Pants under skirt for 4 year old - DH and I disagree

I put shorts on under my 6 year old's dresses. She plays with loads of energy - as she should - and her pants would pretty much always on show otherwise. And possibly more! She sits cross legged at school so for me it's a no brainer. I don't get why it's so weird?

My reasons are not paedophile-related, more just common dignity for my kid. Boys don't have their underwear on show all the time, why should she?

I have a daughter and I have always put shorts under skirts/dresses. If I know she's going to be tumbling around - then its trousers, leggings etc.

Just remembered this recent study too https://www.humanrights.unsw.edu.au/news/shocking-number-australian-men-sexually-attracted-children-and-teens

When I went to primary school in Australia throughout the 80’s, girls were expected to wear bike pants under their school skirt especially for PE. You could get them in the school colours to match your uniform. And we still can get bike pants in school uniform colours today.

It’s not a new thing at all. But it is a new thing to make a big deal of it and insist that it is somehow damaging for girls or it’s somehow sexualising girls to care about their modesty (in the same way that I would protect my son’s modesty) by covering up their underwear.

How is simply making it easier for someone to not show their underwear sexualising them or putting it on them to police sexual predators and perverts? It’s not.

I can tell you right now that no one that I knew (including myself) felt or expressed that they felt sexualised for being expected to wear bike pants. I don’t think it ever occurred to us to link modesty to sex. At a young age we didn’t even know what sex was and that’s the way it should be.

However, there are plenty of children’s clothing for girls that are sexualised. It really became noticeable when I needed to get my daughter shorts for summer and all of them were tiny shorts with no length in the leg part. I had to buy shorts from the boys section just so I could find shorts that were appropriate for an activity at camp where they were wearing a harness and had to protect her legs from chafing (summer in Australia is often too hot for wearing long pants). Why were all the shorts for boys not only more modest than the girls but more practical and durable too?

Your husband is being a normal parent and is not being unreasonable or paranoid. If he noticed men perving or leering at your daughter, good on him. He was doing a good job supervising her. And good on him for handling it by communicating it with you and wanting to make a practical change to protect her. That’s what parents do. That’s what I do as a parent. And even though I am a woman I do have eyes and I have noticed whenever a man or men have looked at children in a predatory, sexual way. It is obvious.

Most people that I have known in real life can recognise it too regardless if they are male or female. To not be aware of something so (unfortunately) common is to not only be naive but either completely oblivious or stubbornly in denial, or very well aware but wanting to gaslight or groom people into trivialising or minimising predatory behaviour.

I think you have to trust him when he says he saw someone or some people looking - why would you doubt this? Unless he has done something in his past you are aware of or has had abuse as part of his past? If my partner said this I'd be confident that they weren't making it up for no reason. We know a lot of men look at porn and the police say they can't possibly arrest all of the peadophilia cases because there are so many and it's growing. It's not a huge secret this is a big issue globally we don't have a handle on.

Paedophiles need to get across the water too. They don't all swim

That’s a nasty leap. He could simply be fearful for his child and over-protective

I didn't say she had taken chances, she said should she see everyone as being a potential danger to her child, im just saying potentially yes so minimise risk/ acsess wherever and how ever you can. Its all hypothetical/ potential isn't it, these "people" dont wear signs and they manipulate to get access, that's why it happens so often.

Sorry that was a question for @BasilandTom

are you also concerned about boys overheating in their shorts at school?

This is really interesting OP because it's been quite topical for me the past couple of weeks (shorts under skirts for little girls that is).

So we started potty training our 2 year old about a couple of weeks ago and I've been putting her in briefs/knickers. She's literally 2 so doesn't care at all about her skirt going up etc. When in her buggy, if she's wearing her dress without tights is can bunch up and pretty much could be very revealing and show her private parts.

So that's the backstory. My mum is a nursery teacher (kids in her class are 3-4 years old) and she took noticed the above and told me two specific things:

• almost all the girls in her nursery wear shorts or boxer type briefs under their skirts and not knickers. I was quite surprised because I am quite conservative myself (and dress according to my religious beliefs which is Muslim) and I didn't think to do that for DD
• she said even though their pupils don't pay attention, they (the adults in the nursery) are very mindful of pupils and their intimate areas during things like nappy changes (it's done out of sight of the other kids).

I didn't really ask her why the above is done but just assumed that's what is best practice. I guess it could be to do with a paedophile issue.

Another thing is that both DH and a male friend independently wanted their daughters to wear shorts/bloomers under their skirts/dresses. I wonder if men know how other men think or something of that ilk.

Depends, if she is bouncing around accidentally showing her underwear it's probably sensible as you never know who is taking photos or videos nowadays.

It's sad though that we need to think about this.

I’m a primary school teacher and I’m always amazed by how many parents put little girls in shorts under a dress, especially in this hot weather. Absolutely make sure your little girl’s knickers are not skimpy but as long as their bits are covered then I absolutely think girls should not feel like they need to police their bodies for adults. We teach in school that anything covered by your underpants is private but if we’re now telling little girls that they need to do extra it’s very unfair and sexualises small girls. There’s nothing wrong with seeing a 4 year old’s knickers and as someone else pointed out, child abusers are interested in children in a sexual way whatever they happen to be wearing. Do what you feel comfortable with but I personally think your husband is being overly paranoid.

I don’t think the husband was being particularly rational I was just pointing out that yes they can be on a ferry.

What are these chances that the OP has taken exactly?

100% when you have a 4 uear old girl, every man- especially that you dont know os a potential threat. The statistics speak for themselves, dont take chances.

Of course not all men are, no one is saying that they all are but some are. I can’t tell who ‘normal’ men are and neither can you.
I didn’t put shorts on my dds when they were small because it didn’t occur to me to do that neither did my dh mention it but maybe I should have.

I am not saying they cant be on a ferry. But do children clamber about on a ferry like they do in a park or at school?

Does one need to put shorts on girls at all times? When walking down the street or in a shopping mall? I am baffled that not putting shorts on girls = not believing in CSA.

Why wouldn’t a paedophile catch a ferry? Or a bus? Or train? Or walk down the street?

do you think they live deep in caves and only come out on full moons or something?

When my dd1 was a baby I saw a young girl in a buggy legs akimbo. Her pants were gaping & she was fully exposed to the world. Her parents didn’t have a clue. She was so exposed & so vulnerable & being wheeled around busy london streets. I can still feel my horror and concern now.

I never had any 2nd thoughts about sticking my kids in shorts if they weren’t wearing leggings or trousers. I found this hugely preferable to being worried or telling her to sit with her legs a certain way.

Yes they can be on a ferry

Absolutely 👍🏽

My daughters are now teens. They are confident happy girls with no hang ups about wearing shorts as a child. My 14 yo rolls her school skirt so short she still wears shorts to this day. She’s not confused or anxious about it.

one of the things I find interesting about parenting is how we can get taken back to our own childhood via our kids & not necessarily in a good way. Like your shame around clothes as a child - it might all have been brought to the surface again by your h’s comments. This can be quite overwhelming or discombobulating- it certainly can be for me.

This has happened to me a lot. It always feels like a shock and it can be quite difficult to navigate.

@RobinEllacotStrike agreed except the greatest risk is a parent who doesn't believe in CSA.

Was your DD clambering around a lot on the ferry?