DS doesn't want to come home

CuriousVital · 2025-08-22T11:08:59+00:00

I feel awful arm, prepared to be flamed. I have 4 DC B/G twin just turned 15, 11yo DS and a 5yo DD. I've had a tough time with my 15yo DS, he's got into the wrong crowd and involved in petty crimes like shoplifting - usually energy drinks from the corner shop. Throwing bricks and was caught on a dash cam, drinking, school refusal. Hadn't been to school since May and school weren't that helpful but tbh his behaviour was terrible when he was there too. He's had sex with a girl in his year and then was quite horrible to her and if she got pregnant he wasn't going anywhere near “it”, thankfully she isn't pregnant it was just a possibility as he didn't use protection. He says misogynistic things toward DD and they used to be close but she hates being around him. Dad not involved, he was financially abusive and emotionally toward me. I split with my youngest’s dad 2 years ago and he was my older childrens father figure, I think this affected him more than he lets on but ex still sees his twin and my 11yo, he just doesn't want to know. The summer holidays started and it was a nightmare, he hit his twin, broke my 11yos lego tower (on purpose), they share a room but I've partitioned it so he had no need going near it. He just laughed as he cried and filmed him and said he's going to show his new classmates. Threw my 5yos doll over the fence, which leads to a railway track so couldn't get it back, it was a birthday present that she’d had about a week so she was obviously distraught. I couldn't afford to replace it as money is tight, he has no allowance. He was trouble outside the house too, police brought him home once due to him being antisocial in the middle id town. Stole a younger child's (neighbours child) scooter but swears blind it was his friends not him but the child has said it was him. You get the picture. My dad owns a farm so I had had enough and sent him there, he's been there for about 3 weeks, celebrated his birthday there and home has been peaceful. My dad has said he's been moody and full of attitude but has helped a bit on the farm. He blames me for everything, said I have the problem not him, I'm useless etc. He's meant to come home Monday but he's refusing. Said he's not coming back, he hates me, his siblings and isn't going to school. I sent him away so why should he come back, he'll run away and stay with his mates if he's forced to come back. What the hell do I do??

InterIgnis · 24/08/2025 13:37

Corfumanchu · 24/08/2025 09:20

Im a bit sceptic cal of this girlfriend, a grown ass eoman uncomfortable around a kid who has just turned 15, and making jp stories about him photographing her. Hmmm
On the other hand yoir dad relies on her and does not want to piss off his younger son i suppose.
I work in a school whdre nearly all the kids sre from farming families and the boys live and breathe farming. Can you look into any young farmers branches near you? Couldnt he go on public transport to the nearest towm to grandad every oyjer weekend. Your boy sounds desperately unhappy snd i think it is worth perusing any interestd he shows

Where are you getting that she made it up?

A 15 year old boy is not incapable of being taller and significantly stronger than a 20 year old woman. Psychologically disturbed 15 year old boys can and have victimized and murdered women. This particular 15 year old boy has already been physically violent to his own sister, and is resolutely misogynist. The fact that the people who know him, including OP, believe the girlfriend does rather suggest they know this isn’t out of character for him at all.

His grandfather runs a farm, yet needs to constantly supervise him because he can’t trust him to be unattended. He’s also created an uncomfortable environment for the rest of the workers. Understandably, they don’t want him there long term.

NotDonna · 24/08/2025 10:52

Even if ppl can’t be arsed to read the whole thread at the very least you read ALL of OP’s updates.

Sussexswain · 24/08/2025 10:51

I am genuinely baffled that so many people a) can’t read the thread b) think a full time farmer would ever have capacity to take on troubled youth. Especially as he didn’t turn up and show improvement and act like young farmer of the year. He actually made things worse and had a bad attitude

Corfumanchu · 24/08/2025 10:42

Iloveeverycat · 24/08/2025 10:38

I agree completely with this

Show quote history

Oh my goodness! Can people mot read! The op says it isnt an option.

Sussexswain · 24/08/2025 10:39

Read the thread. Her dad says he can’t stay.

Iloveeverycat · 24/08/2025 10:38

AlwaysFreezing · 22/08/2025 12:12

Leave him there? Enroll him in a local to the farm school? Maybe the wholesomeness of the farm life is exactly what he needs! All that fresh air and hard work?

Would your dad be up for it?

I agree completely with this

Sussexswain · 24/08/2025 10:36

NotDonna · 24/08/2025 10:19

@Corfumanchu & @HerLivingontheHill I think your support of this boy staying on the farm is outrageous. He fucked up this opportunity by not only harassing his uncles girlfriend but being a general pain in the arse. The gdad has to supervise 100% and try to run a business. Don’t start blaming the girl! FFS!!
@CuriousVital have you contacted anyone yet?

I would love to know if this what they would advise their 20 year old daughter to do…. Ignore, get over it, stop lying, get a grip..

NotDonna · 24/08/2025 10:19

@Corfumanchu & @HerLivingontheHill I think your support of this boy staying on the farm is outrageous. He fucked up this opportunity by not only harassing his uncles girlfriend but being a general pain in the arse. The gdad has to supervise 100% and try to run a business. Don’t start blaming the girl! FFS!!
@CuriousVital have you contacted anyone yet?

dimsumfatsum · 24/08/2025 09:58

Does your child have an EHCP OP? He needs one asap and you need to be at the local authority- social care- telling them how you’re struggling with your son and what they can suggest.

Simonjt · 24/08/2025 09:53

The incident with his uncles girlfriend sounds very scary and intimidating.

To be honest I’m surprised you are yet to seem support from social services, I do think you also need to stress the danger he poses to his siblings, I do think it is unlikely unsafe for him to have access to them at night. If he comes home would it be better for you to share the divided room and he has your room, or do you have a dining room that could become an additional bedroom?

Cherrytree86 · 24/08/2025 09:36

Corfumanchu · 24/08/2025 09:20

Im a bit sceptic cal of this girlfriend, a grown ass eoman uncomfortable around a kid who has just turned 15, and making jp stories about him photographing her. Hmmm
On the other hand yoir dad relies on her and does not want to piss off his younger son i suppose.
I work in a school whdre nearly all the kids sre from farming families and the boys live and breathe farming. Can you look into any young farmers branches near you? Couldnt he go on public transport to the nearest towm to grandad every oyjer weekend. Your boy sounds desperately unhappy snd i think it is worth perusing any interestd he shows

@Corfumanchu

have you seen 15 year old lads?? Many will tower over a woman. Most can definitely physically overpower a women. Why are you sceptical? Are you a misogynist?

diddl · 24/08/2025 09:29

Im a bit sceptic cal of this girlfriend, a grown ass eoman uncomfortable around a kid who has just turned 15, and making jp stories about him photographing her. Hmmm

What on earth would be her motive?

Sussexswain · 24/08/2025 09:25

Corfumanchu · 24/08/2025 09:20

Im a bit sceptic cal of this girlfriend, a grown ass eoman uncomfortable around a kid who has just turned 15, and making jp stories about him photographing her. Hmmm
On the other hand yoir dad relies on her and does not want to piss off his younger son i suppose.
I work in a school whdre nearly all the kids sre from farming families and the boys live and breathe farming. Can you look into any young farmers branches near you? Couldnt he go on public transport to the nearest towm to grandad every oyjer weekend. Your boy sounds desperately unhappy snd i think it is worth perusing any interestd he shows

Oh good - we are now deciding as a society when a woman should or should not feel uncomfortable? At what age do you deem it appropriate for a male to get into a woman’s space and her to just be fine about it?

I work at a school and many 15 year olds are well over 6ft. We are talking about a sexually active, porn watching boy who likely could be taller and physically able to intimidate her.

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/08/2025 09:23

It’s a very difficult situation for you

did your dad look into deleted photos /hidden or check google /i cloud etc

if he was running away when wasn’t even meant to be in that gf area then he was wrong

could a compromise be that he stays but phone is changed to a basic one that can literally talk and text. No internet

I know easterners and Joel is a storyline but sounds like your son is similar with porn and views of woman

not sure what the solution is but if he def can’t stay at the farm and comes back home then serious boundaries need to be put into place to protecr your other 3

or he goes into foster care which is worst thing as he needs some love and support

he is prob pushing back due to 2 father figures leaving.

Corfumanchu · 24/08/2025 09:20

Im a bit sceptic cal of this girlfriend, a grown ass eoman uncomfortable around a kid who has just turned 15, and making jp stories about him photographing her. Hmmm
On the other hand yoir dad relies on her and does not want to piss off his younger son i suppose.
I work in a school whdre nearly all the kids sre from farming families and the boys live and breathe farming. Can you look into any young farmers branches near you? Couldnt he go on public transport to the nearest towm to grandad every oyjer weekend. Your boy sounds desperately unhappy snd i think it is worth perusing any interestd he shows

Lampzade · 24/08/2025 09:18

AliceMcK · 22/08/2025 13:00

This might sound cruel but refuse to take him and get social services involved. My cousin did this when her son was around this age, lots of what your talking about, the final straw was his misogynistic treatment of his sister, she wouldn’t allow it and he ended up in foster care for just under a year. He regretted it very quickly and have a very good relationship now.

im not saying it is the right fix, but right now you have young children to protect, even his own twin is uncomfortable with him around her, that all types of wrong.

Yep
The other children shouldn’t be made to suffer just because their sibling is difficult

Sussexswain · 24/08/2025 09:17

Lampzade · 24/08/2025 09:14

Definitely leave him there

And the female worker just has to be uncomfortable. Brill. SMH 🤦‍♀️

Lampzade · 24/08/2025 09:14

Definitely leave him there

Sussexswain · 24/08/2025 09:11

HerLivingontheHill · 24/08/2025 08:55

Both those posts above are from the girlfriend's point of view and it could be likely she's jealous of him getting attention from his grandad.

@Sussexswain I don't need lectures from you on sexual assault. I've been assaulted twice in my life. Once in a street early evening, the other in broad daylight on public transport.
Don't dare tell me I'm minimising this kind of behaviour.

I just think too many people are being naive and not looking at the far bigger picture of this boy and his issues and too quick to label him as a sexual predator.

And you are wrong - they are not from the girlfriend’s point of view. The OP has been very factual and put both points across and puts the conclusion of the grandfather following his investigation and knowledge of both people. One is his worker who he clearly has both a family and professional relationship with and one is his grandson who has acted like an arse for 3 weeks and this sounds like the cherry on the cake. Why are you so determined that this thug who throws brick, is misongynistic to his sister and girl he had under age sex with, throws bricks, steals ect is innocent. I do not doubt he has had a lot of trauma to get this point but does not minimise what he has done.

Sussexswain · 24/08/2025 09:05

HerLivingontheHill · 24/08/2025 08:55

Both those posts above are from the girlfriend's point of view and it could be likely she's jealous of him getting attention from his grandad.

@Sussexswain I don't need lectures from you on sexual assault. I've been assaulted twice in my life. Once in a street early evening, the other in broad daylight on public transport.
Don't dare tell me I'm minimising this kind of behaviour.

I just think too many people are being naive and not looking at the far bigger picture of this boy and his issues and too quick to label him as a sexual predator.

FFS why are you making assumptions that the girlfriend is lying when OP and and her father believe her? As OP stated, her son lied about his actions that day saying he had not moved when clearly he had as he had seen.
why would you automatically assume the woman is lying when all evidence does not point in that direction?

i am not lecturing you - i am categorically saying you are minimising her feeling because SHE. DOES. NOT. WANT. TO. TALK. TO. HIM. This is her work place and he followrd her. Got in her space and made her uncomfortable. When he has been challenged on that he has made misongynistic comments so why the hell would she want to sit down and have a nice chat??? Jesus wept

Walkerzoo · 24/08/2025 09:02

It sounds a bit like Andrew Tate and his views.

HerLivingontheHill · 24/08/2025 08:55

Both those posts above are from the girlfriend's point of view and it could be likely she's jealous of him getting attention from his grandad.

@Sussexswain I don't need lectures from you on sexual assault. I've been assaulted twice in my life. Once in a street early evening, the other in broad daylight on public transport.
Don't dare tell me I'm minimising this kind of behaviour.

I just think too many people are being naive and not looking at the far bigger picture of this boy and his issues and too quick to label him as a sexual predator.

Cherrytree86 · 24/08/2025 08:52

Sussexswain · 23/08/2025 06:55

Your comments are really worrying and are a great example as to why female victims of sexual assault often don’t come forward.

you have said the girlfriend should ‘ignore’ what happened, that she’s a liar even though the dad caught him out in a lie, said op should go in all guns blazing saying she should be over ruled’ even though it sounds like she is a good worker which is vital in a farm and ops son is at best pissing about with a sucky attitude, at worst a predator in the making. I doubt the farmer wants to lose a good worker and replace with moody teenager who hasn’t done much apart from cause trouble.

and in the meantime he deserves kisses and cuddles. WTAF??? Why do some woman hate women?

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@Sussexswain

for fucks sake, we don’t ignore behaviour from a male that makes a female uncomfortable!!
having an absent father does not give this male carte Blanche to intimate a female.
END OF!

Sussexswain · 23/08/2025 21:09

Needmorelego · 23/08/2025 14:41

@HerLivingontheHill I thought that about the alleged photos.
That's why suggested everyone (mum, grandad, teen, uncle and the girlfriend) all sit down together to talk about it.

Edited

He followed her and got on her space. She does not need, nor apparently does she want to sit down with him. And when her boyfriend talked to him - in OPs own words his vocabulary was misogynistic.

InterIgnis · 23/08/2025 15:25

HerLivingontheHill · 23/08/2025 14:31

@Sussexswain I find your appraisal of my post quite insulting. You've jumping to one mighty conclusion.

Unless I've misread the OP's post, all she described was the girlfriend of her brother saying her son was following this girl around the farm, from a distance.
Maybe, in his simple mind, he was looking to talk to her and didn't quite know how? They accused him of taking a photo, but it's not on his phone.
And if he did take a photo- so what?
Could you explain how you get from that to sexual assault? And to label him as a predator?

For all you and I know, this could all be a conspiracy between OP's brother and his girlfriend to get rid if this boy because they dislike him.

Yes, he deserves affection but you clearly can't see that and are too quick to label him based on what could be a made-up version of events. OP only has other people's sides to go on.

That doesn’t mean he didn’t take photos and delete them. It doesn’t mean he wasn’t pretending to take photos as a way to intimidate her.

Context matters. This is a kid that has a history of physical aggression and misogyny. That is currently spouting misogynistic venom. It’s surprising that you’re choosing to ignore this. Being 15 does not make him harmless.

“Although there was no evidence on his phone that he had taken a photo, my dad did believe her over him due to his behaviour toward girls here and the underage sex and misogyny”

“And RE the photo incident, DS shouldn't have been anywhere near my brothers girlfriend at that time, he had no need to be as what he was meant to be doing was in a separate part of the farm to her. And my dad did catch him running back to where he was supposed to be so he must’ve spotted my dad and that shows he was doing something he shouldn't have been”

“She said he was wandering around, she asked if he was ok and he told her he didn't need her, he was looking for my brother and not her and she explained that he was off elsewhere and asked why and he told her to follow him because he needed help then when they got there he seemed to change and asked her why she was there, he doesn't need her, she wouldn't know what to do etc and then held his phone up to her as he he was taking a photo and when she asked if he took a photo he ignored her then after she went back to where she was and he kept wandering around near her as she was working for seemingly no reason at all but he was making her uncomfortable and she asked him to go back to where he needed to be and he ignored her just didn't go back until he decided to himself (presumably when my dad saw him running). Whenever she tried to move away from him he'd just follow her and be in her area again. My dad does believe this version of events but no photo was found but who knows he could've hidden it somehow as teens are much better at tech than us.”

He’s exhibiting escalating patterns of behavior that are deeply concerning, that suggest that without intervention he could escalate into being a serious danger to women.

Violent offenders rarely emerge fully fledged in adulthood, rather the signs are there from early on. This is the time to recognize the red flags and take action, and that also means acting to ensure the safety of the woman he’s targeting. Downplaying it doesn’t do him, or anyone, any favors.