AIBU to not fight for custody

And you are really considering letting him move there? All your answers are in your own posts

I think this is the worry. What makes it so tricky. Whatever happens if the OP is transparently working for the best interests of thr boy you hope that even if a tricky few years he gets older and realises whose behaviour was fairer and genuinely in his interests. There is a risk either way of losing him. :-(

@Franklekirk I’ve not been in your situation but heard on a podcast about this organisation that might be of help. They offer affordable legal advice (with payment plans) as well as tools for navigating various aspects of separation/divorce including child residency. Set up and run by women with lived experience
https://www.separatespace.co.uk/

My parents split when I was 11 and I was given the choice to move with my mum and her new partner or stay at home. My home life wasn't great so I chose to move with my mum however after a few weeks I moved back home, I missed my friends, my house and most importantly my dog. At 11 he is old enough to know what he wants but as others have said let him know he can come home anytime, once the honeymoon period is over you might find he misses his mum and moves back home.

Why is there no custody arrangement ? This needs sorting out I think.
I agree with pps that 11 is too young to decide this alone. He needs to start school and see how he feels in a few months.
I would be very concerned that as your ex is devious and manipulative, he will coerce your son into gradually breaking all contact with you.

Very very nasty

This is what I was wondering. He could be saying he wants to live with his dad just to please him.

I would get an official residency order in place with you as a primary parent.
Get your DS to start at the secondary near you, to buy time, whilst you get things officialised.
Explain to your DS that big decisions like this take time and you want him to live with you.
HG Tudor on you tube gives advice about co parenting with a narcissist.

I wouldn't allow this at this moment. He's just had the summer holidays etc and thinks it will be like this all the time along with the bribery of a season ticket. I also think the family will alienate him from you. There's no way I'd allow that.
You must fight for him now. I like the suggestion of waiting until he's tried his new school. He'll make friends, join clubs etc but if he's adamant then you'll have to let him go with all the legalities sorted out.

You need to go to court and fight for your son. His dad has manipulated him and is doing this to spite you. Do NOT let your son go and live with his dad. You should have already gone to court to deal with ex bad mouthing you to your child, this is abuse.

If you don’t qualify for legal aid and a solicitor is too expensive, you can either represent yourself or get in touch with a Mckenzie friend. They can give you legal advice and come to court with you and are a lot less expensive than a solicitor. Your son’s wishes will be taken in to account but so will many other factors.

I’ve been through the family courts and I can tell you have a very good chance of remaining resident parent under these circumstances.

If your ex fails to return your child it will reflect very, very badly on him in court. Your ex should either have a discussion with you and come to an agreement or make an application to the court for residency. He has NO RIGHT to withhold your child from you and take matters in to his own hands.

Please also call women’s aid, this is abuse and you need proper support and guidance.

I think you are extremely brave actually and I feel sad for you, but quite honestly, I think if your son is hearing this stuff they say about you, then if you say no now, then it will ramp up and be more traumatic for you and also damaging for your son.
I think that what you are doing is damage limitation really, but I think that it would be a good thing to go for a day out or for a meal with him and tell him that you want him to be with you and you are going to miss him so much, and that you understand that he is close to his dad and that's important, and that if he wants to explore living there then thats his decision now, but that he has a home with you too and that you want him to remember that there are two sides to every story, and that a lot of things they say about you are unfair and you hope that he doesn't believe all the stuff they say, because you've always tried to do your best and any mistakes you've made, have always been with love. That you wish it wasn't so far away and that you hope it all works out at his new school and its everything he hopes.

@Franklekirk I might have missed the mention, but has the father actually contacted you and spelled out his plans for your son? Unless he has, I would wait and see. Inform your son that dad hasn't been in contact yet, and that things need to be discussed between the parents first. Don't give in to pressure via the kid, your ex is manipulating you this way.

I agree that going to court would give both sides an agreement to rely upon, but it isn't the end-all, and it's terribly expensive in the UK (been there, done that and paid a new middle-class car for it, due to some special circumstances). We still had problems with dad just keeping the kid after the holidays for a day or two longer, though (kid is in Germany, dad in the UK, so he just booked ticket back at last minute and for a later date than agreed).

My advice would be to say - it's your choice where you live but it's also a big decision. It's not one that should be rushed with just a week of summer holidays left before school.

So yes, if you wish to live with your father you can - but it needs more planning, and we need to transfer your school etc. It would be disruptive to your education to do this now.

You can live with him from July 2026, when we've had time to transfer your school and you can start in 2nd year at your new school.

That's entirely fair, logical, and well thought out and it also gives him some time to think.

Yes technically you can transfer a school at any time but equally there is an year process to follow and I'd be holding the line that, that's the process you'll be following.

It's not about the mother being the default parent it's about what is best for your son.
He is registered in a school near you. He doesn't have a place in the school near his dad's. Contacting the school doesn't guarantee a place. Usually places are allocated via the LA anyway not the school.
Also hei father sounds manipulative and misogynist. Is he a good example for a bit about to enter into adolescence?.
You should definitely fight for your child.

It sounds awful and you have my sympathy.

but he’s 11 and if you go to court they will take his views into account

his dad has the same parental responsibilities that you do

court will expect you to undertake mediation and to try to come to an agreement and if not they will decide on the best interests of your son taking your sons views into account.

I had a very similar situation with a narcissistic ex and his manipulation of eldest child (all focus was on him not the younger two) I fought, we went through the courts but ultimately, even though everyone who had worked with us as a family could see what my ex was doing my son’s wishes (?) were listened to and he now lives with his dad. It was noted by the child psychologist that they didn’t think my son was free to express his true feelings but still the judgement went against me. I have now been blocked by my ex from all contact with my son and I don’t know if I will ever have a relationship with him again. I live in hope that one day he finds his way back to me.
It’s heartbreaking but at 12 I can’t force him to do anything and his dad does make it all incredibly difficult.

I don’t regret fighting as it showed my son I still wanted him and cared. Hopefully he’ll realise that one day.

Do you think his dad actually wants him or do you think he's using him to hurt / punish you?

If i was sure that his dad was using him to get to me and didnt actually want custody if he knew i was ok with him having it then I'd be inclined to say to the dad son really wants to live with you so I think he should.

This post very much reads like you actually deep down want him to go...?

You've received lots of very sensible, level headed advice here. I'd advise you take it, instead of coming back with lots of "yeah-buts".

And yes, mum is seen as the default parent - it's just the way it is. It's a bit of a legal grey area, but judges do lean towards mum in a "him or me" situation, where there's no fault on either side.
That sentence from you is a bit concerning though... Like you want him to go.

First question: Is there actually a place available in that year at that school? If a popular school, chances are all the spaces are allocated already.

If not, that's a good reason to stall, by all means go on waiting list, visit the school. Meanwhile he'll have to go to your secondary where he has a space. He'll then make friends and perhaps the other school will be less interesting.
I would also make the point if he were then to join later in the year/subsequent year that he may find it harder to make friends because friendship groups will already have been built.

I would also ask him, when he bemoans no season ticket, what he thinks child maintenance payments should actually be for and encourage him to look it up online to check.

You sound like you don’t want him back! Poor kid no wonder he wants to live with his dad!

I don't think there's anything you can do. At 11, the court will let him choose where he wants to live. I think all you can do is let him know that he can come home whenever he wants and you'll make it work.

Like hell would I lie down and subject my child to living with an abusive narcissist full time. OP, you seem to think that if you allow your son to move there then his dad will manipulate him less!? He will do it more!!! I would fight tooth and nail. Having extended family around him isn't better than living with a sane parent.

I understand what you're saying, but your choice is between fighting to keep him and him being pissed off because you didn't agree to what he wanted, and letting him go and having your ex and his mother drip poison into his ear 12 days out of every 14 about how you're a terrible mother who can't look after him and didn't even want him. There's a risk that he'll come to believe it and you'll end up not even seeing him every other weekend.

I would sit down with him and have a real heart to heart about why he thinks he wants to go and live with his dad. Is there something else going on, like he doesn't want to go to the secondary school he has a place at? Or is it more that his dad has sold him a Disney-fied version of the kind of life he would have if he lived there full time? It's worth explaining to him that it's great that he has a brilliant time when he's with his dad, but that it would be different if he lived there full time. The novelty would wear off. And maybe his dad is great at doing fun stuff every other weekend or in the holidays, but he wouldn't be so great at making sure he's always got what he needs for school, or helping him with his homework, or supporting him to do different hobbies.

Tell him that you don't want him to leave and go and live with his dad because you love him and would miss him terribly. But because you love him so much you want what is best for him even if it's not what's best for you. It's just that as his mother, i.e. the person who has actually been taking care of him day in day out for the last however many years, you don't believe that going to live with his dad is in his best interests.

Moving two hours away and switching to a new secondary school a week before the start of year 7 is a rash decision. These decisions should be made carefully, taking the time to really think about it properly, not on the spur of the moment. What if he moves to his dad's, then hates living there and hates the new school and misses you and misses his friends, but when he wants to come back there's no longer a place for him at his chosen school? Also, at this late stage he's only going to be able to get a place at a school that isn't oversubscribed. So he might not be able to go to the same school as his cousins anyway, and if he does it's probably because it's not a good school.

My phone keeps posting twice