DS doesn't want to come home

They’re not at school for an extra year, they’re there for exactly the same length of time.

She said ‘My dad owns a farm’. So it’s the dad’s farm. Tough if someone else doesn’t like him I’m afraid. It’s his farm and he gets to say if he stays there.

Your poor ds.... I also have one that's acting out in a similar manner, except he's 13.

If he really can't stay with your dad, or even if he can, then you really need to look for some help for him.

His school sound awful tbh. My ds's school have given him extra help, made allowances if he's got there late, he was going out for a walk and chat once a week with the therapy dog and owner, pastoral support and they've pointed me in the direction of some help. Have a look for mentoring and counselling, it's definitely out there. It's not instant, but it is there. I'd also think about self-referring to Child Services, they've also been great.

This might sound cruel but refuse to take him and get social services involved. My cousin did this when her son was around this age, lots of what your talking about, the final straw was his misogynistic treatment of his sister, she wouldn’t allow it and he ended up in foster care for just under a year. He regretted it very quickly and have a very good relationship now.

im not saying it is the right fix, but right now you have young children to protect, even his own twin is uncomfortable with him around her, that all types of wrong.

How would you make it happen? Her dad has said he cannot stay there. It doesn't sound like it's her dad's farm, sounds potentially like he is a farm labourer with accommodation and the owner doesn't want OP's son there indefinitely.
How would you make him stay there?

They do. You can join at 16. Worth looking in to it beforehand. Doesn't have to wait till his 16th birthday before looking into it

Does your dad live on the farm? if he can’t work on the farm, can he live with your dad and go to school there?

I’d contact social service if they are not involved already. You clearly need more support. Does he have any SEN?

He's not 16 til next summer but he'll only be starting year 10 this year due to deferring as he's August born. So he has 2 years left at school.

Good to see the other side of deferring the August born. Doesn't necessarily work when they're a violent teen that they have to be at school for an extra year and need a change.

Well if your dad can't have him there it isn't your sons choice whether he stays is it? He sounds like he's a bit too used to ruling the roost at home.
It's fairly black and white, he comes home or he finds another family member to stay with (his dad?) or stays with a friend etc.
He sounds like he's just got a case of 'Billy Big Bollocks' at home and could use a male relative setting him straight and continuing the work your dad has done with him.

OP please don't lose hope-my son went through a very tricky patch but sometimes a change of scene/role models can be so helpful. If he can work on the farm & be busy, useful & feel valued this will help his self esteem so much.

I think you need to find a way for him to stay there. He's happy (or as happy as he's capable of being) and not getting into trouble. Enrol him in a local school or pretend he's being home schooled - he can pick up his education later as it's probably wasted on him now anyway. It sounds like he needs to work and have a male role model. If it was me, I'd make that happen.

The army don't recruit children.

Yup

He's a savage little shit. Nothing justifies throwing a 5yo girls new doll on a railway track. What the hell has she done?!

I so wish I could buy her another one.

A lot of people seem to have missed the bit where you said it was meant to be temporary. I had a similar problem with my eldest and I contacted social services ( this was thirty odd years ago). They got him a place in a hostel which he used as a stick to beat me in later years, but at the time I just couldn't cope with him. I'm not sure what the answer is.If your dad doesn't want him there then he will have to make it clear to your son. I think therapy might be needed, speak to social services or your doctor about this, your son is clearly unhappy and needs to talk about it.

Would the discipline and male role models of joining the army be a good idea?

Is it your dads farm ?

Cross post.

It's not just up to my dad whether he stays, its up to other people working on the farm too and one of them has said they're not comfortable with him there so I don't think it'd work full time.

Who owns the farm? Are these other people your dad's employees?

Yes the opportunity of work/staying in the holidays might be a compromise. You must be exhausted by it all, I know you love him but the house must be peaceful,

I think he desperately needs to stay with your dad tbh. He was abandoned by his father, now his step father has left, he is very upset and is taking all the loss he has had to deal with out on you and his siblings. I think if your dad now says he has to leave it's going to feel like another man who doesn't want him and that is going to further compound everything he is going through. Would he be able to combine working on the farm with starting a new course in college perhaps - maybe agriculture or something?

If your father has said a definite no then I think you've got a big problem on your hands tbh. It's gone way past a time when consequences and punishments are going to help, he's needs a plan for his future and what he might want to do. College courses, the forces, apprenticeships etc. If he's been helping out on the farm then maybe agricultural college might appeal - I'd be really working hard on getting him enthusiastic about his future and feeling like he is going somewhere.

He needs someone proactively fighting for his future after all the abandonment he has had to go through. People really seem to underestimate the impact abandonment and relationship break downs can have on some kids.

I would absolutely BEG my father to keep him there.
Is there no way it is at all possible? What are the reasons?

I edited my last post i mentioned de registering him from school but deleted it, it might be worth looking into he might be able to home school or possibly college once he is 16.

Your dad sounds like an excellent mentor. The fact that you son is helping on the farm and doesn't want to leave is positive and I would view that as a success.

If this were my son, I would reiterate that I love and miss him but that if he is truly happier at the farm, then you are happy, too. I would be sure to visit regularly.

As for school? It doesn't sound as though it's working for him. I would speak to his school obviously as I have no idea of the legalities or options for home education but think you need to change your mindset on all of this completely. Look at Kaleb Cooper. As a young teen he sold fresh farm eggs to pay his mother's bills rather than attend school. There is so much emphasis on educational achievement but it just isn't suitable or interesting to everyone.

If you dad is willing for him to stay, then that is an option to make it permanent.
If dad is not, offer him the choice. Tell him you really love him and want him back but if he is so unhappy that he would prefer to run away than return then you offer to phone social services and ask for him to go into care as that is the other option. This is because you are a responsible parent and need to ensure he is cared for. His choice.
And if he does choose to come home, you need to identify some severe consequences for the type of behaviour he has shown to date. His siblings do not deserve that treatment