No sex life - WWYD? At my wits end.

I agree with the views that it won’t get better. What is he like if you do try and initiate accepting you say you have been rejected over the years so don’t.

i understand how you feel. It isn’t just the feel and release of an orgasm, it is also the closeness and intimacy that literally comes from him being inside you and you also feeling his release. Sadly without probably some counselling I suspect it will not get resolved which is sad as I already have a friend who ended a marriage as this being a key issue and her ex husband still bitterly regrets not having tried more…but the fact that is so hard to overcome is when they dont want to or feel the urge.

I was waiting for the double standard comment - it’s like clockwork.

The classic female version of this is ‘I have a 3 year old and a nine month old, we do it once a week and I don’t enjoy it but Dh gets so grumpy if I don’t.’ Ie it’s a completely different situation. I’ve seen plenty of threads by men which say the woman is not being fair not talking about it and that he could consider asking for an open marriage, ie an exact equivalent.

The ultimatum is 'This is not OK. Start seriously working on addressing it or we won't last'. Not 'Get it up now!'

What have the several conversations been about? Is it physical or mental health related? Age or interest related? Conversations are pointless if they are not linked to any actions or lead to any outcomes. When we said, we have to rectify that- how do you both intend to? It's frustrating to be rejected and not be intimate but even more frustrating if there are no steps to make things better or change them. You have to decide how you want to proceed.

Exactly!
Imagine, ‘DH and I have sex once a month on average, he is not happy but doesn’t even initiate sex anymore as he says he can’t cope with the rejection. He sometimes implies he will leave me over it’.
15 times a year is not that bad after 20y of marriage.

No id say the same.

Personally I don't think it's fair or right to force a sexless marriage on someone. The conversation needs to be had no matter the sex of the person. There are options or they split up.

It’s interesting how different the responses are when the op is a woman rather than a man. If a man had posted this, there would have been a large number of comments telling him he’s a grown man who should ‘sort himself out’ and stop putting pressure on his poor wife!

An open marriage? I'd be asking that question.

I think if I got to the point where I could count how many times I'd be forcing the conversation about the future.

The fact you count makes you sound like some sex obsessed maniac.

My DH has no sex drive. I'm fine with that.

Just invest in a decent dildo. Or go and have an affair. Ask your DH if you can have an open marriage.

I doubt it is the act in itself whether sex or oral for example, rather his lack of interest.

Having an unwilling partner must be crushing.

There will be a reason and if he's getting his kicks elsewhere maybe by viewing porn that would certainly put a dampener on his ardour I would think.

They need to find the reason then go from there. Boredom is fixable, lack of attraction isn't I would say.

Same!! I was like, is that more than we had last year? 😄

Is he willing to satisfy you in other ways? Would that be enough for you?

Have you had lots of different conversations, or the same conversation lots of times? What has he said in these conversations?

I think I would ask him, with genuine curiosity, if every other month is about right for him and he’s happy, or really whether he would like to stop having sex completely.

I do wonder if both of you would be happier if you just stop and you both know that it’s not going to happen. Maybe you could even develop more physical touch, if he’s not worried it will lead to pressure.

Then I would have a think about asking to stay but take a lover, or whether you can’t get over the resentment that you naturally feel when someone removes something that was valuable to you without your consent.

If you've lived with this situation for years and spoken to him about this lots of times and nothing has changed, then it's not going to change now. You can either accept it and stay, accept it and have affairs/an open relationship or leave. You need to decide what you can live with, as does he.

Haha, yes! I just saw that we posted at the same time!

I thought the same 😄

Am I the only one who thinks that 15x year for a couple married for 20 years is not that unusual? Just me, LOL?!

That aside, he is probably feeling ashamed that he is, erm, not meeting your needs. Issuing ultimatums is not the way to go. Can you try and talk with him and understand why he is not in the mood for it more often?

15 times in 2024 - that’s about once a month which, tbh, isn’t bad when you’ve been with someone 20 years. But as your sex drive is obviously very important, and you’re starting to get resentful, then maybe leave, as I doubt things are going to improve, or he would have already started making an effort, ie GP or joint counselling. But….be careful that your sex life could dwindle to nothing if you leave. Being a 50 something female entering the dating world is dire. If sex is important to you, and overrides a relationship, you might be fine. Many men out there interested in a no strings attached sexual relationship. Otherwise, many 50 something men on dating sites are either looking for someone under 40, or come with ‘issues’. It’s notoriously bad out there in the dating world atm. If you love your dh in every other way, then maybe you may have to compromise on this and invest in some sex toys and just enjoy cuddles and closeness with DH. Only you know whether it’s so important that you’re okay to take the risk of trying to get out there to find someone more compatible.

Intimacy is such an important part of a good relationship I'd really try and find out why he lacks interest. If it can be fixed great, if not I'd reassess the whole thing. Living with rejection must be absolutely soul destroying. Behind all the domestic drudgery that part should obviously be enjoyable or else he'd just be a housemate.

Does he masturbate, watch porn? Many people in long term relationships inevitably get bored so they choose the quick fix of a wank over the 'bother' of initiating sex. If he does ask him to at least limit it so he cba to have sex.

I'd look on his history see what he's looking at does he have any kinks he hasn't shared like bdsm, look at messages check he isn't embroiled in some sexting chat with an enthusiastic third party. Sadly there's usually many sat in the sidelinenes desperate for attention.

Barring that obviously try and introduce a bit of novelty in the bedroom, sex toys etc?

Don't just accept it as a normal part of aging.

So you’ve spoken to him about this - what did he say? Did he give you a reason?
Oh and how can you remember you had sex 15 times in 2024? Do you keep a tally?! 😁

If DH told me he couldn't go one more day without sex and then expected me to initiate it, the pressure would kill my libido stone dead!

What solutions have you/he proposed? Are you affectionate with each other outside of sex? Do you cuddle him, kiss him hello and goodbye, hold hands?

Has your sex drive or desires increased during peri?
There is a high chance your own sex drive will vanish before 60 so I don't see the point in leaving a long relationship over sex. You will be better matched in a few years and wonder what you ever really got from sex beside an itch scratched temporarily.
The frustration in the meantime is depressing (I know as I've been there).
If you want sex it's not going to be forthcoming from your husband so you are going to have to have some honest conversations and/or buy better toys

Ask him to go for a health check with his GP and to start sex therapy alone or together (you can be referred for this on the NHS in my area so I assume it's available in other areas, or you can go private). I think it would be helpful to do it as a couple as both people might need to change e.g. one might be causing pressure and not realising. You need to make it clear that if he doesn't take this seriously you will leave

This isn’t going to change. He has a low sex drive. You either need to leave and find someone else or just accept this is the way it is (or agree between you both that you’ll have an open relationship). You putting pressure on him to have sex when he clearly doesn’t want to isn’t going to achieve anything except resentment.

Has he been to the gp and had a health check? Low testosterone can cause low libido and is treatable. If he isn't willing to seek help for his low libido then that's a whole other problem.