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Original poster

No sex life - WWYD? At my wits end.

113 replies

sexproblems · 24/08/2025 08:38

No idea where we go from here. I really need some honest opinions. Sex drives are hugely mismatched, and it seems to be getting worse. I am female, 55, he is male, 52. Been together for 20 years.

We had sex 15 times in 2024. This year, we have had sex 4 times so far. If I was being positive, I would say that our shift patterns are partly to blame, BUT, we just had two early nights in bed (in bed for 9 hours), both naked and both sober, and he didn't make any moves on me whatsoever.

We have our whole retirement planned out, but I can't live the rest of my life celibate. Where the hell do I go from here? Has anyone been in this situation and managed to turn it around?

OP posts:
BeardOToots · 25/08/2025 08:55

sexproblems · 24/08/2025 20:26

Oh and just to add, the 4 times we’ve done it this year have all lasted 10 minutes tops. No PIV, no orgasm from him. He hasn’t ejaculated in about 2 years.

When you say he drinks, how much does he drink? Drunk every night levels?
He has ED for whatever reason, low T, drinks too much, some other health reason, and refuses to properly address this. I wonder if it’s because he doesn’t want a doctor to tell him he needs to stop drinking to fix it!

Gloriia · 25/08/2025 08:48

BeardOToots · 25/08/2025 08:43

No one has asked her if she does her fair share of housework yet!

Show quote history

True. Do you put the bins out op and rub his feet after a day at work as men must do if they want any intimacy Grin.

BeardOToots · 25/08/2025 08:43

MyJoyousKoala · 24/08/2025 10:03

It’s interesting how different the responses are when the op is a woman rather than a man. If a man had posted this, there would have been a large number of comments telling him he’s a grown man who should ‘sort himself out’ and stop putting pressure on his poor wife!

No one has asked her if she does her fair share of housework yet!

Gloriia · 25/08/2025 08:37

sexproblems · 24/08/2025 20:26

Oh and just to add, the 4 times we’ve done it this year have all lasted 10 minutes tops. No PIV, no orgasm from him. He hasn’t ejaculated in about 2 years.

You've been together 20 yrs has this just happened in the last 2yrs? Was your sex life very good and active prior to that?

Are you 100% sure there isn't anyone else on the scene? Sorry to suggest it just many people think if their spouses aren't having suspicious nights away there's nothing to worry about but very often if they've lost interest it's because they are busy elsewhere with a work colleague and having secret afternoons of fun whilst you think they're at work. I'd dig and snoop if I were you.

lizzyBennet08 · 24/08/2025 23:03

Op

I think it's fair to say that this is unlikely to get a whole lot better as he gets older. For many people of both sexes, sex drive can decrease post 50. It not a case of his is wrong and you're is 'right', it's just that you're mismatched.

I think I'd work on the basis that it probably won't get much better and have a real think about whether this is a deal breaker for you. It sounds like it is so I'd suggest ending it sooner rather than later as you'll only grow more resentful over time .
Bluntly ita also easier to find new sexual partner the younger you are.

sorry for you both. It's rubbish.

pricklycitrus · 24/08/2025 22:15

Can you get some personal counselling to help you work through what the best way forward is? The old cliche that you can only change yourself is true, so I think it comes down to you deciding what you are willing to live with or not, rather than trying to change him.

Dogaredabomb · 24/08/2025 20:39

For how many years has sex been an issue?

Dogaredabomb · 24/08/2025 20:31

Notusualnameobvs · 24/08/2025 11:42

@sexproblems been exactly there. DH really not interested, tried Viagra once but didn't like it so that was that. Had no strings discreet affair at 50 that overall wasn't worth the bother. Didn't see why I should take the financial hit of leaving, so stayed, but separate rooms and mainly separate lives connected by grandchildren really. My take is never depend on a man to meet your needs but there's no guarantee that starting again will resolve your issues. As PPs have said, nothing to say that sex will be so important to you long term.

I think I would take this approach, more or less lead separate lives and certainly separate bedrooms. There's nothing more soul destroying than being rejected repeatedly.

Original poster
sexproblems · 24/08/2025 20:26

Oh and just to add, the 4 times we’ve done it this year have all lasted 10 minutes tops. No PIV, no orgasm from him. He hasn’t ejaculated in about 2 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
sexproblems · 24/08/2025 20:21

I’ve no idea how people think sorting yourself out is the same as having a good shag with a human being? It’s crap by comparison. To answer previous questions, he did have a porn habit but doesn’t anymore (I know this to be true), he never wanks (I wish he would as that would at least show there was some desire). He smokes and drinks. He definitely has ED.

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 24/08/2025 16:37

MyJoyousKoala · 24/08/2025 10:03

It’s interesting how different the responses are when the op is a woman rather than a man. If a man had posted this, there would have been a large number of comments telling him he’s a grown man who should ‘sort himself out’ and stop putting pressure on his poor wife!

Like the post two posts above yours by @PoshDuckQuarkQuark

kkloo · 24/08/2025 16:12

sexproblems · 24/08/2025 13:44

Just trying to catch up on comments.

We had another talk this morning. He was defensive at first, but then went into full on "we will fix this" mode. He said he will make a GP appt tomorrow (he 100% won't). He said he thought about initiating the other couple of nights we were in bed early, but for whatever reason just didn't, and said he knew he would regret that later. It's just word salad really, isn't it?

Yes, to a PP, it's not hard to count, when it's so infrequent. We dtd twice in February (on hols), once in May and once in July. Woop woop.

Gah.

If you know he won't make the appointment then what's the plan?

CrispsinaBowl · 24/08/2025 15:44

Am I the only one who thinks that 15x year for a couple married for 20 years is not that unusual? Just me, LOL?!

Definitely not just you. For some of my friends it would be on the high side.

Original poster
sexproblems · 24/08/2025 15:34

Well yes, I can "sort myself out", but that's nowhere near having sex with an actual man!!

OP posts:
YorkshireIndie · 24/08/2025 15:25

Might be worth getting his testosterone levels checked. There is a link between low testosterone and heart problems in men

gandeysflipflop · 24/08/2025 15:23

MyJoyousKoala · 24/08/2025 10:03

It’s interesting how different the responses are when the op is a woman rather than a man. If a man had posted this, there would have been a large number of comments telling him he’s a grown man who should ‘sort himself out’ and stop putting pressure on his poor wife!

I thought the exact same thing!

WallaceinAnderland · 24/08/2025 15:18

I said I couldn't go one more day without sex.

That wasn't true.

He said "we will have to rectify that"

That wasn't true.

Neither of you are taking this seriously and talking properly. If you want a more active sex life and he doesn't then you need to separate and find partners who are more compatible.

No one is right or wrong, you just have different needs. You can't make him want it more and he can't make you want it less. It's not really that hard to understand is it?

CreationNat1on · 24/08/2025 15:15

Go on holiday more often.

Glitchymn1 · 24/08/2025 15:12

Get a toy?

Do you love him OP? You just have mis matched sex drives, I can’t believe you’ve kept track 🫣 is it a deal breaker? He can’t help not wanting to have sex all the time. Well, maybe not all the time as such but as much as you.

Gloriia · 24/08/2025 15:11

'If her DH isn't interested in sex, then perhaps he'd be OK with her seeking it elsewhere, and if he's not OK with that, then her options are leave or make do with plastic toys'

Boredom and complacency can be common in long term relationships. I don't believe anyone has a low sex drive just for whatever reason they aren't bothered about their current sex life. The key is finding why.

Netcurtainnelly · 24/08/2025 15:08

Mynewparasitefriend · 24/08/2025 08:57

I couldn’t live like that, you have my sympathies OP.

Would he consider an open marriage? Would you? Is it just sex you need or specifically sex with your DH? Would you consider a very discreet affair?

Time for a very open conversation. You want to be excited for your life together but you won’t live in a sexless marriage.

Dreadful advice telling her to have an affair.
Who with is this person married as well
What happens when the shit hits the fan.
Nobody died from not having sex.

Either leave him if you really can't stand it or get a vibrator.

Tiswa · 24/08/2025 15:06

sexproblems · 24/08/2025 14:59

I really don't want sex with anyone else. I am pretty sure that would be the end of our relationship. I just want him to have a sex drive!

But you just can’t wish that into existence or change it unless he wants to. And the level of sex he has has to be one he and you are comfortable with

PoshDuckQuarkQuark · 24/08/2025 15:04

sexproblems · 24/08/2025 14:59

I really don't want sex with anyone else. I am pretty sure that would be the end of our relationship. I just want him to have a sex drive!

But you can't force that. Lots of men have declining hormone levels and just don't want sex any more. Same for many women.

You need to talk to him about it. It clearly bothers you far more than it bothers him. Do you want him to see a doctor?

The more you force it, the worse it can make it.

Gloriia · 24/08/2025 15:02

sexproblems · 24/08/2025 14:59

I really don't want sex with anyone else. I am pretty sure that would be the end of our relationship. I just want him to have a sex drive!

Does he masturbate and use porn do you know?

Original poster
sexproblems · 24/08/2025 14:59

I really don't want sex with anyone else. I am pretty sure that would be the end of our relationship. I just want him to have a sex drive!

OP posts: