Summer Holiday Burn Out

Wornout82 · 2025-08-21T17:33:31+00:00

I am completely at breaking point. I am a SAHM to a very hyper toddler who has been off nursery for almost 5 weeks now. We likely all have ADHD to varying degrees - she spends all talking and singing loudly, dragging her heels about going out and just frying my brain. It feels like I am stuck in a circular loop with so much continuous noise. My partner who works in the legal field has refused to take a single day off during her break from nursery claiming his job is too important and there is too much work to do. He also seems to think it’s not an issue because I went home for two weeks. Am I unreasonable in thinking that even people in stressful jobs take the occasional day or week off during the school holidays to spend with their child and give their partner some relief? I get complete sensory overload from a hyper toddler all day to him finishing work and talking like he’s been storing every thought he had for the day to release all at once. I want to try and organise some freelance/part time work for September but my brain is so fried by the evening when he finishes work that I have nothing left in my battery. I have tried to talk to him but he says I am being unreasonable and I don’t understand because I don’t work (as if I didn’t work and earn more than him in the past). When I counter that I have worked and minding a hyper active clingy three year old all day every day without a break is more exhausting he tells me that I have never had a job as hard as him (which is bs imo). I honestly feel he is killing any chance I have to restart my career by putting his own job ahead of us.

Harpyloula · 22/08/2025 15:27

i feel your pain on the burn out. I’m 8 weeks postpartum with my fourth DC with three others at home (2,4 and 8). My DH has worked 7 day weeks since he went back after a weeks paternity leave so this summer holidays has been a killer. Dodgy weather, newborn phase and it being borderline impossible to find something to please everyone has drained the life out of me!

gingercat02 · 22/08/2025 09:28

We always have 2 weeks off as a family in the summer holidays. Whether we go "on holiday" or not. Sounds like your H doesn't want to spend time with his family.
I work flexitime so I always have a few random days off too, like today, even though DS is 17 and still in bed

Wishihadanalgorithm · 22/08/2025 09:20

Friday, once he’s finished work, hand him your DC and head off to a hotel and don’t come back until late on Sunday. Let him do everything and don’t respond to any texts or phone calls.

Let him know you’re safe but she’s all on him now.

When you’re back, inform him this will happen every week unless he steps up.

I think your child should be in a nursery all year round and you should go back to work. He steps up or faces the consequences.

Original poster

Wornout82 · 22/08/2025 09:14

HowToTrainYourDragonfruit · 22/08/2025 08:42

crosspost with OP - i completely validate you, him doing bedtime in a stressful angry way is worse than nothing.

Also- ADHD is genetic. Your DH...

is a workaholic
with a workaholic father
doesn't plan to take his holiday through the year and is left rolling it over
superserves his work by hyperfocus
gets overwhelmed easily at home and can't do complex tasks requiring subtle shifts of focus (like bedtime)
didn't leave the house until 3pm on a day when he was meant to go out in an organised fashion with your child
demands your attention, by talking at you for a long time in the evenings
is very sensitive to criticism and can't see how he could live or behave differently.

I would go to your GP and get DD on the list for ADHD assessments it might take 3 years for CAMHS to get her to the top of the list.

In the meantime I would read up about ADHD (and indeed AuDHD) as it can often be a whole family learning experience. It won't be a quick process.

Gradually you might find that she can get help which might also enable him to look at himself too.

Yes I have shared information with him on ADHD as he definitely has time blindness and hyperfocus and everything at home is just a bit chaotic with him. He accepts that it could explain a lot. His dad is very unlike him in that regard - his house is immaculate, everything is organised and has a place - it looks like a show house. No one leaves a pen on a table, everything must go back into its designated spot or there will be upset. He finds my partners mess and disorganisation a lot when we visit.

There is likely ADHD in my family too though everyone is a high achiever my brother is going through adult assessments at the moment, my mum is brilliant and accomplished but pure chaos energy (and my dad likely has undiagnosed ASD). I think we probably are all a bit ND in our family though high functioning. Reading about ADHD paralysis really struck a chord with me as I do get sensory overload, I also have internalised hyperactivity and hyperfocused on jobs a lot in my pre parenting days but I was also quite organised and have many qualities that do not fit the ADHD mould. I also have well honed ways to combat things like lower attention span so most people would not know I struggle to take everything in at meetings or talks (write everything down, lots of water, pinch yourself).

I was listening to a woman on the radio who is head of an ADHD assessment centre who said that she thinks half the population are probably ND in various degrees but the question is if it is at a point where it impacts your life. She was strongly encouraging adults with mild symptoms not to get diagnosed unless it is impacting yours life as the waiting lists are so long and they are struggling to assess people who really need it.

OP posts:

FriedFalafels · 22/08/2025 09:09

It sounds like you’re really struggling. In our house we don’t have the luxury of taking time off to give the other a reprieve - there is no stay at home parent either. I get 4.5 weeks leave and DP is self employed - if he isn’t working, the business isn’t operating. Holidays are a juggle of running a business 7 days per week and the other parent working full time whilst trying to minimise the amount of holiday club we use as our ND child doesn’t enjoy it and keeping business operating

I would suggest teaching quiet time. Start with 5 minutes and build up. I came across it through BusyToddler on instagram. I worked during lockdown with no childcare with a similar age child and this was a lifesaver for me.

HarrietBond · 22/08/2025 08:59

LegoHouse274 · 22/08/2025 08:48

This OP is a SAHM to one preschooler who goes to nursery at least some of the time in term time. I think it does depend how much nursery the child does - very different if they're there 5 days a week Vs just 2 mornings for example. But if the child is going more than a few half days a week I don't think it's a big deal that they have to care for them for a few weeks in between terms as they'll have time to themselves in term time.

That being said the DH still sounds like an uncaring partner and what else is his annual leave even for if it's not to spend time with his child and family??

I think the bigger issues here are relating to the DH's attitude and overall nature, what does he even bring to the relationship OP other than cash?

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There is no rest though - a few hours for nursery is not enough if you have a high needs child to care for more or less by yourself the rest of the time. A lot of people do solo parenting because they HAVE to. OP doesn't.

PeonyPatch · 22/08/2025 08:58

Cherryrac · 22/08/2025 08:54

He can, he doesnt want to. He could talk to you about it and book leave months in advance if it genuinely is an issue (honestly dont believe hes that indispensable that he cant possibly take time off).

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Most definitely a choice. I’ve worked with lawyers before both men and women and many of them take leave to be with their children and even travel as a family in the summer and through out other holidays in the year. He doesn’t sound the most family orientated.

Cherryrac · 22/08/2025 08:54

Wornout82 · 22/08/2025 08:44

Yes! I have said that to him! He said he would take a few days off in the summer once he looked at his diary but every time I asked he said his team was too busy so finding time to book off is hard! He was supposed to take a half day today and he told me a week ago he might just be able to take two hours off to take her to her swimming lessons as he is swamped, then he told me last night he couldn’t take the time as everyone else on his team had booked leave so someone needs to be covering which is when I totally lost it. His child free colleagues are taking leave but he can’t possibly. They are all doing the same job, sharing the same work load but he can’t take days. He used to have a colleague who booked almost every Friday and Monday off during the summer (using her 2 days toil a month too) but he did the same job as her and couldn’t book leave.

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He can, he doesnt want to. He could talk to you about it and book leave months in advance if it genuinely is an issue (honestly dont believe hes that indispensable that he cant possibly take time off).

PeonyPatch · 22/08/2025 08:53

LegoHouse274 · 22/08/2025 08:48

This OP is a SAHM to one preschooler who goes to nursery at least some of the time in term time. I think it does depend how much nursery the child does - very different if they're there 5 days a week Vs just 2 mornings for example. But if the child is going more than a few half days a week I don't think it's a big deal that they have to care for them for a few weeks in between terms as they'll have time to themselves in term time.

That being said the DH still sounds like an uncaring partner and what else is his annual leave even for if it's not to spend time with his child and family??

I think the bigger issues here are relating to the DH's attitude and overall nature, what does he even bring to the relationship OP other than cash?

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A 5 week streak is a long time and she needs some time off to break it up or at least share some of the burden with her partner.

Cherryrac · 22/08/2025 08:52

Why is the nursery so far away? Is there any option for year round? Its a shame he doesnt want to spend time with you all, but i did have to laugh at your comment about parents in paid employment getting a break; as if the hell that is juggling work and childcare is better! The reality is it isnt working/not working thats the issue as much as having a father and husband who isnt bothered. Being a parent and losing leave is absolutely wild. On the face of it having time to yourself in term time balances some of it out, but i suspect this is part of a much bigger issue with his unwilling to properly participate in family life. If you dont want to be a SAHM prioritise getting back to work.

Unicornsandprincesses · 22/08/2025 08:52

Wornout82 · 22/08/2025 08:44

Yes! I have said that to him! He said he would take a few days off in the summer once he looked at his diary but every time I asked he said his team was too busy so finding time to book off is hard! He was supposed to take a half day today and he told me a week ago he might just be able to take two hours off to take her to her swimming lessons as he is swamped, then he told me last night he couldn’t take the time as everyone else on his team had booked leave so someone needs to be covering which is when I totally lost it. His child free colleagues are taking leave but he can’t possibly. They are all doing the same job, sharing the same work load but he can’t take days. He used to have a colleague who booked almost every Friday and Monday off during the summer (using her 2 days toil a month too) but he did the same job as her and couldn’t book leave.

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it’s not the he can’t, it’s that he doesn’t want to.

LegoHouse274 · 22/08/2025 08:48

HarrietBond · 22/08/2025 08:00

You are absolutely not unreasonable for expecting him to take some leave. I know too many women whose partners pull this stuff on them all through their kids’ childhoods (and will then take leave for their own interests or holidays with their friends) and it’s not acceptable. You sound totally fed up (and your reference to going home is very telling). I think you need to have a really serious conversation together about what you’re thinking here.

This OP is a SAHM to one preschooler who goes to nursery at least some of the time in term time. I think it does depend how much nursery the child does - very different if they're there 5 days a week Vs just 2 mornings for example. But if the child is going more than a few half days a week I don't think it's a big deal that they have to care for them for a few weeks in between terms as they'll have time to themselves in term time.

That being said the DH still sounds like an uncaring partner and what else is his annual leave even for if it's not to spend time with his child and family??

I think the bigger issues here are relating to the DH's attitude and overall nature, what does he even bring to the relationship OP other than cash?

PeonyPatch · 22/08/2025 08:46

Yeah, your DH needs to take some annual leave during this time. Non-negotiable!!!

Original poster

Wornout82 · 22/08/2025 08:44

SemperIdem · 22/08/2025 08:36

I’d be really irritated about the fact he is incapable of organising his annual leave in general to be honest. Losing leave entitlement every year is ridiculous.

Yes! I have said that to him! He said he would take a few days off in the summer once he looked at his diary but every time I asked he said his team was too busy so finding time to book off is hard! He was supposed to take a half day today and he told me a week ago he might just be able to take two hours off to take her to her swimming lessons as he is swamped, then he told me last night he couldn’t take the time as everyone else on his team had booked leave so someone needs to be covering which is when I totally lost it. His child free colleagues are taking leave but he can’t possibly. They are all doing the same job, sharing the same work load but he can’t take days. He used to have a colleague who booked almost every Friday and Monday off during the summer (using her 2 days toil a month too) but he did the same job as her and couldn’t book leave.

OP posts:

HowToTrainYourDragonfruit · 22/08/2025 08:42

crosspost with OP - i completely validate you, him doing bedtime in a stressful angry way is worse than nothing.

Also- ADHD is genetic. Your DH...

is a workaholic
with a workaholic father
doesn't plan to take his holiday through the year and is left rolling it over
superserves his work by hyperfocus
gets overwhelmed easily at home and can't do complex tasks requiring subtle shifts of focus (like bedtime)
didn't leave the house until 3pm on a day when he was meant to go out in an organised fashion with your child
demands your attention, by talking at you for a long time in the evenings
is very sensitive to criticism and can't see how he could live or behave differently.

I would go to your GP and get DD on the list for ADHD assessments it might take 3 years for CAMHS to get her to the top of the list.

In the meantime I would read up about ADHD (and indeed AuDHD) as it can often be a whole family learning experience. It won't be a quick process.

Gradually you might find that she can get help which might also enable him to look at himself too.

sosadtoday1 · 22/08/2025 08:39

I would just say being together can be you playing here and me tidying next to you. It’s great we’re together but I want to help you learn to play. Don’t feel guilty, you are helping her. The children who aren’t used to playing alone for short periods can often find it hard when they’re at school and they have to get on with it as they’re used to a lot of attention so you’re helping her in the long run.

Id also take her into Nursery even if she hasn’t slept well. You then get time to yourself.

It might be hard and I could be suggesting the impossible but I’d say she needs firm boundaries about sleep and independent play for your own sanity. Try powering through if she hasn’t slept well, reminding her that’s why we go to sleep otherwise you’re letting her sleep in and not getting into the habit of getting up at a set time e.g. get into the habit of getting up in time for nursery on her non nursery days so she can get used to the routine.

Im only trying to help, im not trying to sound rude. I had different problems with each of mine and the advice on here was so valuable.

SemperIdem · 22/08/2025 08:36

I’d be really irritated about the fact he is incapable of organising his annual leave in general to be honest. Losing leave entitlement every year is ridiculous.

Original poster

Wornout82 · 22/08/2025 08:31

Shessweetbutapsycho · 22/08/2025 07:55

If you never wanted to be a SAHM I don’t understand why you became/continue to be one? If you were in a career where you outearned your husband surely between you both you could cover childcare costs to enable both parents to work? Why agree to all the relocations if it’s not what you wanted? There’s only a couple of weeks left of the holidays now, just do whatever you need to get through them, and when your child is back in nursery and you have all your free time back, start prioritising yourself and your career. You need to take a more active role in your own life.

He out earns me now - he went back to education years ago but it meant splitting up or moving as he booked to do it in a far away location without consulting me (he claims he did but did not in terms of location). I moved like a doormat as I wanted it to work. I did well but finished a contract in the pandemic and the industry largely shut down I was unemployed when I got pregnant (late 30s at that stage so made a choice). I did want to stay home for the first year or so but I wanted to ho back to work when she was about two.

My work is in a very niche area where there are limited jobs, particularly at the higher level, it is a something you need to live in a big city for really which we no longer do. As the area I am in does not have roles in my field I want to do some freelance work in something I have experience in but will not pay as well. I also have low confidence after being out of the workforce for so long - my last job I was at the second highest level but the woman at the top was pretty nasty to everyone (a whole other post) which has also negatively affected me to the point I don’t even want to ask her for a reference.

My partners earning potential has also increased a lot now he has new qualifications and has gone up the ladder in the last 3 years - I would need to retrain to match him now which is something I am also considering as while I love my career I feel I have trapped myself by being in such a niche field.

OP posts:

HowToTrainYourDragonfruit · 22/08/2025 08:27

But if you’re a SAHM whose child is at nursery term time meaning you have time to yourself then, I don’t think it’s a big ask to take responsibility for holidays

True in principle, nursery often is 9-3 or even 10-1 sometimes. Doing a shift from.7-9 to get them up and out, dropping off then being at home from 10-2 isn't a huge rest. As you then have a shift from 3-8pm, which is hard work playing, tidying, managing tired moods, feeding, bath and bed, tidying up.

So it's only marginally easier than working 9-5, it's the same number of hours "on". While you probably don't need as much time off in the holidays you absolutely need SOME. You should take overall responsibility for making sure it's all covered but that doesn't mean your partner takes NO annual leave and does NOTHING in mornings and evenings.

12 hours with children every day for 6 weeks is relentless, and if you have suspected SEN as OP's child does, it is a very different ballgame from being with a more chilled child.

Also going to work doesn't mean you do fuck all after 6pm, I bet OPs husband isn't covering bath and bedtime while she rests.

Imbusytodaysorry · 22/08/2025 08:21

@Wornout82 i would head straight out the door a few nights a week as soon as he has walked through it.
Go get your peace and downtime and let him and dd talk to each other

Original poster

Wornout82 · 22/08/2025 08:12

I went to my mums for two weeks because after doing two weeks of it on my own I wanted to go somewhere she might be less work - it’s a much bigger space with pets and a garden full of plants and trees so she gets excited going there and pottering around the garden with granny so clings to me less. She also loves seeing cousins and my mum and brother did mind her on two separate occasions when I met friends and got a few hours off. It was still hard and I still had her 90% of the time but it was more doable as I wasn’t so alone in it.

She is not full time in nursery, she used to do 3 hours every morning, we increased that to 6.5 hours 3 days a week in term time which gets drastically reduced when you take at least an hour of that to do drop offs and pick ups - then take away the days she can’t go in because of illness. She also misses mornings sometimes because she is a terrible sleeper and they have a strict rule on punctuality so it gets drastically reduced. I feel much more sane when she is in nursery but outside of that I feel it is too much - I can’t get anything done when she is home all the time. I know some kids play independently and are less tactile but she literally wants to be physically attached to me and I am telling her more and more that she has to give me space and not be on me as much and she just looks crushed. Honestly I feel like a shit parent in those moments and have told my partner that putting me in a situation where I am burning out is affecting my relationship with my daughter.

Nursery are looking into getting people to help her with that element as I think she is attached to her key worker constantly when we leave her there - they do say she is not high on the list for support as they are happy with her but just want her to interact with kids more than adults. She is getting better with this and has played with kids more in recent months.

My partner does step up in evenings and does a lot more bed times than me because I am losing it by that time of the day but complains constantly then argues loudly with her about every single step and keeps shouting in at me about how difficult she is being so I still get the stress and the noise even when I am been given a break. When I tell him it’s weaponised incompetence he tells me I am misusing the term and clearly don’t understand it. I’ve explained that there is no point in doing bed times if you keep shouting updates and bursting in on the other parent to vent - no wonder she is so wired. Her personality is very defiant too, if someone barks orders at her she will argue and do the opposite so evenings are combative apart from story time. I asked for a break last Saturday as I felt ill and just needed some space, it was 3pm by the time he left and home again at 7pm without feeding her. At the weekends if I stay in bed and ask him to look after her she will still be in her pjs with nothing done by the time I go down - he says things like “she is much more difficult for me”.

OP posts:

HarrietBond · 22/08/2025 08:00

You are absolutely not unreasonable for expecting him to take some leave. I know too many women whose partners pull this stuff on them all through their kids’ childhoods (and will then take leave for their own interests or holidays with their friends) and it’s not acceptable. You sound totally fed up (and your reference to going home is very telling). I think you need to have a really serious conversation together about what you’re thinking here.

Shessweetbutapsycho · 22/08/2025 07:55

If you never wanted to be a SAHM I don’t understand why you became/continue to be one? If you were in a career where you outearned your husband surely between you both you could cover childcare costs to enable both parents to work? Why agree to all the relocations if it’s not what you wanted? There’s only a couple of weeks left of the holidays now, just do whatever you need to get through them, and when your child is back in nursery and you have all your free time back, start prioritising yourself and your career. You need to take a more active role in your own life.

Zanatdy · 22/08/2025 07:52

If you’re a SAHM with a lot of free time in term time then YABU complaining about the holidays. Go back to work. Being a SAHM was never for me. I used nurseries, wrap around childcare and holiday clubs. It kept me sanity. Kids have grown into well adjusted adults. Your DH clearly CBA looking after his own child, and doesn’t want to spent time with her. He should be booking some time off in the holidays so you can spent time with her. His priorities are all wrong.

sosadtoday1 · 22/08/2025 07:46

It comes up oh here a lot but calling a 3 year old a toddler just babies them. If you think she has needs then I would speak to nursery about what they think.
if you said to her x you can go on play with play doh for 5 minutes whilst I tidy up and then build up the time, what would happen?
Is there something she likes doing that will keep her occupied? Mine at that age, loved playing in the bath with loads of bubbles and bath toys, I was in the bathroom as well but it was a break! The best advice I was given was to help them to play on their own.
You do have my sympathies, both of you together must feel relentless. Your partner should be taking some leave and booking it in advance!