Husband is obese - AIBU to address this?

@lotsofpatience not everyone likes the blunt approach....I am always worried about upsetting people...but you speak some important home truths... When you have children, you have responsibilities, your health is not just yours to abuse as you will any more.

That is a reach. The only person with the warped relationship with food and exercise and body size here is the OP. @Mirabai

I think the kindest thing would be to divorce him. In the long term he will be happier if he finds someone who loves him just how he is, who doesn't want to shame or change him, and who will be faithful to him.

Imagine the stress of living on a knife edge, worrying that since your partner is repulsed by your body, when will they seek sex from someone else again. That alone would have me reaching for the maltesers.

His self esteem is probably rock bottom due to your infidelity and your silent daily judging of him. How on earth can he love himself enough to focus on weight loss when you don't love him enough to accept him as he is.

You clearly don't find him attractive any more. Set him free to find someone who does.

And stop lying about being concerned about his health. You need to get some help with your own fitness obsession before you fuck up your girls too.

As others have said, people can lose weight if they really want to, it just requires commitment as well as whatever technique they're using. But it doesn't sound like he wants to do so 'enough' - It's a tricky one... you fell in love with his personality but his bad habit has been exacerbated with age - naturally - more life stresses accumulate which can worsen weight gain. At the end of the day, though, if he really wanted to he could prioritise his health more than he is doing. It's not just about health issues, it's quality of life, if he's getting out of breath etc. I don't think there's much you can do about this. Difficult situation.

Send him my way. He sounds amazing.

What is “slightly overweight” @pizzaHeart ?

So I’ve asked my DH about your problem. I thought that he might be an expert as he is about the same age (a few years older), slightly overweight and has very direct speaking wife (me).
He said that at this age and stage it’s about habits. So you need to think which habits contribute more and what habits can be used for good. He was very sceptical about gym as it would be a bit embarrassing, maybe exercise bike ar home but a bit later.
He also said that writing a letter might be a good idea as in the conversation your DH might feel pressured to do something straight away (which is a unrealistic of course as it’s about small gradual changes). A letter will give him time to think and reflect. Also you will be able to make your message less blunt and more caring.
He has also expressed concern if your DH generally has spare time to care about himself e.g do long walks, have more sleeep etc. it’s often a problem, at least in our case.
Hope it helps a bit.

Agreed.

That’s what someone married to an alcoholic would say.

You’re essentially in a relationship with a man with an addiction/ED who is choosing not to deal with it.

He’s a kind man and you clearly love him. But I think you need to be realistic. This is not about doing a bit more exercise and eating more salad, or a tactful word from you.

What is required is that he makes a decision to tackle his addiction/disordered eating, address his deeply held issues and behaviour patterns to change his eating habits permanently and stick with it.

Now he may be able to do this or he may not. I think you need to accept that he may choose not to deal with it; or he tries to deal with it and fails.

What does either of those options look like to you? Would you be happy just to accept his obesity and have a platonic relationship? That works for some people, would it work for you or indeed him? And if he fails to address it will you decide you need to move on? In which case, what kind of time frame do you need to see changes?

It’s possible that the reality of losing you might be sufficient wake up call to address this, but some addicts choose their substance over their spouse.

I don’t know if OA run a similar thing to AA for partners of addicts - I guess they might - that might be a place to start to get supoort and explore your options?

Life is a bit more nuanced than

A had an affair therefore definitely dislikes partner

it shows fundamental disrespect yes
bit beyond that - many many reasons dependent on each situation and not all will share person A hating their partner

I mean, it sounds like he’s making an active choice to stay big and that’s just not your thing. He may be a nice person, but if a chubby dad bod and being unhealthy by choice doesn’t do it for you, that’s ok. I think if I were you, I’d be wondering what others saw when they saw you out together. Do they think he’s punching? From what you’ve said, you’re slim, fit and healthy and look good for your age. He’s overweight, lazy and old for his years. It’s not fair and not what you’d expect after years together, is it? The affair was likely a reflection of that.

Did you miss the bit where she had an affair or was that an accident just like all those husbands have

She doesn't clearly dislike him, she loves him but doesn't find his body attractive.
Thousands of couples are in this situation but as there is such a negative hurt reaction to mentioning obesity, they can't bring it up without hurting someone they love.

Can you image the response on this thread if a women had posted her DH said he had an affair because her BMI was 33 .

Use your imagination.

I was trying to understand why you stay with your DH when you clearly dislike him As you said you were well off I was wondering if it was a lifestyle that was keeping you with him

He knows the reason you had an affair op - sex because sex life between the pair of you was poor / non existent as a result of his weight.

and yet since then he has continued to pile on the pounds

so either… he’s living in a constant state of worry that you’ll have another affair
or
he wasn’t / isn’t too bothered about you having sex with another man

Have you considered marriage counselling?

What position is ok @EmeraldShamrock000 ?

I try to address the issue with him but he can be quite evasive - he is sensitive and I know it doesn’t make him feel great. I don’t know what to do anymore - it’s starting to feel like a really significant issue for me but I also feel like I’m being really mean because he is so kind.

As you say, OP, it's really starting to bother you - the fact that he is a kind and genial person doesn't alter that fact.

In a way, you're 'sort of' being 'unreasonable' by expecting him to miraculously change - I mean, why weren't you bothered by him being overweight when you met and married? Maybe exploring that may help sort things a little more in your head? On the face of it, I'd say it must be incredibly hard to want to go on a weight loss journey at age 50 when you've been overweight all your life. I've always been a petite size 10 but in the last 5 years I've put on at least a stone and gone up a dress size, I know, not huge but I don't like it and have recently started calorie counting. I'm happy to lose weight slowly but I lose optimism quite quickly but going back to my usual mindful way of eating is not too difficult as that's what I've done most of my life until 2020. I always ate healthy food but never calorie counted which clearly makes a difference! I imagine if you've been big all your life it must seem a hopeless task and difficult to change entrenched habits. My cousin is early 50s, has always been significantly overweight yet the only thing that has prompted them to start to lose weight is a health scare (mini stroke).

Mine too.

I haven't had sex in the missionary position in many years.

Kudos for responding so calmly. I think I went a bit far in my response as I was very much over identifying with him. I do think though that focusing on his weight may not be helpful - the answer needs to come from him and the weight is likely a symptom of something else.

You are right that it's an unfair expectation to love your partner unconditionally. But I do think that staying with someone you don't desire is robbing them if someone who would.

It's an addiction which is an illness, a progressive illness, also a curable illness with addiction therapy, 12 step programs, WLI, one day at a time, reprogramming the brain.

No ones became morbidly abuse overnight. The addiction initially feels good, until the pounds pile on.

All substance addiction recovery takes resilience, dedication every day, while gaining the strength to see the damage and fear of returning to old patterns.

It sounds like you don’t make him very happy, OP.

honestly, having an affair is awful. Your children’s health issues/anxieties etc can’t be blamed on your husband being obese. They could be blamed on picking up on their parents’ unhappiness.

i feel really sorry for your husband. You’ve described him as a kind, loving man, perfect in every way, except for his weight. He’s probably emotionally eating in private because he knows you don’t unconditionally love him.

the kind thing to do would be to recognise this, stop trying to change him, and leave him so he could have a chance of happiness.

he would probably find balance and fitness for himself, once the weight of living in this unhealthy marriage was lifted.