Page 2 | To not write a birthday list for DH

rocketrabbit · 2025-08-24T14:46:49+00:00

It's my birthday in a few weeks (normal one, not a big one). As usual DH asked me to send him a list. I started to write one, then just thought I CBA. Every year I make a list and he never buys anything from it. We play this game where he says he thought those were joke suggestions and I pretend he's right. I have in the past made comments that he ignores the list but that just causes hurt feelings and an argument. But after 20+ years he knows the sort of things I like, he must know that the jacket/bag/jewellery etc I asked for are things I would love to get. I really struggle with my bday and Christmas anyway, after a childhood where disappointment and then having to pretend to be happy being given something I didn't want was the norm. If I dared show any disappointment I would get a bollocking for being ungrateful. DH is generous in all other ways but on this just totally falls flat. Why ask for a list if he knows I will ask for things he won't buy. Aibu for refusing to make a bloody list this year.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 04/09/2025 11:58

@rocketrabbit Can you afford to buy the necklace you wanted?
If he comments you simply say I told you this was what I wanted. I didn't want to wait 2 or 3 years for you to then not buy it.

You deserve something that gives you pleasure.

For his birthday ask him to make a list & then ignore it and get him a box of chocolates.

ForFunGoose · 04/09/2025 11:52

OP I have similar trauma and triggers around birthdays. My dh is a terrible gift giver, a throw back from his upbringing. His mother asks what you want and then sulks if she doesn’t like the idea!
It’s all too much so we don’t do surprises, I ask for what I want and so does he. I have probably taken the good out of birthdays for both of us but I accept that is how it is.
I am 50 in a few weeks and am really struggling with anxiety about it, I don’t like surprises, I can appear ungrateful when I’m triggered, it’s very difficult to explain.

I hope that you can find a way to make a special moment in the day for yourself.
Hap birthday x

*Ironically we are very good together for our kid’s birthdays.

Original poster

rocketrabbit · 04/09/2025 11:47

pikkumyy77 · 04/09/2025 11:21

Well the story that he’s so great rather popped like a soap bubble. He’s a bit of a miser, isn’t he? He has a secret valuation of how much you are “worth” and it doesn’t match your secret desire to be held worthy of a fuss. Go back to therapy. You have “fleas” as they say from being raised in an NPD household.

There’s a lot of martyr in you—only to be expected and not an insult—you are waiting more or less passively and silently in hopes that he will step up and recognize you through a significant gift. And he keeps frustrating you because he estimates your worth in gifts too but at a lower rate than someone who loved you as you want to be loved would.

He poses as the all giving husband when he asks for the list but secretly he has already made up his mind that there us a “proper” “right size” gift for you. This is probably from his upbringing but it hurts you more because of your upbringing.

Show quote history

Yes, there are definitely still problems from childhood, I can't argue with that, and I have got a wound around only ever being worth the cheaper option (I learned v quickly when I was a child that being 'good' meant picking the cheapest option and saying you might want the one that was a bit more expensive would lead to being told you were disgusting and greedy and punished with silent treatment. I've still got a massive problem with self esteem). I know it comes across as martyrdom but it comes from a place of deep anxiety. I'd rather say I didn't want it than have to deal with the feeling that the thing was possible, it was within reach, but I wasn't deserving of it and I don't know why not.

I think you've hit the nail on the head when you said he thinks of himself as generous and giving but his idea of what that looks like doesn't match mine.

And my mother is a whole other can of worms.

OP posts:

Mauvehoodie · 04/09/2025 11:45

Happy birthday OP. I'm so sorry, it really sounds like deliberate unkindness from your husband especially as he must know your history with your mum. I'd order the necklace immediately and let him know you ARE disappointed.

Pumpkintopf · 04/09/2025 11:42

Happy birthday.

order the necklace as a gift to yourself.

Mulledjuice · 04/09/2025 11:41

rocketrabbit · 24/08/2025 15:55

When I've tried to tell him I'm not joking he gets huffy and upset. I agree that's a meb problem.

But am aibu to just tell him I'm not doing a list any more as there's no point - he never takes it seriously and I struggle to tell him that upsets me.

Absolutely thats not unreasonable. Buy things for yourself (order them online and get them gift wrapped if you can).

Is he petulant and inconsiderate in other ways?

Creamcheesedreams · 04/09/2025 11:40

Have a proper conversation. Sit him down and say that from now on, forget what has gone on before, but that from now on if it’s on the list, assume that you do want it. No jokes no nothing

and if he fails yet again, then that’s your answer. You’ll have to rethink how you want to receive presents from now on and if it’s all too painful due to how you experienced birthdays before, remove any further potential hurt and buy yourself the thing/s you want
if money is tight, explain you’ll be using the money from his birthday gifts on yours instead as he cannot follow simple gifting lists.

no need to make it an angry thing, but maybe just the only way to stop reopening old wounds every year and to protect yourself emotionally

ShortColdandGrey · 04/09/2025 11:39

rocketrabbit · 04/09/2025 10:31

Update, if anyone is interested:

I decided to just ask for what I actually wanted, so I asked for a specific necklace. DH said 'i'll get that for you if that's what you want' which evolved into 'I'll get you something like that for your next big birthday (which is in 2 years) which became 'I'll get you something like that for our next big anniversary' (which is in 3 years). So I kind of knew in advance he wasn't going to buy it, but I suppose I was still hoping. He kept up the 'what do you want' conversation a bit longer, and suggested getting tickets for something we want to see that we'd already agreed to get tickets for, and I have money put aside for. I said I didn't want that as a birthday present. Fwiw - he's on a comfortable 6 figure salary, we have no debts, no mortgage, and we have savings, and I asked for something reasonable that is in the sale.

No prizes for guessing what I was given. He said 'is this alright you're not upset that I didn't get what you asked for' and has spent the morning pawing at me and trying to be affectionate. He wants reassurance that it's alright that he didn't get what I asked for. But it's not alright and I'm tired of pretending not to be disappointed every birthday.

I feel like bursting into tears but I don't want my kids to know I'm upset. I was stupid to get my hopes up. I'll get over it, I always do. Next year I'll just go back to saying I don't want anything. I'm tired of thinking up birthday requests where what I actually want is irrelevant and I suggest things based on what I think the other person will want to buy.

My mother sent me what has to be the smallest box of chocolates she could find (it's got 4 little truffles in it).

Edited

Happy birthday! I hope you can see that this is not a you problem. Your husband is being really mean to you. Does he know the history of your childhood birthday? If he does he is an even bigger shit. You need to start treating his birthday and Christmas like he treats yours and give him a shitty box of cheap chocolates. I am so sorry he has done this again to you.

harriethoyle · 04/09/2025 11:39

I'm really sorry @rocketrabbit

Firstly, Happy Birthday.

Secondly, you need to say to him "You know you asked if it was alright that you didn't get what I wanted, and instead got these chocolates? Well, actually I've thought about it and it's not alright. I am really upset by this because it makes me feel like you don't care and you are not listening to what I need when I tell you clearly." and then resist any stropping. I know it's hard for you but you HAVE to spell it out. he's just getting away with it at the moment because you struggle with vocalising your disappointment and that means nothing will change.

nomas · 04/09/2025 11:33

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 24/08/2025 15:49

We play this game where he says he thought those were joke suggestions and I pretend he's right.

One of the weirdest posts I've read today and there's some real batshit contenders out there 😳

It’s not OP playing the game though. He is playing it and forcing her to pretend she’s ok with it.

ThereIsThunderInOurHearts · 04/09/2025 11:32

You might not think he is a narcissist, @rocketrabbit but he is cruel. He knows he is being cruel and checked in with you that you are going to accept his cruelty, which you have done (so far).

Why not make today the day where you stand your ground, throw the chocolates in the bin and ask him why he thinks it is OK to treat you like a joke? Tell him the chocolates are a joke present and that from now on, if he really values chocolates as a birthday present, that is all he is getting as he himself has set that standard

Make an enormous fuss of your children for each of their birthdays and leave him a box of chocolates every year on the table or wherever - don't even acknowledge them.

He is a prize twat and I am so angry on your behalf. He does not see you as an equal.

RoverReturn · 04/09/2025 11:32

Happy birthday op

It sounds a weird dynamic tbh.

Fwiw my dad doesn't get me anything for my bday, no card either. If I'm lucky maybe a message! Mum sends a voucher. I buy her a present. She's strongly hints that she would like a voucher back , but I can't really see the point in swapping vouchers.
I don't really care tbh- am not young and it is what it is.

Dh - does make the effort with presents but not with arranging anything. If I want to go for a meal out I book it. If I want us to go to the theatre I will book it. Avoids disappointment.

PullTheBricksDown · 04/09/2025 11:30

Buy yourself that necklace OP. You want it and you deserve it. Reframe going ahead and ordering it as you saying to yourself 'you're worth it, you can look after yourself and meet your own needs, even when other people don't'. Wear it proudly as a woman who knows her own worth. Husband can make what he wants of that.

pikkumyy77 · 04/09/2025 11:21

rocketrabbit · 04/09/2025 10:31

Update, if anyone is interested:

I decided to just ask for what I actually wanted, so I asked for a specific necklace. DH said 'i'll get that for you if that's what you want' which evolved into 'I'll get you something like that for your next big birthday (which is in 2 years) which became 'I'll get you something like that for our next big anniversary' (which is in 3 years). So I kind of knew in advance he wasn't going to buy it, but I suppose I was still hoping. He kept up the 'what do you want' conversation a bit longer, and suggested getting tickets for something we want to see that we'd already agreed to get tickets for, and I have money put aside for. I said I didn't want that as a birthday present. Fwiw - he's on a comfortable 6 figure salary, we have no debts, no mortgage, and we have savings, and I asked for something reasonable that is in the sale.

No prizes for guessing what I was given. He said 'is this alright you're not upset that I didn't get what you asked for' and has spent the morning pawing at me and trying to be affectionate. He wants reassurance that it's alright that he didn't get what I asked for. But it's not alright and I'm tired of pretending not to be disappointed every birthday.

I feel like bursting into tears but I don't want my kids to know I'm upset. I was stupid to get my hopes up. I'll get over it, I always do. Next year I'll just go back to saying I don't want anything. I'm tired of thinking up birthday requests where what I actually want is irrelevant and I suggest things based on what I think the other person will want to buy.

My mother sent me what has to be the smallest box of chocolates she could find (it's got 4 little truffles in it).

Edited

Well the story that he’s so great rather popped like a soap bubble. He’s a bit of a miser, isn’t he? He has a secret valuation of how much you are “worth” and it doesn’t match your secret desire to be held worthy of a fuss. Go back to therapy. You have “fleas” as they say from being raised in an NPD household.

There’s a lot of martyr in you—only to be expected and not an insult—you are waiting more or less passively and silently in hopes that he will step up and recognize you through a significant gift. And he keeps frustrating you because he estimates your worth in gifts too but at a lower rate than someone who loved you as you want to be loved would.

He poses as the all giving husband when he asks for the list but secretly he has already made up his mind that there us a “proper” “right size” gift for you. This is probably from his upbringing but it hurts you more because of your upbringing.

PigletSanders · 04/09/2025 10:56

rocketrabbit · 04/09/2025 10:31

Update, if anyone is interested:

I decided to just ask for what I actually wanted, so I asked for a specific necklace. DH said 'i'll get that for you if that's what you want' which evolved into 'I'll get you something like that for your next big birthday (which is in 2 years) which became 'I'll get you something like that for our next big anniversary' (which is in 3 years). So I kind of knew in advance he wasn't going to buy it, but I suppose I was still hoping. He kept up the 'what do you want' conversation a bit longer, and suggested getting tickets for something we want to see that we'd already agreed to get tickets for, and I have money put aside for. I said I didn't want that as a birthday present. Fwiw - he's on a comfortable 6 figure salary, we have no debts, no mortgage, and we have savings, and I asked for something reasonable that is in the sale.

No prizes for guessing what I was given. He said 'is this alright you're not upset that I didn't get what you asked for' and has spent the morning pawing at me and trying to be affectionate. He wants reassurance that it's alright that he didn't get what I asked for. But it's not alright and I'm tired of pretending not to be disappointed every birthday.

I feel like bursting into tears but I don't want my kids to know I'm upset. I was stupid to get my hopes up. I'll get over it, I always do. Next year I'll just go back to saying I don't want anything. I'm tired of thinking up birthday requests where what I actually want is irrelevant and I suggest things based on what I think the other person will want to buy.

My mother sent me what has to be the smallest box of chocolates she could find (it's got 4 little truffles in it).

Edited

What the actual fuck is wrong with the tight-fisted cunt? He has plenty of money, he just doesn’t care about you does he? Just completely awful. I’m so sorry @rocketrabbit.

To do the bare minimum, if that, and then paw at you trying to get something out of you for his benefit is truly disgusting.

Happiest of birthdays from us lot. And all power to your elbow to make your own happiness, however that looks.

Easilyforgotten · 04/09/2025 10:56

Happy birthday op. I'm so sorry for your disappointment. You sound so self aware about why you react as you do, but I do think the time has come to say that actually it's not ok. Maybe considering the message you are sending your children will give you the strength to be honest? You would not want history to repeat itself with them accepting this for themselves, would you?

Merrow · 04/09/2025 10:52

But why didn't he get what you asked for? What's his logic?

LaughingCat · 04/09/2025 10:52

rocketrabbit · 04/09/2025 10:31

Update, if anyone is interested:

I decided to just ask for what I actually wanted, so I asked for a specific necklace. DH said 'i'll get that for you if that's what you want' which evolved into 'I'll get you something like that for your next big birthday (which is in 2 years) which became 'I'll get you something like that for our next big anniversary' (which is in 3 years). So I kind of knew in advance he wasn't going to buy it, but I suppose I was still hoping. He kept up the 'what do you want' conversation a bit longer, and suggested getting tickets for something we want to see that we'd already agreed to get tickets for, and I have money put aside for. I said I didn't want that as a birthday present. Fwiw - he's on a comfortable 6 figure salary, we have no debts, no mortgage, and we have savings, and I asked for something reasonable that is in the sale.

No prizes for guessing what I was given. He said 'is this alright you're not upset that I didn't get what you asked for' and has spent the morning pawing at me and trying to be affectionate. He wants reassurance that it's alright that he didn't get what I asked for. But it's not alright and I'm tired of pretending not to be disappointed every birthday.

I feel like bursting into tears but I don't want my kids to know I'm upset. I was stupid to get my hopes up. I'll get over it, I always do. Next year I'll just go back to saying I don't want anything. I'm tired of thinking up birthday requests where what I actually want is irrelevant and I suggest things based on what I think the other person will want to buy.

My mother sent me what has to be the smallest box of chocolates she could find (it's got 4 little truffles in it).

Edited

I’m so sorry, OP. He’s crap and the fact that he’s trying to get reassurance on his actions means he knows it. That he does it, knowing your mum has always been crap to you on these things is worse.

I’m so sad for you - my mum and DH are the same (except for a very few instances in the latter case). Teach your kids the joy of proper gift giving so they don't grow up to do the same (and maybe they’ll be the ones to give you kind, thoughtful gifts that you actually want as they get older.

BuckChuckets · 04/09/2025 10:47

Don't reassure him - tell him you ARE upset and why!

nutbrownhare15 · 04/09/2025 10:45

Happy birthday OP. I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted. Order it for yourself today. Ideally with his credit card.

Original poster

rocketrabbit · 04/09/2025 10:31

Update, if anyone is interested:

I decided to just ask for what I actually wanted, so I asked for a specific necklace. DH said 'i'll get that for you if that's what you want' which evolved into 'I'll get you something like that for your next big birthday (which is in 2 years) which became 'I'll get you something like that for our next big anniversary' (which is in 3 years). So I kind of knew in advance he wasn't going to buy it, but I suppose I was still hoping. He kept up the 'what do you want' conversation a bit longer, and suggested getting tickets for something we want to see that we'd already agreed to get tickets for, and I have money put aside for. I said I didn't want that as a birthday present. Fwiw - he's on a comfortable 6 figure salary, we have no debts, no mortgage, and we have savings, and I asked for something reasonable that is in the sale.

No prizes for guessing what I was given. He said 'is this alright you're not upset that I didn't get what you asked for' and has spent the morning pawing at me and trying to be affectionate. He wants reassurance that it's alright that he didn't get what I asked for. But it's not alright and I'm tired of pretending not to be disappointed every birthday.

I feel like bursting into tears but I don't want my kids to know I'm upset. I was stupid to get my hopes up. I'll get over it, I always do. Next year I'll just go back to saying I don't want anything. I'm tired of thinking up birthday requests where what I actually want is irrelevant and I suggest things based on what I think the other person will want to buy.

My mother sent me what has to be the smallest box of chocolates she could find (it's got 4 little truffles in it).

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 26/08/2025 16:19

I'd flat out refuse to give him a list and simply tell him I'm taking £x out of the joint account to buy something I would like.

Rubyupbeat · 26/08/2025 16:05

Surely its easier to buy your own 'present' as and when you want it? Its hardly a surprise anyway and I guess its coming out of a joint account. It just seems so ridiculous to me.

Costcogroupie · 26/08/2025 16:03

rocketrabbit · 24/08/2025 19:34

if he wants something specific, I get him that. He usually doesn't want anything. So I get him new clothes, last year tickets for a thing he wants to see, I would organise a day out, cookbooks/cooking things (he's very into food), that sort of thing.

Show quote history

Give him back the chocolates he bought you.

AnnaMagnani · 26/08/2025 15:55

rocketrabbit · 26/08/2025 14:36

He would be baffled as to why I hadn't just bought them already (one joint pot of money and he's never bothered about me buying anything, he earns considerably more than I do)

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This sounds a bit like DH and I- one pot of money and TBH neither of us really needs a birthday present as we would just buy it ourselves.

Would it help to have a conversation about what both of you think a suitable birthday present looks like going forward for each of you? Do you even want presents or is a day out a better option?

DH and I managed the romantic knowing what the other wanted for about 5 years, after which clearly the hormones had worn off and we bought some terrible gifts.

A sit down to agree what we both thought a present looked like, how much it cost and how it would be asked for killed a lot of the romance but ended all the disappointment and recriminations.