To not write a birthday list for DH

the thought of spelling it out and upsetting him makes me so anxious

Aren't you literally spelling it out already by giving him a list? And he's not bothered about upsetting you is he.

"We play this game where he says he thought those were joke suggestions and I pretend he's right."

You've been hauled into his family's weird there!

This year just tell him. You are tired of having to pretend it doesn't matter. Give him a list of things you would love to have, got to town on it. Tell him it's the last one you will ever write, he can do with it as he will. What YOU won't do is play silly games to hide your hurt feelings any more

And no, HIS feelings don't count. It's YOUR birthday!

Is your DH Father Christmas?

Because that's just what happened to me - he always got me the wrong things, and sometimes NOTHING at all! I stopped writing to him in the end as it was pointless, and anyway being on a pension, I found that the stamps were making it very expensive.

This is so weird (though I don’t understand why you couldn’t go on the London eye while pregnant, unless you live really far away and couldn’t travel?

Oh OP, this sounds miserable.

Would you be out shopping with him and say "I'd like this pair of boots for my birthday please" (or something along those lines!)

If not, write one thing on your list and say I want this one option, in addition to my chocolates, thanks.

Jesus, he's your husband - just be honest with him that it upsets you & tell him explicitly what you'd like. 🤷‍♀️

You’ve managed to marry an abusive husband that has taken over where your mother left off. This man is a narcissist and he’s controlling you with this as well as showing you exactly how much he thinks you’re worth to him - a cheap box of chocolates 😳 please don’t be like me and spend most of your life putting up with it and letting him get away with it because otherwise he gets stroppy!! I bet you go above and beyond for his birthday but you have to even buy your own birthday cake don’t you?

Just read your post about what you by your husband. I would suggest next time get a box of chocolate's. Then if he complains it is not what he wanted you can use the’i thought you were joking line’

Your husband is a cunt. And a complete weirdo.

Expecting the man who claims to love you and who has been part of your life for years to choose a nice gift from a selection of suggestions that you have made is NOT a you problem. Partners who cannot be arsed to make any effort for a loved ones birthday are atrocious partners. This makes me beyond cross on your behalf. Even my 100 year old grandfather- bought up in the Great Depression and through the war, with no clue about shopping or ‘women’s things’ could extend himself to buy my grandmother what she would like for her birthday, chose my 16th birthday present etc… because he wa a good man and he loved us.

Its not a you problem. Its definitely a him problem. I have been happily married for 30 years. Your dh should actively care about getting it right. That is what a good friend/partner/husband does. He wants to celebrate you! You deserve to be celebrated!! If not by anyone else in the world then still, always, specifically, by him.

Right, so you get him something he’d like. I wonder why he doesn’t do the same for you?

What would happen if you talked to him about it? Dies he know about your family history of Christmases? That makes it even more important that he is kind and thoughtful on your birthday.

You know what this makes me think of? Those countless threads I’ve read where an OP reports she’s stumbled upon a ‘female work colleague’ relationship and elements that sting the most are discovering the level of thought and care their DH is suddenly able to put into various gifts for their ‘platonic’ friend.

Always was a sad read to me as it was such a brutal way for the wife to discover her DH just wasn’t bothered about her needs and not that he was just bad at ‘that sort of thing’.

As PP said you absolutely deserve better and I know you say he’s great otherwise but that’s difficult to believe if he’s so dismissive of your birthday and your lists.

Write 2 or 3 thinks you want and say clearly. These are the thing I want it’s not a joke. You decide what to get me but if you chose not to use the list I’ll stop writing them.

Don't write him a list but give him one suggestion with a link and write in the text/ email that this is what you have your heart set on and are really looking forward to getting it? Then you have shown that it is something you really want and see what happens

You should be able to say to your h ‘this is my list. Is not a joke. Please get me something from it’.

You should be able to tell him how much his behaviour has upset you over the years.

He sounds like a thoughtless, uncaring idiot - You deserve better.

What do you do for his birthday?

I just want to give you a hug.

this isn’t you. It’s him. I know you are sensitive about birthday but even so, what he does is cruel.

I totally get it. I have similar baggage from childhood. Birthdays and christmasses were awful. But I was told it was just me being jealous/spoilt etc. what it was was toxic manipulative behaviour. I hate my birthday now.

But this is him.

Sit him down. Tell him you won’t be providing a list. Tell him you don’t want a box of chocolates. He can get you something off all the lists from the years before. Tell him if he doesn’t then he clearly has no regard for you.

OK basic assertive communication:

Permission to have the talk
When…
I feel…
Because…
Please…
Brainstorm

In this scenario:

DH can we have a chat about the birthday list? <pause in case he apologises or has a point>
“When I write a list and don’t get anything off it, I feel sad. Because a nice gift it’s important to me. Can you please buy something off the list this year?” Brainstorm if needed for how, when, why…

What do you think his reaction would be?

I refuse to give lists or ideas for gifts because it's encouraging laziness. If someone can't even be arsed to think for themselves and choose a gift that they think I'll appreciate then I'd rather they just don't get me one. If I write a list I may as well just buy the things on it myself.

Just expressing solidarity with OP, as I too have had one of these.

Him 'What do you want for your birthday/Christmas'

Me 'This, this and this.'

Him 'No you don't.'

He's an ex because he basically thought what he wanted must be what I wanted too, in everything.

😂😂😂😂
Today has been a batshit day, for sure!