Husband has got extreme views

If you don't have children, I guess it's about what you can tolerate. Perhaps agree never to discuss politics?

If you have children, I would be more concerned about learned behaviour and views, especially if they are xenophobic or misogynistic (if he's telling you yours wrong, is it his views or that a woman/his wife is challenging him?).

Good luck. My dad has developed a similar mindset and I literally spend effort making sure we never talk about those topics.

I was responding to the pp whose argument was that the op should respect her husband’s views (including that the earth is flat) because he also holds the view that there’s too much immigration.

I did not make a judgement on immigration because that’s a whole different can of worms. But the pp’s argument is that because the OP’s husband holds one (arguably) valid view, his views deserve respect. If he said that the sun rises in the east but the earth is flat, would his views still deserve respect? Or do we just have to stick with those who share our views on immigration?

It’s just two people with differing opinions. He accepts you alongside your views which don’t align with his, so maybe you could accept he has different views, no matter how alien they are to you. Just agree to disagree. But if this is a dealbreaker for you, then maybe consider separating. It may be he starts to dismiss his views in the future. I know someone who had conspiracy theories on the 9/11 attack, but who has now flipped on that, I guess due to getting more information.

If he genuinely believed that woman had actually caused the downfall of man, because a talking snake convinced her to eat a forbidden apple, you'd think he'd lost his marbles.

On some level I think we give most religious people the benefit of the doubt, and think they don't believe literally, but in the meaning conveyed by the story.

I have an uncle like this and within our family there’s two distinct approaches to him.

First one - people refuse to be around him. They won’t come to a function if he is there and stuff like that.

Second one - people will be around him and if he pipes up it’s a “pipe down Kev” or change the subject or “Kev no one asked”.

I am in the second camp because I genuinely think he has a bit of something wrong with him. He seems genuinely distressed at some things and he was always a bit strange. I also refuse to exclude his wife and kids (who also fall into the second camp). It’s really hard to help people like this, and the kind of help they need depends on why they’re like this. Some people are just a bit dim (I used to work in a pub and some of our regs fell into this category) but if the person is educated and used to have critical thinking, I tend to think it’s a different issues.

However - it’s different when it’s your husband I’m sure. I see my uncle maybe once a month; I don’t see him everyday. I wouldn’t judge my aunt if she divorced him and never looked back and I wouldn’t judge you either. How is his family? Does he have any support outside of you?

I'd tell him to fuck off to beyond the ice wall.

I'd tolerate conspiracy theories for their entertainment value, but once they're being used to justify being a racist, I'd be done.

This is what I cant seem to reconcile in my head. If he was saying he believed say the bible creation story, why is that acceptable to me, as a non religious person that he believes that, but not that he beleives some other story that is say about the moon landing
I don't think you would be able to live with that in reality though. It's just that the conspiracy theories are your reality. My DH's family are very vocal atheists. He is atheist but doesn't go as far as his parents with the 'I can't believe people are so stupid'. I'm not religious but my family are. They are not stupid ( or creationist I don't think!) but they are people I love. If DH slagged off my mum and brothers constantly calling people like them stupid I would not be able to live with that. He has said he would not have married me if I was as religious as them.

OP I am posting because I am in a very similar boat. All started during brexit/covid. He was formerly apolitical. We have an older child who like me views a lot of the theories and viewpoints as crackpot. We are a very long way down the road and mumsnet is full of people saying they would just leave. I find it very hard to countenance throwing a grenade into my whole life for this. If no kids and not a long history and complete financial entanglement I likely would.

I suspect many of the same themes come through. Let's not even get into it. And I'm 'brainwashed', he is very learned on it all. I believe he is in an echo chamber on the internet and he now loves ChatGPT - I had to point out that it adapts to you and tells you information in a way it believes you want to receive it. Eg on earth is flat (not one of his pet subjects but he has others) if you were not logged in it would be rational, for him as a 'truth seeker' it's likely to pose critical questions and be agreeable to the flatness...!

What gets me is the constant negativity, it's wearing. And I don't know how best to move forward.

I think the question you ask yourself is whether your values align, and if they don’t, is that something that is inportant to you in a relationship. There are lots of examples here of people with opposing views still getting on well other because those views are shared with respect. For me it’s about attitude, would I want to live with someone who shouted me down and did not value my perspective, even if they thought I was wrong? I don’t think so.

I know a few men like this. They're actually pretty nice but deep down terrified of the world. All are heavy cannabis smokers.

People often look to find meaning in different places after a traumatic event or tragedy, so it's possible that's what's happened after his health scare and the death of a family member; but now it seems it's spiralled out of control.

I think if the views aren't extreme/dangerous and you generally agree in other areas and get along well, then having different views to a partner isn't necessarily a deal breaker. I've had a friend for over 20years who has very different political views to me, but he never tries to convince me he's right - we just both enjoy the debate! He is able to calmly articulate his views, which are based on personal experience. He listens to my views; then we move on to something else.

In your situation, the problem for me would be that your DH doesn't appear to be capable of reasoned debate and clearly doesn't respect your difference of opinion. I also don't have much respect for anyone who thinks discoveries are made in stone and never change (e.g. the earth is flat). This goes for people with modern views of science as well - what we know now may change in the future based on our ability to discover more. I think I would try to discuss with him why he thinks it's important to explore these different beliefs right now, so you can gauge whether it is in response to trauma. It does sound like he may need some help.

People in a relationship can hold very different views, but it's the manner in which they are expressed and a willingness to discuss these views rationally without judgment that is important, and even to accept that you may be wrong. I've noticed conspiracy theorists can be irrational and just won't entertain any other logic that might disprove their views.

I'm a Christian and now hold to a literal 6 day creation, but I am not going to shout down others who don't believe it, I'm only too happy to talk about it and consider other viewpoints as I didn't arrive at that view overnight. I don't support other conspiracy theories such as no moon landing or the flat earth. Even if I did I wouldn't want to get into arguments with my other half about it or let it ruin my relationship. Those are my beliefs, I respect others have come to their own conclusions to arrive at what they believe in.

A healthy relationship has room for different views, but not when one person dips into a sort of extremism where they shout you down!

If you could tolerate religious beliefs then why don’t you try and get him into a church to talk to a priest or vicar. Maybe he’s realising that our life is more than just TV, holidays, work, bed, mindless chatter. He’s obviously looking for some deeper meaning. As a Christian I can say my beliefs are logical, I don’t reject science, i think that the bible is backed up by archeology and historical evidence. There’s more evidence for Jesus than Julius Cesar. It sounds likes he’s been watching too many random YouTube videos. It’s easy to get sucked down the black hole due to the way the algorithm works.

The bottom line is that his sort of beliefs lead to bigotry. I would part company with a man.like thus.

This isn't so much about his having weird views, it's about him having become radicalised so that he is now obsessed with them and wants to do stuff like go on the marches (where he will meet other radicalised people and become more radicalised).

I would be planning to leave, sorry ;/ Deradicalising someone is difficult but maybe it will help him to realise what he has to lose.

My usually rational cousin started going on about conspiracy theories. It turned out he had a brain tumour.

Re the UK being full, it really concerns me that people (previous posters) see "vast swathes of uninhabited countryside".
This isn't potential building plots, this is where we grow food. As a country we no longer produce enough food to feed our population.
Yet the government think it's fine to tax farmers to extinction.

This might be of use https://www.bps.org.uk/research-digest/how-should-you-talk-loved-one-who-believes-conspiracy-theories

I think it's probably the preaching aspect that is pulling you down. If he's doing that, he is basically saying he doesn't respect your opinions and, I suspect, thinks you're a stupid sheeple.

As you say, it's the difference between living with a religious person and respecting difference of faith and living with a religious fanatic. It sounds like he's basically trying to convert you and unlike say a Jehovah's witness you can't just not open the door to him. I couldn't live with that.

Firstly I would be concerned about his mental health.

Secondly, if it’s not psychosis then no, I couldn’t be with someone who had such opposing views. His beliefs will affect your dc even if they don’t yet. What happens when dc go to daddy for help with their geography homework.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone so fucking thick.

I find it hard to believe he’s not saying this in front of the kids. If he knows not to that would imply he knows his views are dangerous and wrong, and people who fall down the rabbit hole do not recognise it’s bonkers.

Either you know people will say you need to protect your children if you admit that or he does it when you’re not around

I think its belief in things that are obviously false - I'm a physics teacher, have a degree in physics, but am still a Christian, do I believe in creation as it is written in the bible though, nope. I can't rule out a greater power scientifically, but I can offer proof it didn't happen in the timeframes or way suggested by the good book.

Your DH believes the earth is flat, that is concerning because its easy proved to be incorrect, photographs from space, the fact that things vanish over the horizon as you move away from them, gravitational force meaning every planet is a sphere, not just us.

There are elements of the moon landing conspiracy that are compelling as presented in conspiracy shows, but there were so many people involved in the project that faking it, and keeping the secret decades later would be impossible.

The illuminati did most certainly exist, but not as a cult dedicated to world domination, more a boys club for artists, philosophers and scientists of its day - and there is no evidence of its continued existence, not a shred.

Most of the people presenting these theories are slightly edgy, mad individuals, by no means in the mainstream, that tells you all you need to know.

I'd be concerned about your husbands ability to fall down these rabbit holes and that he is easily conned.

I have a family member doing exactly this! Listens to pod casts all the time and getting worried. When I ask her why she is listening to them she says it’s because we all need to know what’s hapiening

@Alicealig, do you seriously believe he could be right about the flat earth? Why?

Does he have friends? Does he get involved in any team or community activities? It seems that the less invested people are in the world immediately around them, the more they try to find this sense of purpose and belonging through the internet and unfortunately the online community of choice for your husband has been with the conspiracy theorists.