Husband ick and porn/youtube

I'm sorry, OP, I would leave.

Porn in certain circumstances wouldn't always be an automatic dealbreaker, but catching your partner wanking over women young enough to be his daughters.... I couldn't move past this. I couldn't ever find someone sexually attractive after that.

I'm sure someone will be along shortly (if they haven't already) to say its silly to throw away a "good marriage" over this but... Nah. Dealbreaker for me.

Looks like you've replied to the wrong thread.

It's not the wank that's the problem, it's the porn.

I'd feel the same about porn. The YouTube video though could be nothing, lots of entertainment involves beautiful young women, there's no escaping that and he may watch it for the content rather than the woman. It sounds like a good relationship other than the porn so I would look at couples counselling to try and move past it.

OP - your story is something that pops up on MN a lot. Mostly women tend not to see their part in it - so it's positive that you do. Kids are hard, granted. 6 years without sex is also hard. Both of you played a part in this.

I think - given that you are not one-sided on this - you have a good chance of getting through this. Many marriages get through physical infidelity - when both people want to work on it. Yours didn't go as far. And both of you want to make it work.

I do think you two should find a councillor and talk about what happened and how to re-build your marriage. Also - have a look at Ester Perel - I think she has a lot of god insights into marriages - she has years of experience as a family counsellor. And she is pragmatic and does not see life in simplistic black/white.

Last year I caught my dh on a call with a web cam girl in the middle of the night, it led to our marriage being blown apart and me discovering he was addicted to porn and accessed it most days. I felt betrayed, stupid, unloved, ugly etc etc
We paid for couples therapy, she made me realise it wasn’t my fault and the addiction to porn was his issue not mine, we could have sex daily but it wouldn’t take away his need to access porn as it is an addiction.
I’m not saying your dh is addicted to it but when people say “oh it’s only a bit of porn all men do it” it really pisses me off. The days of men just looking at scantily clad women in a magazine are gone and the internet now offers actual one on one access with a sex worker which in my opinion is cheating.
18 months later I’m still unsure if I can get past it, I think I have some days but then something will trigger me and I get the ick all over again.
Talk to your dh, don’t let this fester.

Sometimes when im low or stressed I'm not in the mood for sex with H, and the effort/connection/confidence it entails, but just want a quick 'release'. I wouldn't take the part about turning down sex and then masturbating personally, they serve very different functions and can be totally different experiences. Up to you how you feel about porn of course, that's very personal.

Not interested in engaging with me yet engaging with me. Its human nature I'm afraid. Men are allowed to wank, men are allowed to find grown women attractive. As a middle aged woman ideally I wish I lived in a fairy land where men suddenly stopped finding younger women attractive but realistically it doesnt happen. Men will always be attracted to fit attractive women of child bearing age.

Oh the poor little lambs being ‘drawn in’ and before they know it, their dick is their hand and they’re ignoring their actual partner. Yes, they’re creeps. I’ve seen your posts on mumsnet before and I’m not interested in engaging with you further. 🤮

So when a man hits 40 all of a sudden he is expected to not find women in their twenties desirable? In terms of YouTube etc all it takes is watching a few videos featuring a young woman for it to recommend many more. I can watch one female fitness video on instagram and my feed is full of them, many young attractive females. It's so easy for a man to be drawn in. It doesnt mean they are creeps. Most videos feature younger rather than older women for a reason.

Yes. Not one young enough to be his daughter. And it’s not just finding them attractive, it’s wanking about them. So yes, grim. HTH.

Would it still be grim if they didnt have daughters? What age of woman is it ok for a man to fancy or find attractive?

And OP is allowed to get the ick from that.

Men looking at women the same age as their 20 something year old daughters is grim.

If someone is a regular YouTube poster they will know their videos can be viewed by anyone across the world including men. I'm pretty sure you can also view your analytics which shows the age range, gender, location etc of viewers.

Many women watch porn regularly.

Porn isn't 'healthy' by any measure. The word that keeps coming up is grim, and the grimmest thing is how it's making you feel. You don't need to force yourself to overcome that.

I’m not so sure. So far as I know, oribitors become obsessed with young women who post on stuff they’re genuinely interested in, like baking or science fiction.

I'm sure any pretty girl posting openly on you tube will know that there will be many men watching their videos, presumably they're not stupid.

I think there's a big difference between random porn videos, and choosing specific women.
One ex friend once said to me all men have a favourite pornstar/glamour model etc, and that really gave me the ick.
I do not like porn, to me it is a form of cheating to view it whilst in a relationship, which i have an explicit coversation with potential partners about my feelings on it before we get to the dating stage.
The idea of someone in a relationship lusting and masturbating over a specific woman, it's just gross, its more about the actress than the act. Especially if they pay for it.
In your case the fact alone he's looking at someone 20 something years younger around his own daughters age is an ick i'd never come back from.

Why?

He didn’t have to perform beyond lying down

Yikes....this is weird to me, beginning to see why he chooses a quick wank over easy porn!!

Has anyone heard of ‘orbiters’? I’ve only just come across the word. It refers to older men (40 +) who follow the videos of younger women on YouTube. Apparently it’s quite common. The girls are not posting erotic or provocative stuff, and their videos could be on anything from university exams to decorating their room. They are generally very pretty, of course, and the men become obsessed. Unlike Onlyfans, however, they don’t send them money, and unlike stalking the girls don’t know they exist.

This.

Ignoring the porn for a minute, there are absolutely times when I'd rather get myself off than have DP do it for me.

Even if all I've got to do is "just lie back" during a hand job, it's a different experience than masturbating. Masturbating somehow involves less effort, because I'm in control I don't have to focus on having an orgasm in the same way I do in DP is in charge.

The two things scratch different urges for me. Sex doesn't satisfy the urge to wank, and a wank doesn't satisfy the urge for sex.

Edit: Sorry, just seen that others have posted similar and that you've taken it onboard, apologies for repeating a point.