Ruined my life I’m a stupid idiot

if you want to save this relationship personally i would keep quiet. it does not sound like a happy relationship for you but i also understand i don’t know the full picture and people stay in a struggling relationship for all reasons that is not for me to judge

signing up to that dating site to find someone to talk to was not something that is good. however i do understand you just wanted to talk and i do believe you did not mean for things to go as far as they did. the amount of guilt you feel proves that

for the people saying she should have talked to other people. i don’t think you understand what kind of talking she needed. OP was rightly feeling low about herself as a result of her husband. she wanted some external validation. that does not mean she wanted to physically cheat or was looking for a new relationship. what she was looking for was someone who made her feel loved and special and emotionally there for her in a way her husband was not.

OP do you actually want to keep your marriage or are you just scared of leaving?

Your children are involved in this shit

Unless you are childfree Your children will be involved in any relationship decisions you make.

They're also crap (IME and experience others I haev encountered have had, and bearing in mind I worked in safeguarding roles for years, that's a lot of encounters). I am not slating the individual volunteers, a lot of them I am sure are lovely, but as an organisation I am not a fan.

You felt lonely and in need of validation that you weren't getting at home. I get it

I get it too, but online dating isn't the place to find it (as op has discovered).

OP don't feel guilty, you haven't done anything too terrible. Stupid maybe, but don't beat yourself up, just try to understand why you did it. And be kind to yourself - it sounds like not many other people in your life are being nice to you.

As others have said, have a long think about what you want to do about your marriage.

Like it wasn't possible to dissolve your relationship without signing up to a dating site and sending nudes to a random? You could still end this relationship without this stink over your head and co-parent without whipping up more drama.

Probably affect your eldest? What do you mean probably.

You're oldest would have their dad leaves and would have mum caring for a profoundly autistic sibling, who is so bad he or she wouldn't know if the dad was there or not

You think that set up would probably affect your eldest.

Not saying you should be unhappy in a relationship. But your decision making is pretty poor going on a dating app an exchanging nudes is pretty stupid.

So joining a dating site and exchanging dodgy pictures was your solution to being unhappy? Why?

For the person who said about Samaritans that was a really weird response 🙄 I think we all know what OP meant when she said to talk to...

OP yes u effed up but you wouldn't have done it if you weren't feeling so isolated and DH wasn't making crappy comments about your weight. If you need to get it off your chest and confess then do so, whatever happens next is not just up to your DH but you too. I can't help but wonder you want to tell him so he will leave you and that in itself might be an even bigger weight off your chest. I might be wrong. Either way you aren't happy and definitely need to tell him about that at least.

You seem to want to tell him because you don't like feeling guilty. Telling him will not change that. You will probably just compound that guilt by triggering the break up of you relationship. In this case he will blame you solely and will not accept any part in the failure.

He is now going to value you more because someone asked you for photos.

Delete the apps and all trace of your stupidity. Shut up and salve your guilt by finding a constructive way forwards, either together or apart.

I'd echo other responses... I can't see any positive outcome from telling your husband about this, he will probably react horribly (assuming from how you've described him, obviously I don't know that) and it'll be difficult to come back from. I'd just sit him down and talk to him about the relationship more generally and outline how you want things to change, then go from there. Come off the dating site. You really haven't ruined your life, but you might if you talk about it. However, this should be an eye-opener that you're clearly not happy with how things are now and they need to change.

How is the op being hard on herself? It's just a pity party. She seems genuinely shocked that her recklessness would have any fallout for her kids.

Oh for goodness sake stop acting the innocent and face up to your marriage problems. Signing up to a dating agency because you felt you had problems is such a cop out, and then you've sent naked pictures of yourself to another man. Or it could be anyone really. That's cheating if my DH had did that to me!

I voted YABU for being so hard on yourself.

Your marriage is shit and you are miserable and your husband sounds like a nasty bully trying to make you feel bad about yourself.

Started thinking about what you want from your life and working towards that.

It's a really shitty thing to do which you acknowledge.
I wouldn't tell him though. What is the point in that.
However, you need to delete whatever apps you have and never do it again and then do some serious self-reflexion on why it happened and what you want and need in your life. What was the reason for doing it? What was missing in your relationship with your DH that made you feel you had no option but to cheat on him by getting involved with someone else on a dating app?

If you can talk to him about what is missing and what you could both do to improve the relationship then this could be very helpful and could save your relationship. But if you can't do that or he won't engage with discussions etc then the best thing to do would be to split up and then you are both free to find other people who meet your needs better.

You cheated, you need to decide if you want to save your marriage.
you shouldn’t have done what you did, but now you can’t change it.
all you’ve said is he comments on your weight, but what are these comments? Is he abusive, is he just saying he’s not happy with your weight etc ( i wouldn’t be happy but not abusive).
is your marriage worth saving, or do you want to save it more importantly?
if you don’t want too, there is no point telling him just to hurt him, as then there will be no way you two will be able to coparent amicably ( and unfair too him also).

Said no-one on Mumsnet to a married man sending dick pics and getting explicit videos from other women EVER.

My guess is that you subconsciously wanted to end this miserable relationship you’re in. Don’t fight it now!

Honestly it just sounds like you hate yourself and expect everyone else to.

A man loving you or not won't fix that.

Stop, just stop.
it is cheating, if a woman came on here saying her dh had done this i bet you would not being saying the same 🙄

Honestly, if you were a man, you’d have the entire thread saying how terrible you are. Learn to speak up, and leave him.

For future reference, the Samaritans are not just for suicidal thoughts.
Don't beat yourself up OP
We have all made mistakes

Agree, in an ideal world you would have either walked away or addressed the issues in the marriage, but sometimes both of those things take two people to act respectfully.

To my mind, you were clearly seeking a confidence boost and source of emotional connection and to feel attractive that's why you signed up to online dating as opposed to a more platonic platform. I think your best option now is to either leave the marriage and start afresh or you come clean and ask that you both attend marriage counselling and for a commitment to both doing things differently going forwards. At the end of the day, if your dh is criticising your weight and shutting you out but still expecting sex twice a week then I think you need to consider how healthy this dynamic is for your kids growing up watching. It sounds like it's become completely toxic between you both and really, mainly I think if it were me I'd take this as a sign that you need to leave before this marriage destroys you. I'd actually say nothing, ask for a divorce and leave. My only reason for not coming clean is I think if it comes out that you've essentially cheated (and personally I would see this as a form of cheating because of the intimacy and betrayal it involves) I think that could really affect your relationship with your children. Obviously your situation is complex but this makes it very easy for you to be labelled as the reason why their parents marriage failed.

If you want to really try then you take the risk and be honest and say you're only prepared to go forwards with counselling to try and actually change things because it's very clear you can't continue as you are.

I also think, when you say you ruined your life - in what capacity? By marrying someone who doesn't treat you well, care for you, and bully's you, or because you sent intimate images to another person?

Either way, it's not life ruining. Life changing maybe, but it doesn't sound like your status quo was great to begin with was my point. So maybe change is what you need.