To be annoyed mum has cancelled sleepover last minute

Anyone who believes 12-year-olds are incapable of being disingenuous obviously never parented a 12-year-old.

Whether the girl has her own phone or not is immaterial. My 11-year-old is going nowhere near a smart phone for some time, but even if I were the brand of parent who thought these unregulated pocket computers were a good idea, my child would still not be staying overnight with someone I hadn't personally vetted or made arrangements with. 12 years old is far too young to be giving them sole responsibility for that kind of risk assessment.

This is straightforward parenting. To do otherwise is simply negligence.

So because your kid has ASC other adults shouldn't parent their kid??

This is central character behaviour, personified

More likely the kid doesn’t want to come or is going to another field house instead and that’s why the message has come from her blaming her mum rather than you getting a message from the mother.

More nonsense!!

Lots of 12 year olds male their own arrangements, doesn't mean they're lying.

Plus, telling porkies. Passive aggressive much?

What a load of nonsense being spouted on this thread.

The aibu was about the actions of the family who cancelled at the time the girl was due over. The girl has her own phone.

As per usual, its turned into a witch hunt of the op, making up scenarios and judging op on said nonsense.

People are so dense.

Yes, letting your daughter down when she was sat waiting for the other girl to arrive was shitty behaviour.

Of course she could've had consequences that didnt involve upsetting someone else.

Quite.

Someone in this story is obviously telling porkies.

Mine aren't this age so maybe I am naive about this but I really can't imagine just sending a 12 year old off without even checking it was ok with the other parent in the first place.

The other parent has done the right thing but she should have phone you and apologised.
Could she invite another friend over ?

I would not require an explantion of others' disciplining practices. Other people's parenting is precisely none of my business.

I would expect full communication between parents and consent to be given for any sleepover beforehand. I also wouldn't countenance allowing my child to sleep over at some kids' house, without having their parents' contact details and minimally a discussion beforehand. An absence of these is lax to say the least and these are not circumstances under which my child would ever be staying with someone overnight. And who knows?, perhaps the other child's mother felt the same way.

Different people clearly have different parenting standards.

If I don’t know the parents well enough to be able to ring them and say “sorry it’s such late notice but we’ve got to cancel, DD is grounded because of (insert serious transgression here)” then there’s no way DD would be staying over there in the first place at 12!
I’ll bet you a tenner this is a plan hatched without parental involvement and as soon as it’s been mentioned at home the other child’s mum has said “no, we’ve already got plans/you’ve got xyz appointment/I’m not letting you sleep over at the home of people I’ve never met” which has become the ‘argument’ she referred to.
It’s a little naive on your part to accept this was happening without checking tbh

I agree.

Next time definitely confirm arrangements with the other parent.
Are you sure the friend isn't making an excuse?

I bet the other mum has no idea her DD was meant to be having a sleepover at yours. It's more likely the other girl has cancelled and made up the excuse of being grounded.

Who on earth lets 12 year olds organise a sleepover with no contact whatsoever from parents to say "is this okay with you" or "do you know about this sleepover"? You don't have to know or be friends with the parents of your child's friends but it is completely normal and sensible to have their numbers to double check plans.

Your mother would let you go and stay with a friend when you were twelve, without confirming it was ok with your friend’s mother and with no means of contacting her?

I’m going to be honest, once my kids started secondary school I left the kids to make arrangements with their mates themselves and I didn’t correspond with the parent’s at all. I’d only meet the parents when I went to drop them off. I knew where they were and the friend they were with. These were school mates so I knew who they were with and they had their phone on them. I would have asked for the parents number just in case but I wasn’t messaging them beforehand. Didn’t occur to me that they were ever making arrangements that hasn’t been checked with the other parent.

Very disappointing for DD.

Her friend made the mistake of arguing with her DM. The DM is tough, her DD knows her well enough to measure the consequences.

I would have let her go, ground her tomorrow.

If I felt it that important to ground my child with immediate effect, changing another family’s plans, I would message/call the other parent to offer my apologies and offer to reimburse them the money they had paid for activities. However, I am also the parent that would want to know where and who my 12 year old was staying with.

If you don’t know the parents, haven’t exchanged details and the details have been negotiated through two 12 year old girls, perhaps the parents have no idea of the lengths you have gone to or your daughters ASC.

I would feel salty but chalk it up to a bad experience. Hope your DD enjoys her new plans

Not at 12 it doesn’t. Do you think people went to prison months after the crime don’t understand?

shes 12. Not 2

No. Her alternative is to find a different consequence that doesn’t effectively punish someone else. 12 is old enough to understand delayed consequences. She’s but like a dog who needs immediate consequences

Something that doesnt involve punishing an innocent person

there are many things the mother could do that doesn’t negatively affect someone else when plans are already in place.

I am suggesting that without the parents both confirming the arrangements it is all pie in the sky. I would not want a child whose parent I had not been in touch with staying over as I wouldn't know it had definitely been agreed.
As I had said several times it's a bank holiday weekend, it's meant to be nice (well at least where I live) so the family may have plans.

I like the post by @CrispySquid who has outlined a number of possibilities.

If @itispersonal had the mum's phone number then this could all have been easily checked and fixed much sooner - at the start week messaging the mum asking if the girl is having dinner before she comes.

I would never have a 12 year old for a sleepover (or even take them out to an activity) without a parent’s contact details. To a)confirm the plans in advance, and b) in case of emergencies.

Where does it say there was no definite arrangement? The girls agreed it between themselves and confirmed it. The OP was expecting the child. Are you suggesting the other child is a liar? I used to arrange all my sleepovers with my mates between the 2 of us and need just ask our mums if it were ok. Our parents didn’t communicate about it- we just agreed and turned up.

I agree. It would be annoying but I would understand. My child would be disappointed but I have powers of speech and can explain to her that her friend is experiencing consequences.

As for a friend cancelling because they 'don't feel like it's, again I have these magical human powers that enable me to understand the nuances of being human and that there's a difference between 'can't be fucked' and 'had a really tough week and can't face company'.

But there was no definite agreement. Only messages between two 12 year old girls. Nothing to properly confirm the girl was allowed to come in the first place. I would not be wanting to pay 'costs' to something that had been agreed to without my permission and without the other parent having any sense to check!