To not write a birthday list for DH

First item on list NOT A BOX OF CHOCOLATES
Second item on list in red big font caps THE ONLY THING I WANT IS …

This sounds crackers! My DH is crap at birthdays etc but he does try (a bit). I’m sorry you have to deal with your ‘D’H. Just be really straight with him: “I thought about making a list for you but I have made one every year for X years, and you have never once bought me something on it. So I’ve decided not to write one this year as I don’t want to feel hurt and disappointed on my birthday. I appreciate I may not have fully communicated how I feel to you before but I’m doing so now so you understand how I’ve been affected over the years and why I might get upset.”

Any decent husband would feel terrible that they’ve made you feel this way. They would want to talk it through with you. If he turns it on you and makes you out to be the one at fault in some way, while he’s the victim then you’ll know his true colours.

Wish I could get you a pressie on your list as genuinely, getting someone something that shows you really appreciate, value and understand them is one of the best things in the world. And absolutely what you deserve.

Agree. He sounds batshit and like you've just normalised his behaviour and arw blaming yourself for it.

why do you think it's a 'me' problem? he sounds odd bordering on sinister. What other odd behaviours does he display? This can't be the only weird thing he does.

Give him a list of say 5 things and tell him this is my gift list, it's not a joke, I want you to buy me 2 or 3 things from there. If you mess up this time I won't be giving you another list, ever. I will just buy my own presents.

And mean, just buy your own presents from now on.

Send him this:

Birthday List

This is a pointless exercise
You never buy me anything from any list I make
You then get the huff if I am even slightly disappointed that I have nothing that I asked for
Youve been my husband now for 2 decades
If you honestly can’t think of something nice to get me, you have failed as a loving partner
If you want a list of suggestions, please see all the many previous lists I have written for you and you have ignored
I’m not going to waste any more time on this.
I refuse to spend another birthday disappointed by your complete lack of effort to make me feel loved and appreciated.

This makes NO sense and it is NOT a you problem. How can you have been married to this man for so long and he has never bought you anything you’ve asked for? I would have lost it with my DH after the first 2 times this happened
I can’t work out if he buys you anything at all? Just chocolate? Every time? He’s absolutely useless, lazy and thoughtless.

Don’t give him a list. Don’t mention it. If he asks say ‘oh I thought you were joking’
then if he insists he would like a list give him a list of 2 items. Buy yourself those items, don’t even expect him to get them. Then on your birthday open them in front of him once he’s given you the chocolate. This is what I would do (and probably why I’m single 🤣)

Why does he think your previous lists have been 'joke' suggestions? Are they particularly expensive or something? I don't get the sense it is a 'you' problem.

I send my DH and his brother 'wishlist' suggestions at their request as they say they aren't great at picking out presents. I'm never ungrateful for any present, but it is nice to be bought something I know I'll use/enjoy. I offer to buy off their 'wishlists' but they don't send them, as they tell me they like the gifts I pick out for them. I can't imagine intentionally giving someone a present that I know they won't like, it feels like a spiteful thing to do. Does your husband know about your difficult relationship with birthdays and your mother's past shitty behaviour? It sounds a bit like he's trying to push your buttons.

(Remover the first two sentences as I see you said at the every beginning he does ask for a list) Maybe just say ‘are you going to pick something for me yourself or would you like some suggestions?

Just start to buy yourself a heap of presents and wrap them up for yourself; it does feel weird but you get used to it and at least get some things that you’d like to have.

List in itself is fine.

I am picky, my DH can guess what I might want, but I want something very specific, I'd rather make a precise list.

Ignoring it and laughing at it on the other hand?

It sounds really cruel that he gets you to list the things you want every year then ignores and mocks the list 😕

I have been married for 35 years and I have never written a birthday list for my husband - what a depressing thing to do.
He has always given me a present (either an item or trip, experience etc). He knows what to give me because, you know, he's actually met me.... in fact, we live in the same house! If someone listens and observes, they'll know.

'DH please review the previous lists I sent you as you haven't yet bought anything from those ones'

Isn’t the whole point of a gift to show that you know the other person well and you were thinking of them? A list kind of defeats the purpose and forces you to do the planning yourself. Definitely a knob move

Is he asking for a list to make himself feel like a thoughtful husband? What’s the point if he’s going to just ignore your wishes anyway?

What do you normally do for his birthday? I’d be giving him the same box of chocolates back.

Dear god, chocolate?! Which you can buy anytime you pop to Asda!

Have you sat him down and told him that this (link) is what you really want? I mean, seems pretty straightforward?

Yes this. Ask why he still wants one? If he says 'it's our joke' you can say 'I'm tired of that joke. I'd like a gift I know I'll enjoy'

I’d be asking why is he asking for a list. When every year he ignores said list and assumes it’s a joke.

My DH isn't a shopper or very romantic. His approach of "what do you want for your birthday/Christmas, OK, how much is that? OK, here's a cheque, is so much more preferable.

If lists are jokes, he's the punch line.

Buy the gift you want yourself.
Book a lunch or dinner at your favourite restaurant, have a nice bottle of wine.
No chance of disappointment this way.
Some men just don't "get it", do they.