No sex life - WWYD? At my wits end.

I’m the same OP. I don’t know what to do

It definitely can.
I think it's fine to say you're going to leave unless the person goes to the doctor.

But if you threaten to leave and then accept sex shortly afterwards then that is problematic. No one should accept sex shortly after a talk list this, they should only accept action towards seeing if the issue can be solved, such as going to the doctor.

Did he make the doctors appointment and if not did you bring it up?

If you can’t give your partner an orgasm it’s no wonder they’ve lost interest. Maybe instead of PIV you could find other ways to help them orgasm first before you get your turn

Once a month is normal for a very long term relationship.
The only way to understand is to talk about it. If it doesn’t work for you then work with him to try and find an option that will work. But you’re not celibate.

Threatening to leave would surely count as coercion, which is largely frowned upon these days.

physically No. No one dies from lack of sex. But emotionally? Spiritually people can absolutely wither and die inside

Honestly I thought that but after unpicking things relised there were a lot more things wrong - we had marriage counselling and it came out he had an underlying resentment and had for many years

Well I don’t know for sure with my ex but I don’t think it was porn

The op has said it isn't porn, she has access to all his tech and is 100% sure he is not wanking in another room while she thinks he's watching footie. I would still sadly guess he is and is just using private browsing or deleting his history.

Any men reading this do please share if they think there is such a thing as a man who isnt bothered about sex with their long term dp but also doesn't masturbate?

I’m going to be frank with you. Yes it could be test, age, other things..but the biggest reason for this I’ve seen (and is becoming a major issue for relationships) is porn.

Most married men are online, talking to other women, watching porn. A man who has been like this with you for a good while..I’d assume porn. Look up porn induced erectile dysfunction to start. They’ve rendered themselves limp 🤣

Go have sex. Dump his arse.
I have very little sympathy for this type of male

This is really sad. I feel for you op. I know you don’t want to have an affair or open things up, but if the situation presented itself, with a man who clearly fancied you and found you attractive would you be able to resist, I’m not sure I would.

Tbh, the smoking and drinking would bother me a lot more, but to each their own!

Probably more common than you think. Very wide variation of normal with this sort of thing. The thing you have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you or not.

All this “take a lover” “ have an affair”, I’d love to! I’m in the same position. Same age. But how on earth do I do this!?!?!

Yoir/your husband's situation sounds more difficult in this regard than most.
Maybe work/tiredness etc also 🤔
Probably need to work on it together, investigate 'low mood'/depression if that's an issue for him. Sort of depends on where your relationship is at. I guess try not to make it 'his problem' and insist he does something about it. Psychological stress will only exacerbate the issue.
The only thing that's certain is that you can't magic up an erection, if it ain't rising, it ain't rising.
It's also something that, for many reasons, is difficult for men to talk about, though thankfully this is changing, and many more men are now ready/happy to talk about such issues. But 'limp dick' jokes are easily made, and happen a lot, and can have a big effect if an individual is having ED/low sex drive issues.
And of course there is more to sex than just the penetrative sort 😀

I had similar - getting divorced now - met someone who actually fancies me and want to have sex regularly

That's great but how can you be like best friends when there's this massive elephant in the room that he won't discuss. How can you have great holidays when you go to bed at night feeling utterly rejected and unattractive to your dh?

Even if he said 'I have ED but I don't care and don't want to get treatment/address it' that would be something. It'd be the not knowing that'd kill me.

Have you had a good and active sex life for the 20yrs prior to this very dry last 2 years?

Op, even if he has a stressful job there is always time and opportunity for afternoons of fun so while I really don't want to keep pushing the issue do not rule it out.

While you say 'life or death' job this isn't the police control room dispatcher with a serious booze problem is it? Just similar terminology. Apologies if not.

A man's testosterone levels decrease by about 1% a year from late 30s/early 40s. It's a natural part of male aging - you have a lower sex drive, and erections are less reliable. Obviously there is a lot of individual variation, but it's just a fact of life.
If you chuck into the mix (thinking hypothetically here) familiarity after many years together and/or relationship issues, it's not a surprise that this affects many people/couples.

I'm sorry OP but this is sounding even more like my situation that I briefly described earlier. My ex had chronic ED and inability to ejaculate. I think it was a combination of poor physical health and a big porn habit. I know you say he's not using porn now, but the fact that he has may mean that he needs that sort of stimulation rather than a physical relationship with an actual person.

Based on what you've now shared I would say that there's very little hope for you to regain an active sex life, not unless he's prepared to put in an awful lot of work.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel wanted and desired, and to want sex. Please don't put your wishes aside and treat them as unimportant. I wasted several years of my life like that, and I cannot fully describe how wonderful it is to now have a partner who wants sex as much as I do, and desires me.