Page 2 | Ruined my life I’m a stupid idiot

Nope11 · 2025-08-21T15:40:01+00:00

Been with DH 14 years and the past year or so between us has been hell. I don’t feel loved, cared for, nothing. We sleep together 1/2 times a week. He’s always saying something about my weight. Just needed someone to talk to so I signed up to a dating website. Long story short me and someone ended up exchanging pictures/videos. I feel utterly sick. I’m a horrible person and I’ll admit to what I did later on. If he leaves me and tells my family so be it. I deserve it. I sound like I’m self pitying and maybe I am but I feel sick with my actions and will own up

Original poster

Nope11 · 25/08/2025 08:45

@Farmerwife2 We had a huge talk, I explained how he makes me feel and for once he listened, apologised and told me he would change. He also told me a few ways that I could make the relationship better and I also agreed and promised to change.

I still feel awfully guilty but I think the talk between us helped massively

OP posts:

Farmerwife2 · 24/08/2025 20:36

How was today? Have you had another talk with your DP? Hope things will start to work out for you now whatever the outcome.

pipthomson · 23/08/2025 20:03

pam290358 · 23/08/2025 18:53

Lovely bit of victim blaming there. Almost missed it, it was so well disguised.

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No victim-blaming the only person who we can change is ourselves once we are sure that our own side of the street is clean it is easier to move forward
even if you are a victim it’s important to look at any part you have played to enable the situation even unwittingly it’s called the universal law of cause and,effect

pam290358 · 23/08/2025 18:53

pipthomson · 22/08/2025 19:56

Why don’t you separate the constituent parts of the situation EG the part you have
played regardless of what others have done if you have been selfish dishonest or resentful you can opt to change your behaviour different things will happen
if you keep reacting in the same way you will keep recycling the same results
if you can’t add anything to resolving a situation it’s best to remove yourself

Lovely bit of victim blaming there. Almost missed it, it was so well disguised.

pam290358 · 23/08/2025 18:51

SquishedMallow · 21/08/2025 22:22

Well... You've made a mistake. You've admitted it. That's a good start.

I'm not going to judge you as you'll be judging yourself right now.

Humans are flawed and they do stupid things unfortunately.

What you need to do now is shut the account down immediately, block the bloke and concentrate on what's led you to this.

Usual suspects are : unmet needs.
You need to figure out and do some soul searching on what your unmet needs in your marriage are.

Once you've figured them out, you need to work out how to address them, and if they can be addressed.

You could tell your DH everything in a heart to heart. But always bear in mind whether you're telling him to relieve your own guilt. Because that's not the best circumstances to confess in.

Personally, I'd put it all behind you. Vow to never ever do anything like that again and work on what's got you to that point.

Good luck.

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This. Most sensible and objective post here.

pam290358 · 23/08/2025 18:44

IsItSnowing · 21/08/2025 17:36

and me

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Well it depends doesn’t it ? If your DH went online to a dating site with the intention of having extra marital sex and exchanged photos to that end, then yes, it would be the end of most marriages I would think.

But a woman in a miserable marriage with an abusive husband whose attitude to sex is to use her like a blow up doll and then criticise her body and make her generally feel worthless, may well have different reasons for doing so. Like looking for reassurance that she’s still attractive to someone.

Lavender14 · 23/08/2025 18:19

Op you need to leave. He's abusive. Irregardless of the pictures you've sent and the cheating etc this marriage is toxic and harmful. He's threatening you with physical violence, he's emotionally abusive and verbally abusive.

Yes he has the right to be angry and hurt by how you've handled things, but threatening physical violence is never ever a "valid" reaction. He is not an innocent party in the wider context of your marriage and he needs to be held accountable for his abuse.

Farmerwife2 · 23/08/2025 14:52

Ok good. What's he doing tomorrow? Probably not the best idea to be around him while he's angry and hungover. So I would leave early, Let him wake up with a headache and think about why you've told him everything. Don't feel guilty.
Get out for a bit, go see another freind if you have anyone nearby and clear your head ! :)

Original poster

Nope11 · 23/08/2025 14:43

@Farmerwife2 good advice thank you. He’s out today/night on a stag do so we have some time apart today. I’ll see how things are tomorrow. I have a few options on where I could go tomorrow for a while

OP posts:

Farmerwife2 · 23/08/2025 14:36

Ok well your freinds probably knows more about your situation which is good and that you have her to confide in.
My advice would he to get out the house for a bit to clear my head if not today then tomorrow. You've been through a lot emotionally. When I went through this with my DP we had a bit of time apart to calm down. We meet back up after a few days to speak like adults. Do you have anyone else nearby to go stay with or at least hang out with for a bit so you can clear your head? Are you at home now with your DP?

Original poster

Nope11 · 23/08/2025 14:20

@Farmerwife2 I told her over the phone as she moved last year a couple of hours away. I don’t get to see her a lot, maybe 3/4 times a year but she said she’s coming up here in September to see her family so she’ll come and see me she said.

I spoke to her earlier on today. She thinks I should leave him. She knows how he treats me

OP posts:

Farmerwife2 · 23/08/2025 14:16

Bless you. Ok that's good that you have a freind who knows about all this. When are you seeing you're freind again? Have you spoken to your freinds since confessing everything?

Original poster

Nope11 · 23/08/2025 14:09

@Farmerwife2 yep. I had to, or at least I felt like I had to. I couldn’t speak to my parents I don’t think (especially not my dad anyway) I could possibly speak to my mum but as lovely as she is, I do think she’d judge. Plus she loves DH so that wouldn’t help.

I have been speaking to a friend about it all and she’s been really lovely and supportive about it so at least I do have someone

OP posts:

Farmerwife2 · 23/08/2025 14:04

So did you confess everything? I can't believe he said he'd punch your head in thats shocking. A man should never say that to his wife under any circumstances. I agree with MrsJeanLuc is there anyone nearby you can talk to. Surely you have someone close who may understand what you're going through.

MrsJeanLuc · 23/08/2025 10:01

Crikey op, I am sorry you have got into this horrible situation. Sending you bucket loads of sympathy 🫂

Please, please stop blaming yourself. You're not a bad person, you just did a silly thing. Not a terrible thing, not a crime. Please put aside all this guilt you are carrying.

Your husband has no right to shout at you. Did he acknowledge his part in this? That his failure to treat you with love and respect has done irreparable damage to your marriage?

Do you have someone nearby, friend or family, that you can talk to? You need support right now. I hope you can find someone who can help you get out of this toxic relationship.

Original poster

Nope11 · 23/08/2025 09:24

So, I ended up telling him. I know some posters recommended me not to but I suffer with severe anxiety and the guilt was making me feel ill. I didn’t tell him to ease my conscience, I just felt like he had a right to know and I knew I would really struggle if I kept it from him. Every time I looked at him I’d cry from guilt.

He is understandably angry and not speaking to me which I deserve. Not looking for sympathy although it may come across that way, but I really do hate myself and his reaction is valid.

He said he hopes the man leaks the videos and blackmails me. He accused me of laughing when he was shouting at me but I really wasn’t. He said he’d punch my head in if I laughed again.

Maybe telling him wasn’t the right thing to do but for me personally there was no way I’d have been able to keep it from him without making myself ill.

Thanks to the posters on here who didn’t judge me

OP posts:

pam290358 · 22/08/2025 23:56

Horsie · 22/08/2025 19:19

That is a terrible thing to say. People who are mean, nasty, neglectful - or whathaveyou - to their spouses are NOT like that before they've got you, and they intersperse those times with many good times. Thank your lucky stars you've never met anyone like that, because people who have, always talk about being manipulated so slowly and intermittently that they think they're imagining it...until it's too late. Pregnancy is a classic, well-established time when a partner can reveal their true colours. I've also seen some men have mid-life crises and turn into complete strangers.

When OP talked about when they were dating, she was probably remembering the bad times, not the times he swamped her with his good self. Some people really are Jekyll and Hyde.

As for your superior and hurtful attitude, just remember that pride comes before a fall.

Edited

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You really should have read the entire exchange. This comment wasn’t aimed at OP, it was aimed at a poster who was sneering and judgmental of her.

winter8090 · 22/08/2025 20:03

Forget what he thinks about your body.

How do you feel about your body? If you don’t feel positive perhaps it’s time for change. Perhaps building on your self confidence and respect will help you come to a decision about your marriage and whether it’s right for you.

You won’t find what you seek on a dating site. Delete it. I don’t see anything to be gained here from telling your husband.

pipthomson · 22/08/2025 19:56

Why don’t you separate the constituent parts of the situation EG the part you have
played regardless of what others have done if you have been selfish dishonest or resentful you can opt to change your behaviour different things will happen
if you keep reacting in the same way you will keep recycling the same results
if you can’t add anything to resolving a situation it’s best to remove yourself

Horsie · 22/08/2025 19:19

CyanDreamer · 22/08/2025 08:57

I have higher standards than you, so the bare minimum would not be made to feel unloved and be in the situation in the first place, but you do you.

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That is a terrible thing to say. People who are mean, nasty, neglectful - or whathaveyou - to their spouses are NOT like that before they've got you, and they intersperse those times with many good times. Thank your lucky stars you've never met anyone like that, because people who have, always talk about being manipulated so slowly and intermittently that they think they're imagining it...until it's too late. Pregnancy is a classic, well-established time when a partner can reveal their true colours. I've also seen some men have mid-life crises and turn into complete strangers.

When OP talked about when they were dating, she was probably remembering the bad times, not the times he swamped her with his good self. Some people really are Jekyll and Hyde.

As for your superior and hurtful attitude, just remember that pride comes before a fall.

DeeKitch · 22/08/2025 14:26

motheroflittledragon · 21/08/2025 22:17

have you not read how HE is making op feel with his comments? he is lucky he is getting what he is.

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Yup - some new moves will confuse him

pam290358 · 22/08/2025 10:02

CyanDreamer · 22/08/2025 08:57

I have higher standards than you, so the bare minimum would not be made to feel unloved and be in the situation in the first place, but you do you.

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This. Had OP left out the online dating detail there would have been nothing but support here for her to leave an abusive arsehole who uses her for sex a couple of times a week but makes her feel bad about her body the rest of the time.

If the sanctimonious posters here accusing her of cheating can’t figure out that OP is at rock bottom and not thinking straight, and have some sympathy for it, then I really don’t know why anyone bothers to post on MN for support. This is absolutely not the same as men using dating websites behind their wives backs - that’s simply for sex. I suspect OP used one, not so much for someone to talk to, but as confirmation that she is still attractive and desirable - hence the anonymous photos. Yes, it absolutely was wrong but her DH has to take responsibility for his part in where she ended up.

fthisfthatfeverything · 22/08/2025 09:05

Op, these things happen. It’s not right but they Happen….
To move forward, put this to the side for now, talk to your husband about how to fix the marriage, if it’s fixable, say nothing and hope it never gets out- if it’s not fixable, still Say nothing and just deny it if it gets out.

If I were you, if you feel like doing it again or continuing it on, you need to leave or hearts will get broken 💔

CyanDreamer · 22/08/2025 08:57

Mrsttcno1 · 21/08/2025 21:11

Life ruining? No. But marriage ending? Yep.

I’m incredibly thankful to have been raised by parents who taught us about our worth, the same way I’m raising my children, and I certainly deserve better than for my husband to be signing up to dating websites & exchanging photos and messages with other people. So yes, that would be marriage ending.

Again, that should literally be the bare minimum you expect from your spouse.

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I have higher standards than you, so the bare minimum would not be made to feel unloved and be in the situation in the first place, but you do you.

materialgworl · 22/08/2025 08:49

Just break things off why would you stay with a man who you say berates you when innocent now that you’ve done even more to piss him off? Why do you expect him to like you after this?