To think DP shouldn’t have taken the DC out this morning?

Absolutely an outing. Would be for me as an autistic adult who can generally do no more than one outing a day, and would be for my autistic children who are similar.

I don't think you need to change your mindset OP.

I think you both have an understanding of what your DD finds manageable and that is one outing a day.

I agree with others that absolutely you can do everything right one day and DC will still struggle, but that doesn't mean just ignore everything you know about what they can usually manage.

Seems weird that DP didn't think this through.

To be honest it sounds like you had a shite day and you are looking to blame someone else. If the one thing per day is a total deal breaker then you broke it by carrying on with the second thing. But it sounds like you make up the rules as you go so it can all be DPs fault.

Sorry if I've misunderstood, but basically you went to get your nails done, thinking that dp was at home with the kids, expecting to find them calm and ready for what was inevitably going to be a bit of a rollercoaster afternoon, as all of us with autistic children (or any children) know?! Then she was going to a festival in the afternoon. Do you know if the kids were a bit ratty after you left and maybe she thought she'd be doing you a favour going for a walk with them? Then fed them so they wouldn't be hungry and grouchy whilst travelling? Even if they weren't ratty, surely she thought she was making the right choice and didn't plan to make it more difficult for you? If she'd taken them to soft play or something, it would've been asking for trouble, but you can understand that she thought a walk and some food would be OK?
I think that most things with kids, autistic or not, are more than likely to have ups and downs and the fact that you'd been looking forward to it and really wanted the kids to love it made it all the worse.
I really feel for you...it's awful when things go spectacularly wrong and really frustrating when your partner does things differently to how you would, but tbh, your daughter would probably have kicked off at some point anyway (if she's anything like my dc!) as it was an overstimulating afternoon, even if it was brilliant and something she was really looking forward to. I think you should try to focus on the good bits of the day because there's nothing you can really do about it. If your dp disregards your wishes and ignores your dc wellbeing then its a whole different matter and you need to have a serious talk. All the best.

She should be able to trust her partner to do what he said he would do.

And today's prize for spectacularly missing the point goes too....

All thia so you could get your nails done, why couldn't you have done that on a previous day?

How do you 'take the kids ' if you all live in the same house? Not trying to be goady it's just I would take that to mean out of the house because unless they are babies or young toddlers you don't hand them over in the same sense.

I get you were having your nails done but that's not really 'offering to take them' as you were presumably never dragging them along so the default would be they stay with her and she would need to offer anything?

A walk and a bit of food seems quite low key. From your partner's perspective she's probably seen it as a bit of fresh air and a sit down - a good contrast to central London and a chance to burn off a bit of energy before they go on the train.

The logic is reasonable but if it doesn't work for your DD then I see it from your perspective. However it sounds like she was attempting to do a good thing but you need a chat about strategies in future and you need to communicate better as this feels like crossed wires in that you both reasonably could argue the other understood what you meant.

With an autistic child who has an outing later I would definitely not do a busy morning regardless of what DP was doing.

To be honest I probably wouldn't do a long walk with any DC if they were going into London later. A quiet morning relaxing makes far more sense.

This is a known trigger point and while you cannot always avoid them if its going to be to someone else's detriment you probably should

If your the one having to deal with the fallout carry on

It sounds quite bad to me.

If the DP has all information and understands them the same way, it was inconsiderate at the very least.

Or, DP doesn't have the same information/doesn't interpret them the same way, and it was some kind of communication error/oversight.

The biggest issue here is And she’ll be very put out if I say it to her - her general reaction is to be quite defensive if I’m critical of anything.

You both need to find a way to discuss things. Can you try to not formulate it as a criticism, but lesson learned/going forward?

Yes, but would you intentionally decide to force it on a day when the plan is a longer special afternoon activity with just one parent, and the morning is free?

Excellent post 👍

I do empathise massively as the mother of an autistic child.

Mine is only 8 and can be quite rigid. He will want a full day at home following a full day out, not do too much in one day, will bargain to do an hour out of the house then come home etc… It is exhausting trying to organise things and disheartening if we want to do something but know it will ultimately not be enjoyable for anyone.

Generally we do make sure he is comfortable, and after a busy day we make space for him to recharge the following day, but we don’t always ‘pander’ to him.

We sometimes encourage him to give it a try going out, mild bribery, positive reinforcement. In the real world it just isn’t sustainable to always do specifically what you want and we feel it is good to push his boundaries a little sometimes and show him that he can cope with doing a little more.

I’m talking a trip to the supermarket or a walk around the park, quick visit to grandmas house, when he is demanding to stay at home. Sometimes no he can’t stay at home just because the previous day was full on.

I guess what i am trying to say is allowing your child to dictate to only doing one thing in a day forevermore isn’t going to be helpful and sometimes they will have to do more.

That may be the case for a neurotypical person but for someone with autism even very basic tasks can be draining and overstimulating.

Her "I didn't " comment was in response to a pp asking her why she "let" her partner take them. The op didn't say she should decide ..she's asking if her DP should have had the same awareness she does of the impact of her morning outing on the planned afternoon one and was perhaps inconsiderate to do what she did.
OP in the end I think this is a conversation...did your DP just not think it through or does she disagree with your approach of ultra careful optimisation? There's a lot to consider and worth using this as a "learning moment" for your family approach going forward.

Why do you feel you get a greater say in what the dc do than your dp if you are both equal parents because that's how it comes across?

I second that!

I wouldn’t have classed a walk and some breakfast as an outing, to be honest- I’d see that as a normal low level activity, given there is no excitement to it

My ASD DD would find a trip to London exhausting but a walk outside in the fresh air invigorating and restorative. She wouldn't consider these to be two "things," in the same category. I know everyone is different, but are you sure you and DP have the same definition of what one thing a day is, it's possible you are just talking at cross purposes. For example, anyone who has ever owned a dog doesnt consider a walk an event, it's normal, everyday life.

If you are planning to do something that drains her, as you were, maybe that should be done first thing and then she recovers, is there any way to spend the morning that would have worked well, especially if it was something with a big run up/pressure to enjoy it in the pm?

I don't think this is either of your faults completely, you are expecting to find the right formula and there might not be one.

I agree. My DC is autistic, it's not always predictable, although going to an event in Central London would be a good predictor that mine would have a meltdown. It is really tough and really stressful, do you think you could be unfairly directing your anger on your DP. A meltdown was probably likely even without her going out in the morning.

I can't sympathise with both sides. I understand your frustration but also understand your partner wanting to be able to do with them what they choose in their own time when looking after them. Maybe you two should just make it clear with each other what the plan is in the morning? It's nice they offered to take them so you could have your nails done. I do understand your frustration though, it sounds like a stressful afternoon. Maybe just talk about it when you are feeling better?