Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To meet up with an old friend who is in very different circumstances?

112 replies

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 13:15

I had a best friend at uni who was intelligent, witty, and incredibly good fun. We were inseparable for three years. We both partied hard and experimented with recreational drugs, but she was always more comfortable with it.

When we graduated, I moved to London and she moved back to her hometown. I remember I used to sometimes cry because I missed her so much. We met up in the next few years, but not often, due to the distance and us both being busy building our lives. She split from her lovely boyfriend and was doing well in a creative career.

Fast-forward fifteen years and I’m settled with kids, a stable job, mortgage and all that. She is still in her hometown, which is several hours from me. We recently reconnected (she often changes social media accounts, but adds me) and I’d love to meet up with her but I’m a bit scared that we’ll have nothing in common and it’ll be awkward or sad. From what I know, she’s unemployed and dating men with criminal records for serious violence and drugs. To be frank, these men look like the kind of people I’d cross the road to avoid. I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if she’s on heroin too.

AIBU to go and see her?

OP posts:
Original poster
UndecidedCiders · 22/08/2025 23:37

Sorry that was to @ToKittyornottoKitty

OP posts:
Original poster
UndecidedCiders · 22/08/2025 23:35

awakeandasleep · 22/08/2025 22:17

No I wouldn't meet her OP. I would be horrified if my DH went to meet an old uni friend with these issues especially as you have DC.

I still don’t know, to be honest. I’d love to see her. I guess she’s keeping the details of her life secret for a reason.

If I can find the time to go the distance to see her alone then I hope I can.

OP posts:
whackamole666 · 22/08/2025 22:55

Cheesyfootballs01 · 22/08/2025 20:13

I haven’t jumped to conclusions like you 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

You're also jumping to conclusions .... Just different ones

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/08/2025 22:17

So what’s the verdict OP? Are you going to meet up with her?

awakeandasleep · 22/08/2025 22:17

No I wouldn't meet her OP. I would be horrified if my DH went to meet an old uni friend with these issues especially as you have DC.

Original poster
UndecidedCiders · 22/08/2025 21:56

Cheesyfootballs01 · 22/08/2025 17:58

Except nobody on here has said that have they OP? I haven’t read any reply that’s said to take your children to a suspected heroin den have they… ?

You have already made your mind up about her. I’m assuming that you have actually picked up the phone and have asked her about her personal circumstances? Or have you just googled and decided from what you have found out?

Show quote history

I’ve asked her repeatedly and she’s changed the subject

OP posts:
cruisingqueen · 22/08/2025 20:17

@Cheesyfootballs01bored now of you popping up in my inbox. You have your opinion and enjoy it Xxxx

Cheesyfootballs01 · 22/08/2025 20:13

cruisingqueen · 22/08/2025 19:03

How dare you be so rude. I have worked with addicts for 25 years. What have you done?

Show quote history

I haven’t jumped to conclusions like you 🤷🏻‍♀️

cruisingqueen · 22/08/2025 19:03

Cheesyfootballs01 · 22/08/2025 18:07

Christ….

Show quote history

How dare you be so rude. I have worked with addicts for 25 years. What have you done?

whackamole666 · 22/08/2025 18:29

I don't blame the OP for being very careful having done research into her old friends dubious associates. Why does your friend suddenly want to see you? What could an addict possibly want from a long lost friend? Money? Chat about old times? Money? Reignite flames of friendship? Money?

Cheesyfootballs01 · 22/08/2025 18:07

cruisingqueen · 21/08/2025 19:29

I completely get you. Realistically if she is an addict the chances you can help are low. Saying that considering how close you once were maybe you should give her one chance. You sound like you have built a beautiful life for yourself, so I would in no way risk that. Up to you whether you want to give her a chance. Obviously don't give cash, don't tell her where you live or anything like that. I can't shake the feeling it is a cry for help. Saying that do you want someone going cold turkey in your house. Perhaps be a friend; signpost to services which are available so be a great friend without impacting your family. In my area Turning Point will place people in residential rehabs which are good, for minimal cost, which she should be able to pay for our of benefits. This would give her months to loose the unhealthy relationships, feed her, counselling, you could even visit weekly once she had settled in. Say 6 weeks into her placement for an hour a week. She obviously trusts you, I doubt she has many others she can. Be prepared for relapse though it happens and will drain you. It really depends if you think removing her from her current environment will make a difference. I wish you all the best, posting here shows you care even if she is unaware.

Show quote history

Christ….

Cheesyfootballs01 · 22/08/2025 17:58

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 18:31

Sometimes there’s threads on here that really make me realise how widely posters’ lives differ. I haven’t led a sheltered life, I’ve known people die from overdoses and I wouldn’t consider myself to be prudish, but I wouldn’t have violent, dangerous heroin dealers, or their associates, around my family. Yet clearly there’s plenty here who think it’s fine.

Except nobody on here has said that have they OP? I haven’t read any reply that’s said to take your children to a suspected heroin den have they… ?

You have already made your mind up about her. I’m assuming that you have actually picked up the phone and have asked her about her personal circumstances? Or have you just googled and decided from what you have found out?

EmeraldRoulette · 21/08/2025 23:26

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 14:15

I’m pretty surprised by these responses. I expected everyone to say not to meet her.

I'm so surprised. I'm wondering if I'm inventing things in my head because I'm so tired.

This woman has a pattern of going out with men who have convictions for serious violence against other human beings.

I don't understand why you want to meet up with her. Who will she choose next? A serial killer?

NuovaPilbeam · 21/08/2025 22:27

Ps op i would not go near this. People involved in this sort of activity are not people I'm going to choose to bring into my or my kid's lives.

NuovaPilbeam · 21/08/2025 22:26

Omg people google other people all the time.

Human beings are curious and nosy. Most of the time you google, fuck all comes up, its boring.

Sometimes you google, and its article from the Hartley Witley Gazette saying this person got convicted of aggravated assault after a pub fight and its like the same way people slow down when there's a motorway pile up.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 21/08/2025 22:20

To be honest I wouldn’t risk getting involved with her in any way. It’s sad, but she’s associating with dangerous people and I’d want to stay off their radar entirely.

Weepixie · 21/08/2025 22:10

I wouldn’t meet up with her Op.

She deserves way more of a friend than you, even if she is a heroin using gangsters moll.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/08/2025 19:45

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 18:31

Sometimes there’s threads on here that really make me realise how widely posters’ lives differ. I haven’t led a sheltered life, I’ve known people die from overdoses and I wouldn’t consider myself to be prudish, but I wouldn’t have violent, dangerous heroin dealers, or their associates, around my family. Yet clearly there’s plenty here who think it’s fine.

You realise it’s you who asked the question right? You are the one thinking of having this person around your family in the future… if you don’t want to then don’t meet her.

cruisingqueen · 21/08/2025 19:29

UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 17:46

I’m sorry about your sister’s friend. My friend’s brother died the same way, and was homeless for a time beforehand. It really hurt all of their family.

What makes me think my friend may be on heroin is that she’s been in relationships with heroin dealers for at least the past year.

It’s not just the heroin but the dealing, violence, gun crime, theft and other offences that her close associates are involved in that scares me. I don’t know the level of her involvement but the men she’s dating are not good people.

Show quote history

I completely get you. Realistically if she is an addict the chances you can help are low. Saying that considering how close you once were maybe you should give her one chance. You sound like you have built a beautiful life for yourself, so I would in no way risk that. Up to you whether you want to give her a chance. Obviously don't give cash, don't tell her where you live or anything like that. I can't shake the feeling it is a cry for help. Saying that do you want someone going cold turkey in your house. Perhaps be a friend; signpost to services which are available so be a great friend without impacting your family. In my area Turning Point will place people in residential rehabs which are good, for minimal cost, which she should be able to pay for our of benefits. This would give her months to loose the unhealthy relationships, feed her, counselling, you could even visit weekly once she had settled in. Say 6 weeks into her placement for an hour a week. She obviously trusts you, I doubt she has many others she can. Be prepared for relapse though it happens and will drain you. It really depends if you think removing her from her current environment will make a difference. I wish you all the best, posting here shows you care even if she is unaware.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 21/08/2025 18:50

I would stay well clear of anyone involved with drugs/drug dealers/anyone violent with a criminal history of violence. It just sounds dangerous and you don't know what you might be dragged into. Keep the reminiscing to messages or phone calls if the reminiscing is important to you. It's easy to look back on old friendships with rose tinted glasses but sometimes they need to be left in the past.

TorroFerney · 21/08/2025 18:34

ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/08/2025 13:41

Do you background check everyone’s boyfriends or is it just if they ‘look’ dangerous? Why do you think she’s on heroine?

Show quote history

hardly background checking googling someone , it will be local paper reporting. And yes if if an old friend with someone on fb who looked bloody rough then curiosity would get the better of me.

Original poster
UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 18:31

Coffeetime25 · 21/08/2025 18:06

your not in the minority but the op thinks Facebook is obviously the fountain of all knowledge and Facebook must be believed at all costs she is judgy and stalkerish vibes and thinks she lives on a high horse lol

Show quote history

Court records and newspapers, but keep your narrative.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndecidedCiders · 21/08/2025 18:31

Sometimes there’s threads on here that really make me realise how widely posters’ lives differ. I haven’t led a sheltered life, I’ve known people die from overdoses and I wouldn’t consider myself to be prudish, but I wouldn’t have violent, dangerous heroin dealers, or their associates, around my family. Yet clearly there’s plenty here who think it’s fine.

OP posts:
Coffeetime25 · 21/08/2025 18:06

BatchCookBabe · 21/08/2025 17:51

@UndecidedCiders

Do her a favour and don't meet up with her. Just ghost her. You sound rather judgy, and clearly think you're better than her, and that your life is sooooo much better than hers. 🙄 I'm sure she doesn't need that in her life.

Edited

your not in the minority but the op thinks Facebook is obviously the fountain of all knowledge and Facebook must be believed at all costs she is judgy and stalkerish vibes and thinks she lives on a high horse lol

ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/08/2025 17:56

Crushed23 · 21/08/2025 17:47

I may be in the minority here, but I would not spend time with a heroin addict even if I used to be friends with them. I have phased friends out for much less drama than heroin addiction. I like to protect my peace at all costs.

It’s not that you are in the minority to think that, it’s that OP doesn’t no if her friend is a heroin addict or not. She’s assumed it by internet stalking her friends partner and former partner and making judgements based on that. Her whole assumed narrative might be totally wrong. There’s only one way to find out really.