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AIBU?

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DS doesn't want to come home

216 replies

CuriousVital · 22/08/2025 12:08

I feel awful arm, prepared to be flamed.

I have 4 DC B/G twin just turned 15, 11yo DS and a 5yo DD.

I've had a tough time with my 15yo DS, he's got into the wrong crowd and involved in petty crimes like shoplifting - usually energy drinks from the corner shop. Throwing bricks and was caught on a dash cam, drinking, school refusal. Hadn't been to school since May and school weren't that helpful but tbh his behaviour was terrible when he was there too. He's had sex with a girl in his year and then was quite horrible to her and if she got pregnant he wasn't going anywhere near “it”, thankfully she isn't pregnant it was just a possibility as he didn't use protection. He says misogynistic things toward DD and they used to be close but she hates being around him.

Dad not involved, he was financially abusive and emotionally toward me. I split with my youngest’s dad 2 years ago and he was my older childrens father figure, I think this affected him more than he lets on but ex still sees his twin and my 11yo, he just doesn't want to know.

The summer holidays started and it was a nightmare, he hit his twin, broke my 11yos lego tower (on purpose), they share a room but I've partitioned it so he had no need going near it. He just laughed as he cried and filmed him and said he's going to show his new classmates. Threw my 5yos doll over the fence, which leads to a railway track so couldn't get it back, it was a birthday present that she’d had about a week so she was obviously distraught. I couldn't afford to replace it as money is tight, he has no allowance. He was trouble outside the house too, police brought him home once due to him being antisocial in the middle id town. Stole a younger child's (neighbours child) scooter but swears blind it was his friends not him but the child has said it was him. You get the picture.

My dad owns a farm so I had had enough and sent him there, he's been there for about 3 weeks, celebrated his birthday there and home has been peaceful. My dad has said he's been moody and full of attitude but has helped a bit on the farm. He blames me for everything, said I have the problem not him, I'm useless etc. He's meant to come home Monday but he's refusing. Said he's not coming back, he hates me, his siblings and isn't going to school. I sent him away so why should he come back, he'll run away and stay with his mates if he's forced to come back.

What the hell do I do??

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 22/08/2025 12:30

CuriousVital · 22/08/2025 12:27

It's not possible for him to stay there permanently, we agreed it was only temporary for the summer.

What is your dad's thoughts?

Coffeeishot · 22/08/2025 12:30

Leave him there if your dad is willing to have him for the foreseeable future it might be the making of him, although he might start having Fomo with his mates, but I see no reason to not let him stay, as a pp says a school near the farm.

Meadowfinch · 22/08/2025 12:29

Leave him there. Negotiate that he can stay and help on the farm IF and only IF he goes to school local to the farm.

It means he gets a complete reset of friends and, for some 15yos, they need to be more physically active that modern lifestyle allows.

ChompandaGrazia · 22/08/2025 12:29

Let him stay. Getting away from his friends might do him some good.

CuriousVital · 22/08/2025 12:27

It's not possible for him to stay there permanently, we agreed it was only temporary for the summer.

OP posts:
MounjaroMounjaro · 22/08/2025 12:26

When is he 16?

HollyhockDays · 22/08/2025 12:25

If your dad will have his on the farm let him stay there.

MellowPinkDeer · 22/08/2025 12:18

Leave here there to help out on the farm and enroll him into an online school?

Radiowaawaa · 22/08/2025 12:18

Sounds like a win win for everyone.

Ablondiebutagoody · 22/08/2025 12:18

Leave him working on the farm

MounjaroMounjaro · 22/08/2025 12:17

Would your dad let him stay there?

pikkumyy77 · 22/08/2025 12:17

Leave him there? He is literally self destructing before your eyes at the moment. Any change that offers him space and time to collect himself and some experience of meaningful work (plus father figure grandfather) is going to be the better choice.

Haggisfish3 · 22/08/2025 12:15

I agree. Sometimes I think lads like this want to escape the lad culture they are in but can’t. You have given him an out.

Needmorelego · 22/08/2025 12:13

If your dad is happy leave him there.

Michele09 · 22/08/2025 12:13

I'd let him stay where he is.

AlwaysFreezing · 22/08/2025 12:12

Leave him there? Enroll him in a local to the farm school? Maybe the wholesomeness of the farm life is exactly what he needs! All that fresh air and hard work?

Would your dad be up for it?