Ruined my life I’m a stupid idiot

it's not cheating, it's just being tempted and going a bit too far.

Good lord, your bar is so low in your relationships, it sounds like you've actually dug a hole and buried it.

I'm really struggling with your post in general here OP

You say he makes comments about your weight but you're still having sex a couple of times a week. So the comments can't be that bad or he's being coercive and effectively abusing you - which is it?

Every comment that has been made asking for more detail on how he treats you, whether he's abusive etc, you have ignored - why?

You wanted someone to talk to but signed up for a dating website - that's not someone to talk to, that's to rub your ego. And women with esteem issues generally wouldn't send nudes to someone they don't know.

You don't mention your kids because it's 'not relevant' but you're effectively talking about exploding their whole life because you feel bad?

This comes across as someone who has done something a bit dodge and is hoping to get MN on side to make them feel better

And yes, it is cheating

First of all, stop playing the victim.
You are not the victim here, your DH is.

Secondly, delete all your accounts and make sure never to do it again.

Thirdly, you’re not happy and you’ve tried. So it’s time to separate and have the conversation about how that’s going to happen.

it's not cheating, it's just being tempted and going a bit too far.

Just stop now and move on.

Address the issues with your own DH and see if it's worth staying with or separating.

Wait, hold up. You shag twice a week but because you can’t speak up for yourself, you joined a dating website to exchange nudes. Congrats 🥂

It is cheating no matter how you look at it.
You have to decide if your marriage is worth keeping.
If you tell him do you think he will leave ?
I would not mention the pictures no matter what. Just say chatting to someone. But not met up.
Obviously he should not make negative comments about your appearance.

If its not worth saving then dont tell him anything . Just end the relationship. No point giving him things to use against you when it comes to your children or friends/family.
In future dont send vids/pics to random people. You must know they will be shared. And think how it will upset your children
My mum cheated and one of my siblings was only young and has never forgiven her.
I being the oldest understood things are never so simple.

OP, when my friend did this it was because she wanted the marriage to end and her husband was like yours – would walk away from conversations, total shut down. So she blew it all up by cheating on an app, like you, as something he couldn’t ignore.

Very, very messy and traumatic for a while. But now post-divorce she’s miles happier, albeit poorer, and the co-parenting is contentious – partly because he (not unreasonably) harbours resentment about how it ended.

I’d think about why you really did this: was it a subconscious way to do something you can’t row back from, so you can end your marriage? If so, with kids involved and coparenting in your future, I’d keep quiet about it to your DH and give him other reasons for wanting a divorce. Don’t give him more ammunition to hate you – it sounds like he doesn’t respect you much to start with, given the comments on your body, and his attitude.

You are not a bad mum. You made an error of judgement when your self esteem was low. Beating yourself up now (or letting people on here do it) will not help, it will just make that root cause worse. Focus on who you want to be next. A strong mum for your kids, someone who demonstrates self love and treats herself and other with respect. Take it from there. Stop torturing yourself. Good luck .

Tell him you want to separate. You don't need to tell him the rest.

Just needed someone to talk to so I signed up to a dating website.

Did you include your face in the photos/videos?

Look what's done is done, you obviously want out of the relationship. Id not say anything to him about this, stay away from dating sites and put your energy into ending the relationship.

I'm so sorry OP. You're obviously feeling terrible.

If your husband constantly makes undermining remarks to you while still expecting regular sex, I'm not sure I'd hand this to him as a weapon. It's difficult without really understanding your relationship and whether this is a temporary glitch or a fundamentally cruel relationship.

I think I would open a conversation that says I've been feeling extremely unhappy and am considering whether this is a relationship I want to be in. See where it goes from there. If you get to the point where you can communicate constructively and respectfully, I would probably feel I had to come clean at that point. But wait and see.

That's pretty cold OP

I mean considering you're going to tell him you've been unfaithful and you've said if he leaves you then 'so be it'.

And yet in your thread title you mention ruining your life.

That's true. But they should own it.

Not exclusively.

OP calm down. Unsigned yourself from the dating site or whatever you need to do to remove your profile.

Then ask yourself WHY you did it. Do you want to end your relationship? Was it a cry for help? Ought you seek counselling via your GP or other methods. There is a reason for your actions find it.

This is one of the most rational comments I’ve seen on here in a long time. Totally agree with this.

OP, life isn’t clear cut and cookie cutter, although people like to pretend it is. You messed up, you’re human. Instead of beating yourself up, consider why. Do you love your husband as he is right now, including how he treats you? Is there room for him agreeing to counselling with you in order for him to understand how his behaviour makes you feel?

I think you need to understand what you want moving forward first - realistically. Is your husband going to change? Do you want him to try to? Or are you done? From there, you can figure out the best ways to achieve that end goal without harming yourself.

Just needed someone to talk to so I signed up to a dating website.

That's not what you do when you need someone to talk to. That's what you do when you want to have an affair. Two totally different things. Stop minimising your actions or trying to justify them by playing the victim.

You have to take responsibility for your actions...you royally fucked up, I mean what were you thinking - I don't understand how wanting to chat would lead to joining a dating site ...and sending nudes, I'm sorry but it is crazy. I would call the Samaritans tonight and chat to them about you thoughts on ending your life, do you have children, if you do please think of the damage you will do to them for the rest of their lives.
The Samaritans won't expect you to take your clothes off and are free and anonymous.

Man here, so for what its worth I'll give you a guys perspective. It sounds like you want the marriage to work, so I wouldn't tell him - its a huge betrayal, even if he is being a dick - come off the dating site at once, delete everything.

Sit down with your DH and try to work out why you are unhappy, explain that and see if you can both turn things round.

If my DW had done this I'd sooner not know, you can't erase stuff like this, but you can save him the pain by stopping and giving your relationship a last chance.

Have a free, honest anonymous brainstorm here and unpack it

Your entry is too short, intense and needs background