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Original poster

Husband ick and porn/youtube

61 replies

Dropthatdonkey · 24/08/2025 07:47

So we’ve been together 10 years, married 1. Both early 50s with late teen/grown children and living together. He’s great in so many ways - fair with housework, money, reliable, no real vices, hobbies in reasonable proportion etc. Sex life is good and active.
We have previously discussed porn briefly and I’d assumed he might use it but I guess thought lightly and during dry spells as he downplayed it a lot.
He came down from a bath a few weeks back were he always takes his iPad and we went to look at house finances and a porn page was open as he went to look for something. He looked panicked but pretended he wasn’t. I felt very uncomfortable and tried to explain it left me feeling odd as he’s literally just said he was too tired for sex that night and like I said I didn’t know he was a regular user. He swore blind it was from weeks ago and he mustn’t of shut tab. We moved past it but yes I didn’t forget and it left a bit of a ? Over what he watches on iPad and does in bath…
Then the other night he was chilling in bed before me with iPad and headphones on and as I went to ask him something I realised he’s watching a reactions YouTuber video - the sort with a pretty 20 something scantily clad but nothing obscene. I googled her and nothing too awful comes up but she is clearly making money by old men mostly sending her ‘gifts’ for her reactions videos. She has no onlyfans thankfully but discord etc. He said she was just a YouTube video that popped up in his feed. How much he loves me etc etc and would never cheat. I have no idea if he’s ever gifted anything and on the surface I’d say he’s far too sensible with money for that but obviously I didnt even know he watched these vids. Maybe it was a one off and did genuinely just pop up in his YouTube feed … maybe it’s a regular, I’ll never know.
Problem is i now feel all disconnected from him. I think he thinks it knocks my self esteem - it doesn’t really though yes it’s not great. So his reassuring he loves me only goes so far to help. The fact is it’s given me a bit of an ick for him and makes me think of him as a sad dirty old man. Every time I see him on iPad I wonder what he’s watching and feel a bit grim about it. The girl was about same age as his eldest. Not a kid but mid 20s and we are 50s!
We are due to go on a romantic break and I just feel like I can’t even be bothered talking to him let alone having sex. I just feel like I don’t really know him and now don’t trust him or feel at all close or loving. I’m downplaying it with him as I wanted time to process without him constantly declaring his love etc. But for me I feel so different when I look at him at the moment and am avoiding him. In some ways it’s only 2 small instances but yet it’s opened a can of worms of what else does he look at and what’s going on in his head.
Aibu?
If so how do I stop feeling like this?

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 24/08/2025 09:07

When I pleasure myself its nothing to do with my husband, I love having sex with him. Its a stress reliever and I can focus on myself. Try not to take that part too
personal.

The other stuff im not too sure as I think it would give me the ick as well. Men are definitely different from women! Talk to him as it sounds you have a good marriage, be honest with how you feel.

InterestedDad37 · 24/08/2025 09:02

Dropthatdonkey · 24/08/2025 08:55

Yep that’s my thinking! I’m guessing from user name you might be a man and it’s great to get that perspective
Two things that really troubled me is that he seemed to chose to use porn in bath when sex was clearly an option. He denied this like I say and swore blind it was an old tab and he hadn’t just had a wank in bath that night.
also that he is watching YouTube reaction videos from a girl that has the discord pay for live interaction monthly plans and options to gift her things like perfume. I have no reason to think he’s been on discord and I know that YouTube now is just full of so called influencers that are really only platforms to push people to onlyfans and discord etc so it’s hard not to stumble on them. But still I can’t say I’ve had this issue…
So those 2 things sit very uneasy with me on top of what looks like more porn use than I realised.
I guess I worry it is tip of ice burg and he’s in that rabbit hole - one I certainly don’t want to go down.

Show quote history

(Yeah, I'm a bloke 👏)
If he's choosing porn over the real thing, we'll, that happens, but it's not healthy. And if he's paying/gifting things, then it's a rocky road (I don't know what 'discord' is though).
So, I think porn use can be a healthy thing for men/women/couples to investigate, but it sounds like his use is starting to be unhealthy.
Hope you can both make some progress together 👍

Original poster
Dropthatdonkey · 24/08/2025 08:55

InterestedDad37 · 24/08/2025 08:38

He was absolutely watching porn and having a wank in the bath, and the only thing that'll stop him is dropping his iPad in the water.
Everyone has fantasies, and many people get off on looking at something that turns them on. It can coexist with a healthy relationship.
(I am aware, of course, that the porn industry is founded on all kinds of misogyny and hurt.)

Yep that’s my thinking! I’m guessing from user name you might be a man and it’s great to get that perspective
Two things that really troubled me is that he seemed to chose to use porn in bath when sex was clearly an option. He denied this like I say and swore blind it was an old tab and he hadn’t just had a wank in bath that night.
also that he is watching YouTube reaction videos from a girl that has the discord pay for live interaction monthly plans and options to gift her things like perfume. I have no reason to think he’s been on discord and I know that YouTube now is just full of so called influencers that are really only platforms to push people to onlyfans and discord etc so it’s hard not to stumble on them. But still I can’t say I’ve had this issue…
So those 2 things sit very uneasy with me on top of what looks like more porn use than I realised.
I guess I worry it is tip of ice burg and he’s in that rabbit hole - one I certainly don’t want to go down.

OP posts:
TheGrimSmile · 24/08/2025 08:39

You feel like this for a reason. It's fucking grim. Yes, loads of men do it blah, blah, blah but it's still fucking grim. Everyone has their own standards but I'm not sure I could get past it.

InterestedDad37 · 24/08/2025 08:38

He was absolutely watching porn and having a wank in the bath, and the only thing that'll stop him is dropping his iPad in the water.
Everyone has fantasies, and many people get off on looking at something that turns them on. It can coexist with a healthy relationship.
(I am aware, of course, that the porn industry is founded on all kinds of misogyny and hurt.)

Original poster
Dropthatdonkey · 24/08/2025 08:36

Tidekiln · 24/08/2025 08:08

For all the good the internet brings it's a shame all the bad that comes of it too. Relationships never had to deal with all these challenges before it existed. My dad is in his 70s and I accidentally noticed porn tabs on his phone one day. I just assumed my dad didnt watch it, dont know why, but it was a reminder that he is a man not a saint. Porn, only fans, strip clubs, influencers all exist and with the intention of drawing men in to ultimately get money from them.

If you dont want him looking at it then you will need to be clear with him.

I do totally get this. We have previously talking about monogamy and our values and sex was and apparently still is something we both agreed was only between us.
I would not object to occasional use in a dry spell type thing. I guess it’s the casual porn/youtuber use I dislike. The fact he seems to have been watching it as light relief and not just as a dry spell type functional thing feels like something I just didn’t know about him. I got so used to him watching his hobby stuff YouTubers and music vids it just never occurred to me he’d be sitting there watching that in our bed or the bath. I see his iPad now and think of all the hours he watches it and now think how many hours are spent on porn/girl YouTubers. It could be almost 0 hours or lots. But the fact it’s occurred twice in relatively short space of time with no sex or relationship issues does concern me. I hate those guys who watch porn on their phone on trains or buses as if it’s just a way to kill a bit of time. Read a book for gods sake! I’m not saying my husband is like this but then I genuinely thought he was in the bath watching cycling videos!
Don’t worry I will talk to him again. I just don’t know how to quite explain my issues and what it is exactly I want. I want him to be the man I thought he was I guess and to not be doubting what he’s watching on his iPad now…

OP posts:
Trepidfox · 24/08/2025 08:24

Porn is a slippery slope but don't forget its also just another way for content creators and websites to keep you scrolling and can be very addictive. It's the attention olympics and all of these sites will be monitoring his algorithm and keeping him scrolling.

It may be that the bath thing is now a fully formed habit and before long it will creep in further. You will get a few 'porn is fine' comments but not everyone feels the same and if that's a boundary crossed for you, he needs to know it and respect it.

I'll admit I watched porn when I was younger and thought it was harmless but I soon learned a very high percentage of women are trafficked and underage and under duress on these sites and it truly made me resolve that's it a horrid industry and I want no part of it in my life.

He's still your husband, but he's gone down a rabbit hole and needs a reality check. Hopefully you can both get past this and continue having a healthy relationship

DontStopMeNowGoodTime · 24/08/2025 08:16

It's not OK that he rejected sex but then watched porn. I don't think you need to stop feeling the way you do, porn is grim.

JacquesHarlow · 24/08/2025 08:10

Tidekiln · 24/08/2025 08:08

For all the good the internet brings it's a shame all the bad that comes of it too. Relationships never had to deal with all these challenges before it existed. My dad is in his 70s and I accidentally noticed porn tabs on his phone one day. I just assumed my dad didnt watch it, dont know why, but it was a reminder that he is a man not a saint. Porn, only fans, strip clubs, influencers all exist and with the intention of drawing men in to ultimately get money from them.

If you dont want him looking at it then you will need to be clear with him.

Such a wonderful post - reminds me that AIBU can be a useful place amongst all the baiting

Tidekiln · 24/08/2025 08:08

For all the good the internet brings it's a shame all the bad that comes of it too. Relationships never had to deal with all these challenges before it existed. My dad is in his 70s and I accidentally noticed porn tabs on his phone one day. I just assumed my dad didnt watch it, dont know why, but it was a reminder that he is a man not a saint. Porn, only fans, strip clubs, influencers all exist and with the intention of drawing men in to ultimately get money from them.

If you dont want him looking at it then you will need to be clear with him.

Ohlifelife · 24/08/2025 08:08

Personally if I knew my H was watching porn and getting his sexual gratification from.women young enough to be his daughter when he was supposedly in a monogamous marriage with me I wouldnt get over it. I would have no respect for him.

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