To be annoyed mum has cancelled sleepover last minute

There are a million and one rational reasons why she’s not attending the sleepover before you even take any argument into consideration.

1 - Her mum doesn’t know you or your daughter. Her own daughter has gone “can I stay round X’s house tonight?” and her mums like “eh? Who’s that? I don’t even know them. No you can’t”. She probably doesn’t even envision you’ve spent money and time buying snacks or planning activities because she doesn’t know who you are and thinks this is probably a random last min sleepover thing requiring no effort.

2 - The girl didn’t want to go to the sleepover so made it out like her mum wouldn’t let her (completely normal thing for teens to do as makes them out not to be the bad guy)” or has told mum she doesn’t want to go but doesn’t know what to say as an excuse so mum has said “just tell her I wouldn’t let you go”.

3 - It might have not been last minute and she could have been banned from the sleepover much earlier but hoping her mum would relent so left it to the absolute last minute to let your daughter know she couldn’t come.

4 - Family might already have had or want to have bank holiday plans. They don’t even know you or have your contact details.

5 - The argument or incident leading to the ban could have been substantial enough to be grounded. It could be anything. Bullying, crime, drugs, theft of money, police involved, breaking curfew, lies, violence, repeated insolence or vile behaviour, refusal to to simple chores or tasks conditional of being allowed to attend, calling her mum a c*t. Could be anything! You’re assuming the argument was over something minor so you think this is disproportionate reaction by the other mum. You have no idea. The other mother clearly felt the appropriate punishment was not to be allowed to attend the sleepover. Thats her parenting right.

You might think that there’s no behaviour serious enough to warrant a ban from a sleepover but other parents don’t feel this way. There’s no right or wrong here. They are parenting as they see fit.

We’re not talking here of inconveniencing or hurting people in a significant way such as if the two girls had concert tickets or had arranged a trip together where one person not going would significantly effect the other person or cost them a lot of money. A low-stakes scenario like an attending a sleepover, going to the cinema or meeting your mates in the park to hang out are all perfectly normal activities to be grounded from without a second thought. These are completely non-events. Your daughter will have to (gently) just get over it.

Yeah that’s shitty of her. She should find another way to punish her dd that doesn’t inconvenience or disappoint other people.

She bought snacks. I'm sure they can still be eaten.

But why if the other mother has incurred costs to host and you have cancelled?

But plans weren't definitely made..your daughter is trusting another child who has said they would come. I wouldn't trust that without speaking to a parent. It's like when younger and kids come out of school and say they've been invited to someone's house, unless it comes from a parent I tell them it's not true. Same with parties, unless they have a paper invitation with details or an adult messages me with details I tell them that it might not be happening.

What would you do if the girl just showed up in your doorstep with no mum dropping her off? Would you just assume all is ok? I would be worried about this kind of informal arrangement that the police wouldn't be looking for them assuming they have run off.

I agree I would want a number for the parent especially if sleeping over and I think it is slightly alarming you think it's ok not to have this information. Even at parties I make sure the parent has my number in case they need it.

I certainly wouldn't be paying anything, what nonsense. I would contact if I had their phone number, which I would, but this lady doesn't so couldn't.

I that’s fine - I would hope you would contact the other mother and immediately offer to pay any out of pocket costs

We'll have to agree to disagree, I would not let a child who'd behaved poorly to immediately go to a treat.

I think that is really bad manners on the part of the parent. Have they contacted you to apologise?
Whatever the argument, surely they could have come up with a different sanction that didn't impinge on existing arrangements with other people.

You don’t know why the girl has been disciplined. My friend wasn’t allowed to come when I was waiting for her as she hadn’t done her piano practise!

the fact remains it is the mother cancelling on the other mother and it is the mother to call and explain and apologise not the child. It is a case of not feeling like it but she feels that disciplining her child trumps letting down the other mother who has prepared to host her child. It isn’t like a broken down car as the mother could chose to defer the punishment or punish in a different way

This is tricky. I think the mum probably had no choice but some recognition that she was letting your DD down would have been nice.

She could have phoned, given you a full explanation and apologised, and maybe arranged an alternative date.

It’s tough on your DD but this is something you need to talk through with her. She’s been let down, but not punished.

I think people have been harsh about your not having contact details for the mum but they have a point. You should exchange contact details with anyone looking after your child in case of emergency, their end or yours.

It isn't rude to cancel for a good reason, it's more akin to the car being broken down. No one 'doesnt feel like going' in this case, but it is a big treat and not one that should be given if there has been poor behaviour. Furthermore, if they can't be trusted to behave at home then I definitely wouldn't be sending them to someone else's house. Sometimes plans have to change, that's not down to manners, it's just life.

Bog standard safeguarding.

Not at all. In both situations the feeling of the person being invited are held to be important than the person who was hosting. In both instances the host has prepared for the guest’s arrival and incurred expense to do so. In both cases the invitees has expressed feelings they don’t want to attend without a life of death or medical reason. They are both equally as rude. I don’t care if she is teaching her child a lesson- those feelings don’t trump the rudeness of cancelling on another mother who is waiting to host their daughter.

Then that is a lesson for you too! Always make sure you have contact details for the other child if you are going to be responsible for them .😊

That's very different, I'd be fine with them cancelling for a good reason, which this is. Just not feeling like it is very different to this scenario.

You shouldn't hide your contempt. I prefer to know who is this unhinged so I can avoid them.

Better to help your child learn to deal with disappointment and changing plans than add fuel to the fire of a victim complex.

would people who say it was fine to cancel think it was ok if you had prepared a dinner and gone to the expense and time of doing it and your guest cancelled the the last minute because they don’t feel like it?

Very well put.

No she is teaching her child that bad behaviour is not rewarded, which is a good lesson to teach and to learn.

The OPs child is learning that plans sometimes change because of other people, which is a tough lesson but one that she needs to understand, she has done nothing wrong, but someone’s behaviour, either intentionally or unintentionally can affect other people. At some point in the future her own behaviour or circumstance could make her the catalyst for other people having to change plans.

It’s called life.

All you can do OP is think of a way to counter her disappointment, movie and pizza night?

I would be telling them that they can go to the sleepover because it would be rude to cancel, and then thinking of an appropriate sanction e.g. no phone/tv etc later. At 12 delayed punishment is fine. They are not toddlers.

I think she made the right choice, poor behaviour has consequences, sometimes on other people. Hopefully, the chikd won't repeat the same poor choice and will learn from this.

So many people missing the point. Of course a badly behaved child should have consequences, but to put multiple other people out is ridiculous.

She could have slept over, not disturbed your household’s plans, and lost some other privilege. Space after an argument is a win win anyway!

Sure 👌

It's unfair on your child and it's fine to be annoyed. However it's also fine for the other mother to implement consequences with her own child. Just one of those things I'm afraid.