Husband has got extreme views

My DM has fallen into a similar rabbit hole. She will expound nonsense as irrefutable fact, and if I ask her for the source, wil say 'the internet' and look at me as if I am wilfully thick. She lost her (standard organised) religious belief some tears ago, and was flailing round with mysticism and wellness so I think she was primed for some kind of organising influence. Covid was damaging, as well as lack of social input - too much time on the internet.

She isn't stupid, she isn't male, she is not depressed and she was never right-wing although I think she has become a bit MAHA-adjacent. Sometimes she says thinks that I think are emminently sensible. I think that one size doesn't fit all. I wonder how much of this reaching for madness is a way to control anxiety about the world, lack of her control, her place in it...

My dad (a scientist with an analytic mind) puts up with her - he is still deeply in love and emotionally and practically dependent on her. I and DSib roll our eyes, try gentle challenge when we can be bothered and make it clear that we don't agree. But it does affect my relationship with her- I am less keen to see her, especially in settings where alcohol might be involved since this disinhibits too much. I do occasionally say 'i'm just not going to talk about this' and physically leave. I do wonder where the ultimate limits of my tolerance are. I don't have to live with her so this is easier, and most of the time I am able to pretend it isn't an issue.

I try and encourage her social life as I do think the Real World is the best antidote. In a way I wish it was a 'normal' religious belief which would provide structure and community and some boundaries, which this freewheeling crazy collection of 'facts'.

All this to say, I'm sorry OP. It must be really hard to live with. If you think that anxiety/a sense of personal unimportance/mortality/lack of control/loneliness may be underpinning this, can you help with these? Foster real world connections and esteem? Can you put in boundaries to protect yourself 'I hear what you are saying, I don't agree, unless you have overwhelming evidence I will never agree, can we agree not to talk about it?' Just as the drive to conspiracies is not simple and universal, the solutions probably aren't either. My great sympathies.

something as minor and undramatic as this

I totally disagree with this, and it's not just like a nice weekly visit to church to sing some hymns and listen to a sermon. It's more like being in a cult and the more you only see/read/listen to the same stuff the more.entrenched you get.

he won't listen to your reasonable opposing views Or have a friendly debate and will get worse without some serious intervention.

and it will eventually affect your. Children because he won't be able to stop himself talking about this stuff in front of them

I agree with this. His belief that the earth is flat is a litmus test for all the rest of it.

I would have zero respect for someone who actually believed this. I would never be able to feel romantic feelings for them, if I had children, I would not be able to trust this person's critical thinking around the DC or around any major life decisions and because there are kids in the mix, it's a massive no from me.

@UnsureDifferences if you wouldn't have married him with these differences and to be fair, his beliefs are extreme and likely to become more so, then get advice, get knowledge and start divorce proceedings because this is no life for you, it will affect the kids and it will escalate.

Imagine you are out with people your respect and he starts up with this utter claptrap. I would die of embarrassment.

At least if you set up home separate from him, when the kids come back from his, spouting this hogwash, you can shut it down immediately. That way they will have one home (with a globe) where sanity reigns. Stay with him and it looks like tacit agreement and you will have a far harder time correcting these delusional thoughts in your DC.

This.
He sounds mentally unwell.
There's nothing wrong with having differing opinions, but if he's "too far gone" and obsessed with extremism I'm not sure exactly how you reach them.
Protect yourself and your morals as well.

I’m sorry op I couldn’t be with someone like this, and I do not feel it is the same as having a religious faith, and to be honest, I’d be side eying you also in the fact you think it might be, however I suspect you’re scrabbling for a way to justify it.

the reason I’d leave is id think he was stunningly stupid and have no respect for him , and there is no way to have a loving relationship with someone I have no respect for and feel is an idiot.

however ending a marriage is hard, and I suspect you will stay, and find a way to justify it to yourself. And that’s ok.

It's this for me. It would depend if the views made me a) lose respect for his intelligence and rationality and b) made me lose respect for his morals. May not be a deal breaker otherwise. Trauma and transition periods are windows where someone may have a cognitive opening for these things, to help them try and make sense of a world that feels out of control, or channel some anxiety or anger. I would start by trying to bolster his resilience and contentment in life and see what impact that has on these topics of interest

Re my earlier post, he is also one of the "send them all back" believers. He is an immigrant himself, married to another immigrant. Rational thought no longer applies.

This is what I was going to say. This isn’t just about beliefs it’s more about values, your values are very different. That would be a dealbreaker for me.

Have you said that to him? Why does it matter if it’s fake or not ? Who cares ?

how does it make a difference in his day to day life? Has he not seen the curve of the horizon when he flies?

if the world is flat I assume he thinks there is no solar system ? Is the sun flat too? Or the moon and sun are globes that what? Orbit a flat surface?

Dh's adult son is like this. Luckily he lives far far away and we never see him, and probably never will again.

I couldn't put up with that bullshit!

I'm not sure your analogy of two different religions works either. Because I actually think the equivalent would be an atheist and a devout, religious believer. And you sound like me - atheist and absolutely wouldn't date someone deeply religious. However, I think two faiths could get along - they both believe in God, just in different ways

I have many friends who believe in different gods or have different spiritual views to me. None of them call me brainwashed or ridiculous or believe in conspiracy theories, there are completely different things

Hi OP this has happened to my sibling so not quite the same as my DH but I can relate. Very similar story here. Started with conspiracy theories, moved into anti-vax/covid is a hoax ground and now has moved into pro-Trump, anti-Muslim, anti-anyone not white ground. Absolutely terrifying. Sibling recently ended up having an unprovoked screaming rant about hating Muslim people at my parent’s house (my parent is very liberal, open minded and has lived all over the world and absolutely does not share these views). Parent asked sibling to leave as they were acting in an unpredictable and aggressive way. That was a few months ago and they have not spoken. Similar incidents happened in the lead up to this event eg calling up my parent, parent maybe saying ‘oh let me just switch off the news so we can chat’ and then sibling ranting and raving about how they were probably watching pro-Biden news and how they’re stupid etc etc. My parent is also immunosuppressed so gets an annual flu jab. Sibling became abusive towards them about this too.

Sorry for this long post. Not sure what my exact point is other than unfortunately your DH will get more extreme and could possibly turn on you for not sharing his views. I’m not sure how I could have a relationship with someone like this. Is he unhappy with his lot? That’s usually the type of person that falls prey to this stuff. I’m really sorry OP this will be a difficult thing to navigate and I wish you all the luck.

Would you be comfortable dating a religious person who wanted to go on marches related to their beliefs and accused you of being ‘brainwashed’ for not believing, rather than having a reasonable discussion?

Having different views to your partner in a relationship isn’t necessarilly an issue, but having a partner who believes they’re right and you’re wrong and isn’t open to any discussion/ debate around views. I have had a relationship and many friendships with religious people but in all cases they were up for a discussion, happy to talk about questions I raised about their faith, raised their own respectful questions about being atheist and were happy to accept my views without labelling them ‘wrong.’

I think the issue here is not that your DH has different views to you but that he is displaying black and white thinking and is unable to consider that his views might not be right. I think anybody who starts to believe things without proof 100% and won’t be open minded in discussions is problematic, regardless of what the belief is. I’d also worry it’s only going to get worse as he gets older and falls deeper down the rabbit hole.

I think the belief matters as some just make you doubt their intelligence and sanity. My friend told me about her new boyfriend and how he was sharing posts about how everyone who had the Covid vaccine is now dead. I immediately thought this guy is an idiot as you don’t need many brain cells to work out that can’t be true.

The actions from a belief are important too. If he was going to volunteer in a homeless shelter because he’d become a Christian that’s more admirable than the actions that’d come from thinking civil war is coming or some other belief that’d cause anxiety and negative behaviour.

I know someone who's husband is into conspiracy theories.
He's as boring as fuck. People avoid them as a couple because he insists on shoving his opinion down their throats.
He's becoming bombastic and arrogant and a real ahole

Religion is very complex because it gives people a purpose and generally speaking is about loving the neighbour etc. I don’t think I could be married to someone who was super religious because our views would just be too different. An example would be someone that knocks on people’s doors to preach etc.

Your DH is on a dangerous path, I’d be very frank with him. “You are turning into a conspiracy theorist and I can’t cope. You tell me I’m brainwashed. I’d like you to do some counselling for 6 months, if your views remain after speaking to a professional then fine but at least I’ve tried”

If he didn’t snap out of it, it would be a break up for me :( but bear in mind a break up may trigger him even more so be careful to document all this in terms of court access etc. he might not hide it from the kids forever.

This is a sensible view. Whilst 99% is nonsense, its also wise to be skeptical of 'official' information.

In answer to this part specifically, I think it’s down to how he goes about expressing his beliefs to you. If he was religious and believed the Bible creation story, then that’s one thing. If he spent all day every day obsessing about it and laughing scornfully at how stupid you are because you don’t understand the truth that is revealed in the Bible creation story, then I think you’d get pretty fed up pretty fast.

If he wants you to respect his views, he needs to respect yours, but from what you say he just wants to shut you down when he insists on wittering on about his superior knowledge.

I have no advice I’m afraid, but maybe that’s some perspective on the comparison to religion?

Ask DH outright if he believes that the World is flat.
Ask him outright if he likes his multicultural friends
Ask him outright if all Brits deserve the same rights.

Surely he doesn't believe some of the refutable banter that extreme right groups espouse.
He possibly needs to find the words to describe his own actual beliefs. Discussion with you can only help.

I agree, if DH does believe in flat Earths and conspiracies he could have mental health issues.

Terrible news - Trump and Reform are not actually that right wing, and given their popular support, are starting to appear positively centrist.

Most of the people I know who prescribe a religion are both pragmatic about some of the literal truth of bible stories etc, and accept that others have views and beliefs different to them.

the anti immigration stuff would be a deal breaker for me; I agree that immigration and the system / process is an issue which needs thorough overhaul but I’ve seen some of these marches up close and the majority of attendees are scumbags, aggressive men who think Tommy Robinson is a god.

How many people believed that humans could change sex (sometimes several times a day) a few short years ago? And would viciously attack and ostracised anyone who dared utter anything to the contrary?

Flat earth seems more plausible in comparison!

I'd have been out the door a long time ago! Couldn't be doing with all that religious baloney 👍