DP wants a break doesn’t know what he wants

IME when men leave or want a break, it’s because there’s someone else. Not all the time of course, but more often than not. If that’s the case here, no amount of reasonable discussion will change things. He is deliberately (whether consciously or not) creating a misery in your relationship because it will give him the narrative that everything is awful and therefore he had to leave. It’s a justification to make him feel better about leaving.

Ultimately, however, it doesn’t matter. Your response should be the same. You don’t beg him to stay, nor do
you accuse him of having an affair. You simply state that while you want it to work and are prepared to work on that (e.g. marriage counselling), it takes two to make a marriage work, so until he decides that’s what he wants too, it’s better that he leaves until he’s figured it out. Your DC deserve better than living in an atmosphere such as this.

This removes the power from him. You may find you actually prefer having him gone.

Honestly, you both seem really unhappy. If you are only together because of the children then you need to spilt. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS AND YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED!
He clearly isn't making you feel the way you should be feeling and that isn't fair on you and also not fair on your children in the long run.
They would much rather a happy mummy and a happy Daddy than 2 parents who are just not getting along. I imagine you are terrified of being on your own too as you've been with him for so much of your life but you have got this.
Tell him exactly how he has made you feel and then go from there is what I would advise. Good luck xx

You have a lot of chatching up to do.

The rules have changed, you are viewing your marriage through the old rules, you are rightfully upset that your relationship has taken a nosedive in the past year.

You have been placed into a situation whereby you are pissed off and expecting better, you have been devalued, maybe this break you think will help because I'm not caring too much about him at present and taking the children makes him still look involved.

The thing is you don't realise you are dealing with an unknown force that has made your relationship dwindle.

He's got other plans, cherchez la femme.

I'm sorry but you are going to become angry at some point, protect yourself and your family. he's a bad un.

But you weren't the one asking for time alone. He was.
Now he's having a weekend with the kids to give you time to think? What does he want you to think about?

Having the kids for the weekend in an apartment it almost sounds like he's having a trial run for 50/50 to see what it would be like.

And you've just come back from annual family holiday where everything was fine? So needing a "break" like a break from work/routine.. has already been had.

But he now as an apartment which is vacant.

His explanation's don't make sense. You need to ask for franker answers.

This is what I was going to say.
The DC will meet Daddy's friend NannyMcFanny, who he's been shagging for the last year and a half.

How can you say he's got no time to cheat? He works away. He's got all the time to cheat when he's not with you. I wouldn't be surprised if he's been having an affair for some time and this weekend whilst staying at the flat your DC will be introduced to some or other "friend" who just happens to be female.

People are suggesting they spend more time with each other to connect but the problem seems to be that he DOESN'T want that. He just wants sex.

Unfortunately i also think hes already planning a full exit and planning or having an affair.

But it's not unreasonable for you not to want to jump to conclusions. Ask.him what this "break" consists of. Ask him if, or this break, he is open notmjuat to thinking about whether he can live with your "faults", but whether he is willing to consider his own. Ask him whether as part of this break you can agree 50/50 re children so that you have the same time to consider the relationship. Syggest that prior to this break you both wrote down your key issues and things you find difficult with the other one and then share it, with the goal of coming together in counselling to discuss.

The answers to those questions will tell you a great deal.

If someone I was with needed some time away to think about whether we had a future together, then that’s the answer. There’s no future. What’s the boundaries during this break? Can he message others? Can you? Is sleeping around acceptable? Or are you expected to put your life on hold until he makes a decision?
I’m sorry, but life is far too short to be waiting around for some kind of ‘pick me’ moment. If he doesn’t want to be with you, which clearly - he does not (else he’d be with you), then he should just bugger off & stop with the head f*ck of ‘time to think’.

I also think you’re in a habit, but you don’t sound like you like each other much and tbh, he’s a sex pest. Early on in my relationship, my then DP was all about it always leading to sex, I had words, he’s been far more respectful since and not every touch is sexual. That would give me the major ick.

‘ I want things to be how they used to be’

How many women say that? I know I did. Stupidly

That won’t happen. That man is gone. He has changed and will not change back. He’s loved you, devalued you and is now discarding you. You need to get your head round that.
If he hasn’t already been with other women, which I doubt, he has one lined up. They usually find someone before dumping the current one.

And mine cried tears for half an hour swearing he’d never cheat, how could I think it, I was the One. He’d been cheating since the day we met, 7 years before, with several and had 3 on the go at the time of the tears. All his work meetings, funerals, business trips involved at least one gf. The louder they shout against cheating, the more they’re telling you what they’ll do.
They are only against you cheating

He works away. He has every opportunity. Don't be so gullible.

I think if he is having an affair like others have suggested then it's over.

But if he isn't...

It's just seems a shame that you said your relationship and sex life was fine about a year ago. I think it sounds like you don't make enough time for each other. You're not going to feel like having sex with each other if you don't have spend time connecting with each other.

It depends if you are committed to being together. If you want to be with each other but you both feel unhappy at the moment and want to work on it then I'd consider couples therapy.

But to be honest I don't believe in going on a break. You're either committed or you aren't and if you need to go on "a break" to test that then you aren't committed.

He's a devious bastard isn't he.

He's already gone love.

Life with kids is tough. Long marriages are tough.

I asked my DH’s grandmother what the secret was to a long happy marriage as she was married 50 years and she said it’s to accept that it won’t always be happy.

You say things haven’t been great for 18months but that’s really not all that long in the grand scheme of things. Especially when contending with raising young children.

If I were you I would try to find someone to take the children for a long weekend and spend some time together as a couple. And that doesn’t mean just shagging all weekend. But give yourselves time away from the house, the laundry, the kids, the chores to just be with each other and talk and connect.

Then see how you both feel. It will take both of you to want to stay together and work through the tough times.

In the office you can spot the guys who cheat because they decorate their desks with pictures of their wife and family.

100%

My ex was always vocal about his dad who cheated and left his mum with 3 kids - he would NEVER do it.

Am sure you know the rest ...

Another possibility.

You are already the 'other woman' and he has another family when he's working away. Maybe even a wife - why you've never married?

This was the situation with a friend of mine - 5 children and she discovered, after 18 years, he had a parallel life, mirror image, with another woman. She thought he was just working away 2 weeks a month too.

There was a crisis of some sort so he needed to spend more time with the other family and it all was revealed.

Seems like he's only interested in his dick so set it free.

You say you'd be no worse off without him. That speaks volumes.

Honestly op, in your shoes, I'd say let's call it a day then. He sounds like a neanderthal and it doesn't sound as though there's enough there for you to fight for.

I totally agree. I find it so weird. I like people! I like the connection I form with friends, family and partners.

I don't think men feel that way on the whole.

Most of them want sex first and foremost, that's their deal-breaker. After a while when the novelty wears off, they CBA to put any effort into that either. They do basically just want a hole to fill, gross as that is. They get lazy and women start to feel used, because they are being used.

Men like the maid service of living with someone who can't stand lounging around in filth, so cleans up more than they do, but that's not a deal-breaker for them. They like laundry done and food miraculously appearing in the fridge, but they'd sort those things themselves if they had to. They aren't even grateful. The more you do, the more they take you for granted and start to feel (and act!) hard done by if you dare to get ill for a week and slack off while you recover.

They want the readymade company that comes with having a partner and children at home, but they don't actually care who those people are. So long as the children behave themselves and the partner puts out regularly, those people could be anyone. These men aren't interested in the connection with those particular people or any people, most of them don't seem to really have friends in the way women often do either.

Getting a family is like renting a flat or buying a sofa, to them. Necessities that makes life better, easier, more pleasant - but no real emotional connection there, so easy to discard if a problem crops up.

I don't think it matters whether or not you agree with it.

If he gives me a cuddle his hands start to wander

I hate this so much. I used to be in a relationship like this where any sign of affection was taken as a green light to try it on. It was nauseating. And I left.

Cherchez la femme, cherchez la femme.

Not to minimise OP, but post like this are so depressing, men who don't want the reality of normal life, and the way they are all basically sex pests and just expect us all to jump into bed after being groped at the kitchen sink, and apportion the blame into us when they do fuck all to help or be supportive.
I have no advice, but will say I never want to be in a relationship again and I am grateful every day I am happy alone.