To not go to a birthday party 3 weeks post partum?

They were probably disappointed as were hoping to see you and New baby. Not that that trumps the fact you weren't feeling 100%! I just meant they were hoping to see you both, rather than surprised when you changed your mind about attending.

And let me guess - he probably would have just chatted away (beverage in hand - does he drink and would have expected you to drive too?) while you were left nursing/ soothing/ changing the baby for the duration of the visit? (With fake smile plastered on your face being forced to make small talk)

Definitely a dick move on his part. My first baby absolutely floored me. Like you, a difficult birth and took ages to get the hang of breastfeeding. At three weeks I looked well but was still crying in pain every time I tried to feed, and had to use shields so couldn't do it in any way discreetly. Barely left the house for the first few weeks apart from for medical appointments and walks with the pram. We congratulated ourselves for just making it to Starbucks on my husband's birthday!
It gets easier, but give yourself as much grace and slack as you can in those first few weeks while you are learning how to do this and getting used to being tired and weepy!

If your not ready your not ready!!

my first baby I was ill for 6-8 weeks, dizzy/fainting spells etc DH had to take extended paternity leave because I couldn’t be left on my own. had a massive falling out with a family member because I didn’t attend his party 5 weeks PP. I nearly died given birth he said I was dramatic and I needed to “crack on”

I think your DH needs a serious think about what you have just put your body through

Sit the bugger down and tell him. Tell him that you know you seem to be okay, that you look okay and that you will be back to something resembling your normal self eventually. But childbirth is the biggest physical and emotional upheaval of your life and you don't give any sort of a fuck what his timeline is for your recovery.

It's a shock. I remember one day feeling genuinely well many months down the line after my first and I'd forgotten what it felt like, I hadn't realised the toll it had taken on me. Do what you feel like.

Was he at the birth?

I had a relatively straightforward birth but DH was horrified by what I had been through!!!

It’s not called helping - it’s PARENTING!! Annoys the shit out of me people saying oh so and so husband is so good “helping” change the nappies etc - and why shouldn’t he?!?! It’s his child too!! He should be not only doing 50% of the parenting but also supporting his wife who’s grown and given birth to this baby!

Why is he only helping if you “can’t cope”? He should be doing his fair share regardless and not only be stepping in when you start to struggle.

There are some cultures in that it is custom for the new mom to rest and stay home with the new baby for a period of confinement and I kind of wish we had this here. I literally had to get up the next day and get on with life, my mother in law was getting married and I was expected to attend even though she knew my due date she was rather put out that I waited until the day before to give birth. I actually passed out whilst photos were being taken and got accused of being attention seeking. Honestly I should have left this family then but what I’m trying to say is that giving birth is yes a natural wonderful thing but it’s also a traumatic exhausting thing then our bodies have to adjust to feed and care for a child outside after growing it inside for 9 months. No offence to any man but their 5 minutes of work doesn’t really compare so when they come moaning at us, maybe offer to close their manhood in a door a few times and then see if they feel like being sociable 😜

This sounds awful. His behaviour sounds absolutely horrible.

Regardless of whether or not he is good in other ways, I hope he can be made to understand the trauma you have been through. Do you think he would listen if you tried to spell it? Or have you already tried - not that you should have to? (Assuming he was there at the birth, by the way, you would have hoped he would just naturally get it!!)

One piece of advice from a great-aunt one morning, a few weeks after I had my baby, and I joyfully told her I was well enough and had managed to cook dinner: Do not tell him you are well again. Even if you feel well right now, don't tell him and fake still feeling tired and in pain. Men take that statement and run with it and think OK nothing more for me to do now, she's fine.

Oooh how right she was. I had a breakdown around 8 weeks because DH had stopped doing stuff because he could see how well I was coping. It NEVER occurred to him that I was powering through and actually I still need help. Seriously. Men don't go through a c section, they don't realize just how long recovery is, and they take what you say at face value. So tell him you're in pain and go back to bed.

@Biscuit94

What an absolute prick!

You had a traumatic birth & a raging infection just 3wks ago & are breast feeding constantly while simultaneously trying to heal & recover. 'People' were probably asking where you were purely because they're selfish twats & were just wanting to coo over the baby. Also, a room full of people incl. undoubtedly germy kids, is not really the best place for a 3wk old baby at the best of times!!

Good for you for not going - show your husband these replies!! He needs to up his game & have your back.

The other guests were probably surprised to see your H there and wondering why he hadn't stayed home with you.

That guy should totally have your back but in any case, I’ll bet no one was surprised you weren’t there, he’s just trying to make you feel bad. Terrible behaviour and I hope it improves.

He's a dick

Quite.

Your partner is a prick. And no one would be surprised, he’s just a stupid, selfish cunt who for some reason wants to make you feel bad.

Is he awful in other ways? I bet he is.

Sorry OP but your partner is a complete arse! You're recovering from a traumatic birth, mastitis and still establishing breastfeeding! If he doesn't actually understand the physical, mental and emotional demands that are on your plate, he needs to be told very firmly that he doesn't have a fucking clue. He should be looking after you and helping as much as he can, not demanding you go to some crappy party 😡

Your birth story is similar to mine - I didn't even leave the house for 6 weeks!
Also, I can guarantee none of them were surprised that you weren't there. He's just being a selfish prick

He's being rediculous.

YANBU, my brothers 40th was 4 weeks after I gave birth. I didn’t go and neither did my DH and I don’t think anyone was remotely surprised.

Your baby was 3 weeks old! And you, extremely understandly and expectedly weren't feeling great. It wouldn't practically work for you with breastfeeding.... and you also didn't want to go.

Nobody could be surprised at all. Even if they were, your partners role when he returned was to ask how you both were and what he can do to help, especially as he has had a break himself.

Don't give it another thought. My hormones were also all over the place when I had my babies, as well as the sleep deprivation- it made me question things I otherwise wouldn't have.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Nobody was surprised. He’s bull shitting

I woild not have gone. No bloody way

Regardless of the reason - if you don't want to go you don't want to go. You don't have to justify it. However I expect they were not particularly surprised and just making small talk.