Husband ick and porn/youtube

Try finding a man that doesn't, better chance of winning the lottery

Is this post some kind of click bait?

The thing that is concerning isn't watching porn or masturbating, but the fact he feels the need to lie about it - either you are being judgemental about something totally normal (so he's being secretive in a way he wouldn't be with someone else) or he has a problem he is trying to hide (e.g. he is addicted to porn or is paying people online for sex). Neither one is conducive to a healthy relationship.

Hardly porn on YouTube
People tend not to be entertained by their own age group (maybe 20 somethings)
You seem to have given the impression to him that the occasional use was okay but are now saying it's only okay if I lay down the rules.
(the narcissist comment isn't too wide of the mark)

It's simple, if you can't live with it you say look I made a mistake I'm not alright about it.

You can't micro manage his usage, if you ask him to stop chances are he will but if you get into the habit of policing his behaviour the chances are that you'll cause resentment or push him to be thoroughly secretive, in which case he may delve deeper or seek someone irl less controlling.

Sorry, but a scantily clad youtuber is today's equivalent of looking through the catalogue lingerie section....its not sxx trafficking

What a silly silly post. Imagine diagnosing someone online as a narcissist because they have concerns over porn consumption.

OP it isn't about the bath

It's about him perving over a girl the same age as his daughter. He is a dirty old man who sees women as objects and does not care one jot about the damage porn does. No wonder you have the ick.

They all watch it, I went out with a Pakistan Dr he said they all watch it, I think you just have to accept it. Main reason I'm staying single, it's all gone to far.

Men are wired differently. Sometimes (well many times) they just want to get off on their own in private. Doesn’t mean anything with regards to whether they do or do not find their partner attractive, etc, etc, etc. They’re just men.

Here’s the thing: sometimes, it’s possible to just fancy a wank. It’s a different thing from sex, and it’s even a different thing from getting ‘relief’ from a partner. I’m not a bloke, but there are definitely times when - even if my partner were to offer to get me off without me having to reciprocate - I would probably just prefer some, er, alone time. It’s just a different dynamic and a different thing. Almost like wanting to go to a cafe on your own sometimes. I love my partner and I like going for a coffee with him but sometimes I just want to do that on my own because it’s a different headspace and I just don’t want to do something with another person. Same applies to sex. My partner’s great in bed and I love him and fancy him. I really enjoy sex with him. But now and again I just want to make myself come without having to connect with another person, even my lovely partner.

Everyone is entitled to masturbate in private. Everyone is entitled to turn down sex. You have a sex life with your husband and he is allowed to prefer a wank occasionally - it doesn’t have any bearing whatsoever on his attraction to you.

The YouTube video? Yeah, it probably did just come up in his feed. The algorithm knows he’s a slightly older man and it probably will be recommending videos of attractive younger women to him. It is very natural and normal that an attractive woman, regardless of her age, is going to catch a man’s eye. To be honest, if a video of a gorgeous shirtless man appeared in my feed, I’d probably watch it out of curiosity and enjoy a couple of minutes of mindless ogling. Frankly, my Instagram feed is frequently full of attractive men because I follow fan accounts for The Witcher - consequently it recommends me clips of Henry Cavill which I invariably end up watching because it’s a nice little visual treat, and now I also get various clips of other good-looking men with great bodies. Sometimes I watch them, think ‘Blimey, what a hot man’, and then give them no more thought whatsoever.

None of this means I don’t fancy my partner (who is in his 50s and not at all like Henry Cavill!) or that my partner isn’t enough for me. I adore him and I find him very attractive and I love sex with him.

You’re obviously allowed to have porn as a deal-breaker and to be uncomfortable with it. That’s up to you.

But all I’m saying is that I do think you’re attributing a meaning to your husband’s actions which simply aren’t there. Everyone has a private interior life in their head that has nothing to do with their partner. If you have a serious objection to the very concept of porn, which obviously many people do and which you’re entitled to have, then you can make this your line in the sand. But even if he never watches porn again, he is still going to have a wank now and again and he is still going to have idle thoughts of attractive women. That is normal and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t fancy you.

I think you really aren't understanding the difference between a solitary wank and sex. The key is in the solitary, it's not about you. It's just a stress relieving pleasurable thing, most people have the occasional fantasy that they want to keep in their heads, it's not a rejection of your partner. Sex takes headspace and a quick wank doesn't. Really, you are making too big a thing of this.
Porn is another matter, I'm not a fan, but you are making him lie about it, as he obviously knows you are going to have this reaction.

I'm saying all this as a women by the way.

Yes, you have to correct definition.

Be honest.
Tell him that you have started seeing him as a sad old man.
Tell him you feel his porn habit is very grim and you get the ick.

If he doesn't honestly want to change his ways, as in, really happy to hear you and quit the porn, if I were you, I'd call it quits.
There can be no compromising when he gives you the ick and you have lost all respect.

And I agree with this

You can actually look up what he has watched on his YouTube history. Just fyi..

I would not be with a man who uses porn. Many videos are non consensual, trafficked or underage women. Porn Hub had to take about 80% of its content down for this reason.

Absolutely disgusting he thinks women are a commodity to be consumed.

Just no.

You are having sex regularly so just let the guy watch some porn occasionally. It's not the end of the world.

Sex is completely different to a wank though, even as a woman. Sex is much more effort and needs much more headspace IMO, I can certainly not be bothered with sex at times but be up for just sorting myself out.

I'm definitely not a fan of porn but watch on occasion - I'm in my 50's but I'm not wanting to watch fat, balding middle aged men! Of course he's watching younger women because it's not about love, it's about what looks best and on a purely superficial level people's bodies tend to look much better in their 20's than their 50's.

You can't dictate what he does, but you are free to not like it and choose to leave.

I really don’t have an issue if my husband had a wank to porn. Masturbating is natural and porn can be part of it.

I think that he's allowed to have a wank when too tired for sex

The discord (has he actually been on it?) and youtube reels does suggest tip of the iceberg stuff especially the watching as entertainment rather than for intentioned masturbation.

I'd highly reccomend Chris jones therapy who can support him. No harm done if its a none issue but always worth investigating and getting the right appropriate help.

Hello op
Check out omar minwhalla secret sexual basement and ambiguous grief/helping couples heal podcast. You might not fully relate to all of it and that's fine but it might help you put into words or to show your partner what you feel.

He Downplayed or hid a part of himself. You now discovering this has altered your reality and view of him. It's also taken away your informed consent. You may feel differently part taking in sex knowing he has just watched pornography beforehand. Or declined sex because he chose to masturbate over other people instead.

Ofcourse thats going to change the relationship. Its not about insecurity. When we agree to a monogamous relationship and think we are both on the same page only to find someone is seeking sexual gratification outside of the relationship. That very logically is going to change things.

It's only society that has said oh its fine if its on a screen or it's at a stag do. None of which I agree with personally.
What's fine and what's not is up to you and your partner. You both need to agree what your relationship is going to look like. You do need honesty though. That might be a skill your partner doesn't have. To be open vunerable and transparent. So if you agree something and he thinks he can just hide the bits he doesn't want you to see then you will need to figure out your boundaries and consequences.

Personally I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who uses porn. Who lies and hides who they are. Who wants to manipulate my reality and my view of them. So whilst society might say oh pornography use is "normal" actually what positives is it bringing to you relationship?

Wish you all the best op.