AIBU to not fight for custody

I really feel for you, and for your son. I would talk to your son about the appropriate process- mediation, applying tk school and actually looking around it, a timeline. That moving and starting a new school shouldn't be a snap decision in 2 weeks with a 2 hour away Move.
I'd also organise a catch up with his friends at his current school, make him realise what he will miss by showing him the life he has with you.
You are right dad can keep him, but he can't start him at a new school without your agreement... and he hasn't even spoken to you yet!
I agree that son has a say to some extent, but remember he is 11 and given your description has been manipulated by dad... develop those tools to follow his gut when not with dad. He's just spent two weeks in that environment with certain messages being forced on him, give him time to decompress at yours and get back to normal. He might start doubting the very exciting proposition that has been sold.to him.
So sorry you are in this stressful situation.

The OP doesn't own the child, he's not HER kid. 🙄

I agree on most of this but it has to be done incredibly carefully. The ex h will turn it around to mums manipulating you, she's a liar, in an instant. And men like that are incredible convincing to young children !

I'm your son in this situation, its sounds unbelievably similar. I am 32 now with 2 kids. My mum fought, but even in the case of phone recordings showing clear emotional abuse (ive now heard them) the court ruled in my father's favour because I was old enough, at eleven , to make that decision apparently. I was being emotionally manipulated and went on to have a really hard time with emotional and physical abuse (im not saying this will happen in your case, I dont know the man). But, guess which parent I'm in contact with now? Which one has a relationship with my kids, while the other parent doesn't even know hes a grandad... in the long run, your son will see what's what. I know that doesn't help right now, of course, but id strongly recommend fighting. Don't lower yourself to bad mouthing, or nasty tactics. It will all come out in time, and it means the world to me that my mum fought to the point of having to sell the house, losing her savings etc. It made me feel like I was loved, wanted, and could return when I needed to. Every situation is different, I know but I just could read and leave given how similar the situations are. Even the age! If you want to dm happy to chat x

Because his Father is abusive

@Franklekirk your DS is old enough to have the home truths spelled out. I know lots of MNs would disagree but I think your son needs to have the facts.
1 Tell him exactly why you and his dad are no longer together. Don’t sugar coat it. Be very clear. Make sure he knows that his father’s behaviour was the reason you are no longer married.
2 Tell him that the comments from his father and his gran are unacceptable, untrue and unfair. Be explicit about which comments and how they are incorrect.
3 Explain that he is no longer a baby and you can’t and shouldn’t hide these facts from him.
4 tell him that often his father behaves very badly and whilst this doesn’t make him a bad person, it doesn’t make him a good dad or a good influence
5 tell your son that if he moves to his dad’s, you will need to sell up and move - so he won’t be able to return to his childhood home (I’m assuming you’d have to in order to pay maintenance, I’m not suggesting you lie if this isn’t the case)
6 tell your son the reality of going to a secondary school where you don’t have any friends (a couple of girl cousins will not get him through) - he may get lonely for quite a while. His friends where you are will not wait around for him to come back and will eventually drift away.
7 Remind him that part of growing up is seeing the bigger picture. Right now he’s lucky enough to see both his parents regularly, with a stable familiar base and fun times with his dad. If he disrupts that balance by moving in with dad, there is no guarantee how things will be. Be very clear that you fear his father/gran will try to alienate him from you and that he would suffer by losing you.

@Franklekirk for the good of your son and because you are the responsible parent, you must tell your son this is not going to happen right now. That he is not old enough to make such a decision unilaterally. He has no idea how the world works and it isn’t practical immediately. I would also take legal advice and get some formal agreement in place. If ultimately your son does move in with his father for the majority of his week, you will need to have a formal agreement to ensure you get visitation. Do not allow this to happen unless and until you have this in place.

@Franklekirk usual judgemental stuff on here. You are in a really tricky situation but your views are measured and rational. Hopefully the mediation will help your son to see the bigger picture, but probably with an 11 year old he would need to find out whether the grass is actually greener on the other side by living it. Up to now he and you exH have only done the nice/easy stuff. I suspect both will be less enthusiastic once the daily grind/ real life kick in (not to mention teenage hormones). I think you’re right to play the long game. You can’t sort out school in such a short time, so that is the ‘holding’ position for your son. You will also need to put a proper contact agreement in place for you (presumably what dad has now? - in which case maintenance shouldn’t be huge) and your son will need to agree to that, maybe via the mediation. So perhaps (assuming his wishes stay the same once he’s started at your local school) you could agree he could transfer in January and try it all out? Family court is a horrible process and I wouldn’t be convinced it would be helpful. At 11 your son’s views would have a lot of sway unless there is evidenced abuse or parental alienation. Good luck with it all.

Your ex sounds like mine and I anticipate a similar situation to happen for my DC in the future. Fight for your son- he’s 11 and hasn’t got the ability to think his decision through rationally. And if shit hits the fan and the ex gets custody anyway, your son will know you tried to fight his corner.

I think I’d see a solicitor asap just to figure out whether it would even be possible to prevent this and how that would look. Then you’ll have all the info. Maybe even if you don’t fight to keep him you could go to court to at least get a schedule of when you’ll see ds in place.

it may also be worth ringing or emailing the school and trying to find out how long they’d keep his place if he starts somewhere else, whether they are oversubscribed etc. they must have seen similar situations before.

Its so hard to say whether his dad would be able to keep up a reasonable pretence and keep your DS happy or if he’d be back within a couple of months. Would ex get fed up with looking after him, providing emotional support etc? What’s your gut feeling?

any chance of you moving closer and agreeing 50/50? Is ex doing this so he can stop paying maintenance or to generally get at you?

I think I’d be saying to DS that your feelings are it’s too big a move to change home and school in one go. Suggest he starts a year at the agreed school where he has done his induction days etc and made friends. If he still feels this way in a year, you’ll facilitate him moving to his dad’s. Say he could spend most holidays with dad in the meantime? I’d basically just be super nice to DS and point out all the advantages of being with you.

I’m so sorry this is happening. It sounds like a nightmare to work out the right path.

I have no personal experience but could you talk to his dad, perhaps with a mediator, and get a written agreement that your son goes to live with his dad but has agreed time with you. Then you can be the Disney mum. You might later need to take it to court.

I agree with contacting both the new and current school to state you don’t consent to withdrawal: schools must have consent from both parents. This is a major decision and shouldn’t be rushed.

Right now, Dad only sees his son every other weekend and in holidays - he gets the fun, not the day-to-day responsibilities. Has he really considered the impact on his social life, energy, and mental load? Parenting involves childcare, schoolwork, clubs, medical appointments, and even meal planning. His life would change completely.

I’d suggest mediation between the two of you before putting your son through the same. A middle ground might be Dad increasing his contact and involvement gradually. Seeing his son every weekend (potentially one in your town, one in his?), as well as taking on real responsibilities for a year before making big changes. That would also reduce his CM payments, which, given he’s discussed money with an 11-year-old, may be the real motivation here.

This is a completely unrealistic proposal, I'm sorry to say. Just not going to happen.

It is worth fighting for him op, because you are very much giving up. You are his mother, he will know he is loved and valued regardless of where he ends up.

That doesn't make any sense. You're not lifting a finger to get him to stay.

Of course you have to fight for custody. Otherwise they will use it tell your son you didn’t want him and wasn’t bothered and that will stay with your son for a long time if not forever. Please don’t let your son think that you didn’t at least try to fight to keep him.

At 11 years old you can waste all the money in the world on solicitors and court orders. You will not be able to bend the will of that child.
You’d be wasting your time And money

I was in the son's situation at this age.
Giving up is the worst thing you could do.
You need to explain all these things to him calmly. What you've written here. Not in an argumentative way, just an authentic and straightforward way.
Otherwise he is being brainwashed by one parent with no alternative. He'll think it's true.

This is what happened to me - one side filling my head with all this stuff and the other not speaking about it openly at all. So of course I believed the side who was speaking to me, treating me 'like an adult,' and telling me 'the truth.' I ended up living with the first parent and it was awful.

Once I made it clear I didn’t want him to live with his dad he kept him there anyway and started cutting me off. At the first court hearing,(2 in total) his dad badmouthed me, and did his best to make me look mentally unstable. I stuck to the facts and put all my points forward about why my son needed to continue living with me. His father was verbally abusive at times like your ex is, which I mentioned and I brought up the fact I felt I was being alienated from my son.

CAFCASS recommended he was brought home to me. Long story short, I got residency until he’s 16 and it states he’s unable to remove him from school. Hopefully you wouldn’t have to resort to these measures if you decided you wanted your son to stay with you. X

I think you need to apply for mediation and then COA spelling out how much contact, travel arrangements etc. Else you may never see your son again.

Does he already have his own phone so you could have regularly FaceTime calls etc?

You need legal advice and fast

I think you need to say to your son the truth that you respect his views but that any change needs to be made through official legal channels now particularly with a change of school so he needs to start school now with his friends and take it from there

necause you need to make sure you still get contact so start an application now

I haven't read all posts but would advise - seek urgent legal advice. Parents cannot change child's school without consent of both parents. You can get urgent court order preventing this and asking for an order stating he lives with you in the interim while everything is sorted out by court/Cafcass over the next few months. You have the status quo on your side. Your son in my view should never have been told where he lives is up to him - it should be the parents who decide what is best, it is too much pressure for a child to think they are in charge (and he will want to please his dad but he has no idea what is best for him aged 11).

I haven't read all posts but would advise - seek urgent legal advice. Parents cannot change child's school without consent of either parent. You can get urgent court order preventing this and asking for an order stating he lives with you in the interim while everything is sorted out by court/Cafcass over the next few months. You have the status quo on your side. Your son in my view should never have been told where he lives is up to him - it should be the parents who decide what is best, it is too much pressure for a child to think they are in charge (and he will want to please his dad but he has no idea what is best for him aged 11).

Was your dad a decent human being though? I doubt he told you that your mum was a 'fat fucking pig'. He doesn't sounds as though he has his son's best interests at heart but it's all about him 'winning' and punishing OP. If he had investigated the schools near him and spoken to OP about it like a reasonable person so they could make a joint decision, that would be different. He's just issued an ultimatum a week before the schools go back.

At 11 your son's opinion/views will be taken into consideration, but it doesn't mean it's a given a Judge would just simply say yes to your son moving with his Dad. Your ex would need to have a very good case for why your son should move in with him. A 'because he wants too', won't be a good enough reason in my view. A Judge is there to decide what is in your son's best interest. Currently your son lives with you, has regular contact with his Dad, presumably has friends close by, and has a school placement for September. To me, they are all very good and valid reasons as to why your son should stay with you. If your son turns around to a mediator or to CAFCASS and says 'your maintenance will be paying for a football season ticket', then it will tell them all they need to know!! I think you need to do what's best for your son, and that's staying with you, so yes you need to fight for him. You ex can't simply change your son's school without your agreement either. You both have Parental Responsibility, but both have to agree on education/health etc.

School and mundane life will kick in and he will want to come back when he realises his dad isn’t fun anymore and his mum did more for him.