AIBU to not fight for custody

And you just accept this?! Why?! Why are you taking your son there knowing he might not come back?! Why are you so complacent about losing your son to your abusive ex and his family?!

I was in a similar situation and did absolutely everything in my power to ensure my ex doesn't take my child from me. She now has little contact with her dad, but it would have been the other way around had I allowed it.

Please keep him with you. He’s your son. He needs you and you need him. He’s only 11.

100% this. My son would often agree to things his dad said while there, but then tell me at home he didn't like it.

I'd also add in the long term implications. What kind of adult do you want him to be? Like you, or his dad? If he's living with him, he'll be like him. Does he have a phone? Can you call him?

There would be no way at all I'd be letting my son live with his dad. Fight it.

I think you need legal advice, and also ring some helplines eg Rights for Women. Women’s Aid is a good place to start as they’ll have info about the right kind services in your area.

You sound exhausted and completely drained by your exs behaviour. Completely understandable but don’t let it overwhelm you, get some support.

I don’t think you’re right about this. You do have the right to apply for custody, your son is still a child. At his age his views would be taken into account by family court but he wouldn’t get the final say. The court would consider his best interests.

Dont lie down and take this. I know how it feels when it seems like the ex is holding all the cards but he isn’t.

I think a major change such as starting secondary is not the time to be changing residency and potentially loosing a mother, and 11 is too young to be making this decision, and that in years to come he may well interpret you allowing this without resistance as apathy towards him. For these reasons I would say no, but also talk to him about it in these terms and say that if he’s still wanting to move, you can work towards it, maybe during the next summer holidays.

you may not be able to enforce this, but he will see you trying, which is a big deal in itself. You don’t have to compete with or denigrate his father, you can present it as not wanting to overwhelm him with sudden unplanned massive changes.

Sounds auful let him go, I did my son at 16 showed dad's family's true colours and he now has nothing to do with them all so eventually I "" won""
Soon stopped spending money on extras when they realised what was paying me covered Jack shit!
If still in education be warned they may take you for maintenance,
Rent a room out if you get desp, you can be the good guy take him out for tea once a week tables will soon turn I promise you

And his father . . .

It will be a very disruptive start as a minimum. Starting secondary school is a big deal, and he hasn’t even seen the new school his father is suggesting, and may not have a place. I wouldn’t be risking his education. Most children form friendships in the first week too. Why hasn’t his father considered any of this?!

I think reframe from the idea of fighting to actually this needs a framework it needs a proper set of rules and someone neutral to oversee it so it is kept.

Yiu aren’t fighting it you are setting out a clear structure

This.

You make it clear that you won't stop him if that's what he wants, but that this cannot be done straight away for purely practical reasons. This will give you time to deal with the matter sensibly, and not be bounced into a new situation which cannot easily be reversed.

I think not putting up a fight would be a big mistake.

Your son is old enough in law to make these decisions but the fact that a season ticket has come into the discussions shows he is not mature enough.

He needs to speak to a qualified professional about this, not in the presence of you or his dad. Someone who can help him see that telling lies about one parent to the other is manipulative. Does he still see the counsellor? Could you have a word? Also have you ever had anyone independent involved e.g. social services if he is making allegations about you? It might be useful to 'prove' to your son that you're officially a good parent if there is a third party professional involved. Lastly can you speak to social services or anyone about parental alienation as that's a real risk if he lives there full time. As it's a couple of hours away do you think your son would really want to come to yours at weekends away from new friends etc?

Do you think your ex genuinely wants your son there? Or does he just want to reduce maintenance payments? In which case you could come to an arrangement? Or just wants to 'win' to punish you?

How will your son feel about only seeing you every other weekend?

Because there are 2 parents.

we don’t have spare finances (I do work full time in a well paid job but have a very expensive mortgage im tied into which is another story of ex….).

How are you tied into the mortgage? No chance of moving it?

This is a good post. You need to get a mediator involved...I guess the court. Explain to your son that you need someone impartial to look at what's best. He's been lured by a lovely summer holiday, but reality will be different.

I am also picking up that this child is very afraid to speak to his father, maybe doesn’t feel he can say no? He is very vulnerable to the same abuse op - only worse, as he is a child and is reliant on the adults around him.

My son was much younger when this question came into the equation but some of the principles and considerations apply:

• This is can’t be a trial unless you have the resources to fight to get him back in court (£1000s to 10,000s) if his dad doesn’t want him to move back to you. The courts will also be VERY reluctant to move him if he is settled in school there.
• Simply put, you will lose the resident parent status, therefore the child benefit, universal credits AND will need to pay child maintenance to your ex. If you cannot afford the mortgage after this, your son won’t have a house to come back to if he changes his mind in six months.

I would suggest he stays at home this term as it will be difficult to find him another school at short notice but increase the weekend/holiday contact with his dad. This will allow your son to be closer to his dad and to appreciate his true colours.

I explained to my son that he could go to live with his dad but that it will be very difficult for him to come back if he didn’t like it. This was not my take but the reality of the situation, I could only downsize to a 1 bedroom apartment and given the rental prices I would only be able to afford a small place with 2 bedrooms away from the area where we lived.

Spending more time with his dad was what tipped the balance… once they were out of the honeymoon period, he knew the last thing he wanted was to move to his dad.

He is not a dog agreed. He is however Op’s son, don’t be ridiculous! He is a child and will need his mother for many more years to come.

Sorry, i probably skipped a step there. If the father has approached the local council to say he has a vulnerable child coming to live with him that would otherwise be in danger or homeless etc (lies, of course but its what my father did and now in my career I see this all the time) they will treat it as such. You dont need a court ruling or social services etc, many will take you at face value (probs at part due to under funding)

Why is he vulnerable and needing an emergency placement?
Apologies if I missed something

Huh?

Whatever you decide I very much doubt your son as a school place at his Dads
The LEA handles applications not schools (unless Private) and they won't know where there are spaces just yet.
Its a difficult decision for you but I think you have to let him go and make sure you tell him now and repeatedly that he can come and live with you any time he wants to

Unfortunately if it goes to court his preference and opinion is taken very seriously. Aged around 11, ironically.

Does he have any close friends where you live that are hoing to the same school? Can you arrange a playdate before term starts?

How feasible would it be for you to move to Ex's location if your son does decide to move there?

I really feel for you, your son is not old enough to make decisions in his own best interests, but i agree with that the courts may not agree.

They have emergency placements for vulnerable children. He won't be processed as usual, he'll be in with the fostered children etc.

No chance I would let anyone take my children aged 11 from me, when I know it’s in their best interests for stay with me. 11 yr olds don’t get a say in what school they go to or where they live. What if he asked you to move 2 hours away; you’d presumably say no. So why are you indulging this? You’re quite literally giving him away.

I think you need to get a court order in place. Emergency if needs be.
Keep notes of what your son is disclosuring to you about his dad/grandmother as evidence.
Get SS involved if needed.
Not allow your son to visit father whilst waiting for hearing - every chance he won't be returned in time for start of term.
If your ex wanted your son to live with him, go to a secondary school nearer him, it should have been discussed last year during the application period. Not bounced in you last minute - (no guarantee of a place anyway!)
You do need to fight for your son. Whilst his options can be listened to, at the end of the day, you are the adult. Sometimes you have to make a tough decision because you have more experience of life and need to protect your son. You can see what your ex is up to.