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Original poster

DP wants a break doesn’t know what he wants

139 replies

boscher · 22/08/2025 11:04

So dp of 20 years has given me the silent treatment since Sunday. He’s been working away, I’ve tried messaging and ringing asking why. He says he has nothing to say to me.

we had an argument Sunday and both said a few harsh words, I did raise my voice. He knows how to get in my head then blames it all on me for shouting.
The argument was no worse than ones we’ve had in the past.

He works long hours, I work part time plus do all childcare and everything in the house. He does nothing except work.
He says I’m miserable and never go near him for sex etc. He never comes near me unless he wants sex that’s the only time. If he does come near me he’s either touching my boobs or between my legs. Never just a kiss or cuddle.
Ive tried to tell him I’m burnt out and touched out from doing everything in the house and for the kids. His answer is that’s why I work part time.

We did have a really good relationship and sex life up until around a year and half ago. I’m going through peri and this has changed me a lot. He doesn’t understand that and just says millions of other women are as well.
Now it does really feel like we are only together for the kids. He’s said the same

So my question is what do I do? He’s said he wants a break. Do I agree to the break see how it goes or do I just say leave it then?

Id be no worse off without him that’s not an issue

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 22/08/2025 12:10

boscher · 22/08/2025 11:36

Sorry to hear you are going through this as well.
That’s exactly like us, more like friends now. He’s back today so will just have to see what today brings

Show quote history

Can you get a babysitter over the weekend and have some child free time to discuss how to reconnect?

If you love him and see a future id be putting effort in to make things works. If he doesn't match your energy and is checked out you know it's over

DoRayMeMeMe · 22/08/2025 12:09

boscher · 22/08/2025 11:04

So dp of 20 years has given me the silent treatment since Sunday. He’s been working away, I’ve tried messaging and ringing asking why. He says he has nothing to say to me.

we had an argument Sunday and both said a few harsh words, I did raise my voice. He knows how to get in my head then blames it all on me for shouting.
The argument was no worse than ones we’ve had in the past.

He works long hours, I work part time plus do all childcare and everything in the house. He does nothing except work.
He says I’m miserable and never go near him for sex etc. He never comes near me unless he wants sex that’s the only time. If he does come near me he’s either touching my boobs or between my legs. Never just a kiss or cuddle.
Ive tried to tell him I’m burnt out and touched out from doing everything in the house and for the kids. His answer is that’s why I work part time.

We did have a really good relationship and sex life up until around a year and half ago. I’m going through peri and this has changed me a lot. He doesn’t understand that and just says millions of other women are as well.
Now it does really feel like we are only together for the kids. He’s said the same

So my question is what do I do? He’s said he wants a break. Do I agree to the break see how it goes or do I just say leave it then?

Id be no worse off without him that’s not an issue

So have a break from each other?

purplecorkheart · 22/08/2025 12:08

boscher · 22/08/2025 12:06

I do love him still and I do want to be with him. I just want things to be how they used to me and I know we both need to change and work on it for that to happen.

Bu a break he means time to cool off and think about our future and if this is going to work. Not a break to see other people

Sorry op but you are being very naive.

AlligatorTears · 22/08/2025 12:07

You’re a fool OP. He’ll be fucking someone within a week. I guarantee.

Original poster
boscher · 22/08/2025 12:06

I do love him still and I do want to be with him. I just want things to be how they used to me and I know we both need to change and work on it for that to happen.

Bu a break he means time to cool off and think about our future and if this is going to work. Not a break to see other people

OP posts:
TheHandmaidsSnail · 22/08/2025 12:06

WallaceinAnderland · 22/08/2025 11:49

A break is just code for he has someone else lined up and wants to give it a go.

This ^^

Can't believe you don't know that OP.

Sadly this is true

Sporadica · 22/08/2025 12:02

Do you know what he means by "a break"? If it's that he wants some time to think and cool off without having to talk about the relationship, I'd be inclined to say his being away is a good chance to do that as you're not going to resolve anything over the phone anyway. But the children are so young they're going to at least need you to facilitate contact while he's away and let him know if there's an emergency, so he can't just not speak to you. If he means a break to be involved with other people, I'd only agree if you also want that, and you need to set some ground rules like how much you tell each other and what to do if a "side" relationship gets too serious. I'd say it's too risky with small children. Is he going to take a "break" from them, too?

Regardless, he should NOT be touching you sexually without consent. It sounds like you've asked him to stop and he still persists; don't underestimate how inappropriate this is.

I’m going through peri and this has changed me a lot. He doesn’t understand that and just says millions of other women are as well.

Those millions of other women probably don't want to have sex with him either.

AlligatorTears · 22/08/2025 11:56

He wants to go and shag someone else guilt free and see if he can make it permanent or slink back when he’s bored.

AffableApple · 22/08/2025 11:56

Noelshighflyingturds · 22/08/2025 11:04

Don’t tie yourself up in Knotts about this he’s basically having an affair
If he wants to be on his own, let him fuck off

This

steff13 · 22/08/2025 11:55

The silent treatment is abuse and you shouldn't put up with it. But also he does not get in your head and make you shout, you have agency to choose not to shout.

It doesn't sound like either of you are happy so I would say that maybe it's appropriate to call time on the relationship.

Swiftie1878 · 22/08/2025 11:52

boscher · 22/08/2025 11:08

I did think is he seeing or speaking to someone else. I don’t think he is though, he’s always been really against cheating and he wouldn’t have no time to have an affair. When he’s not working away he’s with us all the time. He doesn’t go out often, maybe once a month if that

Don’t kid yourself. He’s having an affair.
During work hours perhaps, but it’s happening.
No man leaves unless there’s someone else waiting in the wings. It’s too much hassle for them.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 22/08/2025 11:52

Whether or not he is having an affair (or planning one) is a total red herring. It is irrelevant.
What really matters is whether @boscher wants to continue in the marriage, or call it quits.

He only touches you sexually, never an affectionate cuddle. He only wants you for sex (and housework and childcare). The love has gone.
I could not bear to live with such a sex-pest.

EvenMoreCrisps · 22/08/2025 11:52

@beAsensible1 he molests OP and refuses to parent or do his share of housework. She is correct in not being fussed.
Getting rid of a terrible boyfriend is cause for joy.

WallaceinAnderland · 22/08/2025 11:49

A break is just code for he has someone else lined up and wants to give it a go.

This ^^

Can't believe you don't know that OP.

beAsensible1 · 22/08/2025 11:48

You have two young kids and are Peri which I assume means you are both older parents. So
knackered? still working full time but feeling the strain on your energy a lot more, not interested in sex or even companionship and probably both just want a month of space without demands or executive function?

are either of you interested in fixing it? Or it mights be easier to end it now while the children are still young? Your posts don’t seem that fussed about the relationship to be honest?

OnceIn · 22/08/2025 11:48

A break = time to shag someone

My ex was dead against cheating and I thought he’d be the last person to cheat, I also thought he’d never have the time either, he was work work work or home. Oh how wrong I was !

EvenMoreCrisps · 22/08/2025 11:46

He sounds rubbish, and zero loss.

Do you own the house? Financially independent?

ComfortFoodCafe · 22/08/2025 11:45

Hes having an affair or planning one.

BauhausOfEliott · 22/08/2025 11:43

It's very, very clear that neither of you are happy in your marriage. You are both miserable and you don't love each other any more. You agree that you are only together 'for the kids' and don't have feelings for one another. You'd be no worse of without him and I'm guessing he wouldn't be worse off without you, either, so for god's sake just bring the marriage to a civilised end where you both agree it's the right thing, rather than dragging it out and resenting each other for it. You're on the same page, by the sound of it; this is the ideal point to end the marriage in an amicable way that works for you all (including the kids).

purplecorkheart · 22/08/2025 11:40

If he is not already having an affair already he is planning on having one hence the break. He will claim he did not cheat on you as you were on a break. However by taking a break he will have a safety net of coming back if things are not greener on the other side.

BlueandPinkSwan · 22/08/2025 11:37

Largeherbivore · 22/08/2025 11:14

He does know what he wants. He wants your permission to go and shag someone else.

A break is just code for he has someone else lined up and wants to give it a go. The question is are you happy with that? I sure as hell wouldn't be.

Tell him to fuck right off. He can either engage with the family and make a go of it or not. He doesn't get your permission to go and sleep around and then get a free pass to come back if and when it suits him.

Totally agree, off you go Joe, close the door behind you.
OP life will be hard at first but you will get through with determination and inner strength you never know you have until you have to.
Do it for your kids, they don't need the confusion or to-ing and fro-ing.

Original poster
boscher · 22/08/2025 11:36

Wfordwife · 22/08/2025 11:31

I could have written your message. My relationship (20yrs together) and have 2 kids although they are a bit older. (12 and 10) We used to have a very good relationship in that we were affectionate and touchy feely but that has all dried up the last few months. Now it's sex (exactly as you describe) maybe once every week or two. I'm not sure if I care and my husband has made comments that he's just here for the kids. We are civil and do get on but are like friends sharing a home at the moment. Going through the motions. I've tried to talk to him but he's giving me nothing. I guess it's up to you to decide what you want to do but if he's checked out it'll be very hard to get him to come back. A lot of people think the grass is greener. Men especially. The reality of family life just doesn't do it for them.

Sorry to hear you are going through this as well.
That’s exactly like us, more like friends now. He’s back today so will just have to see what today brings

OP posts:
Noelshighflyingturds · 22/08/2025 11:32

Wfordwife · 22/08/2025 11:31

I could have written your message. My relationship (20yrs together) and have 2 kids although they are a bit older. (12 and 10) We used to have a very good relationship in that we were affectionate and touchy feely but that has all dried up the last few months. Now it's sex (exactly as you describe) maybe once every week or two. I'm not sure if I care and my husband has made comments that he's just here for the kids. We are civil and do get on but are like friends sharing a home at the moment. Going through the motions. I've tried to talk to him but he's giving me nothing. I guess it's up to you to decide what you want to do but if he's checked out it'll be very hard to get him to come back. A lot of people think the grass is greener. Men especially. The reality of family life just doesn't do it for them.

As a single woman on online Dating, we meet them all the time
You ask them why their relationship with their wife and the mother of the children broke up and they all come out with the same bonkers nonsense that they just grew apart. It’s absolute crap.
They just couldn’t be bothered to work at a relationship and then tries to make out that they would be bothered to work at one with you but they don’t. They just go from one more stand to another.

Wfordwife · 22/08/2025 11:31

I could have written your message. My relationship (20yrs together) and have 2 kids although they are a bit older. (12 and 10) We used to have a very good relationship in that we were affectionate and touchy feely but that has all dried up the last few months. Now it's sex (exactly as you describe) maybe once every week or two. I'm not sure if I care and my husband has made comments that he's just here for the kids. We are civil and do get on but are like friends sharing a home at the moment. Going through the motions. I've tried to talk to him but he's giving me nothing. I guess it's up to you to decide what you want to do but if he's checked out it'll be very hard to get him to come back. A lot of people think the grass is greener. Men especially. The reality of family life just doesn't do it for them.

Ohlifelife · 22/08/2025 11:24

I did think is he seeing or speaking to e else. I don’t think he is though, he’s always been really against cheating and he wouldn’t have no time to have an affair.

As other pp have pointed out it's the ones who are most vocally against cheating that tend to be the ones that cheat.
And if he is working away I would suggest he has plenty of opportunity to be having sex with other women- possibly even sex workers if not a proper relationship with someone.
Even if he isnt cheating i dont see any positives in this relationship for you. No affection and just seeing you as a sex provider is a pretty horrible type of relationship.