Page 3 | DS doesn't want to come home

CuriousVital · 2025-08-22T11:08:59+00:00

I feel awful arm, prepared to be flamed. I have 4 DC B/G twin just turned 15, 11yo DS and a 5yo DD. I've had a tough time with my 15yo DS, he's got into the wrong crowd and involved in petty crimes like shoplifting - usually energy drinks from the corner shop. Throwing bricks and was caught on a dash cam, drinking, school refusal. Hadn't been to school since May and school weren't that helpful but tbh his behaviour was terrible when he was there too. He's had sex with a girl in his year and then was quite horrible to her and if she got pregnant he wasn't going anywhere near “it”, thankfully she isn't pregnant it was just a possibility as he didn't use protection. He says misogynistic things toward DD and they used to be close but she hates being around him. Dad not involved, he was financially abusive and emotionally toward me. I split with my youngest’s dad 2 years ago and he was my older childrens father figure, I think this affected him more than he lets on but ex still sees his twin and my 11yo, he just doesn't want to know. The summer holidays started and it was a nightmare, he hit his twin, broke my 11yos lego tower (on purpose), they share a room but I've partitioned it so he had no need going near it. He just laughed as he cried and filmed him and said he's going to show his new classmates. Threw my 5yos doll over the fence, which leads to a railway track so couldn't get it back, it was a birthday present that she’d had about a week so she was obviously distraught. I couldn't afford to replace it as money is tight, he has no allowance. He was trouble outside the house too, police brought him home once due to him being antisocial in the middle id town. Stole a younger child's (neighbours child) scooter but swears blind it was his friends not him but the child has said it was him. You get the picture. My dad owns a farm so I had had enough and sent him there, he's been there for about 3 weeks, celebrated his birthday there and home has been peaceful. My dad has said he's been moody and full of attitude but has helped a bit on the farm. He blames me for everything, said I have the problem not him, I'm useless etc. He's meant to come home Monday but he's refusing. Said he's not coming back, he hates me, his siblings and isn't going to school. I sent him away so why should he come back, he'll run away and stay with his mates if he's forced to come back. What the hell do I do??

ASongOfRiceAndPeas · 22/08/2025 18:09

Hi OP, I think it’s time to seek professional help and tbh I’m shocked the school haven’t suggested this already. Reach out to CAMHS and look into residential schools, this may be the safest option for him. I don’t mean a fee paying boarding school, but a local authority run one (or a private one if LA will fund) for kids with high needs. You should also try reaching out to social services as they can help with respite and other kinds of support. All of the above is easier with some kind of diagnosis though so it’s important you engage CAMHS/your GP for a referral asap.
Best of luck, honestly 🌺

Original poster

CuriousVital · 22/08/2025 17:52

Octonaut4Life · 22/08/2025 17:08

OP it strikes me that he doesn't seem to have much in life that he actually enjoys. No hobbies, no sports, doesn't like school, nothing he's motivated by or good at. Presumably that can't always have been the case? Can you do anything to try and get him interested in something or feeling like he's good at something again?

I said in a PP he used to do scouts but quit last year, he's never been into sport. He used to enjoy drawing and he’d spend ages on one thing and was quite good at it but hasn't drawn anything for ages, he threw a sketch pad he had full of drawings away. Apart from that he has no other interests so since he stopped drawing all he's been doing is getting into trouble

To a previous poster, he was getting an allowance but I stopped it a while ago due to his behaviour, I'm not sure if he's into drugs but I don't think he is, he was drinking which I didn't like due to his age and it being with older lads.

He doesn't have ADHD but I will look into conduct disorder

OP posts:

user1471538283 · 22/08/2025 17:43

Could you try 14-16 college provision? Some is funded by the local authority. But if he gets a place he has to attend to be able to go to the farm during holidays. He might prefer college and the farm would be a carrot.

Hankunamatata · 22/08/2025 17:13

Tell his grandad to take a bloody hammer to the phone.
Surprised he even has one after videoing people etc

Octonaut4Life · 22/08/2025 17:08

OP it strikes me that he doesn't seem to have much in life that he actually enjoys. No hobbies, no sports, doesn't like school, nothing he's motivated by or good at. Presumably that can't always have been the case? Can you do anything to try and get him interested in something or feeling like he's good at something again?

InterIgnis · 22/08/2025 16:57

Mini2025 · 22/08/2025 16:35

He is showing worrying signs of misogyny towards women. He also seems to have no empathy and might have some psychopathy. That's OK but it needs to be assessed and looked at and worked with so he doesn't fall into a life of crime. It sounds like that's where he may be heading as nothing so far seems to prevent him from pushing boundaries again and again and again.

I would get a dumb phone, ie, a phone with no internet access or camera, like an old Nokia and take the mobile phone away. He can still message and call people but he can't put women at risk. He's obviously been desensitised by numerous porn media and therefore women may not be safe around him.

OP, he doesn't fit in your household anymore and is best around another man (assuming your Dad can actually physically handle him?). He may become a physical danger to others around him at some point.

He's clearly unhappy, deeply unhappy in himself and in his life. At 15 sharing a bedroom is tough, especially if he suffers for emotional disregulation which it sounds like he does.

He needs a lot of help to get him to place of being able to self-soothe without the need to externalise his energy/frustration/disappointment and not getting his needs met 'this moment' which materalises in rough deviant behaviour towards those around him. And that takes time with someone like him.

He can't unlearn all that overnight. it's taken him years to reach this place and he may have been born like that due to being early born. He needs a lot of work. Contact those places and see if you can get help near your Dad instead and get him on board there with some sort of intervention.

He needs help. School can come later. School is the least of your worries at the moment I'd say. At the moment you're hoping to stop him ending in a life of crime as this is where he's headed at the moment.

There‘s a possibility here is that the farm isn’t actually helping feel safe and secure, but that he wants to stay because he doesn’t want to lose access to a victim.

Either way the father doesn’t want to have him permanently, and/or simply can’t.

InterIgnis · 22/08/2025 16:52

CuriousVital · 22/08/2025 16:38

He had a happy childhood, he doesn't remember his bio dad and tbh when he was in his life he was very hands off anyway. But he got along with my youngests dad, when we were together we’d do one on one time with each child whilst the other had the others. But we’d also do family things. When he started refusing to go to my ex’s it was me and him at home when the others were with him and I tried to have 1 on 1 time with him but he refused. I've tried consequences, love, tough love, taking his things but nothing works.

Is conduct disorder diagnosed here in the UK? The sites I found from a quick google looked American based.

I will look into the local early help, I'm not protecting him from police intervention they just haven't got involved, when they brought him home that was it really, I think they did note his name down but he hadn't been in trouble or known to them so they didn't do much. When he was throwing bricks, I was shown the dashcam footage by a neighbour that lives a few houses away and he did phone the police on the non emergency number but they didn't come out, I think he did send them the footage but they weren't throwing them at people/things so I don't think they took it seriously which is a shame as maybe that would scare him into behaving.. Or not

It looks like it’s been renamed as Conduct Dissocial Disorder in the UK, but yes, it is.

https://www.clinical-partners.co.uk/insights-and-news/behavioural-issues/understanding-conduct-disorders-in-children-and-teenagers?format=amp

https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/parents-and-young-people/information-for-parents-and-carers/behavioural-problems-for-parents-and-carers#:~:text=Oppositional%20defiant%20disorder%20and%20conduct%2Ddissocial%20disorder%20sit%20in%20the,are%20having%20persistent%20behavioural%20problems.

Understanding conduct disorders in children and teenagers - Blog

https://www.clinical-partners.co.uk/insights-and-news/behavioural-issues/understanding-conduct-disorders-in-children-and-teenagers?format=amp

PrincessScarlett · 22/08/2025 16:48

This is all very worrying. He's hanging out with older friends, not going to school, lashing out at you and his siblings. I'm wondering if he has got into some sort of gang situation that he can't get out of so he likes being at the farm because he's away from whatever trouble he is in.

I'm not saying it is county lines but if it is, the best advice given by all the experts is to get your child far away from the gangs.

Is there any way you can get your DS to open up a bit to either you or your dad? If it is anything gang related I would do whatever I could to keep him at the farm on a more permanent basis. It sounds like he feels safe there.

If you force him home I worry what the impact will be on your other children. They already hate him and he is being physically violent towards them.

Definitely seek help/advice from your local authority early help team.

Good luck. I think this is one of every parents' nightmares ☹️

Silverfoxlady · 22/08/2025 16:48

I am sorry if I am repeating others, but have you thought of him staying at the farm and moving school too? I am not sure if the farm is close or far, but being further would be a bonus for school. I think if he has a completely new scene of friends it might help, and also just having a new start and being helpful and having more of a purpose on the farm.

It sounds like the environment he is in at the moment is not working for him or for the rest of your family, and I can understand how being able to work with your father is a great alternative.

I agree with others that having therapy would probably also help, if he is up for it (obviously, you can lead a horse to water…).

Mini2025 · 22/08/2025 16:45

Conduct order is diagnosed here. Yes. And it sounds like he may it. The police don't come for petty stuff these days. But it's the idea that if he returns home to you and he's very unhappy with that, he will turn to more serious things. Approx 1 in 4 with CD turn to crime and if you have ADHD too, it's even higher.

I hope he can find the thing that makes him feel alive and happy, rather than angry and down. Wish you all the best OP.

Original poster

CuriousVital · 22/08/2025 16:38

He had a happy childhood, he doesn't remember his bio dad and tbh when he was in his life he was very hands off anyway. But he got along with my youngests dad, when we were together we’d do one on one time with each child whilst the other had the others. But we’d also do family things. When he started refusing to go to my ex’s it was me and him at home when the others were with him and I tried to have 1 on 1 time with him but he refused. I've tried consequences, love, tough love, taking his things but nothing works.

Is conduct disorder diagnosed here in the UK? The sites I found from a quick google looked American based.

I will look into the local early help, I'm not protecting him from police intervention they just haven't got involved, when they brought him home that was it really, I think they did note his name down but he hadn't been in trouble or known to them so they didn't do much. When he was throwing bricks, I was shown the dashcam footage by a neighbour that lives a few houses away and he did phone the police on the non emergency number but they didn't come out, I think he did send them the footage but they weren't throwing them at people/things so I don't think they took it seriously which is a shame as maybe that would scare him into behaving.. Or not

OP posts:

Mini2025 · 22/08/2025 16:37

I agree with others too, he's a risk to your other children. You really need to take it seriously. Imagine if he did something to one of your other kids? It would break the family apart forever. You can't come back from that, not really.

Mini2025 · 22/08/2025 16:35

He is showing worrying signs of misogyny towards women. He also seems to have no empathy and might have some psychopathy. That's OK but it needs to be assessed and looked at and worked with so he doesn't fall into a life of crime. It sounds like that's where he may be heading as nothing so far seems to prevent him from pushing boundaries again and again and again.

I would get a dumb phone, ie, a phone with no internet access or camera, like an old Nokia and take the mobile phone away. He can still message and call people but he can't put women at risk. He's obviously been desensitised by numerous porn media and therefore women may not be safe around him.

OP, he doesn't fit in your household anymore and is best around another man (assuming your Dad can actually physically handle him?). He may become a physical danger to others around him at some point.

He's clearly unhappy, deeply unhappy in himself and in his life. At 15 sharing a bedroom is tough, especially if he suffers for emotional disregulation which it sounds like he does.

He needs a lot of help to get him to place of being able to self-soothe without the need to externalise his energy/frustration/disappointment and not getting his needs met 'this moment' which materalises in rough deviant behaviour towards those around him. And that takes time with someone like him.

He can't unlearn all that overnight. it's taken him years to reach this place and he may have been born like that due to being early born. He needs a lot of work. Contact those places and see if you can get help near your Dad instead and get him on board there with some sort of intervention.

He needs help. School can come later. School is the least of your worries at the moment I'd say. At the moment you're hoping to stop him ending in a life of crime as this is where he's headed at the moment.

user764329056 · 22/08/2025 16:31

This is heartbreaking for everyone involved, so sorry you’re going through this OP

InterIgnis · 22/08/2025 16:29

TweedleTarmac · 22/08/2025 16:21

@CuriousVital I don't know why he's like this.

Trauma, 100%. The same reason any of us display maladaptive behaviours. Has he ever accessed any kind of therapy? It will probably be a huge battle but you need to get him into good quality therapy ASAP.

Call your local council children's services right now before they close for the week and ask for an urgent Early Help Assessment. Say that there are safeguarding concerns for your other children if he comes home and that he is about to be evicted from the farm.

I wouldn’t discount nature playing a role in addition to his negative life experiences tbh.

beAsensible1 · 22/08/2025 16:27

I do think you need to seek professional help and support OP I don’t think this is something for you to manage alone.

the behaviour towards girls/women is pretty worrying but also means that interventions from you won’t do much as he clearly does respect women, or value their opinions so it will fall on deaf ears.

id look into mentorship and behaviour programmes for you boys his age. But id seriously contact Ss for early help or even signposting to groups for support

NotDonna · 22/08/2025 16:27

Social services, the police etc are your friends in this situation. He’s out of control and you are very limited in what you can do.

NotDonna · 22/08/2025 16:25

@CuriousVital you’re update to her side of the story is worrying. If no one else was around at the time I’d have been quite uncomfortable to say the least! If you google ‘Early Help Assessment’ your local one will be listed.

InterIgnis · 22/08/2025 16:24

CuriousVital · 22/08/2025 16:12

Ive not been told about Early Help or any services. We live in a small town so not sure what's on offer if anything. I do worry the police will be involved properly, he's lucky they aren't already if I'm honest. I don't know what a poster meant by “focus on parenting your 3 children so they don't turn out like this” as if I'm being blamed? I do parent them, I don't know why he's like this. My youngests dad isn't misogynistic or anything like this, it wasn't a huge messy breakup.

He hasn't seen his bio dad since he was about 3, DS2 was a few months old and his dad doesn't even know where we are.

About the photos - this is the girlfriends version of events as DS has lied and said he didn't move from where he was supposed to be despite my dad seeing him running back, when challenged he said it wasn't him and my dad must’ve been mistaken.

She said he was wandering around, she asked if he was ok and he told her he didn't need her, he was looking for my brother and not her and she explained that he was off elsewhere and asked why and he told her to follow him because he needed help then when they got there he seemed to change and asked her why she was there, he doesn't need her, she wouldn't know what to do etc and then held his phone up to her as he he was taking a photo and when she asked if he took a photo he ignored her then after she went back to where she was and he kept wandering around near her as she was working for seemingly no reason at all but he was making her uncomfortable and she asked him to go back to where he needed to be and he ignored her just didn't go back until he decided to himself (presumably when my dad saw him running). Whenever she tried to move away from him he'd just follow her and be in her area again. My dad does believe this version of events but no photo was found but who knows he could've hidden it somehow as teens are much better at tech than us.

Apologies if this is a drip feed.

The police becoming involved won’t necessarily be a bad thing tbh. You may think keeping them away is protecting him, but police involvement can be a trigger for intervention, which he desperately needs.

If he continues on the path he’s on their involvement will be inevitable, and quite possibly for a much more serious offence.

JLou08 · 22/08/2025 16:23

If him being there works for your dad do everything you can to leave him there. What he was doing to his younger siblings was abusive, you couldn't keep all of your DC safe, the one in question was on a very destructive path and getting to an age where reversing that gets more challenging. If him staying there won't be agreed maybe he needs to be accommodated by social care, I very rarely suggest that but him being out of your house is clearly benefiting all DC, making all of them safer after they were all at serious risk.

TweedleTarmac · 22/08/2025 16:21

@CuriousVital I don't know why he's like this.

Trauma, 100%. The same reason any of us display maladaptive behaviours. Has he ever accessed any kind of therapy? It will probably be a huge battle but you need to get him into good quality therapy ASAP.

Call your local council children's services right now before they close for the week and ask for an urgent Early Help Assessment. Say that there are safeguarding concerns for your other children if he comes home and that he is about to be evicted from the farm.

InterIgnis · 22/08/2025 16:20

NotDonna · 22/08/2025 16:17

And her son? He will feel very justified in his behaviour. I can’t believe ppl are making the young woman accountable for the boys actions!! Unreal.

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Exactly.

This kid is showing very disturbing behavioral traits that could and probably will escalate if this isn’t tackled hard now.

beAsensible1 · 22/08/2025 16:18

AlwaysFreezing · 22/08/2025 12:12

Leave him there? Enroll him in a local to the farm school? Maybe the wholesomeness of the farm life is exactly what he needs! All that fresh air and hard work?

Would your dad be up for it?

ah never mind

NotDonna · 22/08/2025 16:17

InterIgnis · 22/08/2025 15:59

A 15 year old can absolutely pose a threat to a 20 year old woman. He’s disdainful and hostile towards women, and has already been physically violent towards his twin. Why wouldn’t she uncomfortable around him?

What authority does OP have to override her here? It isn’t her farm, it’s her father’s, and her father believes the girlfriend and does not want his grandson there permanently. If OP wades in, accuses her of lying, and tells her to put up and shut up, how do you think that will go with her father and her brother?

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And her son? He will feel very justified in his behaviour. I can’t believe ppl are making the young woman accountable for the boys actions!! Unreal.

InterIgnis · 22/08/2025 16:17

Mildorado · 22/08/2025 15:50

Yes, as I said upthread, that intervention should already be in place. It really needs to be.

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This. I wouldn’t be surprised, based on OP’s description, if there’s conduct disorder at play here, which is often a precursor for a much more serious diagnosis as an adult.