DS went through DH phone. DH blames me

You deserve the silent treatment. What a horrible thing for you to do.
so if your dh friend was over and he needed some money, if your dh didn’t have it and said to him to go in your handbag - you will be fine with this. You must be really dumb not to understand HOW inappropriate this was.

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Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

I wouldn’t try to get them fired, because I simply wouldn’t care that much. If I’d have been livid, I wouldn’t have posted otherwise.

Yes!

can we imagine the other scenario…

A man gives his DW phone to his brother to have a good look through….

Im not sure all the “ what is he hiding” posters would be so vocal that way round. It would be deemed abusive, Im sure.

Isn’t it abusive to say I have the right to give anyone your phone to look through and you shouldn’t complain about it?

No, I said that I wouldn't be upset and don't really get people who are very 'private'. I dislike this quality, but that's my business. I said I understand many people are, so he's reasonable to be upset - by his parameters, which presumably OP knows.

Also that his reaction is excessive and bordering on abusive.

Then I don't understand your position. You think he's reasonable to be upset there the sister looked through the phone, then? That's not really what you implied previously.

Setting aside the protracted silent treatment (and blocking her number) ... is setting aside the big deal he's making of it!

Setting aside the silent treatment, as that's not appropriate, you thinking that he's out of order to make a big deal about it sounds like you and imposing your boundaries on another person, and assuming they should react the same as you would. Even though you acknowledge that each individual is allowed to have their own boundaries.

The husband isn't wrong to be upset. If it were your phone, you wouldn't be wrong not to be upset. The OP and the sister were wrong to think their behavior is ok.

He's doing something for himself far more than he's doing something to her. He needs to establish and keep his distance from someone who, as it stands, he can't trust and who has little respect for him. It's up to her to fix it and show him she knows she crossed a line and she will be mindful of his privacy in future.

OP why didn’t you take the phone back when you saw she wasn’t sending an email? Clearly you wanted her to have a nose around and used this ridiculous excuse.

If I was in your Hs shoes and I hadn’t had a sincere and genuine apology I would also still be stewing after two weeks. I hope he’s changed his passcodes too and hasn’t told you. I guess you can still contact him on his work phone.

No, I agree. I'm also saying I wouldn't be upset about this. And I think OP's husband is right out of order to make such a big deal of it

I don’t agree with you. Why do you see me as defensive, rather than yourself?

We are allowed to have boundaries in different places.
Of course — but the responsibility is to respect those boundaries until told otherwise, not the other way around.
It’s simple: you should assume that people’s private documents, phone, diary, etc., are off-limits unless you’re explicitly invited or told they’re available to look through.

No one assumes that others are happy to share their personal things until told otherwise. There’s no argument here — no one would casually grab their boss’s phone, or their doctor’s phone, and start scrolling through their photos.

Deborah, you're one of several to have taken my comment as a criticism, responding defensively. All I said is that people vary and I am not like you.

We are allowed to have boundaries in different places.

It's a rule that you don't look at people's photos. If someone shows you one photo, you do not scroll and look at other photos. Even a Primary child knows that.

I am not secretive, I am PRIVATE. It's simply none of your business or anyone else's business what's on my phone.

I also have all the photos my friends whatsapp me, and that's private too.

Nothing on my phone could be used against me in a court of law, I have nothing to hide as such, but if wanted to share, I would have had. If it keep it to myself or a chosen few, it's my decision.

nonsense

if my husband gave my phone to his brother, and let his brother or his best mate scroll through my PRIVATE photos, that would be abusive.

Not just rude, not just disrespectful, but 100% abusive.

Normal people have a conversation, explain why that was unacceptable and move on.
no, no adult needs a conversation to be told it's unacceptable. My children know it's unacceptable already.

You don’t give someone the silent treatment for two weeks.
Better be quiet for 2 weeks and calm down than telling her exactly what he thinks. I wouldn't even sleep in the same room as my husband if he pulled a stunt like that.

Yes but you are talking about your phone with knowledge and permission.
I have nothing to hide but would still expect to be asked, even by close family members.
To walk in and see DSIL or similar going through my photos would massively piss me off! If my DH had handed it over, I would be pissed off with him!
I do think there's more to it, the reason for giving DH's phone does not add up, especially when Dsis was not using it as was supposed to.

🙄
Baffling that I should ever think about unlocking my husband's phone for someone else.

Maybe he’s still giving you the silent treatment because you’re not sorry about what you or your sister did?

The silent treatment isn’t the right solution to this but you’re acting like he is unreasonable to be unhappy about what you and your sister did. If you want to move past things then start with an apology and get your sister to apologise too. You were both very wrong.

Why wouldn’t you offer a charger or quickly finish what you were doing on your device if you really couldn’t stop doing what you were doing on it?

The silent treatment is never reasonable in my book, beyond the initial shock of discovery.

I suspect it began as a withdrawal from the shock and need to process his feelings.

The problem is that when the person who has broken the trust/caused the betrayal doesn't acknowledge that, apologise or make an effort to repair things, the hurt person can become 'stuck'. We know this and it applies to men as much as women.

They are married not dating and it's easy to say he should just end the relationship but how many women post on here asking if this awful one off incident is 'bad enough' to end a marriage. Men feel similarly.

I'd imagine it's very hard to end a marriage because someone looked through the innocent photos on your phone. But the betrayal is huge. It takes time to process that and understand your own feelings.

He probably didn't expect it to go on for this long either. He probably assumed his wife would accept responsibility, apologise and they could work towards rebuilding the trust.

But that didn't happen. He probably doesn't know what to do next. In this situation, it's actually the OP who had all the power. Not him.

Also this! Why not give her a bloody charger! Could the emails not wait?!

Kindly, OP, this.

What you did was NOT OK, it certainly crossed a boundary. So did your sister! What is the bigger picture here? Was this the final straw, he’s at his wits end and he’s now contemplating divorce?

Fine, he’s taken steps to block you and protect his privacy, however, the silent treatment, stonewalling, and for this long, is also not OK. Does he have other controlling, abusive, tendencies?

Have you genuinely apologised? Has your sister?

The whole family dynamic feels disrespectful and childish in all honesty.

Good luck.

He’s blaming you as it is your fault!

You were very unreasonable to give her access to his phone. And scrolling through his photos/ allowing DSis to do so, was a gross invasion of privacy.

The silent treatment is never reasonable in my book, beyond the initial shock of discovery. If he wants to break up with you he should just do it!

But I don't want to have people in my life who actively go and snoop through my private photos because that means I can't trust them, and I'd have to do some thinking about my level of contact with them and how guarded I have to be around them.

Exactly.