To not want to live to an old age

My DM is in her 80s and, while not running marathons, she enjoys her life of reading, painting, meeting friends for lunch and pottering in her garden. Simple pleasures but very important.

I can assure you that her recent diagnosis of stage 3 cancer is not at all welcome to her and she is not at all ready to shuffle off this mortal coil just yet.

You may well find you feel the same when the time comes.

Half and half! Organised and with luggage portage but independent walking. We used Camino Ways and did the slow walking version. It was amazing.

I'm not saying I won't be healthy. .. I haven't seen a doctor for over a decade. But why just go on and on and on? Better to just drop dead whilst still active, than go into a prolonged decline. If I'm not a taxpayer, then I'm not contributing anything, so it's all a bit pointless. We keep people alive for far too long these days, and death isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person.

I want to do this! Did you go with an organised tour or independent?

What? My sister is 68 and I’m 60. This May we walked 115km of the Camino de Santiago. 70 year olds are often very very healthy. Why do you think you won’t be?

I’m sure you’re right, OP but both my parents and my best friend dealt with the utter torment and Hell of terminal cancer diagnoses in their late 50’s. No retirement for them. Best friend’s parents had to bury their beloved daughter. My parents didn’t get to see their grandchildren start school.

All young, healthy, active, non drinkers. Don’t be fooled into thinking you can keep cancer from finding you.

It’s never easy unless like my darling grandmother you fall asleep with your knitting on your lap in your favourite chair one evening and never wake.

Agreed. I think quality is preferable to quantity. I'm 60 now, so I think it's time for me to kick the bucket sooner rather than later. 70 as the absolute maximum.

I agree. One of the reasons I think we should have the ability to call it quits once we’ve had enough. As long as someone has no dependants I think they should have the ability to say when they’ve had enough.

I think this is a very selfish way to think. Those in good health are privileged so to idly suggest you hope you don’t live to an old age is quite frankly insulting.

I have a life limiting condition. It might be 10 good years or 30- I have no idea. But I do know there is a ticking clock above me. I have two wonderful children who I sincerely hope I’m old enough to see start their own families. I can’t believe any parent would feel differently to be honest.

I always think this when I’m reading the elderly parents threads too x

YANBU. Honestly unless you are blessed with exceptional health I don't massively see the point of going on past mid 80s. For most people your world gets smaller and smaller, you can't plan ahead because you don't know if you'll be well enough to do things and so on. My grandfather enjoyed relatively good health and full mental capacity but honestly once he got to about 89 I thought I didn't want him to have to live like he was living much longer because the scope of his life had shrunk so much. He was fortunate to die after a relatively brief illness in his early 90s.

I see all this stuff about diet and routine for longer lifespan, but honestly I'd rather have a regime that allowed me to live in good health until early 80s and then to pop off quickly!

I have joint problems that will only get worse so I know I will not be able to be a super healthy, super active older person.

I agree with this, while people can't help getting cancer or Parkinson's etc , it pays to keep as fit and healthy as possible. We lost my dad at 90 from a brain tumour but up to diagnosis, he was still playing 18 holes of golf a week.
My mum on the other hand refused a hip replacement years ago and is now very immobile due to the pain. She's miserable.

Superb post

No OP life absolutely doesn't have more stresses, just different ones. I never had to dread the passing of time as my DS approaches 18 and will be sent off to war. He will never work 14 hour days and 6 day weeks doing hard labour. I never had to choose a husband based on his prospects because I had no agency. I never worried about having 12 children because there was no contraceptive. I never had to get up at 5am to light the fire so my children didn't get dressed in sub zero temperatures. All my children survived and I didn't worry about dying during childbirth. I could give a million other examples. Life is so so much better than it was for most. The problem is our generation has a new set of stresses that we do not know how to handle.

The state of the NHS will be having an effect on life expectancy. When it takes a month or more to get a GP appointment, and then many, many more months to see a specialist and have tests, let alone start treatment. There are terrible delays in Scotland in particular, including for cancer. I feel that just living in the UK is a death sentence for some.
I have every confidence that the new legislation on assisted dying will be used to reduce the NHS bill.

So age hasn’t had much to do with your DM being a very difficult woman and your MIL being very focussed on her health issues

MiL was lovely but always had complex health needs. It just seems to have ramped up a bit with age and she’s got obsessive about various things. She was always the one needing care, but as her husband has become frailer she’s getting bored. She’s very angry that he isn’t very exciting, won’t (can’t) take her anywhere, dozes on the sofa.

DM is more complicated. She’s in better health than she’s been for years in many ways, though with failing joints, but her cognitive capacity is diminishing. Everything is stressful.

Both are angry we won’t take them on holiday.

DM was always a difficult character. Now she’s difficult and frail and needing suooort.
MiL was a sweet woman but very querulous and demanding with age.

FiL is a delight bless him, as was my dad when he was alive.

So maybe DH can age to his heart’s content and I’ll make other arrangements 😅

Sorry to hear about parent’s illness but you’re focusing only on the negative side of getting old. I prefer to look at the Chairman of my local breed specific dog walking club. He and his wife are in their very late 80s, they still hold an annual BBQ for us all at their house and are out walking with their dogs all the time. They organise all our monthly walks. Plus he’s also on the local Tennis Club committee. They are living life to the full. Now I know they might be lucky with genes etc, but I prefer to look at them and say that’s what I’m aiming at. Yes something may happen to stop me, so I just try to make the most of life even when it’s not always straightforward. None of us are going to live forever, but mindset can be a big factor on how we age and our health. Plus some people sadly never get the chance to get old.

I’m 60. I’ve been a lone parent for decades.
I go to the gym 4 or 5 times a week, doing heavy weights and HIIT, as well as some boxing. I eat healthily. I’m doing this so that when I’m old(er) I’ll have the strength to get in and out of a chair and bed and to lift things from high shelves and so on. As well as because I bloody enjoy it and feel much better for it.

Well done

These stories of miserable people in their 70s and 80s don't bear relation to my own experiences. I have just seen my own 88 year old mother, who walked the mile from my house to hers. My son and DiL had come over and we all had a lovely afternoon. My dear dad died a few years ago and my mum was absolutely devastated after over 60 years of marriage and of course misses him dreadfully. But she has chosen to keep busy and active, has several close friends who she's known for over 50 years and lots of other friends, as well as her children, grandchildren and greatgrandchildren.

She goes to book groups, WI, gardening club, foreign language conversation groups and walks 2 miles every day. She still lives in the large 5 bed family home and looks after it all herself including all the large garden. She still drives although wouldn't drive on a long journey where she wasn't familiar with the place. She cooks proper meals for herself, loves to entertain and often has friends and family round for lunch or dinner. Her mind is active, she does the cryptic crossword every day.
She believes that staying in her own home, having the responsibility of running it and keeping active and busy keeps her going. She has had heart issues, but was treated and is fine. Her friends of a similar age, many of whom are widowed, are similar. One recently went on holiday abroad, alone for the first time, and had a great time.

So old age certainly doesn't have to be all doom and gloom.