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AIBU?

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Original poster

To meet up with an old friend who is in very different circumstances?

112 replies

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 13:15

I had a best friend at uni who was intelligent, witty, and incredibly good fun. We were inseparable for three years. We both partied hard and experimented with recreational drugs, but she was always more comfortable with it.

When we graduated, I moved to London and she moved back to her hometown. I remember I used to sometimes cry because I missed her so much. We met up in the next few years, but not often, due to the distance and us both being busy building our lives. She split from her lovely boyfriend and was doing well in a creative career.

Fast-forward fifteen years and I’m settled with kids, a stable job, mortgage and all that. She is still in her hometown, which is several hours from me. We recently reconnected (she often changes social media accounts, but adds me) and I’d love to meet up with her but I’m a bit scared that we’ll have nothing in common and it’ll be awkward or sad. From what I know, she’s unemployed and dating men with criminal records for serious violence and drugs. To be frank, these men look like the kind of people I’d cross the road to avoid. I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if she’s on heroin too.

AIBU to go and see her?

OP posts:
BatchCookBabe · 21/08/2025 17:51

@UndecidedCiders

Do her a favour and don't meet up with her. Just ghost her. You sound rather judgy, and clearly think you're better than her, and that your life is sooooo much better than hers. 🙄 I'm sure she doesn't need that in her life.

Original poster
UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 17:49

12345abcdefg · 21/08/2025 17:23

OP, I was in a very similar situation to you, except my friend never reached out to meet up. I could see on social media she was clearly in a bad place, but the replies to my messages were erratic and I had to way to know where she lived.

I found out a few years ago she died due to her addictions. I'm still heartbroken. She was a good person from a good family who just started as someone at uni going a bit wild at the weekend.

I understand why you don't want to meet, but I would. Somewhere safe for you of course. It's very difficult to help someone who is addicted, but I would give anything to see my friend.

I’m really sorry about your friend. Mine was so important to me at that time, and we had an amazing bond.

I’ve known some other people who’ve died from accidental overdoses over the years.

It sounds like you reached out to your friend and did all you could Flowers

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 21/08/2025 17:47

I may be in the minority here, but I would not spend time with a heroin addict even if I used to be friends with them. I have phased friends out for much less drama than heroin addiction. I like to protect my peace at all costs.

Original poster
UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 17:46

cruisingqueen · 21/08/2025 17:22

What makes you think she may be on heroin? Even if she is would you not try to help her rather than block her from your children. I know lots of addicts OP from my line of work. Noone as a child aims to be a smack head. Reasons behind circumstances . You don't sound like a true friend. I get you want to protect your family, but if this a woman you have cried over, give her a chance. Also be prepared she may not appear as polished as she was if life has been tough. Be kind, but careful would be my advice. My best friends sister ODed on heroin last year. It hit her hard, she was ashamed to tell people as people like that don't exist in our lives (bullshit).

Edited

I’m sorry about your sister’s friend. My friend’s brother died the same way, and was homeless for a time beforehand. It really hurt all of their family.

What makes me think my friend may be on heroin is that she’s been in relationships with heroin dealers for at least the past year.

It’s not just the heroin but the dealing, violence, gun crime, theft and other offences that her close associates are involved in that scares me. I don’t know the level of her involvement but the men she’s dating are not good people.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 17:41

BauhausOfEliott · 21/08/2025 16:40

Realistically if she’s an active heroin user I can’t have her around my kids

Has she indicated that she wants to be around your kids?

She's asking you to go and see her, not spend a week on a caravan holiday with you. You're inventing problems here.

If you don't think you're comfortable seeing her, don't see her. But trying to justify it with 'Won't someone please think of the children' when she very likely has zero interest in ever hanging out with them is daft.

Show quote history

You’re right that I’m overthinking it.

It’s just, with all my other friendships, if it’s long-distance we tend to meet up with partners and kids, or if they don’t have kids often they’ll come to mine and we’ll go out from here. We do uni reunion trips with partners and kids, usually weekends away or camping. My kids are little and my husband and I work a lot without much family support. So most of my friends do see my kids and our families are integrated.

But one step at a time.

OP posts:
12345abcdefg · 21/08/2025 17:23

OP, I was in a very similar situation to you, except my friend never reached out to meet up. I could see on social media she was clearly in a bad place, but the replies to my messages were erratic and I had to way to know where she lived.

I found out a few years ago she died due to her addictions. I'm still heartbroken. She was a good person from a good family who just started as someone at uni going a bit wild at the weekend.

I understand why you don't want to meet, but I would. Somewhere safe for you of course. It's very difficult to help someone who is addicted, but I would give anything to see my friend.

cruisingqueen · 21/08/2025 17:22

What makes you think she may be on heroin? Even if she is would you not try to help her rather than block her from your children. I know lots of addicts OP from my line of work. Noone as a child aims to be a smack head. Reasons behind circumstances . You don't sound like a true friend. I get you want to protect your family, but if this a woman you have cried over, give her a chance. Also be prepared she may not appear as polished as she was if life has been tough. Be kind, but careful would be my advice. My best friends sister ODed on heroin last year. It hit her hard, she was ashamed to tell people as people like that don't exist in our lives (bullshit).

AzureCats · 21/08/2025 16:59

Coffeetime25 · 21/08/2025 16:40

okay stalker judgy vibes here sounds like you are the bigger red flag here cripes

Show quote history

Well it helps when you find out your ex friend dates violent convicted criminals doesn't it. Easier to find that out beforehand, than when you've wasted your time trekking across the country to go visit them.
🤷🏻‍♀️
Personally I wouldn't bother meeting up. I don't want to associate with criminals or people who thinks it's a good idea to date criminals. Less drama in my life the better.

Coffeetime25 · 21/08/2025 16:40

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 13:47

I don’t know why you’re so appalled by the idea she might be? Are you a teetotaller with a heroin addict boyfriend? I think she might be because for at least the last year, she’s been with men who habitually deal heroin.

I’ve Googled all kinds of people! I Googled anyone I went on dates with, old friends I’ve bumped into, new friends I’ve made, myself… Everyone has an online presence these days.

Show quote history

okay stalker judgy vibes here sounds like you are the bigger red flag here cripes

BauhausOfEliott · 21/08/2025 16:40

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 14:22

I think I will do, alone. In the best case we can become friends again and in the worst, I’ve tried I guess.

Realistically if she’s an active heroin user I can’t have her around my kids.

Show quote history

Realistically if she’s an active heroin user I can’t have her around my kids

Has she indicated that she wants to be around your kids?

She's asking you to go and see her, not spend a week on a caravan holiday with you. You're inventing problems here.

If you don't think you're comfortable seeing her, don't see her. But trying to justify it with 'Won't someone please think of the children' when she very likely has zero interest in ever hanging out with them is daft.

NewYorkSummer · 21/08/2025 16:32

amillionandone · 21/08/2025 14:46

To be perfectly honest, no, I wouldn't seek to reconnect with an old friend who was dating potentially violent men involved with drugs. Whether or not she is personally taking hard drugs, she's choosing to associate with dangerous people, and I don't want that in my life.

I see that you've decided to go in a different direction, though, so I wish you luck. I'd just take it very slowly before you open your family up to unpleasantness through association with her.

I’m afraid this would be my response. I’ve seen old friends go down that path and where they are now and they’re not the same people they once were, and not people I want to be associating with. If OPs friend is into drugs then it won’t be long before she’s hitting her up for money.

FreebieWallopFridge · 21/08/2025 16:27

Honestly, having been in your position, no I wouldn’t meet up with her. It wouldn’t even cross my mind given the circumstances you’ve described. Her life has chaos and drama written all over it, she’s hours away, and your lives have diverged.

Under similar circumstances, I did reengage with a previous friend. I spent the whole conversation wondering why because it was clear we had nothing in common anymore, that her life was dysfunctional, and that she was keen to fall back into our old ‘roles’ (I.e. me being the emotional crutch propping up her disasters) so I said a polite goodbye and was non-committal about future contact. I have never seen her or spoken to her in person again. Messages quickly dwindled and I no longer hear from her at all. I have not regretted it.

CarlaH · 21/08/2025 15:59

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 13:47

I don’t know why you’re so appalled by the idea she might be? Are you a teetotaller with a heroin addict boyfriend? I think she might be because for at least the last year, she’s been with men who habitually deal heroin.

I’ve Googled all kinds of people! I Googled anyone I went on dates with, old friends I’ve bumped into, new friends I’ve made, myself… Everyone has an online presence these days.

Show quote history

I've just googled myself. Nothing at all.

thebluehour · 21/08/2025 15:58

All the people with lowlife partners are out in force.

Someone2025 · 21/08/2025 15:56

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 15:32

There are numerous newspaper articles and they feature photos, so I know it is the same men that she’s linked with on social media. The one that’s in prison now was taken in by armed riot police.

Her living an alternative lifestyle, or smoking weed on the weekends, or being a hippie wouldn’t phase me, but she has very close associations with people who have old and new records for ABH and GBH, have served lengthy prison sentences for violence and are career drug dealers of heroin and crack cocaine. These are dangerous and scary people that I don’t want anywhere near my children. If that makes me judgemental, so be it.

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It’s 100% understandable, how could you not be judgemental after finding that out

I think some people ( the people who accuse you of being judgemental ) think they can live their lives what ever way they want and then expect people not to be judgemental, well here’s news to you, people are definitely judging you as that’s what people do, since time began humans developed skills to judge a situation and form an opinion in order to estimate how dangerous it could be….it’s human nature

CharSiu · 21/08/2025 15:47

I wouldn’t want to associate with someone who is dating a violent criminal. I don’t care what anyone’s sob story is when it comes to why they are dealing drugs.

It’s not that you are married and have children that you have done better it’s because you don’t date criminals. That’s her choice.

Original poster
UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 15:32

leahnejade · 21/08/2025 15:05

Googling people can be a mistake. There was something negative and totally incorrect about me online when I googled my own name, I had to jump through hoops to get it removed (think legal document that had been incorrectly printed).

There are numerous newspaper articles and they feature photos, so I know it is the same men that she’s linked with on social media. The one that’s in prison now was taken in by armed riot police.

Her living an alternative lifestyle, or smoking weed on the weekends, or being a hippie wouldn’t phase me, but she has very close associations with people who have old and new records for ABH and GBH, have served lengthy prison sentences for violence and are career drug dealers of heroin and crack cocaine. These are dangerous and scary people that I don’t want anywhere near my children. If that makes me judgemental, so be it.

OP posts:
Someone2025 · 21/08/2025 15:14

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 14:22

I think I will do, alone. In the best case we can become friends again and in the worst, I’ve tried I guess.

Realistically if she’s an active heroin user I can’t have her around my kids.

Show quote history

I don’t think I would meet with her as if he do get along like before where do you think it will go……her texting you about the many issues in her life and the many problems she’s having with her partner I would guess, she has probably lost many people from her life (because of her behaviour) and is desperately trying to find someone to lean on

I know that sounds horrible of me but I’m through being a councillor / therapist to people with issues that they caused for themselves

leahnejade · 21/08/2025 15:06

So don’t make assumptions about people based on stuff online.

thebluehour · 21/08/2025 15:05

I think you would be insane to meet up with someone who has these kind of men in her life. She is mixing with a really dangerous crowd.Trouble will only follow. Are you up for being her rescuer, or being hit up for money, or a place to stay if she wants to escape them? The closer you get the more involved in her mess you will be, and no sane person would bring that onto their children's doorsteps. I would keep it as it is, and not meet in person. She isn't the person she once was, and if she ever does clean up her life then it is up to her to come to you.

Cheesyfootballs01 · 21/08/2025 15:05

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 14:15

I’m pretty surprised by these responses. I expected everyone to say not to meet her.

No @UndecidedCiders, you WANTED everyone to say not to meet her because you have already decided that she is a druggie with “dangerous “ boyfriends….

You wanted a get out but you haven’t gotten it.

You think that you have done so much better than her because you are married with a family.

If you don’t want to meet her then that’s fine, but at least be honest with yourself about it.

leahnejade · 21/08/2025 15:05

Googling people can be a mistake. There was something negative and totally incorrect about me online when I googled my own name, I had to jump through hoops to get it removed (think legal document that had been incorrectly printed).

Silverbirchleaf · 21/08/2025 15:05

Meet her at a neutral place, in a coffee shop.

LlynTegid · 21/08/2025 15:01

Hadalifeonce · 21/08/2025 13:19

I think I would try a few DMs first, just to get the lie of the land before meeting in person.

I agree.

Meeting somewhere neutral might be an option to consider, be it lunch at a place nearby that you want to visit.

Original poster
UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 14:58

I have tried to find out more about her life, but she just changes the subject or makes a joke.

OP posts: