No sex life - WWYD? At my wits end.

How is that being ridiculous or nasty?

I'm suggesting solutions. If her DH isn't interested in sex, then perhaps he'd be OK with her seeking it elsewhere, and if he's not OK with that, then her options are leave or make do with plastic toys.

I'm being realistic.

He should ask for a blood test for testosterone. If it’s low then he’ll have very low sex drive and his penis likely won’t be functioning very reliably. My DH has low testosterone and has a testosterone injection every 3 months.

If your DH is having issues with maintaining an erection then a cock ring is an easy cheap possible solution.

Sex therapy might be really useful. DH and I have been very out of sync over the years. We had marriage counselling and that helped. If the rest of your relationship is good then you might just need the sex part of therapy and counselling.

Recently I’ve had low to no sex drive for a few years. DH was hassling me, especially after each testosterone injection. We had a big argument, he finally got the message to back the fuck off from hassling me and whining about no sex, and took the pressure off me. He stopped whinging and complaining and instead communicated his attraction to me through his words and touch. That has made such a difference for me.

He started showing interest in me outside of the bedroom instead of only in the bedroom, but in a no pressure way and reassured me that there was no expectation of sex. That helped me to be comfortable and realise that I still enjoyed his attention. That progressed to making an effort to kiss at bedtime for more than a split second peck on the lips. Things would progress a bit further sometimes and not other times. That expanded out into touching each other. Sex still didn’t happen for a bit longer. I was able to ease into rediscovering my sexual side. He’s continued to reassure me that even after 25+ years together he’s still very attracted to me. Currently things are happening between us a few times a week.

And yet if this was a man counting, what would Mumsnet say?

This is perhaps slightly left-field, but I am just checking OP - that your DH is not depressed? That can cause low libido in a lot of people, and if that is the case, then treating the depression may instigate some change. That happened to a good friend of mine, and after going on medication, she had a new lease of life in that regard!

Don’t be ridiculous (and nasty)

The OP likes sex and has had years of very little of it, of course she knows what the numbers are (and can see them going in the direction of zero)

You can't force him to want sex OP, at the moment you're trying to coerce him into doing something you know he doesn't want to do - and that's just plain wrong. If he wanted to change then he would have tried to do something about it by now,

You have to accept he doesn't want much sex and then decide where you want to go with that. You can just accept it, you can leave or you can talk to him about opening up the marriage.

Well you have to have another conversation about it - try and get to the bottom of what it is for him.

You need to say to him that either you open up the marriage (if that could work for you) or you end it (if you can afford that).

It doesn’t sound like there’s going to be a miracle fix, so it’s probably one or the other. If he’s up for it, try marriage counselling as a last ditch attempt.

But if you have a solid sex drive, this is no way to live.

I was in a sexless marriage for many years. I wanted sex, he didn't, and said he was happy for it to be platonic. I didn't have sex in my 40s at all. It's something that has always been important to me, but I stayed in the marriage for the sake of the children.

The marriage ended for different reasons, and I am now in my mid fifties and very happily remarried. We have an extremely active sex life, and it's great.

OP, do talk to your DP about this, see if he's willing to work with you to have a relationship that satisfies you both. If not you have to think long and hard about what you want and what's important to you. Other posters have said that over the next few years you'll probably lose interest in sex anyway but that really might not be the case. My libido has increased as I've gone through the menopause! A sexless marriage, if not your choice, is absolutely soul destroying and miserable IME.

The op needs to find out why that is key. If he doesn't fancy her anymoe sadly there's not much she can do. If he's wanking too much that is reducing his sex drive with her then he can address that.

You cannot change or force him to want it more than he does and clearly giving him an ultimatum does nothing because nothing changes

so you have two choices

1. leave
2. stay and accept this is how it is going to be

Just leave him and find someone who does like sex.

@sexproblems been exactly there. DH really not interested, tried Viagra once but didn't like it so that was that. Had no strings discreet affair at 50 that overall wasn't worth the bother. Didn't see why I should take the financial hit of leaving, so stayed, but separate rooms and mainly separate lives connected by grandchildren really. My take is never depend on a man to meet your needs but there's no guarantee that starting again will resolve your issues. As PPs have said, nothing to say that sex will be so important to you long term.

15 times last year, probably more than most. If you were male, you’d be accused of being a sex pest. As someone whose libido is much lower than my partner’s, I’m so over ultimatums about sex. Not getting enough? Leave. Don’t want to leave. Make it work. Either way, stop the emotional blackmail. Relationships are about so much more than sex.

My DH refused to do anything about his ED, I was frustrated. I had a choice, leave for sex or stay for family/company/financial stability. I stayed. Peri kicked in and I don’t want sex any more either.

You can't make someone have sex if they don't want to. Some people myself included are just not interested in it.
You can either leave, try counselling, have an open marriage or a polyamorous one or stay there and have no sex.
My exH chose to leave. Then he didn't manage to get any sex with a new person or have any relationships and wanted to come back and I said no. He had made his decision. I won't be messed about.
I was happy originally for him to be polyamorous but he didn't want that.
Be sure whatever you do is what you want.

Yes, this is the reality. I would think very carefully before you embark on an affair though. These things have a nasty way of coming out. And even if you’re not caught the guilt will eat away at you - or you’ll end up falling in love with the new man. An open marriage might work, but I suspect not. No matter how rational we try to be, we can’t control our emotions.

God, sex causes us so much flippin misery. I hope one day science advances to the point where we can control the sex drive or even switch it off altogether. OK, sex can be amazing (though generally it isn’t), but I’m convinced humans would be far happier without it. When I look back over my own life, sex and relationships have brought me far more shame and misery than pleasure and happiness. Books, art, nature, friends and animals have been my real source of joy, not sex.

If you've spoken about it many times and nothing has changed, I think it's time to accept that this is what it is. He has not been honest in indicating he will do things that he hasn't gone on to do. I would call it a day.

You talk about it, nothing changes. You gave him an ultimatum which he ignored, and you did not follow through. He Won’t Change, op. So you stay in a sexless marriage, or open the marriage up? Or you split. You have choices - tough ones, but choices nonetheless.

I would ask him to see his gp. I haven’t had sex for over 3 years. As DH has type 2 diabetes and cannot get an erection any more. We’ve tried everything viagra etc. nothing works. He’s been referred to a urologist which can be a 3 yr wait so I hear 🙈🙈🙈. I’m 53 and devastated. Him 58, not so much ……

Have you actually even read the thread?

Most of the responses have not been sympathetic to OP at all. She has been told to sort herself and even been called a sex-obsessed maniac.

Without wanting to be negative, it's likely you'll lose your libido very soon anyway. I wouldn't plan the next 20 years based on how your hormones are now.

No I thought the same.

No, the classic female version of this is the 50something woman who has gone off sex due to hormonal changes but is married to a man who still wants sex.

Most couples in their 50s don't have a 3 year old and a 9 month old so it's a false equivalent.

ETA: I think I misread your post..?