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Original poster

Date asking strange questions

311 replies

JMaggs93 · 21/08/2025 15:22

Wanted other's perspectives on this as I've been out of the dating game for a while and have been taken aback by questions this man has been asking me on dates.

I'm 32 and he is 27. We met online and spoke for a while, then decided to meet up. Our first couple of dates were lovely and he seemed really nice and genuine. On our third date we went to watch a film where the leading lady was going on a date herself, a single parent etc, much like myself.

I was driving so on the way to drop him home afterwards we were chatting in the car, and he suddenly asked me if karate (I've been doing this for a few years and love it) is something I'd ever think about giving up in future. I told him of course not, why would I? He then said maybe I'd have to if I wanted anymore children etc which honestly right now I don't want for personal reasons. I found this an odd thing to say but let it go.
We were talking about the movie and the female character who was getting back into dating. He then asked me if I ever wondered what he saw in me on the dating app we met on. More specifically, did I ever wonder what he saw in me and 'all my baggage'? Obviously he meant my kids and my bad experiences with relationships which I'd told him about briefly whilst we were first chatting.

I immediately caught the ick. I was so shocked I didn't really give an answer but it's made me think that he believes I should count myself lucky that a younger man chose me despite my 'baggage'. For context, this man has a child of his own and a bad co parenting relationship with his ex, so really if he thinks what I have is baggage then surely he has the same?

I guess what I'm asking is, am I being unreasonable for feeling really put off and belittled? Like I'm not quite good enough but he picked me anyway? I did like him a lot but after this I feel really weird about him. He's been messaging me as normal and wants another date but I've been giving him short answers and avoiding for the most part. I feel really deflated after plucking up the courage to get back out there.

OP posts:
vegetarianlouise · 23/08/2025 10:10

Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 07:02

@vegetarianlouise you would tell your DD to go on another date with him and give him the benefit of the doubt??

Show quote history

I would like my DD to be smart and inquisitive enough to corner this man and ask him exactly "what he meant" so she can call the BS on him (if needed) then walk out of this relationship confident enough knowing that she dodged a massive bullet. Maybe it's the fact English is not my mother language and his words regarding her "baggage" were a bit "confusing" to me but not to you (and that's ok).

bubmut · 23/08/2025 09:49

He termed your life experiences as baggage, get out

heraldgerald · 23/08/2025 08:39

Negging. Id call him out on it. Then block delete .

CUL8RAlligator · 23/08/2025 08:35

His behaviour sounds like "negging" - "I'd love to date you even though 'X' and I will even overlook 'Y' ".

And the beginnings of coercive control ("obviously you can't do martial arts and have a family, so which are you going to choose?").

He sounds awful

RavenhairedRachel · 23/08/2025 08:32

Dump him and move on

Lotsofsnacks · 23/08/2025 08:18

JMaggs93 · 21/08/2025 15:22

Wanted other's perspectives on this as I've been out of the dating game for a while and have been taken aback by questions this man has been asking me on dates.

I'm 32 and he is 27. We met online and spoke for a while, then decided to meet up. Our first couple of dates were lovely and he seemed really nice and genuine. On our third date we went to watch a film where the leading lady was going on a date herself, a single parent etc, much like myself.

I was driving so on the way to drop him home afterwards we were chatting in the car, and he suddenly asked me if karate (I've been doing this for a few years and love it) is something I'd ever think about giving up in future. I told him of course not, why would I? He then said maybe I'd have to if I wanted anymore children etc which honestly right now I don't want for personal reasons. I found this an odd thing to say but let it go.
We were talking about the movie and the female character who was getting back into dating. He then asked me if I ever wondered what he saw in me on the dating app we met on. More specifically, did I ever wonder what he saw in me and 'all my baggage'? Obviously he meant my kids and my bad experiences with relationships which I'd told him about briefly whilst we were first chatting.

I immediately caught the ick. I was so shocked I didn't really give an answer but it's made me think that he believes I should count myself lucky that a younger man chose me despite my 'baggage'. For context, this man has a child of his own and a bad co parenting relationship with his ex, so really if he thinks what I have is baggage then surely he has the same?

I guess what I'm asking is, am I being unreasonable for feeling really put off and belittled? Like I'm not quite good enough but he picked me anyway? I did like him a lot but after this I feel really weird about him. He's been messaging me as normal and wants another date but I've been giving him short answers and avoiding for the most part. I feel really deflated after plucking up the courage to get back out there.

Does he not think he’s in the same boat, also having ‘baggage’ himself? Or does he think he's hotter, as he’s younger than you, and you should be grateful he’s giving you the time of day? What a knob. Get rid OP, he’s showing his true colours, and you’ve got the ick, no going back from that!

Agree with PPs about not giving away details of any previous abusive relationships until further down the line, when you know and trust someone better. As unfortunately there are a lot of men just looking for a ‘vulnerable’ woman they can manipulate.

GertieET · 23/08/2025 08:17

Newname42 · 23/08/2025 07:56

i think it was about the pregnancy, karate is a martial arts contact sport which you have to stop during pregnancy for safety reasons, not the time after the baby was born

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But to suggest that on a 3rd date? Like I say its okay to mention the idea of having more children in the future, he is young and why waste one another's time if they are on different paths as far as that goes. However, mentioning her quitting comes off as controlling.

Xcxlxn · 23/08/2025 08:14

Op is 32 the guy is 27

HardyCrow · 23/08/2025 07:59

smallsilvercloud · 21/08/2025 19:18

I wouldn’t date anyone that referred to my kids as baggage, he’s already sizing you up to control you with quitting hobbies and having more children with him. Run 🏃‍♀️

This

Newname42 · 23/08/2025 07:56

GertieET · 23/08/2025 07:35

He was essentially telling her that if they had a child together he would want her to quit Karate! It is one thing to mention the idea of having children later on but to suggest someone will need to change a hobby or career in the process is outright ridiculous.
Saying he is clumsy or,as someone else suggested, has ADHD is absolutely no excuse for the comments he made.

i think it was about the pregnancy, karate is a martial arts contact sport which you have to stop during pregnancy for safety reasons, not the time after the baby was born

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 23/08/2025 07:45

This might sound awful but someone who has had a failed relationship and a child by the age of 27 is in no position to be that choosey.
I have no idea what the karate comment was about. Did he mean it’s a physical sport so you might not want to do it whilst pregnant? Strange question.
Regarding the baggage- he is the one with more of an issue. Most men that age haven’t ended up in his postion.

GertieET · 23/08/2025 07:35

He was essentially telling her that if they had a child together he would want her to quit Karate! It is one thing to mention the idea of having children later on but to suggest someone will need to change a hobby or career in the process is outright ridiculous.
Saying he is clumsy or,as someone else suggested, has ADHD is absolutely no excuse for the comments he made.

sarah419 · 23/08/2025 07:34

you had to drop him off home after the date?

Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 07:10

NeedATreat · 23/08/2025 07:08

Fair point. As I said, the OP is 32 and I’d say old enough to know better than anyone else whether she’s ready for a man in her life

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Oh come on
Clewrly there are people who have had such a horrible relationship history that it really does make them very vulnerable to utter dicks like this

and there is no harm in suggesting that instead of diving back in to dating, especially on the basis of you asking this about a date and indeed so frail that a dick like this managed to make you feel like shit, in enjoying single dom for a little bit and building up your confidence

NeedATreat · 23/08/2025 07:08

Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 07:07

obviously he meant my kids

Show quote history

Fair point. As I said, the OP is 32 and I’d say old enough to know better than anyone else whether she’s ready for a man in her life

NeedATreat · 23/08/2025 07:07

OP, your gut seems to be telling something is amiss with this guy and I’d be inclined to trust it. No one who respects you is going to be subtly reminding you that he could do better, or making noises about how you spend your free time and how he sees that changing.

Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 07:07

NeedATreat · 23/08/2025 07:05

The OP is 32, not 27. Not sure where you’re getting “multiple children” from either? The OP may have multiple children but based on your loose grasp of the facts, she’s probably in a better position to decide if she has time for men than you are.

Show quote history

obviously he meant my kids

NeedATreat · 23/08/2025 07:05

Returnofjude · 21/08/2025 15:31

You’re 27
You have obviously only recently come out of a horrible relationship
and you have multiple presumably very young children

Just settle in to newly single life op and enjoy it. Lots of time for men!

The OP is 32, not 27. Not sure where you’re getting “multiple children” from either? The OP may have multiple children but based on your loose grasp of the facts, she’s probably in a better position to decide if she has time for men than you are.

Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 07:02

vegetarianlouise · 22/08/2025 19:52

I would go on another date with and go deeper into that last conversation, ask what he meant about your bagagge, tell him he too has the same bagage so why is he asking that silly question? I would try to find out more about his way of thinking before assuming things and dumping him right away.

In the future I would advise against giving too much information regarding past relationships and being a bit more guarded. Ultimately you know this guy from Adam after 2 dates so be cautious.

Edited

@vegetarianlouise you would tell your DD to go on another date with him and give him the benefit of the doubt??

SnozPoz · 23/08/2025 07:01

Sounds like he's trying his hand at "negging" you. Avoid avoid

ThereMustBeReason · 23/08/2025 06:58

Lucky escape here. You clearly felt he was out of order on date three and you now have 10 pages of people agreeing with you. Keep trying though. There are a few good men out there. Alas, this is not one of them. And you don’t have baggage. You just have a life.

Soberinthecity · 23/08/2025 06:31

Block delete move on. You deserve way better

OhcantthInkofaname · 23/08/2025 03:41

I turned 75 this week and have a satchel full of life experience that some people would call baggage. I don't. Think of it as your essential backpack to live your life.

I would think you might have a new addition.

Matriarchofmenopausemansion · 23/08/2025 01:35

Bin this one! Now!

T1Dmama · 23/08/2025 01:06

Oh let me guess, he’s already played the victim and his ex isn’t allowing him to see his child, and she’s the worlds worst person… blah blah blah…. Now he’s been live bombing you and is now testing the waters to see what he can get away with asking…. You let the first comment go, shrugged it off… he was basically testing to see if you’d give up your karate for him…. It’s boring to do with having another baby… he doesn’t like you interacting with males there!!….. his comment about your children being baggage tells all - his poor co-parenting has nought to do with his ex and everything to do with him not wanting to see his child… I’d guess his ex is probably having to fight tooth and nail for financial support too!
You'd be wise to message him and tell him that he isn’t really what you’re looking for.