To confront DH over bingeing

You can't diagnose someone with a binge eating disorder, a serious mental health condition, based on them eating chocolate three times a week. That would be like saying someone is anorexic because they missed dinner a few times a week

No, binge eating is eating a lot of food in a short period of time, continuing after you feel full.

Eating family sized chocolate bars in secret is due to minor embarassment.

Eating chocolate while wanting to sort out your own fitness is not uncommon, and it's simply a case of cognitive dissonance. How many people on mumsnet talk about wanting to be healthy while continuing to consume alcohol?

But someone who binge eats two or three chocolate bars a week isn’t just having a little bit of what they fancy… This man will ruin his health if he continues.

I eat chocolate most days

What's a family sized choc bar?

He's an adult. He can eat what he wants, when he wants. You have no right to police him.

Cadburys do 120g bars for example which are about two normal bars together. I don’t think a couple of bars of that over a week is very problematic, a lot of people have a standard chocolate bar a day. Not saying it’s massively healthy but sounds like he has a very good diet otherwise. 500g bars or something then that’s different!

What is a family sized chocolate bar? Are we talking 100g? 200? 400?

How long has it been going on for? You said it's been a bit stressful at home, perhaps he just needs a temporary outlet. You also said about being lethargic and I can get like that too and a chocolate bar really is a quick fix!
If it's not too often, or hasn't been going on for very long I think I would just keep an eye on it as he might be able to wean himself off it. He's hiding it because he's ashamed - maybe he needs some time to work though it himself before approaching it?

What is a family sized chocolate bar? Are we talking 100g? 200? 400?

What size of ‘family bar’ are we talking about? Obscenely large like a comedy chocolate bar or one of those ones that’s basically the size of 2 or 3 normal chocolate bars?

Family sized chocolate bars, in secret, whilst talking about his fitness levels and wanting to sort things out.

That’s called binge eating.

Sorry, a binge eating disorder?

We're talking about someone who eats 2 - 3 chocolate bars a week here.

@Enrichetta But someone who binge eats two or three chocolate bars a week isn’t just having a little bit of what they fancy… This man will ruin his health if he continues.

I think that's a bit extreme. I think two or three bars a week is a completely normal amount for a healthy person.

People who are overweight or who have difficulty controlling what they eat will be eating a lot more than two to three bars a week.

And adult with a binge eating disorder. Not exactly the easiest to have an open discussion with. Addicts always deny. And sometimes they really believe their own denials, as we’ve seen on this thread. I’m just saying; having the proof wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, just in case you need it.

There must be more to this, a grown man can eat a family sized chocolate bar , I could and several times a week. Perhaps he’s not hiding it and he’s just ate it when you haven’t been around and not little wrappers in the bin. I’d just call him a piggy and get on with my day tbh.

I dunno is there a reason he’d hide it from you, does he expect you to be judgemental?

I wouldn’t honestly think much about someone eating a lot of chocolate 2/3 times a week. Maybe just let him know gently you’re aware so he’s comfortable to eat it with you around.

If I were you I’d probably talk about how I could support with the things causing the stressful situations at home rather than eating too much a few times a week. Sounds like he needs support with the root cause rather than the eating which would probably help him to look after himself more.

The issue is an underlying problem where chocolate feels like the answer.

I think all you can do is continue to support him and try and find a way of actively but subtly promoting a healthy lifestyle - and gently raise the issue when you can sense that he is ready to talk about it.

Do you ever exercise and/or play sports together?

If you both eat exactly the same, he's not getting enough calories. Also, what do you mean by a family-sized bar, in grams?

It's not crack cocaine, it's chocolate. It's only about 500 calories per bar. Probably less than someone who decides to have a desert a couple of times a week or gets large Starbucks lattes every morning.

If you don’t mind me saying, you are looking at this in a rather concrete way.

A problem that you will take a hammer and chisel to and get it sorted.

It’s much harder than that- more like herding cats.

I like chocolate but can live without it for weeks at a time. When I want some though, I don't want a few squares of dark chocolate. I want a large bar of fruit and nut all to myself.

Maybe start with a general chat if you think this is MH driven - are you feeling ok, anything getting you down?
Or - both of you sign up to a new healthy eating plan and be clear about what treats you’ll each have over a week etc?

I don’t think there’s a particularly kind way to say - I’ve found choccie wrappers, what’s going on. If you feel that’s a conversation that needs to happen maybe do it when you’re both relaxed, before dinner (not when eating!) and when you’re both not distracted by tv etc.

You sound like you’re very sensitive to DH and I wish you both well

The majority of things you might think of doing it will make it worse. You said he’s highly intelligent. He doesn’t need you to tell him the problem or solution.

He’s hiding the wrapper because he’s ashamed. Anything you do directly will make it worse. DH used to tease me about food- oooh, what have you got?! What are you having? What’s that?!
It just builds the overwhelming anxiety about scarcity, abstinence, denial etc.

The issue here isn’t chocolate.

The issue is an underlying problem where chocolate feels like the answer.

Work with him on managing stress, healthy lifestyle and open communication. Sharing feelings. How to comfort yourself when you are feeling fed up/overtired.

I literally had no one being nice to me when I’d had a hard day. No one who cared if I was upset and comforted me. No one who helped me work off stress. Do all that with him- hopefully it’s reciprocal- and you’ll have a healthier relationship as well as husband.

Hopefully at some point you can let it slip that you know he uses chocolate as a comforter, and that’s ok. Because it is. He shouldn’t need to feel shamed about a strategy that isn’t totally ineffective. In the moment, it works.