Husband is obese - AIBU to address this?

OP, you need to address matters re your husband's weight. The situation will only make you more resentful. Please please talk to him.
You could start the conversation by discussing how to address this together??????
I really appreciate how sensitive this is

@primrose81 , I hope you know how lucky you are? Your husband sounds amazing, so many are not. Why does this bother you? Are you worried about his health? That is reasonable and understandable or don’t you fancy him now?
I assume he eats or drinks a bit much? Maybe he’d benefit from WLI?

It sounds like he is a lovely partner and your love for him is very conditional - perhaps you should give him the chance to be with someone who both loves and desires him.

If you really want to stay with him I think you should have therapy to look at your own behaviour - your 'thin' obsession that is impacting your daughters and likely your husband too. And why you had your affair - why did you not end your relationship at that point? Did the other man not offer what you want?

I am obese but pretty healthy. I only started losing weight (a significant amount which I've not had trouble maintaining) after my husband stopped being critical. He has now done a full 180 and finds me really sexy and attractive even though in the past when I was this weight he felt very differently. I now spend more time buying clothes than bingeing. Him being critical made me more secretive about my eating and really took a toll on me. I can't image the impact an affair would have had on me- I don't think I could have slept with him again. Our children are healthy weight, one is super fit because he just loves movement, and neither are obsessed with weight loss thank goodness I think instead of trying to change him you should go to counselling for yourself and work out whether you should be in your marriage.

I’m (was) on the other side of this. I was nearly 24 stone. My DH, who is a normal weight, would occasionally raise that he was worried about my future. Our plan is live somewhere like a smallholding and frankly, I was kidding myself that I’d cope when I found even going upstairs tricky. However, I’d always deny there was an issue. Ultimately, my DH talking about it made zero difference. I needed to make the decision, nobody would have made a difference. When I was in the right headspace, I chose surgery, I’m over 11 stone down.

I suggest you keep on with your healthy meals, gentle chats re the future, you’re worried etc. He won’t do anything until he’s ready and that might be never. Getting on his case will quite likely cause him to dig in his heels.

It’s interesting so little is being said about this, when anorexia presents a far more serious immediate risk to health than obesity.

it’s almost like it’s a values judgement rather than a health one.

I agree
Op also says she lives in an area with a "diet culture" (a what?) and all her friends etc are into exercise and diet.
Move and get less superficial friends would be my advice before you tip your children into a serious ED
Nothing wrong with being worried about your DH's health but I imagine you have lots of money and move in rather rich and thin circles that aren't healthy either physically or mentally for anyone

Wtf how dare you try to make out that obese people are “unkind” for not being able to control their weight? It’s an illness as anyone who knows anything about obesity is aware.

So your whole family has eating disorders @primrose81 ? Your DH is overeating and you and your daughters are suffering from orthorexia/anorexia. Maybe it's time for the whole family to get some therapy?
You having an affair has probably pushed him to overeat even more so you have some responsability for that as well.

Inclined to agree - he’s a partner not a child.

My best friend is the same age as your husband and obese. Thing is he has osteoporosis as a consequence

The best thing you could do for your family is to model healthy attitudes to fitness - ie a balance, not one that drives your DD’s to be anxious.

Your poor husband knows he’s big, and unless he’s an emotional wasteland he knows it bothers you, and that on its own, before even considering the effects of your affair, is enough to provide the mental turmoil that keeps an emotional eater eating.

Maybe the way forwards is to focus on you and, if you genuinely love him, adjust your attitude so it’s not impacting your H and dc, if he’s living in an environment that’s not judgemental and therefore stressful his weight will not feel as big a deal and it may be easier for him to address it.

Don’t tackle him about it, definitely don’t get your dc to do it - that’s emotionally manipulative and also puts responsibility of their dad’s weight on them, which is fucked up however you look at it.

I was fat for 30 years and tried every diet going I just could not or did not have the willpower.
I just lost 5 stone on mounjaro. it absolutely kills your appetite if you are a binger.
If money is not an object why don't you suggest it and tell him you love him whatever but you are terrified of losing him too early.

@Bambamhoohoo Yes, but some health issues can be delayed/staved off if we take care of ourselves. When you love someone, you want them to stay healthy for as long as possible, not develop something nasty like Type 2 diabetes in their 50’s or 60’s, for example.

Well it sounds like he has an eating disorder - overeating as a way to deal with stress I imagine. So just dieting is unlikely to work, he needs some sort of therapeutics intervention as well as the PTs

There’s nothing wrong with talking to him about it, but you need to acknowledge it as an eating disorder than isn’t an easy fix, and don’t go on about it - he does know he’s overweight. Reducing work would probably help, so chip away at that. And whether he wants to tackle the weight or not, encourage him to exercise, it will improve his health regardless. Would he consider a sympathetic PT?

You aren’t attracted to him - is that at all or not much? You can fix him so you have to think about what you do and do not want for your future, it sounds like you both have plenty of money and interests, so if it came to separation you would be fine.

I would turn your attention to your daughters’ anxiety and food issues a bit, that sounds a bit worrying.

I’d tell him how it’s making you feel. Could you involve him in some of your exercise? DH and I go on walks with the DC or out on the bikes and it’s great exercise for us all. DH and I also take part in crossfit classes at the gym on days/evenings when the DC are with the GP’s etc.

My understanding is that the OPs husband won't talk about his weight, won't deal with his weight....won't get or accept help.

Has his weight increased because the OP had an affair? I expect so.

But I'm not talking vanity. I'm talking health. Life and death type of health

Hyperbolic, eh? 🙄😬

Also agree with this.

I have nothing but sympathy for you OP. I say that as someone who's been obese (for most of my life) and suffers from binge eating disorder and as a fellow can-be-a-sharp-judgemental-and-impatient-wife-who's-married-to-a-lovely-kind-man girl.

Has your DH tried all the different GLP1s? If not, it's definitely worth swapping around to see if one works better than another. I know it's become the latest MN cliche, but Mounjaro has quite literally changed my life. Even setting aside the 3 stone weight loss and the fact I'm a size 10-12 at almost 50 (never, ever, thought I'd see that dress size again), the way Mounjaro has reset my relationship with food is just mind-blowing. I'm no longer controlled by food and it's been insanely liberating.

If he has tried all the currently available GLP1s, there's a new one coming out soon that works on 3 different receptors - Ozempic works on one, Mounjaro on two.

But he needs to want it, even with the meds. I have a friend who had easily twice as much weight to lose as me. We started Mounjaro at the same time and I've lost about 25% more than she has - at her weight, she should be out-losing me. Her diet remains shit. Almond croissant and full sugar lucozade for breakfast. Yes, it's better than her previous fully loaded breakfast baguette and full fat latte from the hot food counter but it's still shit.

I focus on protein and loads of it - sounds like that would also help your DH if he struggles more when you cook "too healthy" - chicken curry with half meat, half veg will be so much more filling for him than veg curry. If he likes mushrooms, they're AMAZING in a chicken curry and insanely nutritious too.

Don't give up on him - rather than confronting him about his weight, ask him how you can support him to be as healthy as he can be. Talk about what foods he loves and find ways to make them nutrient and protein dense. There are loads of amazing fitness coaches on SM. My favourites are Sean Casey and Matt West. I also love Tasty Shreds on insta. Tasty Shreds in particular has lots of (tongue in cheek but still helpful) suggestions for putting your other half in a calorie deficit without them knowing it!

🤤

I have no problem with you stuffing your face, go for it.

So why not just pile on the pounds and stuff your face?!

You can see these problems- obesity increases the risk of them- but quite frankly everyone’s body starts to wear out as we age and all sorts of health issues can surface anyway.

Walk away from the marriage?

This is what you said It blows my mind that anyone would “mind” if their partner was obese.

No one understands “hyperbole” quite like @Bambamhoohoo 😆

@Bambamhoohoo I think it’s because as we get into our 50’s, we start to see small health problems creeping in such as higher blood pressure, higher cholesterol, aches and pains, etc. and we get worried.

My DH (52) is overweight and it concerns me. He’s active and pretty good health-wise right now, but I wish he’d lose a few pounds. I can’t make him though. 🤷