Page 7 | DS doesn't want to come home

CuriousVital · 2025-08-22T11:08:59+00:00

I feel awful arm, prepared to be flamed. I have 4 DC B/G twin just turned 15, 11yo DS and a 5yo DD. I've had a tough time with my 15yo DS, he's got into the wrong crowd and involved in petty crimes like shoplifting - usually energy drinks from the corner shop. Throwing bricks and was caught on a dash cam, drinking, school refusal. Hadn't been to school since May and school weren't that helpful but tbh his behaviour was terrible when he was there too. He's had sex with a girl in his year and then was quite horrible to her and if she got pregnant he wasn't going anywhere near “it”, thankfully she isn't pregnant it was just a possibility as he didn't use protection. He says misogynistic things toward DD and they used to be close but she hates being around him. Dad not involved, he was financially abusive and emotionally toward me. I split with my youngest’s dad 2 years ago and he was my older childrens father figure, I think this affected him more than he lets on but ex still sees his twin and my 11yo, he just doesn't want to know. The summer holidays started and it was a nightmare, he hit his twin, broke my 11yos lego tower (on purpose), they share a room but I've partitioned it so he had no need going near it. He just laughed as he cried and filmed him and said he's going to show his new classmates. Threw my 5yos doll over the fence, which leads to a railway track so couldn't get it back, it was a birthday present that she’d had about a week so she was obviously distraught. I couldn't afford to replace it as money is tight, he has no allowance. He was trouble outside the house too, police brought him home once due to him being antisocial in the middle id town. Stole a younger child's (neighbours child) scooter but swears blind it was his friends not him but the child has said it was him. You get the picture. My dad owns a farm so I had had enough and sent him there, he's been there for about 3 weeks, celebrated his birthday there and home has been peaceful. My dad has said he's been moody and full of attitude but has helped a bit on the farm. He blames me for everything, said I have the problem not him, I'm useless etc. He's meant to come home Monday but he's refusing. Said he's not coming back, he hates me, his siblings and isn't going to school. I sent him away so why should he come back, he'll run away and stay with his mates if he's forced to come back. What the hell do I do??

Panola · 22/08/2025 13:57

WildUmberCrow · 22/08/2025 13:39

I stand corrected, but this lad is only just 15 this month and showing a loathing of authority. He'd have to really want it to stand a chance and currently I can't see it's a viable option. And still leaves the problem for his mother of what to do with him for the next year until the September 2026 intake.

I'm torn between hoping his grandfather can be persuaded to take him on and celebrating the grandfather putting a young woman's safeguarding needs first.

Show quote history

I phrased it as a question for the OP. "Would the discipline and male role models of joining the army be a good idea?" A suggestion for her and her son to consider whether it could work for him. I didn't say they must definitely do it.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 22/08/2025 13:57

CuriousVital · 22/08/2025 13:12

It's my dads farm and he lives on it but one of his employees is my younger brothers girlfriend and she accused my son of taking photos of her, my dad went off to do something and had given my son something to do so he wasn't there when this happened but later checked my sons phone and there were no photos he’d taken so he'd either deleted them or it didn't happen but since then she's said she isn't comfortable around him so it isn't possible for him to stay living on the farm as my dad can't always be supervising him and seeing what he's up to.

He doesn't have any SEN, his behaviour has always been challenging but he just finds being told off funny, he just laughs. Consequences wouldn't work, he laughs. If I take his phone or whatever he’d get my 11yo to give him his iPad, let him play on his Nintendo switch etc because he'd threaten him (I obviously didn't know at the time!)

His school isn't the best re his behaviour, they just put him on report, in isolation or detention, there was talk of a managed move before summer but then that went quiet too. He would get up and dressed and leave the house but then not go in, I had to get my younger 2 to school so taking him in wasn't an option.

And yes maybe deferring wasn't a good idea but it felt like it at the time, he wasn't ready for school at all. He was also born at 33 weeks so he started school at the time he would've hadn't he been born early. He would've struggled if id started him a year earlier than I did

He sounds like he does have undiagnosed SEND.

School refusal, oppositional.

aCatCalledFawkes · 22/08/2025 13:55

I would feel relieved he was with my Dad in a rural area and not on the streets.

What does your Dad say in all of this? You haven't said if he is happy or not for him to stay? I get there is the brothers girlfriend issue but that is up to your Dad to set some boundaries there. As much as it pains you that he won't come home this could also help to set him some structure that doesn't involve shoplifting or throwing bricks or underage sex. This was never going to be resolved in a couple of weeks. It sounds like he needs this time. .

Ineedanewsofa · 22/08/2025 13:55

What about alternative provision for some/all of the week for him? The ones I know of are all based around horses however I have heard of farming based alternative providers - council website should give you some info. That way he’s coming home but going into an educational setting that he might be more engaged with, learning skills he can use when he goes to the farm during holidays

Philandbill · 22/08/2025 13:48

Panola · 22/08/2025 12:58

They do. You can join at 16. Worth looking in to it beforehand. Doesn't have to wait till his 16th birthday before looking into it

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Why would the army want to take a child who does not want to be there? I think social services is a possibility but they are overstretched and may not feel this meets threshold unless OP refused to have her son back in her house other DC are at risk. And there is a chronic shortage of foster carers so no guarantee son would be in a family.

Needmorelego · 22/08/2025 13:47

If he is serious about wanting to stay there then you, him and his dad need to sit him down and say he can with strict conditions.
The main one is no taking photos or making anyone feel uncomfortable.
That's the ultimate no. If he does that again then no more farm.
Respect that it's a working farm so no pissing around on/with equipment.
If he has agreed to do certain farm tasks then he must do them as it's a working farm.
If he agrees to that then perhaps he can stay on a trial basis.
Not sure about school. Would he go to the local school?

Sussexswain · 22/08/2025 13:43

WildUmberCrow · 22/08/2025 13:39

I stand corrected, but this lad is only just 15 this month and showing a loathing of authority. He'd have to really want it to stand a chance and currently I can't see it's a viable option. And still leaves the problem for his mother of what to do with him for the next year until the September 2026 intake.

I'm torn between hoping his grandfather can be persuaded to take him on and celebrating the grandfather putting a young woman's safeguarding needs first.

Show quote history

A woman’s safety, job and livelihood have to come first.

I do agree he most likely needs strong male role models. Studies in America have shown the biggest influence to join gangs and other anti social behaviour in boys is not having an active father figure in their life.

Tickledtrout · 22/08/2025 13:43

Deferral or not, he can legally leave school next June.

Can you and your dad sit down with him and come up with a plan to get him to that point.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 22/08/2025 13:42

If he’s not attending school anyway, what difference does it make? He’s clearly happier there and by the sound of it away from the trouble of a bad peer group and around more positive male role models.

WildUmberCrow · 22/08/2025 13:39

Panola · 22/08/2025 12:58

They do. You can join at 16. Worth looking in to it beforehand. Doesn't have to wait till his 16th birthday before looking into it

Show quote history

I stand corrected, but this lad is only just 15 this month and showing a loathing of authority. He'd have to really want it to stand a chance and currently I can't see it's a viable option. And still leaves the problem for his mother of what to do with him for the next year until the September 2026 intake.

I'm torn between hoping his grandfather can be persuaded to take him on and celebrating the grandfather putting a young woman's safeguarding needs first.

OnePinkDeer · 22/08/2025 13:36

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 22/08/2025 13:32

I think your son has adhd.

So everyone who behaves with violence has ADHD.

It's kind of insulting to people with adhd, among other things, to suggest that.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 22/08/2025 13:32

I think your son has adhd.

Sussexswain · 22/08/2025 13:32

I don’t understand the people saying to leave him where he is… the grandparent has said he cannot stay and there has been an incident in which a woman does not feel safe!!

i would be on at the school about the managed move and mention that your son has enjoyed the manual labour. There is a PRU in my area that is a farm which has a lot of success with disengaged children where a normal school environment just doesn’t work. There might be an alternative provision the school could suggest?

Original poster

CuriousVital · 22/08/2025 13:30

The farm is about a 3 hour drive away so can't go at weekends unfortunately. I'm not sure if there's a 14+ college but ill look into it, would it be too late now though for this academic year seeing as it's about 2 weeks away? My youngest’s dad hasn't abandoned him, he still wants to see him it's just DS that refuses.

The plan was my dad brings him back on Monday and we go on a small UK break (myself, DC's and my dad)

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 22/08/2025 13:30

Find a way to have him stay on the farm attend local school

momtoboys · 22/08/2025 13:27

I'd leave him right where he is. This sounds like more than sibling squabbling/fighting. Your other children deserve better.

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 22/08/2025 13:26

Would your dad consider having him on the weekends and holidays if he'd be more civil during the school week, or does he live too far away for that to be doable?

Sussexswain · 22/08/2025 13:26

PringlesTube · 22/08/2025 13:12

Honestly, I’d implore your dad to keep him there for longer. Some hard graft might do him some good, the change of scene and lack of bad influences too. My nephew is older but has been allowed to get away with awful behaviour since a young teen and is now pretty much a lost cause, his parents let him get away with anything. I know it must be hard for you, it sounds like the farm really might be the best place for him.

At the cost of making a woman feel unsafe?

MyDeftDuck · 22/08/2025 13:26

You need to get to the root of his anger…….have the conversation with him, ask him what he wants from life (not saying he will get it) but give him chance to actually have a conversation rather than the destructive behaviour and nasty words.

Octavia64 · 22/08/2025 13:17

it sounds like you might benefit from exploring other options for him beyond the school he is currently at.

if he did enjoy the farm, then some FE colleges or agricultural colleges will take students from 14. Would he be interested in something like that?

he’d do some GCSEs (a reduced number) but get practical experience and qualifications.

Him going to the farm at holidays also sounds good.

it’s a pity that there has been an incident that means your dad doesn’t feel able to keep him around.

AnonymousBleep · 22/08/2025 13:17

GeneticallyModifiedGrump · 22/08/2025 13:00

How would you make it happen? Her dad has said he cannot stay there. It doesn't sound like it's her dad's farm, sounds potentially like he is a farm labourer with accommodation and the owner doesn't want OP's son there indefinitely.
How would you make him stay there?

Show quote history

It might be impossible, true, but I'd definitely be sitting down with my dad and seeing if there was a way to make it happen, whether that's the son living in a caravan (very common with agricultural labourers) or something else.

I'd guess that the son might actually be relieved to get away from the 'wrong crowd', hence the desire to stay on the farm. One of my daughter's BF's brothers got in with the wrong crowd and was killed two weeks ago in a drug-related incident, aged 18. Bringing him back to an environment - that he doesn't even want to be in - that will result in him falling back into old patterns of behaviour just seems like it's asking for trouble.

PringlesTube · 22/08/2025 13:12

Honestly, I’d implore your dad to keep him there for longer. Some hard graft might do him some good, the change of scene and lack of bad influences too. My nephew is older but has been allowed to get away with awful behaviour since a young teen and is now pretty much a lost cause, his parents let him get away with anything. I know it must be hard for you, it sounds like the farm really might be the best place for him.

Original poster

CuriousVital · 22/08/2025 13:12

It's my dads farm and he lives on it but one of his employees is my younger brothers girlfriend and she accused my son of taking photos of her, my dad went off to do something and had given my son something to do so he wasn't there when this happened but later checked my sons phone and there were no photos he’d taken so he'd either deleted them or it didn't happen but since then she's said she isn't comfortable around him so it isn't possible for him to stay living on the farm as my dad can't always be supervising him and seeing what he's up to.

He doesn't have any SEN, his behaviour has always been challenging but he just finds being told off funny, he just laughs. Consequences wouldn't work, he laughs. If I take his phone or whatever he’d get my 11yo to give him his iPad, let him play on his Nintendo switch etc because he'd threaten him (I obviously didn't know at the time!)

His school isn't the best re his behaviour, they just put him on report, in isolation or detention, there was talk of a managed move before summer but then that went quiet too. He would get up and dressed and leave the house but then not go in, I had to get my younger 2 to school so taking him in wasn't an option.

And yes maybe deferring wasn't a good idea but it felt like it at the time, he wasn't ready for school at all. He was also born at 33 weeks so he started school at the time he would've hadn't he been born early. He would've struggled if id started him a year earlier than I did

OP posts:

FancyNewt · 22/08/2025 13:11

I'd tell him he needs to come home but he can return in the holidays if he attends school and stops his bad behaviour.

I'd also arrange counselling or a referral to CAMHs at he has a lot to process. My friends son was similar and it was helpful in the end.

If he refuses you will have no choice but to call social services.

Cucy · 22/08/2025 13:03

How far away is the farm?

I think this is a wonderful escape for him.

He is obviously struggling with home life and the issue with getting in with the wrong crowd, is that you can't get out of it very easily.

I would support him and tell him that he can stay there until just before he has to go back to school and then return on weekends and school holidays (if not too far and its ok with your dad).

He just wants some attention and a father figure.
This should mature him and give him something positive to focus on.

It will hopefully be a reward system, so that if he acts a pain at home then he doesn't get to go to the farm that weekend, as they cannot risk him acting silly.