Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To meet up with an old friend who is in very different circumstances?

112 replies

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 13:15

I had a best friend at uni who was intelligent, witty, and incredibly good fun. We were inseparable for three years. We both partied hard and experimented with recreational drugs, but she was always more comfortable with it.

When we graduated, I moved to London and she moved back to her hometown. I remember I used to sometimes cry because I missed her so much. We met up in the next few years, but not often, due to the distance and us both being busy building our lives. She split from her lovely boyfriend and was doing well in a creative career.

Fast-forward fifteen years and I’m settled with kids, a stable job, mortgage and all that. She is still in her hometown, which is several hours from me. We recently reconnected (she often changes social media accounts, but adds me) and I’d love to meet up with her but I’m a bit scared that we’ll have nothing in common and it’ll be awkward or sad. From what I know, she’s unemployed and dating men with criminal records for serious violence and drugs. To be frank, these men look like the kind of people I’d cross the road to avoid. I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if she’s on heroin too.

AIBU to go and see her?

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · 21/08/2025 14:57

She may be looking to tuurn her life around.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 21/08/2025 14:51

I don't think you can say the gulf is too wide, for regular friendship maybe yes but this is a one off meet up. If your daily lives are very different you still have all those shared memories. You can have a laugh, reminisce and leave it at that. There is no pressure to go back to being best friends. I'd definitely go

amillionandone · 21/08/2025 14:46

To be perfectly honest, no, I wouldn't seek to reconnect with an old friend who was dating potentially violent men involved with drugs. Whether or not she is personally taking hard drugs, she's choosing to associate with dangerous people, and I don't want that in my life.

I see that you've decided to go in a different direction, though, so I wish you luck. I'd just take it very slowly before you open your family up to unpleasantness through association with her.

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 21/08/2025 14:31

Ask her some more questions and feel it out if you don't know what her situation is

Slightyamusedandsilly · 21/08/2025 14:29

She's still your friend even if she's made terrible life choices. The only snag might be that if she's in dire circumstances, that you might then feel honour bound to help her. Which on her trajectory probably won't actually make any appreciable difference to her.

isyouready · 21/08/2025 14:24

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 14:22

I think I will do, alone. In the best case we can become friends again and in the worst, I’ve tried I guess.

Realistically if she’s an active heroin user I can’t have her around my kids.

Yes OP. I agree wholeheartedly with you. All the best with it

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 14:22

BlanklyMyDear · 21/08/2025 14:08

In the past 15 years or so, I’ve reconnected with people I knew 50 years ago. It’s brought me unexpectedly deep joy.

But you can’t know until you try. Nothing lost if just one meeting seems more than enough.

I think I will do, alone. In the best case we can become friends again and in the worst, I’ve tried I guess.

Realistically if she’s an active heroin user I can’t have her around my kids.

OP posts:
isyouready · 21/08/2025 14:21

GreyCarpet · 21/08/2025 13:22

Meet if you want but stay in control of yourself. Eg don't accept an invitation to stay at hers or anything you might feel uncomfortable with.

This. I was definitely too trusting and accepting when I was younger. I'm lot more careful now. Trust your instincts OP. If you don't feel safe then don't meet. If you do then I agree with PP meet in a public place and tell someone where are where you are meeting

StrawberrySquash · 21/08/2025 14:18

Meet her! You are overthinking it. If nothing else you have the intervening years to catch up on.

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 14:15

I’m pretty surprised by these responses. I expected everyone to say not to meet her.

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · 21/08/2025 14:11

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 14:02

The older I get, the more I enjoy spending time with people I knew when I was young. I’d love to reminisce and be there for each other, I’m just not sure if the gulf is too wide now.

So go meet her and then decide. If she's struggling meeting an old friend might be very important to her, instead of cutting her off for no reason.

BlanklyMyDear · 21/08/2025 14:08

In the past 15 years or so, I’ve reconnected with people I knew 50 years ago. It’s brought me unexpectedly deep joy.

But you can’t know until you try. Nothing lost if just one meeting seems more than enough.

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 14:02

BlanklyMyDear · 21/08/2025 13:19

Book a hotel in her town, invite her to lunch, chat. See how it goes.

Sometimes old friends are just longing for someone who knew them in better times to reach out a hand …

The older I get, the more I enjoy spending time with people I knew when I was young. I’d love to reminisce and be there for each other, I’m just not sure if the gulf is too wide now.

OP posts:
whitewineandsun · 21/08/2025 14:01

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 13:40

By Googling their names and their hometown.

I find incredibly weird.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/08/2025 14:00

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 13:47

I don’t know why you’re so appalled by the idea she might be? Are you a teetotaller with a heroin addict boyfriend? I think she might be because for at least the last year, she’s been with men who habitually deal heroin.

I’ve Googled all kinds of people! I Googled anyone I went on dates with, old friends I’ve bumped into, new friends I’ve made, myself… Everyone has an online presence these days.

Not sure how you got appalled from the question of ‘why do you think she’s on heroine’, it’s a pretty basic question. If you are worried about the boyfriend you can ask her not to bring him

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 21/08/2025 13:57

YarrowYarrow · 21/08/2025 13:21

Yes, if you've only just 'reconnected', how on earth do you know so much about her employment, relationships with criminals and likely addictions? I assume she's not on Instagram posting photos of her scoring drugs with her recently-released lifer boyfriends.

Exactly.

I’ve a feeling if anyone regrets meeting up it’ll be the OP’s friend.

Astrak · 21/08/2025 13:55

Perhaps you could meet up for a coffee or light lunch at some place that's equidistant to both of your homes? Are you worried that your friend might bring the boyfriend?

MeganM3 · 21/08/2025 13:50

Be cautious. But of course you will be. Don’t give out too much information.
But, she was and potentially still could be someone you get on very well with and deep connections like that are pretty rare in my experience.
Meet up with her, see how you feel. You could be a good influence on her if she is trying to change her life for the better.

It could be that she’s living a hippie/ alternative lifestyle without being on drugs etc. if she’s a creative type perhaps she’s just living differently. Who knows.

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 13:47

ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/08/2025 13:41

Do you background check everyone’s boyfriends or is it just if they ‘look’ dangerous? Why do you think she’s on heroine?

I don’t know why you’re so appalled by the idea she might be? Are you a teetotaller with a heroin addict boyfriend? I think she might be because for at least the last year, she’s been with men who habitually deal heroin.

I’ve Googled all kinds of people! I Googled anyone I went on dates with, old friends I’ve bumped into, new friends I’ve made, myself… Everyone has an online presence these days.

OP posts:
clotheslinefiasco · 21/08/2025 13:43

I wouldn't meet up with her.

OutsideInfluence · 21/08/2025 13:42

You have your previous time together in common

Meet up & catch up

No judgements

We are all human

ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/08/2025 13:41

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 13:40

By Googling their names and their hometown.

Do you background check everyone’s boyfriends or is it just if they ‘look’ dangerous? Why do you think she’s on heroine?

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 13:40

ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/08/2025 13:39

So how did you find out about their criminal records?

By Googling their names and their hometown.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/08/2025 13:39

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 13:37

To answer some questions, yes, we have exchanged a lot of DMs, but not about anything deep, and she’s keen to meet up.

We have spoken briefly over the years, and started chatting properly last year. I Googled her boyfriend then because she tagged photos of him, and from his photos he looked dangerous. He has a multi-decade record for GBH, ABH, firearms offences, heroin dealing and more (I don’t know if any of it relates to her; she’s not been interested in discussing partners except very briefly). I believe he’s in prison now, and he’s previously served long stretches. Her current boyfriend seems less dangerous but still has multiple records for assault and heroin dealing.

If I came across as judgemental, that wasn’t my intention. She’s genuinely one of the best people I’ve ever known and I’d love for us to be in each other’s lives again, but I’m not sure how realistic that is, given the drugs, the distance and that I have kids.

So how did you find out about their criminal records?

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 13:37

To answer some questions, yes, we have exchanged a lot of DMs, but not about anything deep, and she’s keen to meet up.

We have spoken briefly over the years, and started chatting properly last year. I Googled her boyfriend then because she tagged photos of him, and from his photos he looked dangerous. He has a multi-decade record for GBH, ABH, firearms offences, heroin dealing and more (I don’t know if any of it relates to her; she’s not been interested in discussing partners except very briefly). I believe he’s in prison now, and he’s previously served long stretches. Her current boyfriend seems less dangerous but still has multiple records for assault and heroin dealing.

If I came across as judgemental, that wasn’t my intention. She’s genuinely one of the best people I’ve ever known and I’d love for us to be in each other’s lives again, but I’m not sure how realistic that is, given the drugs, the distance and that I have kids.

OP posts: