Being asked to downplay my ds GCSE results.

I’d respond if asked but wouldn’t mention it otherwise. That would have been my approach with or without the specific request. PS your son has a nice and generous spirited cousin.

So she told everyone her DS was going to do amazingly, with no concern at all about how that could make your DS with SEND feel, but now your DS has done brilliantly without anyone expecting that and her DS has done badly, she doesn't want you to tell anyone?

She's being a selfish cow. Your son deserves to feel everyone is proud and thrilled for him, just as she wanted her son to feel, when sure the positions were reversed. Of course nobody should go on about it around her son - no need for a young man to be made to feel small - but otherwise, this is your DS's moment in the sun and how dare she demand he be shoved in the shade, just to spare her and her son's ego?

She sounds as if she always felt her son was better than yours, and she can't bear for that to be proven untrue. Neither boy is better or worse, in reality, because people are not stratified (least of all on how well or badly they do in their GCSEs...) but on this single occasion your son has done brilliantly and deserves to know how proud everyone is, and to be proud of himself - regardless of how his cousin has done.

His success didn't cause his cousin's failure.

Fine to tell the truth when asked, obviously. Bragging, however, is never OK, nor is being insensitive to kids who might be feeling bad because they didn't get what they needed.

The question you need to ask is, if it had been the other way around. Would she have?

You tell who you want

Absolutely no reason to play that down. It's awful when families try to drag people down who work hard and do well just in case it makes someone feel bad. In time the situation may be reversed, or may have been in the past, with your DN doing well and your DS not so well. It sounds like you're not the type to put it on social media (I mean that as a compliment!) but if someone asks, there's absolutely no reason to downplay the results, or how proud you are. And well done to your DS!

Your son smashed his grades even with special needs as a barrier… shout it from the roof tops just not in front of the upset other child.

You don't owe anyone an explanation. Ignore the killjoys. It hardly sounds like you're a bragger.

I'd tell her to get stuffed - more fool her for bragging how well he was going to do!

Shout it from the roof tops - never make yourself small for someone else

It seems she might be jealous then. I think tact around someone who hasn't done as well is normal but other than that, celebrate your own kid however you like. The fact she told everyone her son was going to smash suggests it's her nose that out of joint, nobody else's, and she wouldn't think twice about celebrating your nephew regardless.

I would always say I'm quite happy with how he or she (depending which child I'm talking about) has done, and not go into details beyond what they need to know, as in, she's got into the college she wants. It's no one's business, except their teacher's. Not that I'm at that stage yet, but I remember a few mums trying to ask what reading level she was at/what group she was in even in Reception, and I always just said she was happy with the group the teacher put her in. When someone asked what writing levels my son had done in Yr2, even though he had them all, I knew others hadn't, so I didn't say anything beyond the teacher felt he was ok and doing as she expected. I've read here about other parents looking in their book bags on play dates, so I dread to think what they'll be like once we get to the next stage. I find it sad the way some parents, like your SIL (?) put pressure and talk about their kids to everyone. It made me so upset when I read about the kids that killed themselves over results, so from an early age I've just told my kids to do their best, and that I won't be discussing their results with anyone but their teachers, because exam results aren't the be all. Not sure if it can just be blamed on social media how things are today, but my parents/my friends' parents didn't talk to other people about our results.

FFS who does she think she is to try and dictate how you should react to your son’s success? Your son deserves the praise so praise him.
And she was foolish to announce her son was going to ‘smash’ his GCSEs. Who does that? Sensible people say something like “Well he’s been revising and we are hoping he does well. As long as he has does his best…”
Also she won’t be standing behind you every time you tell someone your DS has done well. Say what you want.

Has she congratulated your son?

Honestly, @Ohdearwhatnow4 just carry on doing whatever you would have done anyway. Nod and smile and wave at SIL, but don’t stop telling anyone who asks.

as your Ds has had to overcome so much to pull off the results he’s had, of course you’re going to be proud of him. As well you should be!

Oh I would have your dd put it out on social media right now op. The nerve to ask you to minimize his success because her DS didn’t do as well as she expected and predicted and promoted. This is a learning lesson for her…don’t brag ahead of the accomplishment.

celebrate his accomplishments May there be many more but in life celebrate them as they happen because these moments of pure joy often are rare.

She's jealous. Celebrate with freedom.

Hope he and his mates enjoying their camping.

P.s please remind him cooking on a camping stove inside a tent is dangerous, friends daughter nearly died from carbon monoxide due to doing this. Just in case they don't know x

I am sad. I put up a post on Facebook for A levels (not GCSEs as even though he got top grades he revised v last minute).

I just thought it was worth celebrating as he worked his butt off. I hardly ever post while a lot of parents post everything - star of the week even.

That is only 1 smug post in 18 years.

Be proud of your awesome son for doing so well. Don't embarrass him obviously but enjoy his success!

Yanbu

I'd tell ds to be careful not to rub it in his cousins face (obviously i'm sure he wouldn't!) But i would be telling everyone how proud you are of him!

Well done to your ds x

I completely flunked my A levels first time around, over 40 years ago.
sure, it was painful on the day, I was upset. I felt left out of all the things my friends were talking about re going to university

BUT, within 3 years I knew it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Stayed that way till I had kids, but still , even though now retired, believe it taught me such a valuable lesson that my career would never have happened without that failure

it’s what happens next that’s important to the person who failed . Do the parents support to really help them understand why they failed ? In my case I never really understood how my teachers taught. I got a private tutor for my maths…and she was brilliant…she taught me how I thought, built my confidence, gave me conviction there is no such thing as a dumb question.etc

I also saw over the years, many of my cohorts flunk exams one year or other at university. Frankly the earlier they did it the better the outcome overall. It’s those that crash in university final year that have the biggest knock as they can’t put it right academically very easily

Support the young person who has failed ( or not done as well as expected) and tell the mother she is not helping by pretending it never happened and burying her head in sand. She needs to make it safe for her child to discuss and talk about what happened, how to move on positively and have greater understanding of his personal learning style.

so id just disagree and say that you’re not going to keep it secret. You’ll be straight when asked. And that is because it is not the end of world or something she should be ashamed about, or her son. It is a set back, at a suitably young age when it can be fixed, and there is a massive opportunity for a very positive long term outcome

Be loud, be proud but be mindful…..
My DD has always been a superstar at school, but because my friends children of the same age weren’t so academically gifted I always downplayed DD’s achievements so as not to make people feel bad.
That was until my DD asked why I was never proud of her doing well. She had noticed that I downplayed.
She just got 3 A stars and an A at level and I am shouting from the rooftops. I don’t ever want her to think I’m not proud of her ever again

Immediate family you tell the results but everyone else surely you say “he did really well thank you, we’re super proud” and leave it at that. No one outside grandparents care more than that - did he get what he needed? Yes. Okay cool… onwards.