To not write a birthday list for DH

I'm sorry, you've had yet another crappy birthday and that's awful. The pawing and reassurance even worse

I'd be really interested to understand what sort of cost the necklace is given your financial situation as a couple. His response to this implies you've asked for something really high end outside of the norm of what you would spend as a couple. His response is somewhat understandable if it's a £5k diamond necklace but very shitty if it's £200.

Do you work too? You seem awfully resistant to spending anything out of the family pot? At any value.

It's 4 days later. I think you need to consider putting your big girl pants on and writing down how he has made you feel. Then have a conversation with him to say just that. It's difficult to know whether he is just generally thoughtless and is massively taking you for granted [which you are letting him do] or is genuinely abusive. Either way, you need to lay it out in a way that it is unambiguous and difficult to gaslight. This is how he is treating you and making you feel. It is not going to continue. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

You poor woman.
Horror for parents.

Mean, controlling prick for a husband.
Your children will know this as they grow up, they always do.

Unfathomable that your thoughts, responses and reactions are controlled by him.

No wonder you have such distress.
Your gut is howling at you that you are living with a covertly mean prick.

God help you in your denial.

Next time he asks you what you want for Christmas or your birthday, say .... A divorce ....

Agreed. Surely if you know your partner has had such a difficult childhood, and how that related to presents, you'd go out of your way to help make their current experience with presents completely different. You wouldn't make up 'jokes' about them not wanting the presents they put on their list, or sulk if you judged a gift a bit wrong and it wasn't quite right.

Your childhood sounds unbelievably tough @rocketrabbit

but, honestly it doesn’t excuse your Hs behaviour. Don’t second guess yourself. You should be upset because what he’s doing is upsetting. Try not to internalise it and make it your fault.

it’s him. 100% him.

No offence but your husband is just as shit as the OPs. Why are you letting him away with this behaviour? I hope you do the same thing to him on his birthday.

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago week and my husband spent weeks making a list of options and stressing about finding the perfect gift. He asked a couple of times if there was anything I wanted but immediately followed it with "Don't tell me I want to get you something amazing". I said three times I said I want to do x, but I know he's not keen on that.
Net result was he couldn't find the "perfect" gift so I got nothing but a card and a promise of "You know what I'm like tomorrow I'll think of the ideal present"
Luckily years of experience set my expectations so I wasn't surprised or disappointed. lots of thought just no action!
On the plus side our son surprised me with a beautiful necklace, that I love, so I was pleased we've brought him up to be thoughtful and generous!

Hope you have a lovely day x

@rocketrabbit happy birthday

I don't like your husband

He's an unkind, miserly git.

And as for 'pawing' you - he needs to be told where to go

He sounds very controlling and tbh mean
But also the mention of your childhood - isn't everyone brought up to act appreciative of presents and hide disappointment?

I want to give you a big hug.

Can I ask what you said when he said he’ll get it for your big birthday in 2 years? And then when he said for your anniversary?

I think you need to tell him that you aren’t ok, that he’s let you down, and that he does it every year.

He’s being cruel.

Yes your husband is there with bags of money. Ugh.

Oh gosh no, don't get it from your savings, get it from the joint account.
OP your posts make such sad reading. It would be shit enough if your husband played this nasty little game every year but to do it knowing the trauma you have from your mums games is incredibly cruel. It's nasty, nasty behavior.
I know you find confrontation hard, and no-one wants an argument on their birthday, but you have to speak to him about this. A birthday present is meant to say hey you're great and I wanted to get this thing to celebrate you. What he's said with his present buying is hmmm you're kind of ok, not great enough for that necklace you wanted, or for me to listen when you said you don't want the thing we're doing anyway to be your present, just ok.

Agreed that he's doing it because he knows you'll accept it. Behaviour is a language and he's telling you he doesn't consider you worthy of the gift you're requesting every year.

Spell out to him that it's making you feel unheard and unappreciated, and push him on WHY he keeps doing it. Don't comfort or reassure him, let him sit in what you're saying without feeling the need to fill silence.

And happy birthday!

Happy birthday op

Would your partner go to therapy? Or couples counselling? You deserve to be cherished and loved in the you you need it.

Ive had a similar upbringing and wounds to you op. Birthdays and Christmas are really hard. It wasn't till my husband had therapy himself that the penny really dropped. He had lots of his own family baggage that he didn't even realise. Society also doesn't help with the whole oh men just aren't gift givers or "atleast he remembered" low bar bullshit.

It fucking well is NOT a you problem. Do a list. write it:
firstly this is not a joke. Every single thing on this list I would be over the moon to get for my birthday. It’s not funny that you ask me for a list and then ignore it and buy me a shitty fucking box of chocolates and get mad at me if I’m upset because you didn’t give a damn what I actually want even though you went to the trouble of asking me. I am never ever tolerating that again. I’m worth so much more than that.
so here is the list YOU ASKED FOR of things I would really love for my birthday. I will be grateful if you get me something from this list. I might ask you to leave if you decide fuck it why would I buy my wife something she wants when I can buy her a shitty fucking box of chocolates instead, that’s how shit you make me feel every birthday and that’s before you’re mad at me for getting upset.
one more time, this is the list that you asked me for, of things I’d like.
1
2
3

and send it. The problem is not you op, it’s 1000000% him and you deserve a decent birthday present and a husband who cares. I’d ask yours to leave.

@rocketrabbit well done for being brave and asking for what you really wanted. I hope you do save up and buy it because you deserve it.

Im afraid I’m going to join the pile on of your H. Who the hell thinks a box of chocolates and nothing else is an acceptable present to give their spouse every year? He earns well so he’s not stupid. I can only conclude he is actually trying to be cruel. I’m so sorry. What he is doing is not ok.

I know you have said why you have accepted this but its really not ok. I'm sorry I'd need to ask him directly why do you ask what I want and then not respect that?
Life is too short for a weird, miserable game only you can be honest and say you are fed up instead of people pleasing and reassuring him its fine to treat you like this.

It’s like on one level you feel you want to reset your mother’s shit parenting but on the other hand you feel unworthy of actually insisting on receiving the gifts. You want to be shown you’re worthy of it so hope your husband will run with the ball and buy the thing you hope you deserve. Oh I understand that completely op. You don’t want to be seen as having to whine on for it. You just want him to fucking do it. Ugh, you may have to actually sit down and explain exactly what you’re upbringing has left you with. I mean really explain. Looking him in the eye and telling him you feel the crushing disappointment you felt as a kid. That your main person couldn’t be arsed to put you top of the list for that day.

You are worth being put on the top of the list op. For starters, chuck those fucking chocolates from your mother in the bin, tell your husband to start the new regime by buying you a decent box and a bottle of wine, if that’s what you’d like. Show him what you need to happen. Reset it all today. You are worth the effort.

I think you should have responded, "No, it's not alright, and yes, I am upset that just like last year and all the years before that you pestered me about what I wanted and when I told you what I wanted you then got me something else. What is this stupid game you're playing?"

You keep saying it’s a you problem and that you are the problem generally. You don’t realise when you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship that this is what it looks like! Everything’s your fault and you find reasons why it is your fault! Any idiot knows if someone asks for something and then gets some other bit of random crap for their birthday that they would be disappointed/upset and it’s NORMAL to be upset/sad that their partner has put less than zero thought into it! He’s DELIBERATELY NOT bought you what you asked for and is now wanting you to reassure him that it’s ok?!?! Or he will sulk and strop??!!! That is ABUSE pure and simple. You need a different therapist /counsellor who specialises in domestic abuse to help you x

It’s not the birthday list that’s a red herring, you struggle to tell him how you feel , well yes you would as he gets huffy and upset, so gaslights you into thinking it’s a you problem.

we choose partners and relationships that mirror the ones we are modelled in childhood , good and bad.

Oh love: I get it.

But if you keep doing what you do you will get what you got.

Either this is unintentional on his partsnd he sincerely thinks this is a game “frugal wife” puts on where she pretends to want expensive things and he pretends he will give them or its witting and he enjoys humiliating you.

The first can be worked on in therapy: you need to combat your anxiety and your instinctive attempts to shrink yourself into invisibility. You have accidentally chosen a man who recreates disregard and contempt for you around gifts. If he is truly innocent of intent work with your therapist and consider bringing him into the therapy so your therapist can support you speaking up for your deeply seated need for love and care through gifts.

Its about the gift but its not about the gift. Why should you have to live as a beggar in your own house. Save up from the family joint account every penny you would have spent on his birthday or special events and buy the necklace. Stop asking him to treat you. Treat yoursrlf for a while. Try to reset yourself.