DP wants a break doesn’t know what he wants

"Doesn't know what he wants" translates into he wants to give it a try with someone else, whilst holding you in reserve as a backup plan if it doesn't work out with her.

Tell him ok to the break, then quietly get your ducks in a row and disengage financially from him. He'll be spending on her, so just start divorce proceedings, you need that financial separation.

He's a sex pest and emotionally abusive, he's not going to play fair, so don't bother discussing next steps with him. Just get on with what needs doing. Transferring half the money into your sole account, getting the paperwork for his pension, payslips, and other savings and investments, getting the house valued, finding marriage certificate and solicitor for yourself etc.

You can believe his version of a break if you want.

You probably shouldn't.

I think you’re both exhausted, fed up and don’t talk to each other any more. I would recommend couples counselling to start with, before rushing into a divorce. Counselling doesn’t come cheap but divorce is costlier.

Agree with this. I don’t think you should throw away a 20 year relationship, especially when there are young kids involved, without seeing if you can work through things first!

I think couples either stick it out and work on their problems or they give up on the relationship. Taking a 'break' from one another isn't going to help anything. How could it? I suppose once in a thousand times you could both realise that you miss one another dreadfully when you're apart, but more likely it's just the first step to breaking up entirely.

That said, he doesn't sound particularly great, anyway. Doesn't want to put in the work to maintain intimacy in your relationship or lighten your load, isn't sympathetic or understanding of the physical changes you're experiencing. Putting perimenopause aside, of course things change when you have two young children to care for! Relationships change with the phases of your life, and he's vastly unreasonable to expect you to be the same as you were before.

Agree to the break and get your ducks in a row. Sounds like he doesn't like you much. Sounds like there's not much to like about him. Nothing to say to you? Neither do you to him.

Retrieve financial information.
Draft child contact proposal.
Make plan to accommodate you and children.

Who cares who else he is trying to bore to death? Live a happy life. Serve him once you've got your stuff sorted. Takes 2 seconds online. Pay the 500, worth it. Once you hit send you're divorced within 6 months. You can do the financial separation after this.

He already spends alot of time away from you OP. (2 weeks a month) Is that not enough of a break? I think he's either already decided he wants out and doesnt have the balls to tell it to you straight, so is 'soft' launching him leaving you with this break.

Or he wants to sleep with someone else without having to feel guilty as you were on a break.

If you do have a break you need to have a clear conversation about what that means. Don't assume he knows sleeping with other people isn't acceptable, tell him it is. His reaction to that should let you know how he really feels.

Also ignoring you for most of the week and then grabbing your genitals expecting you to fall into bed with him is vile 🤢 You're a person not a hole for him to fill. You need to make that clear too.

If you agree to the break make clear that does not involve either or you seeing new people and that would be a dealbreaker. It is just a break from family life stresses etc. Also insist on couple counselling.
He has to want to fix things and work on them, it won’t make any difference if he thinks this is just a you problem. I have seen couples come back from the brink but only where they both really put effort in and often made a significant life change eg changing job to reduce pressure.
But you are also perfectly entitled to say if you need a break to decide if you want us to be together then I deserve better and don’t come back.
The silent treatment is abusive it doesnt shout I want to make an effort to fix things.
How is life when he’s away? Is it a relief he’s not there?

He's literally away

sounds like mine, I'm right off sex due to peri and I my moods have been all over the place, so I do take some responsibility

we have arguments every so often and I can understand it cause it can be 6 weeks since we were last intimate, and its him that makes all the moves, i'm not really interested anymore. also like you though, theres no foreplay which doesn't help. If he gives me a cuddle his hands start to wander, I keep saying maybe if he showed more affection some of the time I might be more open to sex

mine also doesn't see everything i do from the minute i get up with 3 adult children in the house, to the minute I sit down when he gets in and then huffs he has to put a washing load in because i had not got round to it.

for what it's worth I don't think yours is having an affair, i think he is probably just fed up. feel free to DM me if you want to chat as it sounds like we have it very similar

In my 30 years also of interacting with men I’ve discovered that actually that’s all They want you could live in an absolute shit hole contribute nothing And they do absolutely anything for you as long as you put out a couple of times a week

He’s having an affair. These posts come up all the time and they’re virtually identical. One partner doesn’t want sex - other partner seeks it elsewhere. Next he’ll be telling you he loves you but he’s not in love with you. If you can, check his phone.

I think the majority of the "advice" on here is very reactive and completely wrong.

You've given us your perspective - without the other it's impossible to comment properly either way.

Marriages take a lot of hard work, particularly when there are two young children and long working hours involved, and its easy for things to slip to the point you've got to now.

It sounds like couples counselling could be the most appropriate way forward for you.

I agree I would suspect someone else.
It doesn’t sound like you love him so I think get rid tbh!

You sound so miserable, you're at a hard time of life and he's only adding to your misery. Seriously, you're giving him far too much of your power here, you need to put yourself first.

In a nutshell, if life with you is that bad for him then he can fuck all the way off. The grass might not be greener for him but I guarantee it will be for you.

If he wants a break then give him a break but I would be showing him the harsh reality of what being a single parent would be like and not making it easy for him.

If he’s away for two weeks then he has them the two weeks he’s back.

You give him everything a man could want. Love, children, childcare, a home, all the housework. What more could be possibly want? Apart from sex.

If he leaves, what does he gain? He loses everything. But he gains the opportunity for sex.

Men very, very rarely leave a comfortable setup where all their needs are catered for. Unless it’s for sex.

He works away about 50% of the time and has a flat that, according to him, has only JUST become free for him to stay in.

Sorry OP, it’s incredibly difficult to believe this isn’t about another woman.

I think if he wants a ‘break’ he needs to move out properly, negotiate childcare arrangements, you stop doing everything for him and he’ll be rethinking pretty fast. Be very clear about what the terms are.

I'd be telling him to bugger off permanently. He sounds like a disgusting creep.

Cherchez la femme. Seriously. Protesting about how much he hates cheaters is a red flag. Men can find a way to cheat whatever the situation. Everything you have said points to an affair. I’m sorry. But first, what do YOU want from your life? Think about that then go and do it. You want a loving and understanding husband? Go and find one, it just isn’t your current one. What do you want your life to look like in 6 months, a year, 5 years? Go and make it happen. For you. Because no one else will. Put your energy into you and not someone who is treating you poorly

I do agree that any break should not be him checking out for a family free monthly or two leaving the OP to single parent. A break from the relationship is one thing but he doesn't get to just dump everything. If he wants a taste of what divorced dadding looks like, he needs to kids 50/50 and doing their washing, taking them to an appointment all of it.

Affair came to mind when reading this. Could just be an emotional affair at this stage. Might be wrong though we don’t know the whole situation.

He works long hours, I work part time plus do all childcare and everything in the house.

This is something you also should revamp if the two of you are going to stay together. It can be really difficult to compare unlike jobs, but look for the efficiencies - just for example, being home more vs out more can impact who can more easily do certain household tasks like laundry or shopping. If you stay part time and he full, you'll logically end up with more than 50% of the housework and childcare, but he should also be doing half of what needs to be done when he's not working. One way to measure it is that each of you should end up with roughly the same amount of leisure time in a typical week. Also, there are serious career benefits to working full rather than part time, so it's not all one-way benefit to you that he "does" more; you're also making a big sacrifice.

Yeah this. ^ I wonder if the OP is scared of being alone with the children, and being with her DP is a habit. With the way he behaves/is behaving, I can't imagine why she would want to stay with him.