Page 5 | DS doesn't want to come home

CuriousVital · 2025-08-22T11:08:59+00:00

I feel awful arm, prepared to be flamed. I have 4 DC B/G twin just turned 15, 11yo DS and a 5yo DD. I've had a tough time with my 15yo DS, he's got into the wrong crowd and involved in petty crimes like shoplifting - usually energy drinks from the corner shop. Throwing bricks and was caught on a dash cam, drinking, school refusal. Hadn't been to school since May and school weren't that helpful but tbh his behaviour was terrible when he was there too. He's had sex with a girl in his year and then was quite horrible to her and if she got pregnant he wasn't going anywhere near “it”, thankfully she isn't pregnant it was just a possibility as he didn't use protection. He says misogynistic things toward DD and they used to be close but she hates being around him. Dad not involved, he was financially abusive and emotionally toward me. I split with my youngest’s dad 2 years ago and he was my older childrens father figure, I think this affected him more than he lets on but ex still sees his twin and my 11yo, he just doesn't want to know. The summer holidays started and it was a nightmare, he hit his twin, broke my 11yos lego tower (on purpose), they share a room but I've partitioned it so he had no need going near it. He just laughed as he cried and filmed him and said he's going to show his new classmates. Threw my 5yos doll over the fence, which leads to a railway track so couldn't get it back, it was a birthday present that she’d had about a week so she was obviously distraught. I couldn't afford to replace it as money is tight, he has no allowance. He was trouble outside the house too, police brought him home once due to him being antisocial in the middle id town. Stole a younger child's (neighbours child) scooter but swears blind it was his friends not him but the child has said it was him. You get the picture. My dad owns a farm so I had had enough and sent him there, he's been there for about 3 weeks, celebrated his birthday there and home has been peaceful. My dad has said he's been moody and full of attitude but has helped a bit on the farm. He blames me for everything, said I have the problem not him, I'm useless etc. He's meant to come home Monday but he's refusing. Said he's not coming back, he hates me, his siblings and isn't going to school. I sent him away so why should he come back, he'll run away and stay with his mates if he's forced to come back. What the hell do I do??

WildUmberCrow · 22/08/2025 15:30

I think only a drastic intervention will help. Unfortunately there are no family or state resources available for this.
I can only suggest OP you start keeping a diary to log all events and then contacting SS everytime there a new one.
State resources like CAHMS are so cash strapped that they tend to be reactive rather than proactive.
I pity any girl and young woman who crosses this boys path. Knowing he frightens / intimidates them will most likely be very exciting for him.
I'm so sorry OP that there is seemingly nowhere to turn for the help you need and deserve.
I think you need to start hounding the school daily/weekly for a plan. The local education authority has a duty to provide him with an education. It is a case of shouting repeatedly to get your voice heard I'm afraid. If he is not going, SS need to be involved.

JJMama · 22/08/2025 15:26

He’s getting the attention he’s clearly craving from your dad. If your dad is up for it then enrol hin in school there. I suggest you concentrate on parenting the other 3 so they don’t turn out the same. And don’t bring any other men into their lives.

NotDonna · 22/08/2025 15:20

Oh @CuriousVital i really feel for you and saddened that he’s throwing away what could have been a good opportunity. The misogyny amongst other things is worrying. Have you spoken with social services and explained your predicament. I wouldn’t soften it for them but be very open regarding your concerns for the welfare of your other children not just his. A previous poster mentioned PRU and I do wonder if it’s worth asking them about this option.

Abuye · 22/08/2025 15:19

He needs to feel as though he belongs and as though he’s wanted. That’s what the ‘gang’ is giving him. Surely there’s a better way to meet this need.

peppercornrent · 22/08/2025 15:18

Would he be interested in joining the Young Farmers - ignore the silly news stories, it's a great movement and there's a lot to get involved in.

Abuye · 22/08/2025 15:18

Poor kid. He must feel like no one wants him.

Not his school.
Not his dad.
Not his step dad.
Not his mum.
Not his sisters.
Not his granddad.

And we wonder the root cause of his actions?

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 22/08/2025 15:17

CuriousVital · 22/08/2025 15:09

I'm a single mum so cant afford a private school/boarding school, I work term time only. I think it’d be unfair to uproot my other children and move, DD is going into year 10, has friends and she already doesn't want to be near her brother so will definitely resent him. DS is starting secondary in a few weeks and youngest is going into year 1. School haven't organised anything for him, tbh their pastoral is very poor and I was actually going to send DS2 elsewhere but unfortunately he wasnt given a place and is on a wait list. He's not interested in football or sports or anything so can't join a club. He was in scouts but quit when he turned 14 as he lost interest and said it was pointless, he'd rather hang around with the older friends getting into god knows what.

My brother has tried to talk to him about the photo and the fact his girlfriend doesn't want to be near him but he doesn't care, he called her a liar and used his typical misogynistic line of all women lie due to my dad not finding a picture on his phone.

What's the solution then?

-You cant afford private/boarding school
-Your dad can't let him stay at the farm
-You don't want to move as it would uproot your other children

Only one of those is a preference. You need to get him away from his current environment urgently. If he comes back without any change or intervention (which he will since he can't stay with your dad), then your children's lives and studies will be disrupted and uprooted far more than if you had got him the intervention he needs.

Original poster

CuriousVital · 22/08/2025 15:09

I'm a single mum so cant afford a private school/boarding school, I work term time only. I think it’d be unfair to uproot my other children and move, DD is going into year 10, has friends and she already doesn't want to be near her brother so will definitely resent him. DS is starting secondary in a few weeks and youngest is going into year 1. School haven't organised anything for him, tbh their pastoral is very poor and I was actually going to send DS2 elsewhere but unfortunately he wasnt given a place and is on a wait list. He's not interested in football or sports or anything so can't join a club. He was in scouts but quit when he turned 14 as he lost interest and said it was pointless, he'd rather hang around with the older friends getting into god knows what.

My brother has tried to talk to him about the photo and the fact his girlfriend doesn't want to be near him but he doesn't care, he called her a liar and used his typical misogynistic line of all women lie due to my dad not finding a picture on his phone.

OP posts:

Sussexswain · 22/08/2025 15:05

spoonbillstretford · 22/08/2025 15:00

Why is his dad seeing his twin but not him? That must hurt. I agree staying at the farm with your dad is a great idea but also please let him know that you love him, even though he is being an arsehole. His dad needs to step the fuck up with him though, I appreciate that is likely beyond your control. Counselling would be good, and maybe a change of school or online school.

It’s his step dad and op has already said her son has stopped the interaction with him. He doesn’t want to see his step dad

HeyThereDelila · 22/08/2025 15:02

Leave him there if your DF wants him to stay. Keep lines of communication open, tell him you love him, he’s welcome home but if he returns he must be kind to his siblings and respectful to you all. You and your younger DC deserve to live in a safe, peaceful home. If he can’t respect that then he can’t return.

StrongandNorthern · 22/08/2025 15:02

Your poor Dad.

spoonbillstretford · 22/08/2025 15:00

Why is his dad seeing his twin but not him? That must hurt. I agree staying at the farm with your dad is a great idea but also please let him know that you love him, even though he is being an arsehole. His dad needs to step the fuck up with him though, I appreciate that is likely beyond your control. Counselling would be good, and maybe a change of school or online school.

Agapornis · 22/08/2025 15:00

He needs deradicalising re the misogyny. I'd check mentoring/social work programmes for boys influenced by A. Tate and his ilk.

No phone during work hours on the farm if he can't use it responsibly. Is the girlfriend the only (very valid!) reason he can't stay there?

Murdoch1949 · 22/08/2025 14:57

Put your other children's needs first.

Sussexswain · 22/08/2025 14:56

Needmorelego · 22/08/2025 14:55

No she doesn't if she doesn't want to.
Personally for me - as a female - I would want to be the one to tell him exactly why I was uncomfortable with his behaviour. I would want it to come from me because that would show how serious it was.
But everyone is different.

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Yes. Everyone is different. And I would be afraid. Very afraid. With good reason and would want 3 hours between me and that boy

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 22/08/2025 14:56

VaseofViolets · 22/08/2025 14:55

The boy’s father can make alternative arrangements then. The child is there - let him find a solution. OP has other children who don’t deserve to be terrorised by their older brother; the needs of all these children can’t be sacrificed for the benefit of one, who doesn’t want to be there in the first place.

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It's OP's father (the boy's grandfather). The boy's father is not in the picture.

I think the farm has shown he needs a change in environment. I commented upthread that this is one of the instances where a specialist boarding school might be needed.

Needmorelego · 22/08/2025 14:55

Sussexswain · 22/08/2025 14:52

And if she doesn’t want to talk to him or be around him - she should not be forced to!!

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No she doesn't if she doesn't want to.
Personally for me - as a female - I would want to be the one to tell him exactly why I was uncomfortable with his behaviour. I would want it to come from me because that would show how serious it was.
But everyone is different.

VaseofViolets · 22/08/2025 14:55

3pears · 22/08/2025 14:31

But OPs dad has said he can’t stay there so it’s not really up to OP or her son

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The boy’s father can make alternative arrangements then. The child is there - let him find a solution. OP has other children who don’t deserve to be terrorised by their older brother; the needs of all these children can’t be sacrificed for the benefit of one, who doesn’t want to be there in the first place.

diddl · 22/08/2025 14:54

HerLivingontheHill · 22/08/2025 14:49

Simple posts like this aren't helping anyone are they?

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Neither are ones repeatedly saying he should stay at the farm when Op has clearly stated why it isn't possible.

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 22/08/2025 14:52

Sounds like he can't be trusted with a smartphone. He also needs medical intervention - i.e. a pychotherapist/counsellor as his behaviour and lack of remorse is very abnormal.

I would think that being at your dad's farm and having a sense of purpose is good for him.

A family friend used all her savings to send her son, who was 14 at the time, to a prestigious boarding school in another country. She had never been to that country before but pretended they were going on holiday and took his passport so he couldn't come home - it had to be a tourist destination as he would not have gone with her otherwise. She visited as often as she could but he really was on his own.

He didn't understand at first and was very angry with his mum for some years, but a few years later credits the intervention as what saved his life (he was involved in London gangs, drug use and knife crime at the time).

I think your son needs urgent, and possibly extreme, intervention now to avoid his life continuing in the direction it's already going in. The farm is a good start - but you need to separate him long term from the peers he associates with and put him in a better environment. Could you afford boarding school?

Sussexswain · 22/08/2025 14:52

Needmorelego · 22/08/2025 14:50

Why shouldn't she talk to him?
She needs to tell him why it makes her uncomfortable and tell him why he shouldn't do those things.
Unless he isn't told how is he going to know exactly why she is so uncomfortable.
He is 15. This is the time for him to learn this and it coming from her may make him take it more seriously.

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And if she doesn’t want to talk to him or be around him - she should not be forced to!!

Sussexswain · 22/08/2025 14:51

Needmorelego · 22/08/2025 14:50

Why shouldn't she talk to him?
She needs to tell him why it makes her uncomfortable and tell him why he shouldn't do those things.
Unless he isn't told how is he going to know exactly why she is so uncomfortable.
He is 15. This is the time for him to learn this and it coming from her may make him take it more seriously.

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It’s very clear he knows exactly what he is doing….

Needmorelego · 22/08/2025 14:50

Sussexswain · 22/08/2025 14:46

No - the girlfriend does not need to be involved. Woman should bot be made to be the solution in a males shit behaviour

she is uncomfortable. In her workplace. Pisses me off when a woman’s feeling is not the priority

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Why shouldn't she talk to him?
She needs to tell him why it makes her uncomfortable and tell him why he shouldn't do those things.
Unless he isn't told how is he going to know exactly why she is so uncomfortable.
He is 15. This is the time for him to learn this and it coming from her may make him take it more seriously.

HerLivingontheHill · 22/08/2025 14:49

diddl · 22/08/2025 14:48

Perhaps he should have behaved at the farm then?

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Simple posts like this aren't helping anyone are they?

diddl · 22/08/2025 14:48

Needmorelego · 22/08/2025 14:30

Because otherwise a 15 year old lad could find himself alone on the streets in a dangerous situation.

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Perhaps he should have behaved at the farm then?