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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a stepparenting and inheritance one

36 replies

ClawsMcGaws · 22/08/2025 23:55

Basic history: unmarried, he has children from first marriage, we have one together.

He has a very significant inheritance coming later in life but currently nothing in the bank. I have paid for our deposit, I have scant savings and a higher salary, but I’ll get slim to no inheritance. SC will inherit from their mother; our child won’t get much from my family but I hope to provide. DP and I own a mortgaged house (90% ownership to me, because he has previously crossed the line with cheating) and currently split bills 50/50. In the past I’ve paid significantly more, he didn’t contribute to maternity leave, etc.

He wants to get married now, split the housing deeds 50/50 and pay proportionate to earnings. I don’t feel that’s protecting myself and my child. AIBU?

OP posts:
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toomuchfaff · 23/08/2025 10:32

ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:43

I don’t believe that’s possible if married.

Show quote history

You can set any property as tenants in common, where you set your ownership as whatever 90% of the deposit represents & 50/50 of the remaining balance.

So a £500k house, with a 100k deposit paid by you - gives you automatic ownership of 20% of the property in any circumstances- if it sells for 750k then you automatically have 20% of that 750k before any remaining equity is split.

Keepingongoing · 23/08/2025 08:38

Agree with @DeathStare that you should definitely get legal advice, both to safeguard your financial position now, and to get full information about your situation if you marry.

I think there was a legal case recently which meant that pre-nups carry much more weight in the event of a split, but they must be drawn up properly.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/08/2025 08:10

Getting married to someone who you don’t like or trust, simply because they provided the sperm, is a terrible decision.
’Breaking a family up’ when it’s not a family/partnership whatsoever is also nonsense.

you seem to have this ideal of a father and a family and you’re just pretending that this guy is it.

DeathStare · 23/08/2025 02:39

I think you really need to get some legal advice, because:

(a) you are unlikely to have any rights to his inheritance even if he gets it and you separate - married or not

(b) I'm assuming you have a formal legal written (by a solicitor) agreement that you get 90% of the house if you split? That could easily be overturned in Court if he can demonstrate that it was written when he was only contributing a small amount but this has now changed and he is contributing 50/50 now. This applies regardless of whether you are married or not.

I don't think your financial position is as safe as you think it is.

Silverbirchleaf · 23/08/2025 02:37

You can’t trust him. For me, that spells the end of the relationship.

What do you mean, ‘it wasn’t physical?’ How do you know? Was he dating someone else?

NewsdeskJC · 23/08/2025 02:35

The inheritance may never arrive. My mum has just moved into care.
The only way I would countenance it if he is handing you cash for your deposit.

CandidRobin · 23/08/2025 02:33

You could have married him before you had a child together if it was that important to you. It seems strange this wasn't something you considered when it seemed important to you.

pikkumyy77 · 23/08/2025 02:29

ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:11

I guess what clouds my judgement is that when he inherits, I’d be significantly better off if we later split. But that seems very mercenary and I am financially capable of taking care of myself.

I’d love to be married but the cheating makes me feel I can’t fully trust him.

Obviously the cheating means you can never trust him. That’s not a feeling but a fact.

Just refuse to narry him until he comes into his inheritance snd agrees to put galf in your hands. He will refuse—which is what you suspect anyway—so you have your answer. What’s yours is his and what's his is his, in his eyes. Don’t be a fool.

AffableApple · 23/08/2025 02:03

You paid all of the deposit and most of the bills at the time of house purchase; he earns way less than you and wants bill paying proportionally to be codified into your arrangement - even though he gave you fuck all for maternity when you were earning fuck all. Which is presumably why you have no savings. (Buy anything for the baby and ever since, has he?) He cheated when you'd just given birth, you seem convinced it wasn't physical but I hope you got yourself checked out anyway. Now he wants to get married? He's really done a number on you. Please leave now.

InterIgnis · 23/08/2025 00:54

ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:45

Family, but the way it’s written in trusts means it’s protected. It’ll be passed on to future generations, including our child. I don’t begrudge that at all but I want to ensure my personal assets go to my child, not him and then split between all of his children.

I think staying unmarried is the best way for me. I’d always wanted to marry but I guess it’s not for me.

Show quote history

Then don’t marry. You would lose, not gain.

owlyboo · 23/08/2025 00:52

@ClawsMcGawsi think you can have legal things drawn up but in the uk they’re not as binding as in say the us. But the legal document is taken into account in divorce.

but honestly being the father of your child isn’t enough. He has to be your person, not just the father of your children. If he cheated whilst you had just given birth I don’t think marriage is a good step

OSTMusTisNT · 23/08/2025 00:51

Stay with him if you want but don't ever marry him.

His inheritance might never materialise anyway or even if it does, he could skip you and leave the lot to the kids leaving you with 50% of the house and forced to sell by the SC's.

Original poster
ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:48

Seasonofthesticks · 23/08/2025 00:47

Why would you “love to be married” to a man who has cheated on you?

Show quote history

Because he’s the father of my child, I guess. This wasn’t how I anticipated things working out when we planned to get pregnant.

OP posts:
Seasonofthesticks · 23/08/2025 00:47

ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:11

I guess what clouds my judgement is that when he inherits, I’d be significantly better off if we later split. But that seems very mercenary and I am financially capable of taking care of myself.

I’d love to be married but the cheating makes me feel I can’t fully trust him.

Why would you “love to be married” to a man who has cheated on you?

Original poster
ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:46

Namenamchange · 23/08/2025 00:35

Where is the inheritance coming from? If coming for family, it could easily get used for care fees.

I don’t even think the step children and inheritance is anything to worry about at the moment, I’d be more concern with handing over 50 % of my home and security to another person.

Edited

Family, but the way it’s written in trusts means it’s protected. It’ll be passed on to future generations, including our child. I don’t begrudge that at all but I want to ensure my personal assets go to my child, not him and then split between all of his children.

I think staying unmarried is the best way for me. I’d always wanted to marry but I guess it’s not for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:45

Namenamchange · 23/08/2025 00:35

Where is the inheritance coming from? If coming for family, it could easily get used for care fees.

I don’t even think the step children and inheritance is anything to worry about at the moment, I’d be more concern with handing over 50 % of my home and security to another person.

Edited

Family, but the way it’s written in trusts means it’s protected. It’ll be passed on to future generations, including our child. I don’t begrudge that at all but I want to ensure my personal assets go to my child, not him and then split between all of his children.

I think staying unmarried is the best way for me. I’d always wanted to marry but I guess it’s not for me.

OP posts:
CrispieCake · 23/08/2025 00:44

I am not a lawyer, but I'm not sure inheritances are necessarily treated as matrimonial assets and split on divorce.

So if you married and then divorced, he might get half the house and any savings from your salary without you being entitled to half the inheritance.

I wouldn't risk it. Better to preserve your financial independence.

Original poster
ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:43

owlyboo · 23/08/2025 00:36

i Wouldn’t give up your assets. If anything have something drank up to protect the deposit you put into the house before going 50/50

I don’t believe that’s possible if married.

OP posts:
owlyboo · 23/08/2025 00:36

i Wouldn’t give up your assets. If anything have something drank up to protect the deposit you put into the house before going 50/50

Namenamchange · 23/08/2025 00:35

Where is the inheritance coming from? If coming for family, it could easily get used for care fees.

I don’t even think the step children and inheritance is anything to worry about at the moment, I’d be more concern with handing over 50 % of my home and security to another person.

Original poster
ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:27

iamnotalemon · 23/08/2025 00:22

sorry, what does you owning 90% and him cheating have anything to do with it, or has he given you a higher percentage as an apology?

We were in the process of buying when it came to light. I paid all of the deposit and at the time was paying the vast majority of all our bills.

At present he pays 50/50 of all the bills including mortgage so he is contributing to my asset. But he’s not paying more than he’d pay to rent an equivalent property with bedrooms for his children.

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 23/08/2025 00:27

You don’t trust him, that says it all so don’t marry him

There is nothing to stop him making a will and leaving some of the inheritance to you/your child as well as his other children

I would not be giving up my 90% ownership of the house unless he coughs up the 40% to you first in hard cash

tsmainsqueeze · 23/08/2025 00:25

ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:11

I guess what clouds my judgement is that when he inherits, I’d be significantly better off if we later split. But that seems very mercenary and I am financially capable of taking care of myself.

I’d love to be married but the cheating makes me feel I can’t fully trust him.

Too right you can't trust him !

Original poster
ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:23

The cheating wasn’t physical and it was when I was postpartum and hormonal. so I feel very conflicted about breaking up our child’s family, and SC’s security, over it. But it has made me feel I can’t trust him hence my deposit is fully protected as is 90% of the house’s equity.

I would like to be married to my child’s father, though.

OP posts:
NImumconfused · 23/08/2025 00:23

Inheritances are not automatically included as part of the marital assets though, so he could potentially exclude that from divorce proceedings.

If your relationship was otherwise really good, I might think differently but if he's already cheated, the odds are not in your favour unfortunately, and you have much more to lose than him if you marry and then divorce (ie 40% of the house he hasn't paid for).

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