home. In return the parents (or parent) gets company and support. They're often ashamed of their life, and so they don't socialise, date or work. Things tick along OK until the parents die. Then the problems begin. The person will often be in their 50s or 60s, with poor social skills, poor mental health (undiagnosed autism or depression, for example), no job or CV, and no savings. Often, the house has to be sold (either to pay for nursing costs or because siblings demand their share of inheritance). The individual then finds himself alone for the first time and unable to cope. It's not a pretty sight. People like this really need to consider what will happen after the death of the parents.

Just curious if others have encountered such men and know what I'm talking about. Maybe (because of the work I do) I get a skewed view, but it seems quite common. Because of the shame involved, it tends to be hidden.

OP posts:
user1476613140 · 24/08/2025 16:19

I can see DBro going like this. He's 40 and admits that he "keeps himself to himself".

Locutus2000 · 24/08/2025 16:15

Not much of an AIBU OP.

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/08/2025 16:13

I think men in particular really struggle with self care beyond a certain age and if they don't have a spouse or significant other they become horribly unmoored. So many men become woefully over-dependent on their spouse for all their emotional, practical and social needs. It is mainly a male thing: women generally seem to put much more investment into sustaining their networks than men while men, once coupled, have a tendency to let a lot of their friendships fall by the wayside.

I've known a lot of men give up most of their friendships and social circles once in relationships and stop making any attempts at having a social life or any self care. It's as if they were always just waiting for a woman to take over that aspect of their lives.

I imagine if you're someone who doesn't have a spouse or significant other and if you're not that mentally robust it could all lead to you feeling very lonely and overwhelming. If your parents then die I can understand it leading to a big crisis.

FeliciaFancybottom · 24/08/2025 16:10

They have never come to the attention of the authorities

Which authorities are you referring to?

CorneliaCupp · 24/08/2025 16:08

What happens to these men once their parents die op? My DC has autism and this is my greatest fear!

itsachickeninnit · 24/08/2025 16:07

Yeah there’s a few round here. In fact one family has three of them but at least they’ve got each other.

There are four brothers, only the eldest left the family home and got married. The other three are now mid to late fifties and still live in the family home with their DF, their dm died years ago.

DublinLaLaLa · 24/08/2025 16:00

DH’s uncle was like this. Luckily for him, both of his sisters allowed him to live in the house after their parents had died, only getting ‘their share’ of the estate once he died in his early 70s from a number of health issues caused by poor diet/lack of self care/exercise (both sisters were older so mid-70s themselves when they inherited)

QPZM · 24/08/2025 15:54

No, I can't say I have.

Poor things though. Can't be nice for them.

Swipe left for the next trending thread