DP wants a break doesn’t know what he wants

Are you absolutely sure you still want to be with him, or is it habit and fear of not being with him? It might be worth taking some time, forget about what he's thinking, and really think instead about what you want. Exactly what you want. Then you can come back the table aware that you're not going to settle for less than that.

I think you should have a break. You should go and stay with friends and leave him to sort all the house and kids stuff for a week. Let him see how hard it is.

Both me and my husband travel with work. We both do extra when we're around, both before and after, to try and minimise the impact on the other as we know that working, sorting everything in the house, taking kids to hobbies etc is so intense. So for example my husband will do my share of pick ups and drop offs for a few days if he is going away so I can catch up with stuff beforehand. He will often do extra for the people we lift share with as well so they can then do more when he is away. I will do some batch cooking for him if I'm going to be away for a few days. I think it's shit that your husband works away but then does nothing when he is back. So his contribution is financial and he works a certain number of hours. But you're expected to contribute financially, and do everything in the house, and do everything with the kids...even on days when you're both working or both off? I think that's fundamentally unfair.

I'm not sure what a break will achieve. I think if you agree to it you should have very clear conditions and expectations about what you want to achieve. Have a break where you both go away for a few days to think. And tell him you love him but the resentment of doing everything plus being expected to have sex without affecting is going to kill your relationship. If there is any chance of this relationship surviving you need him to commit to:

• x chores around the house
• x for childcare (involvement in hobbies, getting up early, family days out etc)
• you getting x days to yourself when he is around to do a hobby etc
• him organising a date night for you every second Wednesday or whatever including organising a babysitter
• him showing you affection without any sexual motive or expectation of sex
• constructive discussions about how you will split finances and child contact time if you both decide to split.

I'd use your time to investigate possibilities eg have an appointment with a solicitor, look into any benefits you may be entitled to, look into possible mortgages or rentals in the area you want to live etc

Basically you will be better off if you split as you will no longer be resentful, you will get a break every other weekend - nothing much changes for you as you do everything anyway and will still get a financial contribution from him. He will have to do a lot more than he does now, if he lives by himself.

If he is avoiding speaking to you - I would be pressing him very clearly is he seeing someone else. Ask it calmly - you need to know.

I think it's slightly different @RhaenysRocks - the OP is being told to set her own boundaries and not just be pulled along by what this man is suggesting.

Men respond to clear boundaries and knowing that they risk losing their partner - they do not respect women who cry and beg and plead and allow them to have their cake and eat it.

The man in these situations needs to be given clear consequences - ie. if you want this to work, we need to spend time together - if you want this to work, I need a break you need to pull your weight

of course a couple with young children. need to put work in

but 'allowing' him to dick about, move out, spend time alone and not asking for commitment back or therapy time etc is not good either.

If you don't want the relationship to end, then don't cut your nose off to spite your face by ending it completely.

I would agree to the break and work out how you can do it in a way that disrupts the kids the least.
Set rules like no seeing other people etc and how long it will be for and how often you will meet up etc.

Life is too short to be unhappy and so many couples waste their lives because they're too afraid of change.

actually I think this is a good example of the subject of a thread recently about people giving up too easily and MN posters encouraging someone to LTB when it might be fixable. OP has said she doesnt want to leave, they have two v young kids and she has no "Spidey sense," of someone else. 18 months ago they were good. OP, outwith any further developments, you need some child free time to talk calmly, give him some info about peri and tell him he needs to accept and listen to what you are saying. Maybe you need to look at the overall logistics of both of your lives and redistribute some things, find some child free time to reconnect.

Remember to set your boundaries/ expectations from the relationship - don't let it be him driving it.

Don't let this be him 'deciding' whether or not 'he ' wants a break or 'he' wants to make it work. This puts you on the back foot and let's him have his cake and eat it

You could say you also want a break while he thinks about whether he can do the work that YOU need from him

I'm afraid I would suspect he is considering sleeping with someone else if not already doing it - as men don't walk away to be on their own.

Oh dear @boscher you do sound very naive, assuming your DP couldn't possibly be having an affair. All of his behaviour is screaming 'affair.'

There isn't a soul alive who 'doesn't have time for an affair.' He is absolutely seeing someone else, and you need to get your ducks in a row, because even though you say you want to make it work, and want to be with him, and you love him etc, he may not feel the same.

Why did you never get married? You will have way less rights and claim on anything of his. He sounds dreadful to be honest. Good luck. I'm sorry you are going through this. He is definitely cheating though - OR has met another woman and is planning on cheating (soon.)

Fabulous, make sure to enjoy yourself.

Enjoy yourself even more knowing that he's playing on your feelings to frighten you into thinking he will follow through on a separation and that hes banking on you hating being alone whilst knowing he is hating the sole responsibility for the kids.

When he comes back, thank him, tell him it was just what you needed and clearly he did a great job with the kids and that the upcoming weekend away is a good soft launch for a permanent separation and so he should have them again then to start establishing that weekend routine and you can discuss how and when to tell them when you get back.

Get on the front foot if you want some credible negotiating power to put the willies up him that this will be his life.

They generally find out the grass is no greener

and this is him setting the pattern of him having the children every other weekend...

Usual thing on MN. The bloke has heard its a shagfest out in the wild. Your choice OP. He already has one foot out of the door

isn't that a coincidence that his flat has become free for this weekend - does he airb&b it

do you believe he will come home after the weekend or do you think he may just drop off the children

and then he has the ' break '

OP, the behaviour you’re describing is usually because there’s another woman on the scene/in the wings. The are, of course, exceptions to the rule.

I agree that a break to have space or cool off is different to a break that “allows” you to see other people.

Step back from your feelings and see this for what it is: a power struggle.

Of course he doesn't want to live alone and have to parent his kids every other weekend.

What he wants is for you to panic and make concessions that benefit him without having to make a jot more effort.

He doesn't get a break. He's in or out and here are your terms for both so he has a week to make a choice.

Fuck him.

Since when does being tired cause someone to grab someone else's genitals? He's disgusted at being denied the sex he feels entitled to and is punishing the OP for it. Don't make excuses for him.

Cheaters allllllllllways say they are “very against cheating “ —its a well known “tell.” Faithful people don’t need to make windy moral pronouncements about their faithfulness because they aren’t thinking about cheating in the first place.

My husband had no time for an affair either.

Twat.

Staying for the sake of the children is crap. Wrong. Stupid. When they find out they'll feel guilty, all you're doing is showing them how not to have a good relationship and making their childhood a lie.

But if he's working away frequently, that is a break, and time to think about things.
How exactly does he envisage this break working? Him taking more time out from family and the DC while you get on with it all?
I'd suggest you have a break as well, a weekend or 2 away, leaving him with the DC, while you recharge. Specify whether a break means free to see other people or not.
Sorry, I'm being a bit facetious here, I agree with everyone else that a "break" is code for shagging someone else, or wanting to end it but not having the gumption to say so.

He's cheating on you. Sorry you don't want to hear that.

“He works long hours, I work part time plus do all childcare and everything in the house. He does nothing except work.

Sigh…

To be honest this was the situation with me, my ex despised anyone capable of cheating, apart from having 1 hobby he came straight home after work and we did everything together. He still left me for someone else. Not saying this is the case for you but nothing surprises me anymore

So both take a break and work out whst you want t to have changed

so for you I think you need your role to be appreciated and seen as real. Him to step up and help and not just have his big job and understand that he needs to make changes too

the constant touching needs to stop as well sex needs to reset as well.

put your side forward because a break needs to be for both of you