AIBU to not fight for custody

What are the cousins like - what ages - you can’t guarantee a good relationship with them

Please take responsibility for making a decision. Don’t put your child in a horrible situation and absolve yourself of responsibility by saying it is his choice

I've been the child in this scenario and it really, really messed me up. It was a much too big decision. I would rather one of my parents let me be angry with them for whatever decision they made, because I obviously would have gotten over it. Instead I was eaten alive with guilt for 'choosing'.

You need to stall. Get the mediator, start him at his secondary school, say you can revisit the topic after christmas. Then see what's what.

You are willing to let your DS move in with a manipulative narcissist? If his dad was a decent person I'd say it's up to DS really but he isn't a decent person.
My gut feeling is if you let him go your ex will tell DS you don't care and ruin your relationship with him. I think you need to fight this. You know your ex, you can't really think he's a good father figure.

I think she’s tired of fighting and her fear of the fight is greater than her concerns for her child at this point.

Your posts sound emotionless. You grew and birthed this boy and raised him for 11 years and now you’re not bothered if he lives 2 hours from you? I don’t think you’re a genuine poster.

It’s not about being the default parent in this situation though is it. It’s about the fact that she is a parent - that fact doesn’t change - and the other parent is manipulative and cruel. It’s about protecting her child.

We would advise the same to a father if the emotionally unstable mum of his child, who lived 2 hours away, unilaterally wanted to change the current arrangements in an extreme way during the summer holidays.

She needs to fight not because she is the default parent but because she is a parent, and a parent needs to fight to protect their child’s childhood and future. The only innocent party in all this is her son.

This is a good idea.

I'd also point out that there is more to parenting and more to being a family than having lots of money and buying your child whatever they want.

"DS, the money that your dad has to pay me isn't pocket money. It is to help me with the costs of raising you. Because you are here all the time and I am the one who has to pay for things like the food you eat, your phone, your school uniform and your activities. I also have to spend a lot of money each month paying for this house so that you and I have somewhere safe and comfortable to live. None of that is cheap, and it is much more difficult for me to pay for it all on my own than it would be if your dad and I were still together. So no, I can't afford to just give you that money. There's nothing to stop your dad choosing to give you more pocket money if he wants to though. Being a parent is about love, and about making sure your child's physical and emotional needs are met before anything else. I might not be able to afford for you to have a football season ticket, but I love you, I know how to care for you and look after you, and I will always fight for you. If you go to live with your dad full time, you might have more expensive stuff, but that doesn't mean you will necessarily be happier."

You apply for an emergency court hearing so he can explain in front of a judge why he unilaterally decided to change his son's place of residence and secondary school without even discussing it with you.

This.

I’d probably also let him go at 11. Only issue I guess is how easy (or not) will it be to get another secondary place if it doesn’t work out? His dad sounds awful, but at 11 even if it went to court his wishes would heavily be considered and his dad might be a prick, but doesn’t mean he won’t care for his child. I guess only you know that from his visits there. Assume he will come to you every other weekend and half holidays? Just be aware that as kids get older, they often want to reduce time with NRP for friends. You could end up going a while without seeing him.

Hmm... At his age, I did choose to live with my Dad...

He was offering what was to me, the fairytale life - countryside, ponies etc etc.

I knew what life with my Mum was like and ... it wasn't great, so the carrot being dangled was bloody fantastic.

The reality was, he could not parent two ND children, one Dx, one not, whilst building a house, having done next to zero solo parenting for 12 years.

I spent most of that summer parenting him.

I started school, it was fking awful, none of the promises were true, he moved the goal posts constantly. Within three months I was back with my Mum because i figured that at least I'd be separated from my younger sister and that would make life easier (and it did).

I do think you have to let him have some input - but not right this second, no.

To make a decision, he needs more facts - he does not have those, and yet thinks he does.

So I think you need to give him some facts, show him, without outright telling him his Dad is full of shit, why you make the choices you do - ie, here's our finances, this is what living in the house with food and bills and mortgage costs each month. Here's what comes in. Where do you think you'd find the money for a season ticket from - would you choose to go without the internet? TV? Phone? Car?

Just counter some of the promises or stupid suggestions his Dad has made with facts, let him come to the conclusion that perhaps his Dad doesn't always speak sense or truth.

I'd also have some conversations about how life on holiday can seem fantastic, but real, full time life in that same place might not be. The grass is not always greener etc. It can certainly seem much more appealing to stay in the nice holiday place where theres loads of fun and his Dad is nice to him... vs attending a new school without any extra nice holiday 'icing on the cake'.

It's really not as simple as have custody confirmed with a court order - I don't recommend OP applies to court unless she absolutely has to because he won't return him or allow him to start at the school he is due to start at. You don't just apply to court and get a court order rubber stamped. It's an incredibly long, stressful and potentially expensive process that often leads to very different outcomes to the ones you wanted.

If he doesn't return him you can apply to court for a court order to return him. He's only 11! It's not in his interest for him to just simply up and move to his father without any discussion or planning! And surely you'd be expecting to see him even if his dad didn't return him on time? He lives with you until you both agree otherwise.

I’d seek mediation and I’d also seek a route to get the parental alienation documented. Why have you avoided a custody arrangement previously?

As PP say, your son will at least get a clear sign you fought for him. You can do this in a way that makes clear he has a voice but he’s old enough now to know that it’s a bit more complicated than a few fun weeks in the school holidays… make clear that this process is about ensuring the best possible care and future for him.

It’s a bit telling too that you’re stuck with an expensive mortgage. Sounds like ex and his mum literally want to leave you with nothing. That would also make me come out swinging.

The fact is that dad is assuming the local school has spaces. This may not be the case and you won't be able to find out until school starts. Even then it will be a process.
I take it he was excited to start his new school. I think you play this tactically - 'ok son. Well you need to start school as planned. - once you start i can call the other school to see if there is a place. If so we can arrange for you to go on a visit - we can sort a Friday or Mondau and dad can either collect you early or drop you home.' This buys you some time and gives him time to settle back with you and get back in with his mates here.
You might find his perspective changes.

Why would you willingly let your young son live with a narcissistic bully?

I had a similar situation and I let him choose, and I now wish I had fought for him. I didn't want to put him through it, but we have grown less and less close over the years now, and I wish I could turn back the clock. Equally, as a PP said, he could have then ended up resenting me.

You need to fight. Don't worry about not having a custody arrangement. The courts don't uphold a lot of these family court issues anyway. I broke our custody arrangement off my own back, when my ex started pushing boundaries showing our 6 year old kid 15s movies and smoking drugs during visits, which I had no proof, only my kids word and them waking up with nightmares. I couldn't let the visits continue. I was never pulled up on it in court. It was up to my ex to challenge it through the courts. He never did

Because although he is 11 he is still a child and doesn’t see the full picture.
It may really impact your relationship further down the line after he realises that things with his dad are not a bed of roses after all
Have a really honest conversation with your son explaining that you want him to stay with you and that if he decides that he wants that you will do all you can to make it happen

I don’t like it because it devalues women into the caring and sacrificing role.

Statistically women do tend to be the default parent whether you like it or not.

Do you think part of this could be nerves about starting at high school? I agree with the previous poster about giving it until Christmas and then he can decide.

Because his dad is a narcissistic bully (your words).