AIBU to not fight for custody

@Franklekirk 11 is so young to decide. It used to be 15 when I got divorced. Even then, my next partner, having let child choose, found the child later felt deep down that he let them go because he didn’t want them. I think in your DS’s case it should have been discussed and decided long before now (and perhaps DS could have spent summer there rather than a couple of ‘disney dad’ weeks), not after you have bought uniform and it is all sorted. It is so difficult when you try to do the right thing and not bad mouth the other parent, but when your child is mature enough you can be truthful without being rude and unkind. I don’t know what to suggest but can’t see how they can get him in another school this late, unless they planned it in secret.

Can you afford to pay maintenance? I think you can contest new school application.

Would you really like your son to live with a horrible , manipulative man like his dad , I think you need to protect him . No formal court agreement is in place so let dad take you to court if he really wants too.Does his dad want you to pay maintenance if he lives with him full time . Give it another year and review the situation if possible .

I'd fight because you've said his dad is a narcissist and his partner not particularly nice.
Just why would you knowingly subject your son to this? You have to act in the best interests of your child. The non custody agreement works both ways. It doesn't give him anymore rights than you to your son so don't bend over to make it easy for him.
Maybe in his eyes it's about winning. In your eyes its about your son. If you think that emotionally he will be better off with you then of course you must fight for him to stay with you. You're the mature adult in this situation. Football tickets aren't important to a child's development. That was an underhand move by his dad.
My friend let her son go at the same age. She chose never to badmouth her ex although he always said awful things to her dc about her.
Years later as an adult the dc said he thought the ex was a narcissist. Yes he saw through him but at what cost? She hardly sees him now.

Sounds like a reverse, surely?

and also why is the mum seen as default parent? He has as many rights as me

Neither of you has any rights. Your son has rights.

I suspect you are exhausted by this constant war of attrition your ex plays with you. I'm sorry. It must be hard. And it must be tempting to say to your son "yes that's fine go and live with your dad" but remember he is only 11. His father is not good in your opinion. He is entering secondary. This is when the ramp to grown up life is made.

Do you really want him - a boy - to be under the total influence of his dad for those years?

Do you trust your ex to guide him through secondary school in a good way day to day?

Do you think your son will be taught to think of his mother as a "fucking fat pig" (I do think this is what will happen).

I suspect your son had a number done on him the past couple of weeks - probably a lot of "your mum is a fucking fat pig and only wants you so she can get money from me/my son" and "I miss you so much and I can't be happy unless you live here with me"

Your son is 11 - so young. He needs you now more than ever. Yeah if you don't have a custody order your ex can keep him - but you don't have to lie down and take it or hand him over with a bow on top.

with regard to your son, I would just emphasise that he is going to secondary with his pals - all together. Won't that be great. Would be very hard to be the new kid in a secondary where you know no one (and it would!)

I can guarantee he’ll be asking to come back home after a few weeks if ex is as you say he is. I’d fight for him. As a matter of interest do you have other children or new partner?

Did you post this the other day from a different point of view?

Wow. I actually can’t believe how passive you are being. I would be worried sick. I wouldn’t give a shit about “equal rights”. But you do you. Good luck 👍🏻

Whatever you do your narcissistic ex will turn it against you. If you fight, he’ll manipulate it. If you don’t fight, he’ll tell your son you don’t care. You won’t win.
your son is being sold a life he wants (football season ticket). You’re not going to “win”.

I would fight for him rather than run the risk of him turning out like them. They sound extremely manipulative and like they don't have his best interests at heart at all. It's like they just want to use him to get to you or feel like they've won something.

Also, your ex and his wife sound like the type of people to say things like, "See, your mum didn't even bother fighting for you." to turn your son even further against you and make it look like you don't care about him.

I agree with this. There’s no way I’d be passive and allowing an 11 year old to be coerced into making decisions. Listen to people who know you personally. From what you’ve said I’d be fighting to ensure my child was safe, which he clearly isn’t with a narcissist. You’re the parent OP, parent him and stop being a pushover.

I would also allow son to go to the open days at dads local schools this autumn term with a view to maybe going in year 8, go with him too, this shows you’re listening and taking the request seriously but also ensures your son is making an informed choice. It might be an incredible school with amazing facilities and worth considering, it might also be a scary dump that makes your son drop the idea! But at the moment he doesn’t know where he’s applying to and he needs to be reminded of that

Sorry just seen son is with you, thank goodness.
so now my advice is to say to son, ‘that’s a big decision and not one to rush just because of year 7 start date, it’s possible to move in year 8 or 9 or mid year if you really want to but let’s not rush. Let’s start and we’ll also start talking to your dad through mediation about this’

rhat your ex has involved your son so much in financial chat is highly inappropriate too and he needs to be told this and told to stop

Sorry, you’d be mad to let him go. He is ELEVEN years old. No way near emotionally mature enough to understand what he’s doing. You’ll let him be exposed to your ex husbands narcissism and abusive ways-sounds like he’ll try and turn him against you. As his mother, it’s your job to make decisions for him which are in his best interests.
Over my dead body would he go.

Hi there,
absolutely not. You haven’t even seen your son in person to discuss this. He maybe being guilt tripped into agreeing how can you just let him go.
say whatever you can do your ex to get him home, eg ‘I’ll consider this proposal, I’d like to talk to son about this, can you drive him down this weekend and I’ll discuss with him then?’ Or you might even need to drive there and just show up and say you want to take son out for lunch to have a chat about it all. Get him back into your ‘possession’ so the status quo doesn’t become hmm ‘living’ at dads. Your son maybe too scared of upsetting his dad and risking being cut off or stone walled by him to risk upsetting him by saying no. You can’t let that happen to him.

then say to ex ‘I’m open to giving careful consideration to your views but neither of us can make a unilateral deduction to chance his school as we both have parental responsibility, the proper way to go about this is to try to agree among ourselves, then go to mediation if we can’t agree. Please can you explain why you think it’s in his best interest to move home and community and lose his friends and his stable home here and change school so suddenly?’
let you ex put his points in writing.
then write m to your LA and the intended secondary explaining the situation and saying you don’t consent for his place to be withdrawn. Then contact the secondary school admissions in the council where dad lives and explain the situation, that your son has a school place and that you don’t consent to an application being made.

when you son is home, really really listen to him and what he wants and what he’s worried about. Does he just want to please his dad? Is it about the football? Is there a scary bully going to your secondary school that he wants to escape? Do you have a new boyfriend that he hates? Listen listen to find out what’s going on for him.

Aim for changing schools at half term after he has had mediation. He can always come back home to you at a later snug I think it’s also important he learns he can’t change everything around in a week jyst because he’s made a decision

Your ex and his MIL sound horrible and manipulative. They are bribing your son and lying to him. Once they've "won" will they be quite as nice as they are being to him now? It sounds like they want to get back at you.

Fight for him, because you don't want him to turn out like them.

I think it is good for your son to know you fought to keep him, that you wanted him, and that is why I would fight, whatever the outcome, for the long term importance and your future relationship with him

I think you and your sons Dad need to meet without him present to discuss what's best.

He gets a say, of course, but he shouldn’t get to make such an enormous decision in such a short space of time.

I think he would actually want you to fight for him. Sounds like manipulative ex is playing some sort of game and DS is getting stuck in the middle of it. What happens when his education is disrupted in a years time when ex gets over the novelty of having DS with him and wants whatever new shiny thing he is currently in to and your son gets cast aside and his schooling disrupted. I’m not saying he shouldn’t go with his dad but at least show that you want him.

It’s not fair on him to let him make such a big decision so abruptly. Keep the conversation going with him, his wishes are considered but grown ups make the decisions.
play for time, do meditation etc and yes, apply for custody

Sounds like youre being a great mum, ive no doubt this is hard for you. Hes very lucky