Don’t want to do activities, and disappointed DH - am I ruining his time?

Your Grandad died on Wednesday and hes huffing you arent playing with him?! Hes being a right c*nt

He's a total prick. Has he always been one? Or is this only when the limelight isn't on him? Either way, still a prick, couldn't live with a prick.

He means he can't cope with losing control of you OP.
Selfishness personified.

@butyeah so sorry that you have such an unsympathetic man for a husband!!! he is really uncompassionate. wonder how different he would be if it was his grandad who had died? hey ho, as long as he gets to stick to his hobbies and plans. I think he will have this attitude for life. sorry. as for your mil! lets just say the apple didnt fall far from the tree there!!

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. 💐

Your DH is a complete arsehole to not recognise that he should be prioritising you and your feelings at this time, not his sodding activities.

His mother sounds a right gem too, ganging up on you and making it all about her bloody son.

I’m guessing that you’re constantly walking on eggshells trying to please him if he’s a regular sulker. Maybe in time, you’ll reflect back and realise that it’s time to put yourself first as clearly your (D)H won’t ever do that. It’s all Me, Me, Me with him.

Honestly OP, there are good men out there and you don’t have to settle for one that shits all over your feelings. You deserve so much more. x

Does he behave like this normally?

Sulking men are a real bore, why are there so many of them??!

I'm sorry to say this when you're recently bereaved, OP.
But I'm sick to death of hearing about this type of manchild.

There's so many women on mumsnet who are married to them. It's sickening.

Why? Just why?

I'm sorry for your loss, OP

This is a very good point (within all the other good points that PP raised):

He wants you to take on a risky activity but you don't want to and possibly (due to not being very interested in it) do not have the skills or experience to cope with the risk.
You could get into a dangerous situation and don't know how to deal with it.
He is thus actively sending you into harm and overriding your own safekeeping thoughts.
Combined with his level of empathy (zero), how would a situation unfold in which you are injured from this sport and he would have to take on more work at home or 100% childcare until you've recovered?

Taunting others to go into danger when you know they don't want to or don't know how to deal with it sounds somewhat psycho, too.

Don't put yourself in unneccessary danger. Take on the sport at your own speed, if you want to, and if you don't, just don't do it.

My sympathies to you and your family and I hope you can spend time with your grandmother

I'm sorry, but your husband is a massive arsehole.

He wants you there to look after him ... and to do it cheerfully.

Can't believe you're letting him talk to you like that while you're still cooking and cleaning up after the arsehole.

You should have packed your own bag up and left him to it after his first go.

You know he won't be there for you in future when things go wrong in your life, don't you. He's showing you who he is. Please take note.

Personally a lack of compassion and complete self-centredness is a deal-breaker for me and it would concern me that when life inevitably dishes up other big challenges and difficult circumstances in the future it will always, always be all about him and not about being a partnership or a parent.

I totally agree.

moodiness and door slamming

Wow. I’m quite speechless, and for me that’s quite something.

your husband’s lack of empathy and consideration for your feelings is …… honestly I cannot readily find a word that seems adequate.

I am guessing this kind of behaviour is not entirely unusual, @butyeah ?

I really think you need to seriously consider your options, because this is who he is, and he won’t change.

I don’t think this is what you want for yourself or your child?

My dad was like this to my mum after her brother died. He felt ok and so he expected my mum to just be ok, and when she wasn’t it made him so annoyed, she was sad at Christmas, wanted to stay home but he insisted we go out. She got a bit too drunk and needed to go to bed in their friends house where we’d spend Christmas Day. We went home and he ranted at me all the way home telling me she had ruined Christmas and was so selfish. I remember thinking (at 14) her brother has just died, you made us go out and now you’re ranting and raving - you’ve ruined Christmas.

My dad was also an a controlling and sometimes physically abusive twat to my mum. I hope your DH isn’t like him but the fact he has no empathy for you and is nitpicking reminds me of my dad

What a colossal prick your husband is. Can you just pack up and go home now and leave him to it?

my usual question.....what does he bring to the party?

He’s a selfish prick.

I think the death of grandad is not the main issue here. Your DH is wanting you to do something that is way out of your comfort zone. I imagine it's something perhaps like surfing (when you say they go out "deep and fast") or white water rafting perhaps? Those activities are not without danger and they need skill. I imagine you and DSil potter around in the shallow end but he now expects you to be a fully fledged, high octane surfer (or whatever). Well it's not like going ten pin bowling ffs! He's being a prize cunt, regardless of any bereavement, and insisting you to do something that could harm you and against your best interests. I should reconsider your future OP.

He’s totally lacking in consideration and compassion. Sounds like he’s abusive, actually, forcing you to participate in something you didn’t want to do. Can you leave and go home? I definitely would. I can’t believe he’s so uncaring your needs.

Another time suggest she goes with him as he isn’t sufficiently mature to go away on his own, let alone consider his family.

Then you and your family can have a peaceful weekend without being hectored by a self absorbed, manipulative arse who slams doors to get his own way.

Why are you with this person?

He's only thinking of himself, not you nor your family. I'd go home now, saying your family need you and that's where you want to be

Why are you the skivvy doing the bbqs and the fires? Why can’t husband just crack on without you if he’s not spending the time with you anyway? If you want to go be with your child / mother / gran just go. Your husband sounds like an insensitive arse. He’s also behaving like a child running to complain to his mummy. There’s more red flags here than a communist parade.

I am also wondering if he has ever experienced bereavement himself. Given his capacity to make OP’s bereavement all about him and his needs I can imagine he won’t be as stoic as he demands of OP if and when he is bereaved himself. “Losing control of his life”? More like losing self-control because he hasn’t got his own way. I don’t know how old he is but he sounds very emotionally immature even if his mother thinks he’s a brave little soldier.

I do think you need to change your response to the sulking and door slamming. You’ve already complied with him a great deal yet it’s still not enough for him is it? I would be having some harsh words when home about his selfishness and the lack of support. I would respond to his next toddler paddy with silent, emotionless grey rock defiance and have no communication with him when he is throwing his toys out of the pram and don’t shift from your decision. Easier said than done I know but he needs to cry it out while you get on with being the adult and coercive paddy-throwing needs to stop working for him.

I don’t know if this is the first time he’s done this over something big? Personally a lack of compassion and complete self-centredness is a deal-breaker for me and it would concern me that when life inevitably dishes up other big challenges and difficult circumstances in the future it will always, always be all about him and not about being a partnership or a parent.

Your grandfather just died a few days ago. Days. Not weeks.

Was he really expecting you would just forget about it so he could have his fun without any consideration for how you feel? Because that's what it sounds like and that's really selfish and uncaring of him. You're supposed to be putting on a big front so he can pretend he's not being a self centered dick. You're cooking for his friends.

He's annoyed that you're grieving.

This is not a person you can ever count on for support when life it at its worst.

I would give him something to really be annoyed about.

What a trash dude.

I used to be married to a man like this, so believe me when I say that he's not interested in compromise. He views anything less than your complete capitulation as his defeat. He comes first with himself and also wants to come first with you, always, even before your own needs and feelings.

He says he's "lost control of his life" but he seems to be in control of your life.

I wish you the courage and strength to fix this power imbalance. Good luck!